The Road

More surgery status haiku

2010-06-02T16:18:00.000-07:00

Squirmy octopus
Now THAT is the appendix
Beautiful colon

It's satisfying
How it all fits together
Anastomosis

Surgery Haiku

2010-06-01T16:51:00.000-07:00

Surgery is not my favorite rotation, there are things I like about it and things I hate about it, but mostly I'm just bored. Today, for example, I spent 6 hours in a laparoscopic case where I did nothing but stand on my two feet and stare at a screen barely making out the intestinal anatomy of the poor woman between whose legs I was standing. During that 6 hours, I made up haiku inside my head to keep me attentive. I've cobbled together what I remember.

Where is it not sore?
Shift slowly from side to side.
Listlessly I gaze.

Where does the smoke go?
The bored student thinks inside.
Laparoscopy.

I can't see a thing.
Is that thing the appendix?
What time is it now?

I hug my chest tight
Don't contaminate a thing
Phil will yell at you.

Lucy's allowance (haiku)

2010-05-03T03:53:00.000-07:00

Lu dances naked

With wad of saved up singles

Bodes ill for future

How Much We Owe to All Our Partners

2010-01-25T18:34:00.001-08:00

Here's a letter I sent to my Sifu regarding my first Orange belt test as a Sifu and what I learned (which was not at all what I expected).

So my tester did wonderfully - excellent instincts, fantastic spirit, really above and beyond. Todd and 2 other students were there to participate and support, so it ended up being a really great test. My (first) true test as a Sifu came afterwards. Sort of.

So, one of the participants was my childhood friend Sarjan. She was one of my first students, but then she got pregnant and had baby #2 and has had health problems, so hasn't been training in some time. But she came because she wanted to be supportive and possibly get back into the game. It suited her well. Anyway, during sparring, Jenny (the tester) has this instinct to go inside and hook high kicks which works really well with big guys like todd and the other guy, but Sarjan had not been training much or for a long time and Jenny ended up briefly grabbing hold of her leg, Sarjan fell on outstretched hand. She seemed fine, and left a bit early and Jenny finished her test wonderfully. I thought nothing of it -

Until Sarjan called me to tell me she broke her arm. I felt so awful - she is my friend and she came to support me and to support Jenny - and I let her just get out there and spar, and what am I teaching these people anyway... I wrestled with that one all night and then I finally spoke to Sarjan this evening. And while this is kind of a weird case, since Sarjan is my friend and she's new to kung fu - I came to realize that Jenny did great, she didn't do anything wrong. If anything, her instincts were well beyond her level, she was never out of control even when she was clearly very tired and her skills were right there. I played all the mental movies of all the tests I did or participated in, all the injuries that occurred, and this one was no more or less somebody's fault. In kung fu, you can get hurt. I broke my arm in the same humiliating way in a tae kwon do tournament. That shit happens.

My talk with Sarjan was so hard for me - I ended up being very clear that it wasn't my fault or Jenny's fault (when I say childhood friend, i mean the kind that knows you in ways that are old and painful sometimes if you know what I mean - nobody knows me like she does - this was not an easy conversation) - but she was feeling wronged and like there was something preventable in what happened. I was like two people - the friend that feels incredibly sorry that she is in pain and her life will suck for several weeks and feeling like i had something to do with that. And the person who teaches kung fu and has been injured and punched in the face and had my ego pulled out from under me too many times to count - that one knows that shit happens. And we really do learn from it. Every time.

I heard Professor telling me so what if i'm punched in the nose, i don't just get a time out - what if that happens on the street? I heard myself apologizing for breaking Paul's eardrum during his green belt test. I felt myself get enraged at Greg for hitting me so hard in the neck. All of those things played through my mind and I realized they make me the martial artist I am, for better or worse.

I also learned that I need to spend more time teaching my students to fall and what to do when they get under a kick.

I think I just grew a little today :)

Thank you Sifu! I miss you.

Hira

They're back

2009-12-07T05:53:00.001-08:00

I'm back to the status haiku - but not before a quick update:

Started rotations - completed 3 actually: 2 primary care and 1 internal med. I absolutely adore primary care, adore patients, love patient care continuity, can't beat the schedule.

Hated IM 1 - too much rounding, loooong hours, too much academic bullshit, too much hierarchy (med students --> interns --> residents --> attendings...), and worst of all, barely any patient contact. I would carry one patient and see them for maybe a half hour each day, the rest of the day spent rounding on other patients, writing notes, attending classes. Blech. I was at the VA hospital, and I do love the vets - what a lovely bunch of patients. I just didn't see enough of them. And the upshot anyway is that the worst day on rotations beats the best day in that classroom!

IM 2 should be better though, I'll be at Yale on the hospitalist team, paired with PA's! It's not an academic service, so I'll actually be doing what PA's can do all day - take care of patients, etc. Here's hoping, anyway.

That said, I have a month in between for thesis preparation (thesis month 1 of 2). I have no idea what is expected of me this month as far as a "progress report" but I'll get it done and then I'll have a bit of a vacation. The only one I'll get this year, I might add.

12 more months to go!

And here are my last 2 status haiku:

Haircut, face wax, dress

All ready for the party

Why this belly ache?!

Slothful, waking up

Crusted lids, aching body

The morning after

Winding down

2009-08-16T17:48:00.000-07:00

Didactic year ends
Do you think I will miss it?
What, are you kidding?!

Slowly going mad

2009-07-21T12:06:00.000-07:00

I have gotten to the point where everything non-medical makes me think medical (my brother says his heart is well - i think chest pain and shortness of breath) and everything medical makes me hungry (to wit: below)

31 more days of didactic year to go. And that includes weekends. Fuck yeah.

O cervical os
A round O, a donut hole
Making me hungry

A fight with Lucy

2009-07-03T07:12:00.000-07:00

A fight with the girl
Blow out the pipes and we're done
Kiss and make up, healed (status haiku)

An extra one

2009-07-01T08:53:00.000-07:00

Dreams of a patient
Stenosis murmurs loudly
Smiles softly through wires

Summer

2009-07-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

Summer's here at last
Taking barely passing grades
So I can enjoy (status haiku)

Lucy's tooth (status haiku)

2009-06-08T17:43:00.000-07:00

Lucy lost a tooth
Pumping her legs on the swing
High and fast she grows

The cycle begins again

2009-05-21T17:25:00.000-07:00

I took my pathology exam today, and now I must prepare for GI. Here's my status haiku for the day:

Sits down to study
Lids and heart heavy, she sighs
The next starts too soon

I-miss-Seattle-on-memorial-day haiku

2009-05-19T14:19:00.000-07:00

Seattle Folklife
Fountain, sunshine, music, FOOD
a thing that I miss

Friday haiku

2009-05-15T17:38:00.001-07:00

Dirty martinis
Not quite two and feeling buzzed
Tolerance gone

Physiology haiku

2009-05-13T15:52:00.001-07:00

Physiology
Really, how hard can it be
Breathe in, breathe out, right?

Status haiku

2009-05-12T17:46:00.000-07:00

OK, so my head has been buried under mountains of books. There is just no time. Nope. Nada. So, I'm taking a page from my dad's blog book and I'm updating my status (on Facebook too) with haiku. I figure I can manage 17 syllables once in a while.

Procrastinating
Brush teeth tap feet hum facebook
Anything but lungs

Nothing of interest - A lesson in derm.

2009-02-10T17:05:00.001-08:00

I really don't have anything of interest to say so I thought I'd post a couple quotes from my derm module:

From a slide of a gory blistery arm:

"Most common chronic, autoimmune, subepidermal, blistering disease"

Which begs the question, what is the LEAST common chronic, autoimmune, subepidermal, blistering disease?

A resident lecturer's statement on another disease:

"For as benign as this is, it can kill you."

And from another lecturer:

"In no particular order, this appears in red, blue and white. White first, then blue and then red."

In other words, in no particular order except in the reverse order from which they were stated.

And finally, upon seeing a picture of a child with impetigo and asking questions, Lucy wanted to know, "What does that feel like to the germs?"

To which I replied (while tickling her face of course), "mmmmmm yummy face!"

1-20-09

2009-01-20T10:21:00.000-08:00

I am truly proud of us this moment.

Proud that we were able to remember our mistakes and move forward.

That our collective memory is short but our sense of American pride is long.

That out of darkness we rose up instead of shrinking beneath.

That our President speaks in full sentences with real words and we endeavor to keep up instead of keeping ourselves down.

That the American spirit is indomitable but malleable, optimistic and idealistic, determined and steadfast.

I am proud of all of us right now and I am ready to take responsibility and move forward.

And to quote Lucy, "Go Obama! G-O Obama!"

Cute story...

2008-12-06T07:05:00.000-08:00

I took Lucy to her a birthday party yesterday for the boy to whom I'm told she is engaged. It was a regular party with 5 and 6-year olds bouncing off the walls for 2 hours. They were doing this game where each kid would walk across this giant foam cylinder while the groupleader shook it and made them fall off. When it was Lucy's turn, she fell and laughed hysterically and fell again and laughed hysterically and all the kids were laughing right along with her. She came flopping joyfully off and sat back on the line near the boy and I heard him sigh dreamily to himself, "I'm gonna marry beautiful Lucy."

I died a little.

Sloggin' through

2008-12-02T16:50:00.001-08:00

Well, I feel I've been neglecting you, my faithful readers, so I thought I'd stop by and say hi. Hi!

Let's see... I've been a little busy lately. I'm kind of in school or studying or thinking about being in school or studying and that's my whole life. Well, that and trying to still be a loving mom and sexy adoring wife. To those ends, I think I've been marginally successful.

Lu is going through a very tough phase right now, hopefully coming out the other side of it. She FREAKS OUT and throws tantrums and has discovered the joys of being obnoxious just to get on people's (my) nerves - things like sticking her butt in my face, licking, you know... fun. I have discovered that 5 is the new 2.

She knows my buttons too - I have a big button about her being spoiled. I never had a lot of stuff growing up - I grew up with about 100 other kids and we all had the same exact stuff - a deck of cards and that was about it. It's been an ongoing challenge for me since Lucy was born - I love that I don't have to worry about money, I think it's amazing, but I also don't take it for granted and I work very hard so that Lucy won't take it for granted either. I don't hand her everything she ever wants on a platter, I also don't get myself lots of toys and goods - I don't really want them and it's important for me to live simply. It's important for me that Lucy know how to live simply. I know these are my issues and Lucy is who Lucy is, and that Lucy is FIVE and wants TOYS and CANDY just like any other five-year-old. It still really gets to me when she throws a huge fit that I won't get her a new stuffed toy to fill her basket of one million "soft and squishy and cute" stuffed toys.

But as always, these phases last just long enough for me to want to tear all my hair out and defenestrate her and she begins to emerge on the other side, both of us worse for wear, but always closer than ever, both of us having worked out our stuff together.

At least that's the hope. I'll keep you posted.

On other fronts - school is school. It's winding down a bit - I have 3 finals over the next 2 weeks and then TWO WEEKS OFF with nothing more to do than snuggle with my family, sleep in (every other day, of course), work out, go for walks, see Santa (in Woodstock), visit with friends, read books, watch TV, drink wine with my dinner, smooch with my sweetie (who by the way is turning out to be a most excellent househusband - he even cooks!), take baths...

ah happiness.

If I can only get through Pharmacology, Research, and Anatomy... blech.

I am 3 down and 9 to go in the didactic year!! Hooray!!

My dearest friend from Seattle (Mr. Kl8on) came for a visit with his cupcake (girlfriend) and we had a great time over Thanksgiving. Lucy loves her uncle Clayton and they had a great time playing together. I didn't get enough time with my friends, but it was so lovely to see and be with them. They are wonderful and wonderful together. It's good to see my friend so happy and challenged and healthy and growing.... I love my friend! (and his cupcake of course)

OK, now i'm just procrastinating. I have one more lab (tomorrow) and then all that is done! Last week I pulled out a brain. Now I must study Pharm and Research. Here I go. Bye. Really. Watch me work...

It's Official

2008-10-31T04:28:00.000-07:00

Todd picked up my belt at kung fu last night and took this pic of it with his iPhone!

Hooooooray!

My baby is FIVE

2008-10-26T17:42:00.000-07:00

Well, i can't believe it, but I have a five-year-old. Yep. Five.

We had a great time celebrating her birthday this weekend - we had a pool party at the Y. The kids swam for an hour and then stuffed themselves on cake and candy. I tried to make an octopus cake - we have a mold we used last year that worked great, but unfortunately, this time it got stuck in the pan, fell apart and then was frosted before it cooled, so it basically looked like a big pile of poo. So we got some cupcakes. Alas. It was going to be a good cake too...

I'm so proud of my little girl and who she is becoming. She is thoughtful, sweet, hilarious, sensitive and strong. I have been giving a lot of thought to that - she is really sensitive AND strong. She has the capacity to bend and change for others, she has a pulling desire to fit in and is easily hurt when she is rebuffed. She has however been able to stand strong, even to stand up to her sometimes-way-too-crotchety mama and still be open and friendly and wonderful.

We do fight sometimes and more often than in times past, I am short-tempered and preoccupied. I try not to be - I try to be fully here for her when I am here - dinner time, bedtime - but sometimes the other household things catch up with me and I find myself unable to give her a small smile of attention at her laundry basket antics when I'm frantically folding the tenth load of laundry on a Sunday night when I should really be studying for a Physiology exam that I am completely unprepared for. I answer her question with a sarcastic response and instead of being hurt and angry and going away, she is hurt and angry and says, "why do you have to talk so RUDE?"

I apologize.

We fight again getting ready for bed, but in the end, I calm down and she calms down and we have a nice time with books and stories and a good snuggle. I am proud of her. I know I can take some credit for who she is becoming. I know that my actions and words have an impact on her and I hope the loving caring mama ones surround her more than the biting tired cranky ones and that she knows how much I love her and how much what I am doing is because of her. Because I want her to know how wonderfully rewarding it is to do something so hard. I want her to know that she can be whatever she wants to be, not because I tell it to her but because she sees her mama working for it and loving it. And I want her to be proud of me.

I want her to be exactly who she is: An independent, enthusiastic, sensitive, caring, thoughtful, silly, creative person. I love you, my little Pumpkin Butt!

In other news: I am the micro master. I totally kicked ass on the microbiology exam. Not only that - everyone else seemed to really struggle with it. I am not an imposter.

I fear my day in the sun is soon to come to a close. The dreaded Physio (well, biochem, cell bio) exam is coming up on Thursday. Oy. I'll be glad to pass that one.

Halloween coming up Friday!

Todd is going to Seattle on Wednesday to celebrate Professor's 60th birthday celebration. All the Bones family Kung Fu schools will be represented - the smallest contingent coming from Ohana Kajukenbo in New Haven, CT. I used a sharpie to make an Ohana t-shirt so he can represent! I'm pretty excited about that. Also, Sifu promised me a new belt that says, "Sifu Hira". Hooray!

I had to cut down to one class per week, I'm just a little overwhelmed with school right now. But I am really happy with the turnout I'm getting and I'm so glad I'm able to continue in some capacity. Yay sifu hira!

10 days to election day: vote.

Rocks and Hard Places

2008-10-13T18:39:00.000-07:00

Well, just a quick how-do-you-do while i take a break from Microbiology studies.

I didn't fare that well on my exam last week. I passed, but I expected to do much better and I was really quite thrown by it. I know a lot of it is because I hastily sped through and probably missed a couple just for going too quickly. But i can't blame it all on that. I was particularly down because all my friends to whom I'd explained the immune system and its workings, did much better than i did. It was a blow.

So I went home, downtrodden, but realizing I just need to study more. 4 hours a day isn't enough. And my time needs to be spent in a more organized way...

I arrived home... Lucy had been treating me poorly for a few days and we were butting heads. At one point in the evening, she suggested I go back to Seattle for another "alone" vacation so that she would be home with just daddy. She didn't say this to hurt my feelings, though at some level she knew it would. She said it because she saw how happy I was when I returned from my trip to Seattle and how good it was for me. But there was some of the other in there too.

She'd been throwing fits all over the place - sometimes like she used to when she was little. That night, after the vacation comment, she got mad at me when I told Papa about it. I sat her on my lap and told her I wasn't mad. She was visibly hurt and confused. I told her it seemed like she was pretty mad at me lately and asked her if that was true. She nodded. I asked her if she was just mad because she didn't get to spend very much time with me any more. She nodded again. I told her that I really didn't like it either, but that I was doing something very important for me. I also told her that when I do get to spend time with her, it's very special for me and I look forward to it every day. We had a nice snuggle and I put her to bed.

I feel so torn. I know I need to work harder to stay afloat in this program. I know I want to do it and honestly, I love every minute of what I'm doing. I just don't have enough time. I want to be a part, not a part, I want to be IN Lucy's life. I don't like that I'm not the one picking her up and dropping her off. I'm not the one taking her to the doctor. Not the one who gets to spend the fun vacation day with her. I have one day a week that is only about Lucy. No school. One day. It's wonderful, that day, but it's not enough.

I have dinner with her each night. And am with her until bedtime. I know we will survive this and we will be fine. It's just a really hard adjustment.

And that was the day last Thursday - simultaneously realizing that I need to spend more time studying and that my daughter is beginning to hate me because I'm not around.

That sounded bleaker than it really is. But that is how it felt that day.

I checked my phone right before going to bed that night and there was a text from one of my school friends: Enjoy your drink tonight, you deserve it. Thanks for all your help with Path.

It was exactly what I needed, just the brief thoughtfulness of a friend. I went to bed crying that night. I'm sure it won't be the last time...

However - this week I am renewed. I have a new method of studying - we'll see if it works. I'm trying to study only the material for the next 2 weeks tests on M, T, and W. Test is Th, and on Th, F and Sun I'll catch up on all the maintenance studying. We'll see how it works. Anatomy (gasp) exam on Thursday this week - lab practical and written. Oy.

On the bright side, I have NINE people on my kung fu roster. Hooray!!

FFFphplllllbbbt

2008-10-07T18:21:00.000-07:00

So, I think that title pretty much says it all. I'm busy, exhausted, overwhelmed, and LOVING IT!

This Thursday is my first (of many) exams. From here on out, we have at least one per week. It's a bit crazed. I'm feeling pretty good about Pathology (you all saw my nerdy immunology posting), though there is still some studying to be done for the next 2 days. Meanwhile, it will be closely followed by my nemesis, Anatomy. Written and Practical. Nemesis. And then...

In any case, I am so excited to be here, I am learning so much and I am STILL feeling good about it. My dad has been here helping out a few weeks, which has made it really easy on me, so I will be sad to see him go home next week. I pretty much get up, go to class, study... then I pick up Lucy around 5, hang out with her and the family until bedtime, whereupon I retreat to my office and study until the lids droop. Usually around 10:30. Lucy has gotten as much mama as she needs, but unfortunately, I think Papa Todd is getting the raw end of this. I have school, Lucy, and that's about it.

I had to cut out my Tuesday Kung Fu class since I am feeling a bit pressed upon. Starting next month, I'll just have once a week. On the bright side of that, I have fully eight people on my roster! It will be nice when they are all there on the same day. It will feel like a real kung fu class. I have 3 teenage girls - 8th graders, which makes me very happy. They are nerdy reader girls (they all know each other from a book club) and they are having a great time at kung fu! One of them told me this evening that she has tried a lot of different classes and she never stuck with it because none ever clicked for her. Until now. I can't tell you how happy that made me.

I am making friends as well, which makes the whole thing tolerable. I have my crowd and they are a diverse and wonderful people. I find myself laughing hysterically throughout the day, which honestly makes it all worth it.

In family news, I don't know if I've mentioned our Halloween costumes this year.... but stay posted for photos. I think they will be awesome. If you don't know, I will just tell you that Lucy has been obsessed with body parts, cells, blood, and germs...

I'd better get on the stick and make the costumes already!

And with that, my friends, I am headed back to another fun-filled late night of Anatomy and Pathology.... wish me luck on Thursday.

The Nerdiest Thing Ever. Or the Immune System in Five Minutes or Less

2008-09-16T12:19:00.000-07:00

OK, so I'm warning all of you that this is very very nerdy. You might not want to go any further. But if you do, know that I experienced much joy writing this and I hope you all learn something.

Also, I'll give you the background. In our many classes, we have "learning objectives": Ten-thousand small things we need to know to pass the course. There are so many of them, our class decided to split them all up between us and enter them all in a google doc online. Some of them are as simple as "define necrosis". Others are not:i) In your own words, restate how the various components of the immune system interact when the body is presented with an antigen. This latter was my first assignment. And here, ladies and gentlemen is what happens when lack of sleep + extra coffee + a really complex topic + a sprinkling of sincere devotion to biology will get you.

I think if you ignore the terminology, you might like it too.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

First, a baddie (microbe or unwanted character of some kind) enters the scene and tries to get past the first lines of defense:
Skin, pH, sweat, tears, sebum all try to block his way.
He gets through the epithelium of the skin or GI and encounters the Innate Immune Response.

Innate Immune Response – Phagocytes (neutrophils and macrophages) see the baddie and his friends.
- Phagocytes will eat microbes and secrete cytokines, stimulating inflammation and a lymphocyte response (see below). There are also some specialized cells, Dendritic cells (more info below) and Natural Killer cells. NK cells march around the body just looking for baddies to kill.
- Complement system (proteins circulating in the body) will activate and take part in a number of activities including forming MAC – Membrane Attack Complex. MAC proteins see the baddies and attach to their membranes forming pores and ultimately lysis.
- Back to the dendritic cells – they are specialized cells that carry around chewed up antigens (proteins) that come from destroyed baddies. These dendritic cells are also known as Antigen Presenting Cells (APC’s) because, well, because they are cells that present antigens. They travel to the lymph nodes to present their chewed-up bits of bad guys to naïve T-cells. This stimulates proliferation and differentiation of T-cells.
- T-cells – now the T-cells become active T-cells. There are 2 kinds of active T-cells – T helper cells (CD4+) and T cytotoxic cells (CD8+). T cytotoxic cells kill (esp. virally) infected cells and tumors. T helper cells activate macrophages to become even more efficient killers and stimulate B-cells to enter clonal expansion and produce antibodies (more on this below)

Adaptive Immune Response –
- T-cells complex (get together) with B-cells and tell them (through the use of cytokine (chemical) messengers) to make antibodies.
- B-cells go into clonal expansion – this means they turn into plasma cells and make lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of antibodies against the antigen (remember the baddie?)
- Antibodies do all kinds of wonderful things and there are several different ones. Briefly, they neutralize baddies, opsonize (coat them so that they seem more delicious to macrophages), activate complement, protect against parasites, and protect newborns.

The body then hopefully returns to its basal state – the state of normalcy it held before. One difference is that it can now have memory cells. If the body encounters this particular kind of baddie again, it can skip over a bunch of steps and go straight into clonal expansion because it will now have memory cells.

And that is it in a nutshell.

Learning to Learn

2008-09-09T18:15:00.001-07:00

Well, i'm in it now. It's 9:15 and I'm taking a 10 minute break from studying to blog. I'm taking Physiology, Pathology, Pharmacology, Research, Anatomy with dissection, and Microbiology for now. It's fast and it's furious, but I'm loving it! Every day I'm reminded of the gravity of what I'm doing. I'll hear words like, "When you're prescribing these for your patients, you have to remember x,y, and z....." and I'll think to myself, Holy shit, I'm going to have patients, this is real, this matters, and holy shit, I'm going to have patients!

Lucy's transition to Kindergarten is going rather smoothly so far. I mean, it's hard for her and transitions are hard for everyone, for all of us, but it's a great place and I'm glad she's there. They have "sight word cans" where they put all the words they can recognize by sight. Her first sight word, aside from Lucy, is squid. Her Uncle Clayton will like that ;)

She stays all day, generally 8 - 5, which is a long day for me and for her, but it's necessary for now. I take all my time outside of class to study so that when I'm with her, I can really be with her. Then back to the books after she goes to bed.

I'm having a hard time keeping up, I can't yet go into depth in my studies, the volume of material is just so incredible. However, I'm doing my best, I'm studying hard, and I'm keeping my head above water. I'm kind of a big-picture learner, so hopefully the gaps will fill in over time. I just really have no idea what to expect as far as exams and whatnot... I'm starting a study group this weekend, I think that will be helpful.

Tomorrow in Anatomy lab - the first cut. Yikes! We do all sorts of exploration of the thorax and abdomen, we get to pull out some guts and look for an appendix... I'm excited, but very nervous.

Just one last story before I head back to the books:

The other night we were having supper and Lucy took a swig of water that went down the wrong pipe. I asked her, "are you OK? Did it go down the wrong pipe?"
And she replied, "Yeah mama, it didn't go down my esophagus."
I love her.

So of course I answered, "Oh, did it go down your trachea?"
"Yeah. I'm OK."

I am not an Impostor

2008-08-29T10:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm here. I'm finally starting (sort of). I've spent the past week in Orientation with my fellow Yale PA program beginners and am now sufficiently terrified and ready to begin.

If I hear the words "rigorous", "demanding", or "intense" one more time, I think I'll have a heart attack.

But I'm ready to start. Orientation week was filled with information such as how to get around, how to navigate the computers and libraries, and how to use insurance. The final day, yesterday, was a good ending. The first half of the day was our orientation to the gross anatomy lab. Combined with the first year med students, we sat through an incredibly illuminating lecture on the gravity of the gift we were each about to receive (a body) and the depth and breadth of emotion that we might feel. It was incredibly heartfelt and by the end I sincerely felt immense gratitude for the gift. It is called a gift here and we use the word 'donor' instead of 'cadaver' which brings home the idea of the gift and reminds us that it is a gift.

I was nervous and scared, but also excited to meet my donor.

I won't go into details of my donor's features, for privacy's sake, but I did take a good long look at her face before I began to poke and prod. And before I privately named her 'Maude'. I think that's a fitting name.

I have 6 lab partners, but 1 didn't show, so I think I might be down to 5.

The afternoon was spent elsewhere on a challenge course at a local high school. The challenge course is a series of exercises, physical and otherwise, designed to pull a team together and allow that team to get to know the rest of the team members. I had a wonderful time, I did get to know more of the people in my my small class of 36 and am truly excited to begin working with this diverse group. There are many leaders (we did all get into this rigorous, intense, and demanding program), but with strikingly differing backgrounds. There are deeply religious people, political left-wingers, military people, the gamut. I enjoy being with (almost) all of them!

The challenge course was also the first time all week we were allowed out of our "business casual" clothing. Hooray for t-shirts! This also meant the unveiling of my tattoo. I got some comments, but no sneering. You never know.

I'm ready to begin. This week I begin Anatomy (with dissection) lab, Pathology, Microbiology, and Research Methods. I believe next week I'll begin Pharmacology. I'm only slightly panicked, but mostly I'm excited to see if I can do it. In the back of my mind, I am constantly worried that I'll be discovered. I'm an impostor. I shouldn't be here. I'll never be able to complete this.

I have to just keep telling myself, I AM NOT AN IMPOSTOR. I'll get through this. I'm ready.

The Heartbreak of Home

2008-08-21T10:05:00.000-07:00

I'm in Seattle for a quick visit. It's my very first real vacation without Lucy, so essentially my first vacation in almost five years. By that, I mean my first vacation from getting up with her in the morning (I slept uninterrupted until 8 am this morning, Pacific time!), taking baths without her asking to come in, using the bathroom without someone pounding on the door, shouting "Are you pooping?!" This last because in our house it's acceptable to enter if someone is merely peeing, but pooping requires privacy, for the adults at least. I don't have to cook dinners, clean up after anyone, make sure nobody's bored, hurt, sick, grumpy, or angry.

It has taken me three days to get used to it. This morning, I got up (at 8), videochatted with my family for the first time ever, took a bath and read my book, and am now sitting down to blog.

While I am certainly glad to be here, it is heartbreaking for me in many ways. We only left here 3 months ago and it still feels like my home, but I don't get to go home to my family at the end of my day, I'm staying in a hotel, a guest. I am going to Kung Fu and am still warmly welcomed as a member of the community, but I am referred to as a "special guest", I am in town all week (tip your waitresses).

Yesterday, I had a mission. Lucy has been into body parts - anatomy and physiology and biology... specifically, circulation. We've been getting books from the library and she likes learning about all the stuff that I'm going to be learning about starting next week. She was very into blood cells and was drawing them constantly when I remembered that I'd seen some toy ones someplace in Seattle. I'd told her about it and in an effort to ease the pain of me being gone so long, I told her I'd get her one during my trip. This mission served as a way to explore the city as a visitor and gave me something to do.

First, I took a bus to UW bookstore, which is where I initially saw the plush RBC. It is one of the 'giant microbe' line that is mostly made up of various plush anthropomorphized germs. I dug through their entire selection and they had no blood cells, red or otherwise.

I looked online and saw that someone had picked up a giant microbe from Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe on the waterfront. I called them and asked if they had any RBCs, and was told that yes, they had 4 in stock. The next day, I hoofed all the way downtown, through Pike Place Market, down under, to the waterfront, past the Aquarium... and on to the Shoppe. All along the way, I was filled with a sense of mournful loss - I used to bus with Lucy here, I took her here for doughnuts, we spent many gloom-filled days at the aquarium...

Finally, I arrived at the Shoppe. I looked through their entire selection of large fuzzy microbes. No RBC's. They did have a WBC, but that's not what she wanted. I picked one up anyway. I went to a very grumpy old lady who was restocking things and told her that I'd called and was looking for an RBC from their giant microbe selection and was told that they had some in stock.

"Nobody told me!"
"Well, do you have any in stock?"
"Sigh. You want a red one? You didn't see any red ones?"
"Not a red 'one'. A Red Blood Cell."
"You looked?"
"Yes."
Pause. Stare.
"You want me to go look in the back?!"
Pause.
"Yes, that would be nice. I'd really appreciate it."
"There are lots of red ones here."
Pause.
Stare.
"I need a RED BLOOD CELL."

Another man comes out, seemingly the one who told me they had it in stock. He was apologetic, but equally perplexed as to why I need a particular one.

I tried to explain, holding up the White Blood cell I'd found. "You have the white blood cell, but I want the red one."
"You know, they don't usually come in different colors."
At this point, I found it really difficult to have compassion for them.

After gently explaining the difference between White and Red Blood cells and that they are actually different entities, the grumpy lady comes down carrying an enormous box full of plush germs. No RBC's.
Three separate times, she held out a WBC and said, "You want this one?"

The man in charge apologized for my trip.
"You have no idea how far I've come," I told him.
He must have felt guilty because he then called the distributor and came back with a list of all the retailers in Seattle that had the giant microbes.
I heartily thanked him and then went outside to phone.

I called them all, and none had the RBC.
Finally I called the UW bookstore, on the off chance they'd had a delivery or had a big backstock. I was on hold for 20 minutes, but an RBC was located in backstock! They held it for me and I went up and got it, walking far in the rain, taking 2 buses...

All the while, Lucy's school - I was actually too forlorn to go in and say hello to her teachers. Maybe later.
The parking lot attendant at the bookstore asked me, "Where's the baby?"
He is a lovely man, I've had many conversations with him - Lucy in the backseat, anxious to go home at the end of her day. He is divorced and has a little girl Lucy's age, he is from Northern Africa and is going back to school part time.

I miss that Lucy.

This morning, I hooked up the iChat, and videochatted with Todd and Lu. I showed her the RBC (his name is Airbubble). And then the WBC. She loves them and can't wait to have them. She shouted, "That white blood cell looks hungry! He needs some germs!"

I guess that will require another trip to the bookstore.

I feel sad that I am a guest here. Sad for all the reminders of the daily life I had here which are gone in a flash. Sad that I feel so comfortable here, navigating the buses, walking the streets because this is my home, but it isn't any more. (Compare trash all over the coastline and thrown carelessly from cars with the new law that there will be no foam or plastic at restaurants in Seattle any more *sigh*. UW has already gone 100% compostable)

But i'm thrilled to spend time with Clayton. I got to meet his new paramour, who is a lovely, beautiful, vivacious, intelligent woman (my assessment of the short time I spent with her over dinner last night). I'm excited to see Elise today. I'm glad to be training in the Fu with my Fu family and it is wonderful to still be in my room at 11 am after relaxing and sleeping in and taking baths and reading and....

I will be so glad to get home. Home. My new home. The place where my family is.

Catching Up - A New Haven Rant followed by the Plus Side

2008-07-23T17:24:00.000-07:00

Well, we've moved to New Haven. I pretty much hate it here - the drivers are insane (seriously, it's anarchy on the roads, meaningless red lights + no helmet laws = well, i guess I'll see some head trauma when i get to rotations), there is no decent, halfway decent, or somewhat approachable natural foods store or local produce of any kind anywhere, recycling is a joke, and the people in my neighborhood are weird. By weird i mean, well, lets put it this way - I have a rather large tattoo on my right arm. This is a pretty stuffy neighborhood - it's middle class, but unbeknownst to me before I moved here, Connecticut is conservative... i get LOOKS on my tattoo. No comments, no questions, just looks. The men leer at me. They are all middle aged, married men and i can almost hear them daydreaming about the 'wild child' who just moved in next door.

It's creepy. They try to have long conversations full of small talk with me (without mentioning but also staring at my large tattoo). I've never had so much meaningless small talk either.

Lucy and I ride our xtracycle (big bike that she can sit on the back of http://www.xtracycle.com) a lot, which is really nice. We live in a pretty flat and low-key part of town, so that's fun. I had planned on riding everywhere, but I'm seriously terrified of the drivers here. I've been to Boston, Boston's traffic is controlled and temperate when compared to New Haven drivers. Oh, have i mentioned the amounts of garbage on the streets?! I am honestly SHOCKED at how many times I've seen people toss their bags of garbage out their windows. I seriously can't believe it. Which goes to the maddening and awfully saddening amounts of trash on the shoreline.

New Haven is blessed with a lovely shoreline which it largely ignores. West Haven and East Haven each have nice beaches, which would be fantastic and idyllic were it not for the tons of waste and human refuse lining the shores. It's disheartening, discouraging, and unpleasant.

But there are redeeming factors in this town as well, and I'm getting used to it here.

My dear friends Joe and Sarjan and their fun and forceful daughter Ruby have moved here as well. I have gotten to spend some real quality time with them which I haven't had with Sarjan since we were 16. Lucy adores Ruby (who is 11 months) and is constantly angling to spend more time with her. She is a wonderful big sister.

I have a Kung Fu school!

I taught a workshop a couple weeks ago and Sarjan signed up as did two others plus Todd. They have all signed on to continue with classes and I have had a few serious inquiries about classes to continue. I am enjoying it tremendously! I can't say how much this has changed my life here. I was miserable without kung fu - I missed Seattle so much, my friends, my Kung Fu family, my quality of life! Well, I don't know if you know this, but I heart Kung Fu. And it is coming through in my classes - having all my workshop participants continue with classes is truly divine. I can't believe how this has all worked out too.

I mean, one day, I was walking down the street in the main part of my neighborhood and I noticed a yoga/dance studio space that said it offered studio rentals. 3 weeks later, voilà! Ohana Kajukenbo is born.

More on Ohana in a later entry, for now that is enough dear reader. I am exhausted from a trip to Middletown where there is a truly fantastic children's museum to which i will most certainly return.

In summary, New Haven sucks, life is good.

Back and Forth

2008-05-13T14:44:00.000-07:00

I've been languishing on this blog mostly because I'm focusing on my other one for the time being... I guess you'll have to follow me on both for now!

Not much other news - getting ready to move - 2 and a half weeks! Our big going-away party is this weekend. Grampa is coming out to lend a hand while we get the final things all ready to go. Holy crap, it's really happening!

My favorite latest Lucy conversation:

"Mama, how are we alive?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know, I mean, what is it that makes us be alive?"

Anyone out there have a good answer for that one?

The Ranch Revisited

2008-04-28T12:23:00.001-07:00

I used to work on another blog about my childhood on a religious commune in Oregon. I have lately been thinking about continuing that blog while I'm waiting for school to begin. Recent events in Texas have given me fodder for my re-introduction to that blog, so I would like to point you, my few but dedicated and valued readers, to my other blog.

http://www.bluest-one.blogspot.com

Another Good Reason for Me to go to PA School

2008-04-24T17:25:00.000-07:00

My husband just super-glued his thumb together after slicing it open. With Super Glue.

Down Ovary!

2008-04-12T12:39:00.000-07:00

I am home after a very short stay in the hospital whereupon an ovary plus growth plus fallopian tube were yanked from my insides. The surgery went very well, textbook they said, and I'm home resting (un)comfortably. I have the unfortunate biology that doesn't get any good feelings from percocet (pain pills), aside from the actual killing of the pain, which is a good feeling, don't get me wrong - but i also get extremely nauseous and dizzy. So, today, 2 days after the yanking of the said parts, I'm weaning myself off the percocet. I keep telling myself I'll take one because I'm in pain, but then i remember the nausea and dizziness and I am postponing as much as I can. It's 12:42.

I haven't pooped since Wednesday, which is the day I spent in the bathroom with the euphemistic "bowel prep kit" which sounds much more fun than it is.

It's Saturday.

So, long story short - growth = gone. Hurray! Growth = benign. Double Hurray! Belly = yucky pain and bloating :( Pills = nausea and dizziness but no pain - a wash. Flowers on my doorstep, phone calls from friends, and being waited on hand and foot = a wonderful side effect to surgery. Thank you all for the love and support.

Proud and Mushy

2008-03-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

First, I want to catch up on the ovary thing - I had my visit with the oncologist. I really liked him and feel very reassured that what I have is not cancer. He seemed quite positive based on blood tests, pt history, etc. On the other hand, he felt fairly certain that he would have to remove my entire ovary while he was in there. It won't affect my fertility (well, by 1/2 it will, but in the long run, whatever) or hormones, it's just a little jarring to have my girl-parts removed. I will miss you, little Right-y!

I will be in for surgery on April 10. Wish me luck, i'm quite nervous.

On Sunday, it just so happened to be Easter Sunday, which we don't celebrate or observe in any real way, Lucy, Todd, and I went out for Brunch at our very favorite local haunt. (http://www.stclouds.com). On our way, an older gent with a grizzly white beard and ratty clothes approached us. He seemed friendly and obviously homeless. He gave us a long story which amounted of course to being hungry and without money. We listened to him and told him that we would bring him some food after our breakfast if he was still around.

Through breakfast, Lucy had many questions. Does that man have no house? Does he live on the street? When we told her about the mean world and how sometimes no matter what people do, things happen to them where they end up without money and without a house and they need our help, the help of people who have money and houses. People who are lucky like us. She was so thoughtful about this. She was glad we would bring him food and she insisted on drawing a picture for him, too.

She said, "When I go home, I will get my piggy bank and count the money in it and bring it to him."
"When we move to Connecticut, that man can have our house."

The thing that was so amazing about her response was that it came from a place of love and compassion. Totally. There was no guilt or remorse or discomfort or pretense or fear in her response. She had generous concern for the welfare of this man. In her heart she knew that she wanted to make him feel better.

When we were done with our lunch, we went out in the rain with a boxed veggie omelette breakfast. The man was still out there on the street, and he was clearly grateful for the food. But I think he was more grateful for the way Lucy talked to him, openly and again without pretense or fear. She said she wanted to draw him a picture. He looked so genuinely pleased by her presence as he squatted low to hear what she had to say. I think it was this interaction between them that meant more to him than the simple gesture of food.

How I love that little being!

On and Ovaries

2008-03-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

So, I've been kinda busy with, well, nothing. It's hard to remember to blog when life has no exact rhythm and is more up and down and focus-free. Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed it, and I've remained somehow completely busy, but it's not the same as having a predictable (though stressful) school or work schedule.

That said, I'm also having some freaky health issues. Those of you who have known me for some time know that I've had this silly ovarian cyst for years. In fact, I went the ER on my wedding night 5 years ago to find out what the pain in the abdomen was. I've been following it with a gynecologist since that time and recently went for a formal followup ultrasound. Long story short, it is now classified as a "complex, septated ovarian mass", which means that there are walls (septations) and that it has some fluid-filled and some solid compartments. New to this ultrasound, they ran a doppler and found that there is blood flow to the mass. These things are not good.

So I have to get it removed.

The gynecologist said i had to see an oncologist, which is the first thing that made me freak out. Of course, the word oncology being synonymous with cancer and certain death, I began to mentally plot out my funeral and make arrangements for Lucy and Todd's care (what, you think they take care of themselves?) Then the earliest the oncologist could get me in was April 10, over a month away, and the earliest they could schedule surgery would probably be mid-May, perilously close to our departure date.

I freaked out.

When I calmed myself down, I managed to remember (with Todd's help) that I have connections in the Medical world who could probably point me to someone with more immediate availability. I called Dr. C and she recommended this guy who is apparently top dog around here in gynecological oncology and he is getting me in tomorrow for the consult and April 10 for the surgery. Phew.

I am going back and forth between being relatively secure that this thing is benign and totally freaking out and trying to figure out how long chemo treatment will last and what other treatment I will have to endure... I will keep you posted, but I do think chances are good in my favor. My age, the fact that I have carried a child, the lack of ovarian cancer in my family and the family history non-malignant ovarian growths (my mom) all play out in my favor. But there is always a chance (furiously knocking on wood).

Other than that, our move date looms near.... 2.5 months to go! We fly out to New Haven in a couple weeks to sign for our house and register Lucy for school (she got into the good school we liked... Hurray for public school!)

I got this awesome xtracycle attached to my bike (http://www.xtracycle.com) and there are some ape-hanger handlebars so Lucy can ride on it. It rocks! New Haven is relatively flat so I imagine that Lucy and I will make many bike trips here and there and I will certainly ride to school when weather permits.

I am beginning to grow deeply sad about leaving the life I've made for myself here in Seattle for the past 14 years and don't know whether or not we will return... we just might! My friends, kung fu, small things like the restaurants I go to and the parks we play in... *sigh*

But, there are many things I'm looking forward to in New Haven. Having a built-in community of friends is pretty amazing - Joe, Sarj, and Lisa will all be there. My dad close by... it will be pretty great.

Corrections

2008-02-02T22:50:00.000-08:00

I read it on the internets so it must be true!

Well, I just wanted to correct my previous blog on 2 counts. Shannon Harps's (the stabbing victim) killer was found and arrested.
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2004145603_webharps25m.html

There were two men shot at Philly's - only the owner was killed. The other man, presumably a customer but possibly an employee, is in critical condition at Harborview.

Where's my handbasket?

2008-01-31T20:51:00.000-08:00

I just got back from Kung Fu where I learned that the new owner of Philly's Best, the sandwich institution on 23rd and Union was shot dead at 11:45 am yesterday in the shop. I don't know what I find most alarming about this. He is the second owner of the shop to be shot dead - the previous owner was killed 4 years ago in a robbery, I believe. This was not a robbery, apparently, it was personal.

The killer was on a rampage - first he went to his girlfriend's apartment and shot the place up, nobody was there. Then, he had some beef with the Philly's guy and so went straight there and killed him and a customer. In the late morning, broad daylight, weekday, right before the lunch rush.

One month ago, a young woman almost exactly my age was carrying groceries to her apartment on Capitol Hill, the wacky east-village-like white ghetto of Seattle. A man came up to her, stabbed her to death amidst her screams and before witnesses, ran off and was not ever caught. This death deeply affected me. I could be that woman. I lived on Capitol Hill for many years and have always wanted to move back there, I love the hill. I would not think twice of being on the street at 7 pm alone and unarmed.

This woman's death has brought a new sincerity to my kung fu training. I have always questioned myself, would I truly be able to defend myself against an assailant? Would I have the stomach to rip someone's eyes out, break their knees, their nose? I could never picture it, no, that's not it, I could never FEEL it. When I read about the woman on Capitol Hill, I knew that i could. I KNOW that I could. That I would fight against an assailant with all the tools that I have.

I bring that to my training now. When I practice street-fighting techniques, it no longer feels like playacting. I can feel the results of my attacks without it actually occurring. When I elbow someone's jaw (with friendly contact), I feel it breaking. I feel myself smashing it in, and instead of feeling frightened or disgusted, I feel empowered. I know that I have some tools to help me against an attacker.

i also realize the fragility of my body against any attacker who is on drugs or is carrying weapons or has friends. I know that my little body stands little chance against many things and I also know that I am likely to lose a real fight that befalls me. I also know that I will have the spirit to say to an attacker, YOU PICKED THE WRONG BITCH TO FUCK WITH TODAY and i will fight them with all the tools that I have. That woman's death reminds me of that fighting spirit.

I am scared that so many violent and horrific things are happening so close to me, all around me. I am terrified for Lucy and the world that sometimes seems so uncaring and upside-down. I am grateful for the tools I have, but I am never going to stop getting new tools, new weapons, new abilities to protect myself and my family. The world may seem like it's going to hell in a handbasket right now, but I am going to do what I can to keep it a good and safe place for me and my family to live.

My thoughts are with the families of the victims tonight and my heart goes out to all of them.

Shiva

2008-01-18T18:53:00.000-08:00

While I was in Connecticut scoping out kindergartens for Lucy, I learned that my beloved companion of 13 + years was killed by some sort of wild creature in the neighborhood.

Shiva has been with me longer than anyone I know, - 13 years, minus the few he spent with my brother while I went to college. He was adopted by Todd, who loved him as much as I did.

I got him when he was a sickly but wily little orange kitten. He had a cold of some sort that lasted for so long that it scarred his tear ducts and was plagued his entire life with a drippy eye. It was because of this that I became interested in nutrition and supplements (for pets) which led to my general interest in nutrition and health, which in turn leads me to where I am today.

He slept on my pillow when he was tiny and gradually grew and grew until he took over the whole thing and I had to get one of my own. He slept next to me until Lucy was born at which point he took a hiatus from the screaming and then from the bouncing and general loudness of children. He recently began to join me in bed again each night even if just for a quick scratch and purrfest.

He wasn't too crazy about the new addition we got to the family last year, either. Stellaluna tamed him, and though he pretended to merely tolerate her, but I knew he secretly loved her.

Though he was a curmudgeon, he always knew when I was sad or sick and came to sit and cuddle with me. He killed MANY rats since moving in here and left them partially eaten or intact as lovely gifts. I joked that the rats had an uprising and ultimately got him back in the end. You never know...

He began to become more ornery of late, pissing on the oven when we were too slow in feeding him. Though impatient about food, he also became more affectionate as he grew older. Sitting with us on the couch to get scratched and to fart.

I miss him terribly. I loved him as a real member of my family and it is hard for me to come home without his warm greeting.

Go Out With a BANG.

2007-12-19T17:33:00.000-08:00

For those still hanging by a thread to see how I did this quarter:
Microbiology - 3.7
Lab - 3.3
and.... drumroll please....
Statistics - 3.9!!

I rock.

My Brain Shook

2007-12-15T20:15:00.000-08:00

I'm done. I'm done! I'm DONE! I'm absolutely 100% completely done with being an undergrad. I took my last finals last week and now all I have to do is prepare my house, family, and self for moving across the country. I'm so glad! I'm not sure yet how I did overall, but I'm pretty confident I did well on my finals and finished out with a moderate bang. (is that a bing? a bap? whatever... i'm giddy)

In other news, well, there really is no other news. I was just feeling a bit neglectful of my blogging duties.

Today Lucy has been having a rough day. Well, we all have. She does something we don't like, we tell her not to do it in a grumpy way, which makes her do it again, because she feels bad and mad about having been told and then boom. A fight. It culminated tonight, after her best friend's birthday party and a long day of running around, cake, candy, and bad food.... Todd was clipping Stellaluna's (our black kitty) nails. Lucy made a loud noise which scared Stella. Stella scratched Todd. Todd told her in a grumpy way to not make noise and proceeded to continue with claw-clipping (i was *trying* to butt out) and she felt bad and mad and did another loud noise, the kitty really scratched todd and todd YELLED so LOUD!!!! I've never seen her yell at her like that ever... I've done it, but it's a first for papa...

Anyway, after the crying ended (major bigtime crying) and I was talking it over with her, she looked up at me with her tear-stained cheeks glistening and lip quivering and said, "He yelled so loud my brain shook."

Sometimes the imagery she comes up with astounds me. Especially in light of her extreme four-year-old behavior. She speaks with such clarity and beauty about feelings that she doesn't understand. It's miraculous.

Recently, she went through a phase when she was feeling not so well and I would pick her up at school and she looked so sad. Happy to see me, but like she was waking up from being sad. She told me each day, "I was feeling jealous for you." I thought she was just using the wrong word, a word I'd explained to her recently but that she wasn't grasping correctly. I would reply, "you missed me today?"
"Yes."

A couple of weeks later, I was alone in my car and the Writer's Almanac on NPR was on. It was Emily Dickenson's birthday and Garrison Keillor was reciting a poem, "The Last Night that She Lived". I realized that her word was so aptly chosen, it couldn't have been more real to what she was feeling. I was just too dense to understand. Not the last time, I'm sure.

The last Night that She lived
It was a Common Night
Except the Dying—this to Us
Made Nature different

We noticed smallest things—
Things overlooked before
By this great light upon our Minds
Italicized—as 'twere.

As We went out and in
Between Her final Room
And Rooms where Those to be alive
Tomorrow were, a Blame

That Others could exist
While She must finish quite
A Jealousy for Her arose
So nearly infinite—

We waited while She passed—
It was a narrow time—
Too jostled were Our Souls to speak
At length the notice came.

She mentioned, and forgot—
Then lightly as a Reed
Bent to the Water, struggled scarce—
Consented, and was dead—

And We—We placed the Hair—
And drew the Head erect—
And then an awful leisure was
Belief to regulate—

DUUUUUUUDE!

2007-11-28T13:09:00.001-08:00

So, i went to Yale for the interview. It was awesome. First, some first-year students hosted a dinner for us interviewees - very informal, just a chance to ask a lot of questions and eat some free food and enjoy a free beer. I had been feeling a bit sick all day - some weird infection that I will get into later - but I managed to have a great time and get a lot out of it. The most remarkable thing was that all these students seemed, well, happy! They were all very happy, well-rounded, relaxed people who seemed to be very diligent intelligent people who also had time for lives outside of the classroom.

(This is in opposition to the first program (and most others) who tried to scare us all with how much we would be in class and pretty much have no time for outside activities. Students seemed less healthy and happy, and a bit overwhelmed....)

At any rate, I was very impressed with the caliber of the students I met and with how much they seemed to feel supported in this very intense program by faculty and each other.

That night, i had a fever and a bad stomach thing and I couldn't get to sleep until about 4:30 am. I had to get up at around 6 to get to my 8:00 interview - so needless to say, I was not in prime condition. I slogged my way there after being unable to eat breakfast or (gasp) drink a cup of coffee. I was incredibly nervous and shaky and exhausted and a bit out of it. Luckily, my interviews were early in the day - so I got them over with rather quickly.

The first one was with the program director. She also had someone following her around, so he chimed it a bit as well, but she was in charge. It was very relaxed (I wasn't) and conversational. I felt OK about it, but I also felt like i kind of babbled on a bit, being a little out of sorts. Anyway, the next interview went very well, it was much more "interviewy" - 3 PAs - a faculty member and 2 practicing clinicians - were asking me questions. I relaxed a bit and felt very good about this one. The rest of the day consisted of info sessions, lunch with students, sitting in on a lecture, and a tour. By the end of the day, I was absolutely sure this was the place for me. I was ready to blow off all other interviews and acceptances, even if I didn't get in, I would reapply next year. I loved it.

As I told the director at the end of my interview, it seemed to really live up to the "hype".
"We have a hype?" She asked, at which point I was certain I'd blown it.

I walked off to my hotel, not really knowing how I did, but feeling OK about it. I was told time and again that they would likely let me know one way or another by the end of next week or 2 weeks from now at the latest. I was ready for the torture of waiting 2 weeks.

I got back to the hotel, told my dad all about it (he'd been watching Lucy all day, since Todd had to go to Nashville for work) and called my mom to fill her in. I hung up the phone and saw that it was ringing with a connecticut area code - I thought it would be my friend Lisa. Or Yale to ask me for some more information on an essay they'd had me write. Or to reject me and get it over with.

It was Mary, the program director. She was calling to tell me how much she'd enjoyed meeting me. She went on to say that sometimes they like to call a few people they are particularly excited about right away to invite them to join the program. She said she hoped I would complete my PA training at Yale.

Oh. My. God.

I told her how excited I was and we had a short conversation after which I yelled and screamed and had a jump hug with Lucy and my dad.

I did it. I got into YALE!!!

I can't wait.

Chugga chugga choo chooooo

2007-11-16T19:59:00.000-08:00

So now Cornell has contacted me for an interview as well! I'm not entirely keen on their program, it's very type-A, surgical focus, etc. etc. I mean the first year class days are Monday - Friday 8-5... in class... not to mention the time needed to study. Also, Cornell Medical School is in New York City, which i would love, but I think todd is extremely trepidatious about it. He loves his car and that would be a big deal. But... Well anyway, I'm interviewing there, just to see what it's all about. I'm still really hoping for YALE.

Did I already write about sweet Lucy's comment? She asked me when we were moving to Yale, and I told her that I hadn't been accepted yet, I was still just hoping to get in. She said, "Magic, magic, magic.... Mama get into YALE!" I love that girl.

She has been fantastic company lately. Like I said earlier to my friend Sarjan, having a four-year-old totally ROCKS.

I have been slacking on my kung fu lately... just don't have time for it between school and panicking about PA school and being a parent and whatnot. I did go last night and I learned a very cool knife form in its entirety. Sifu encouraged me to get a live blade to practice with. Yikes. I asked her after class about teaching while I'm away. I figure, I will have no time to really train on my own, but if I can commit to teaching a couple lunchtime classes per week, then I'll still be training! I got her seal of approval... she told me i'm certified to open my own school if i want. (i don't, but it's nice to be told that it's OK). So, i'm kind of vaguely thinking that's the direction my training will take while I'm in PA school - it will certainly take a backseat, but I don't want to lose it. It is part of who I am.

I've been doing well in my classes, but not as well as I keep expecting. There's still time, but Microbiology is the only one i'm vaguely certain of getting an A in... I will also be missing quite a lot of class to fly to the East coast for my interviews - 2 days the week after Thanksgiving (Yale) and two days the week after that (Cornell). Then the following week is finals week - it will be hard to focus. Still...

Then, if I get into Yale, the next six months are FREE - well aside from the packing, moving, school-hunting (for Lucy) and re-settling that will ensue - I just mean I won't need to be taking any more classes. Which would be nice.

We'll see.

Time to go put my little friend to bed.

Another Quick Update

2007-11-05T17:00:00.000-08:00

Yale!

They contacted me for an interview. I interview on November 26th. I am VERY excited! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!

Wish me luck.

Are We There Yet?

2007-10-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

Milestones here, some candy there... it's been a long couple of weeks.

I was accepted at Arcadia. I was going to turn them down until I received my official letter including an offer for a substantial scholarship and some mysterious "Merit Award". So I am giving them a second thought. I sent them a deposit, but am still hoping to get other offers for interviews at my top choices. Yale, where are you?!

I'm obsessively checking e-mail because Yale's timeline approaches completion... they said that we should be hearing regarding interviews by the end of October or early November - Halloween is tomorrow! Nobody has heard yet, according to a message board to which I'm subscribed. I'm also waiting to hear from George Washington in D.C. (i've kind of written that one off, they're already conducting interviews, but they've not yet rejected me) and Cornell, as well as the school in Boston. I'm interviewing in Philly in January.

Lucy turned 4!! She poops regularly in the toilet, is delightful fun, and will be a witch tomorrow for halloween. She told me yesterday that she wanted to be Batman instead, but I'm not buying any prefab plastic batman suit... I offered for her to be Batwitch - i could put the Batman emblem on her witch dress, but no dice. "That will be make me look crazy, mama!" Isn't that what Halloween is about?

Tomorrow her school does the best thing ever: All the kids go out in their costumes - ages 1-5 - and do a Halloween parade around the block. I think I will pee my pants.

School sucks.

I'm doing OK in Statistics. It's better than I thought it would be, but I haven't had any exams yet, so ask me next week (exam Friday).
I'm doing very well in Microbiology despite the fact that my prof could make the most interesting and exciting subject so boring i feel like repeatedly poking a pencil in my eyeballs for entertainment.
The one class I really enjoy - my microbiology lab - is going to be the death of me! I have totally SUCKED on all my quizzes and quizzes are what count. Those and the final exams. I mean, i LOVE the lab - it's interesting, I know what I'm doing, I really enjoy it, but i really suck at taking the tests in it. I will totally cry if i get a shitty grade in lab.

In any case, I don't think i'll be at UW next quarter. I probably don't have to do school at all after this until I start PA school depending on where I go, but I think I'll do the medical assisting thing anyway, just in case. That should be fun. And the schedule is super-flexible, so i can have a whole day with Lucy again. Hurray!

Quickie

2007-10-17T21:30:00.000-07:00

Got official acceptance from Arcadia. I think I will turn it down, but i'm not for sure yet.

Got another interview offer from another school in Philly. Still deciding when I'll go...

Still waiting to hear from Yale (they say late October/eary November but it doesn't feel too early to be obsessed with waiting.... I want Yale.

First exam in Micro today did not go as well as expected. Yada yada yada - we'll have to see about the curve. I *hate* this quarter. I'm so done doing PREREQUISITES! I'm ready for the real thing already!!!

Tick Tock Tick Tock...

2007-10-14T20:00:00.000-07:00

So, my classes this quarter are B-O-R-I-N-G.. I have a feeling I won't do all that well - I'm so bored in both my lectures that on Friday I actually tried to write down the names of the 50 states (I came up with 49 - I STILL can't figure out what the last one is... I think we only really have 49 and I just never before bothered to count).

I flew out to Philly on Tuesday for my Arcadia interview, back here on Wednesday. It was exhausting. My interview went very well, the first professor with whom I interviewed practically told me i would get in - without actually telling me. ("you'll be hearing from us soon... I mean, I'm not supposed to say anything, but... you'll be hearing from us soon...). I liked the Professors, it's a highly ranked school, academically very good. There were some things about it though that made me think I would not be happy there.

First, I was very surprised at how young my interview group was. There were several people just finishing undergrad. This is not typical for PA school. Second, I sat in on a class. In a class of around 60 students, I saw one person of color. ONE. Of any color. It was a sea of white - not only just white, but blonde. The town seemed very remote and not at all, well, wonderful for me. The school was not particularly family-friendly (probably a side effect of the young factor). I asked about families and got the "Yes, there are people with kids and families - I don't know how they do it." (from students). And the final thing - a seemingly small thing - there was no recycling on campus. I don't know if they don't have recycling in that town, or what, but any answer I could come up with for it was, well, a tiny red flag. (Yes, I am a goddamned tree-hugging hippie.)

So, I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do if they accept me. Perhaps I will accept them and just wait and see what happens. I am not leaning towards them, but it was nice to go through the interview experience and feel successful.

I'm also considering alternate methods of entry - more gentle progress. I have applied to many schools - they all have a minimum of required clinical experience (I have almost none) - but that leaves out UW and many other schools that interest me. So, I'm thinking of taking some time here to become a medical assistant, actually GET the experience I need to get into a school of my choice. That means I'll have some experience, KNOW it's what I want to do, and be able to get in here or many other interesting places. It just puts it off for a few years... i have mixed feelings on this.

I mean, I want to START already. I'm done with prerequisites, so SICK of them. On the other hand, Lucy will be much more ready for me to be gone a LOT in a few years. The program is incredibly intense - class times are generally 8-5 each day - not to mention study time or any of that. I will be overwhelmed with work. If Lucy is 8 or 9, she will be in school herself, much more involved with her friends and school activities, much less in need for mama.

One thing that has sent my thoughts down this route is how she has been since school started. I don't have my mama day with her any more and I'm in school almost full-time. She has been a total nightmare. Screaming tantrum fits that are completely out of control and for seemingly no reason. I have been exhausted and unhappy and so has she. When I returned from my 2 days away, she had the biggest, longest fit ever. The next day after that, I made a huge effort to be there for her and snuggle and pay attention to her and she became a giant love bug. She is intense, sensitive, anxious and very tied to her mama.

I feel so torn about heading directly into such an intense program.

So here's the current plan: I wait.

If Yale contacts me for an interview, I will go and hope they love me. I think their program would be a wonderful fit for me and I would be insane to turn them down.

If they don't want me, I start M.A. training in January. I get a job the following January and work for a couple years in the field and then apply to programs that i really WANT. Then I go.

Less insane?

More inane?

WTF?

*sigh*

My friends B & K tied the knot last night. They had a gorgeous fun wedding. Katy glowed like crazy. It was great. Lucy wore this red and black plaid polyester number with a ribbon and frills. Even I have to admit she looked adorable (i initially wanted to barf when it was the one she picked out at the store). She wore her polka dot Vans and mardi gras shamrock beads. What a fashionista. When she saw Katy in her wedding dress, she dreamily sighed, "I need to get a dress like THAT, mama."

She's been on-and-off pooping in the toilet. Hurray! She made the switch completely for weeks but then had a difficult one that sent her back to diapers. Yesterday, she pooped in the toilet and she ran down to tell grampa, "It just came out so fast! It was like brown lightening shot out of my butt!"

I will leave you with that.

My First Rejection...

2007-09-27T16:52:00.001-07:00

From University of New England (Portland, ME) arrived today. I didn't make it past the first cut to even be interviewed... so sad.

Humpty Dumpty Revisited

2007-09-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling out of sorts lately. Not just a little, but real curl-up-in-a-ball-question-the-world-we-live-in-and-my-place-in-it out of sorts. Not only that, but I've discovered a nasty monster that lives inside me over which i have little control. I have been completely out of step with and disconnected from Lucy for many days, and the days were turning into something longer and I was beginning to feel disconnected from me and my friends and my life and my self.

My disconnect manifest itself in a fuse much shorter than is normal for me, and when the fuse came to its explosive demise, the monster emerged and I would say things to my child I didn't expect and be angry in ways I didn't understand. It was like I was standing outside my body until it was over. (Before anyone goes calling CPS, I just mean that I would yell at her at slight provocation - she tested me more than usual and I yelled - there was no hitting or abuse of any kind) It was just not ME in there and I was beginning to wonder if I would return or if for some reason I was sliding into a new me, one i didn't like too much.

I started school this morning and in an attempt to reconnect, I promised to pick Lucy up from school early and take her shoe shopping - she'd just outgrown 2 pairs of shoes this week. Then we were going to go Halloween decoration shopping. We arrived at Northgate mall, a place I've frequented probably twice in my life, but I figured it was an easy Nordstrom to get shoes and it was near the halloween store. As we drove through the parking lot, a couple was crossing into the mall. There was no crosswalk. They were not yet in the road (no, i did not nearly run them down). They flipped me off for not stopping to allow them to jaywalk.

I flipped back
(did i mention I was out of sorts?)

I took Lucy in for shoes
"mama, what did you do?"
"A rude gesture."
"What's a rude gesture?"
"It's like when you are angry and you feel like saying something mean without using words, it was maybe not the best way to express myself."
"oh."

It took for-fucking-ever for us to agree on shoes. She wanted pink sequin slippers. I wanted black vans with cherries. She wanted silver and pink (ugly!) mary janes, I showed her black ones. We FINALLY agreed on some bronze mary janes. I just wanted to get out of there. I carried her and our shoes out to the car.

Those fuckers keyed my car! And not just a little key scratch either. Nope, my mini was gouged all the way around. From rear bumper down the passenger side, across the hood and back again. As you might imagine, I was FURIOUS! That is an understatement. I felt so simultaneously outraged and impotent, I actually wished for very bad things to happen to these people. I'm not the kind of person who does that. I mean, I'm not superstitious, but I don't like to tempt fate, if you know what I mean. I sobbed in fury.

When I finally got hold of myself, I went back inside and to the security surveillance camera area. We spent a good half hour in there looking at footage and we were able to see the couple go to an entrance, meet up with two other people and then split off. The man of the couple went with another guy up and down aisles looking for my car. I'm sure they would not have bothered had I been driving a blue Honda sedan or Ford Taurus. But no, I have to drive a mini Cooper with checkers on the roof. Not hard to find.

They hid, made sure noone was looking and then walked all the way around it and hustled off.

And no, the camera does not zoom in, we could not see any faces, and we did not see where they went. It was all pretty low-tech. But it gave me time to calm down and people with whom to commiserate. Lucy and I grabbed a snack and drink in the food court, snuggled, and made our way back to my poor marred car.

On the way home, Lucy asked why they keyed my car.
"Well, sometimes when you say or do something mean to someone, they only feel mad and want to do or say something mean back to you. They did a mean thing. So I did a mean thing back. So then they did a really mean thing back. When someone does something mean to you like that, you have two choices. You can do something that's mean back to them or you can let it go and end it. I should have let it go and so that's what I'm going to do now." (feeling very proud of my little speach)
"Well, I think you should just run them over!"

?!

At least I got a good laugh over that one.

Then we talked about it some more and she had another solution. When I told her again that I was going to let it go, she said, "You could have said, 'I don't like it when you key my car, so can you please not do that any more?'"

Eureka!

As part of letting it go, we went to the park and then out to dinner. After sharing my tale of woe with friends and family, playing at the park and enjoying a delicious glass of wine with dinner, I was feeling much better. I sank back into myself and had a wonderful evening with Lucy. I didn't feel all tight and pinched inside and she didn't mess with me. All I needed was to be on the receiving end of a little spiteful vandalism to put it all back into place.

And it didn't hurt that Lucy pooped in the toilet at St. Clouds!

And that papa returned from four long days away.

The mundane housekeeping:
School started today.
Statistics seems as though it will be as boring as expected. The prof spent a good half the class time futzing with the computer and not getting it to work and then the second half holding our hands through a very short scientific article. Oh yes, and he has a terrible stutter... I have compassion for the man, but at 8:30 in the morning, I just need a little ZAP in my day....
Microbiology will probably be very much fun. My first lab is tomorrow and i think i get to swab things and make cultures. Huzzah!
No word from any other schools yet...

An Update of all Things

2007-09-22T20:16:00.001-07:00

Well, vacation is nearly coming to a close. And, like most people, I didn't get anything done that I'd planned as far as projects around the house. Lucy and I drove to PAWMA in Petaluma CA, camped a coule days in the van, and then picked up papa from the airport and drove down to Monterey to spend a few days with my brother and his family. PAWMA camp was great, as usual. The classes were not as varied and exciting as in years past, for me at least, but I had a great time and my practice was invigorated.

I've been thinking of directions I want to take my training and it was great to hobnob with all sorts of practitioners. One thing I realized as I watched all the demos on Saturday night was how incredibly awesome my particular art (Kajukenbo) is and in particular, our branch (Bones family Gaylord method). Even though I might need to add this and that from other arts, the thing that makes this art so special is that you can add others and use them to improve your Kajukenbo.

Speaking of demos, our demo ROCKED. We were certainly one of the crowd favorites and it went off nearly without a hitch. I was so jazzed. Unfortunately, there was a bit of a video glitch and it didn't get recorded, but trust me, we were great. Good music, headsprings, handsprings, sword play, staff work... oo la la.

Lucy and I flew back and papa drove the van up the coast for a little solo time. A few days after his return, the three of us took off for Albany so that we could meet my close friends' new baby, Ruby Rae. She was ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS. We all fell in love. I've met a lot of babies since Lucy came along, but this was the first one that got my ovaries jumping up and down, if you know what I mean. Thank goodness I have an IUD, or I would have been pregnant immediately.... well, maybe not, but I had a great time helping out with that baby.

We also visited our friends who moved away to Vermont. We met with them for an afternoon halfway between - and their daughter and ours had a great time. It was great for us to see them, but too short and then we said our goodbyes and headed back to NY. I took my dad in for his annual test (he has had bladder cancer in the past, and so has frequent checks) and it came out clear. Hurray for that! He spend the night in our hotel with us to celebrate and then he headed back down to Woodstock. We were there for a whirlwind 6 day trip and it was jam-packed with activity.

Then, back home with 6 days to spare before classes start: Microbiology with lab (hooray!) and Statistics (ew). I'll be taking 10 credits - twice as many as in quarters past.... we'll see how it goes. I'm a bit nervous, but I'd better get used to it.

Speaking of school, my applications were submitted on August 27 and I've already received my first call for an interview. I'm flying out to Philadelphia to interview at Arcadia. I never expected to hear so quickly, but I'm excited! I'm still very hopeful about Yale. I mean, not only is it a reputable program, but the location can't be beat. Accessible to NYC, my friends in Albany, my dad, my friends in Brattleboro... it's very central. One of my dear friends actually lives in New Haven, but unfortunately she is moving back to Berkeley next spring. Alas.

Back home, it's great to be back, eating good food and exercising once again. I made it back to kung fu this morning for the first time in nearly a month. It felt great. My friend B has started with us after supporting Clayton, his fiancée Katy, and me in the art for 8 years! He finally succumbed to the dark side and we are VERY glad to have him.

School Wednesday
Grampa arrives on Oct 2 for a month
First interview in Philly Oct 10 (flying out the 9th, back the 10th so that I miss a minimum of school, but still...)
Lucy pooped in the toilet when we were in NY, but now back at home is back to the diaper *sigh*
She is however completely out of diapers at night and has had nary an accident (furiously knocking wood)
Lucy and Kita had a playdate with papa at the zoo today. By all accounts they all had a great time together with much love to go around. Hurray for that!
I guess that's all the news that's hardly fit to print.

Signing off.

The Shame and the Vacation

2007-08-25T20:38:00.001-07:00

So, I didn't do as well as I thought on my O. Chem. I was shocked, seriously, to find that I did so-so on BOTH finals and that I got a final grade of 3.0. I mean, I loved O. Chem, I thought I was doing well on the exams and then I come out with a B, I was surprised, let's leave it at that. I HATED Physics and managed to pull much higher grades in it. What's up with that?

Anyway, as soon as my last final was over, I ran up and grabbed Lucy and the two of us went on a road trip to Portland. We had a GREAT time! We hustled all over the city, stayed in a hotel and had room service, watched cartoons, ate ice cream and generally had a blast. We went down there for the original purpose of attending a friend's wedding, but we made a great vacation out of it. The wedding was awesome, by the way - I mean, how can you beat a wedding in which the bride walks down the aisle to AC/DC's Back in Black. Holy shit, that's the best walking-down-the-aisle song I've ever heard of. The juxtaposition of the blushing bride walking down amid pews of standing attendees, glowing with joy and BAOW-BANAOW-BANAOW....awesome.

Then we visited with my extremely pregnant former college roommate and her wonderful husband. Laura was always an outspoken, hilarious, witty, intelligent, and independent artist in college. Now she is an outspoken, hilarious, witty, intelligent, and independent public defender, wife, and mother-to-be. It's astounding to see someone so unchanging, so essentially the same amidst the changing roles she assumes. It was great fun to be with her again and she always makes me laugh (so does sam, her husband, who Lucy was really taken with - we spent much of the weekend discussing him as she tried to figure him out).

All in all, it was a much-needed mother-daughter experience.

I don't know if I ever followed up my whole reference letter saga - but my former professor who previously opted out recently sent me a letter informing me that she would indeed write the letter. Apparently, there were circumstances, devastating deaths in the family and she was suddenly adopting her 4-year-old niece having absolutely no experience with children and no friends with children. wow. So Lucy and I had a playdate with them the other day. The kids took a while to warm up to each other but were holding hands and chasing one another by the end of the afternoon. It was lovely. I truly cannot imagine what they are all going through.

Lucy and I are driving down to Petaluma, California on Thursday for PAMWA camp (http://www.pawma.org) and sleeping in our van for a few days while I train in various martial arts all day. My mom is flying out and will take Lucy during the day so I can really train all day. I love pawma camp, it's my favorite thing all year! I can't wait. This year, there will be 5 of us from Seattle Kajukenbo and we are doing a demo performance which is going to be COOL on Saturday night. Then Todd will fly down and meet us and we will drive to Monterey to see my brother and his kids. Lu has not seen her cousins since last time PAWMA was in CA, which was over 2 years ago, making her about 21 months old at the time. It will be a blast.

Speaking of Lucy (or Sally - have I mentioned that she changed her name?) - there has been no more pooping in the toilet. She claims she will do it when she is 4. I'm a bit concerned, as she is extremely anxious about it. She has a similar issue with blowing her nose, which is what really concerns me. I mean, she'll blow her nose now, but only after she screams and freaks out about it and refuses and is finally threatened with the nose snorker (the suction device used to snork snot out of babies' noses). She's got a phobia about it and I really think she is developing a similar phobia about pooping in the toilet. I'm growing concerned. I'm thinking if birthday comes and goes and this is still going on, I might want to seek some help, because I don't know what to do to help and to not make it worse at this point. And I really don't feature changing poopy diapers through grade school.

*sigh*

My close friend Sarjan had a beautiful baby girl yesterday. Actually, I don't know that she's beautiful, I haven't seen her, I can only imagine from the genes that went into her... She was 9 pounds 1 oz. Lucy, Todd, and I are flying out to NY shortly after our return from CA to see them all. I'm excited, but also exhausted thinking about all the traveling, travel food and bad nights of sleep ahead...

I suppose that is the update for now. My applications to schools are all submitted, now all I have to do is sit around and wait and wait and wait....

Can't talk. Studying.

2007-08-14T22:28:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to mention that LUCY FINALLY POOPED IN THE TOILET! A real poop. A big one. Hurray!

I think i can i think i can i think i...

2007-08-12T13:11:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm almost done with O. Chem. I have been studying for a couple hours with a friend, which was good, but also freaks me out a bit about how much I have left to do. I didn't realize how much a shorter quarter (2 weeks shorter) would make it SO MUCH CRAZIER. Ay. Well, Friday I'll be all done with it and I won't have any more O. Chem to do. One thing that is both annoying and exciting is that my prerequisites are different now for PA school than they were for med school. I never have to take another quarter of Physics. Hurray! But unfortunately, the prereq's are different for each program that I look at.

I've officially applied to 11 programs. Most of them on the East coast, a couple in the Southwest, but I'm thinking East Coast is my best bet. My current faves are Yale (long shot), MCPHS in Boston (could be a kind of long shot), George Washington University in DC (who knows?!). There is also a school in Maine, which is probably a better shot, but it is far away in Maine. There are also a couple in Philadelphia that appeal to me, so we'll see.

I have to take the GRE again, which is annoying, but my close friend Elise and I are going to take it together next month, which should be kinda fun.

The more progress with all this, the more I realize that it's the right decision for me. Becoming a PA will no doubt be extremely challenging and consuming, and take me away from Lucy more than I like, but for 2 (or possibly 3) years, it's doable. The light will be right there at the end of the tunnel and when I come out, I can practice in an area that needs me. I can finally be a contributing member of society again. I can do something meaningful, worthwhile, that i love... oh dare i dream....

Right now I'm procrastinating. I have a FAWKING hard exam coming up for O Chem followed by another FAWKING hard O Chem exam 2 days later. Todd is going on a kayak/camping trip on Wednesday so I had better use my time wisely, but right now (it is now the next day from when I began writing this one) my brain needs a little respite.

I can't wait until Friday afternoon. I'm picking Lucy up directly after my final exam and we're piling in to the car and driving down to Portland. We're officially going for a friend's wedding, but I'm making a weekend of it, going to see my old college roommate and dear friend who is about to pop out a new baby and hang out in a nice hotel with my lovely girl for the weekend. I'll probably never want to come back!!

Speaking of lovely girls... we've had more pooping problems. She didn't poop for FOUR days, she holds it when she's at school and then her body gets all messed up - also she's transitioning (mentally mostly) to toilet pooping and I don't know if you've picked this up, but she's a very intelligent, extremely sensitive, and quite an anxious little poopster. She's freaked out about pooping in the toilet, but she really wants to do it... it's stressful for her and all of us. Anyway, we are giving her mineral oil, per doctor's orders, and her poops are coming out finally. Phew. She even pooped a tiny pea-sized one into the toilet this morning. There was much hullaballoo over that and the fancy white dressed re-emerged from the drawer.

We went to the worst party ever yesterday. I won't go into detail to protect the innocent. Suffice it to say that one of Lucy's friends is turning into a real monster, such that I can't even stand to be around her and it pains me to see the way she treats Lucy and everyone around her. It's so hard not to intervene. I will not be making much effort to get them together in future. It is difficult due to other circumstances to maintain distance, but I have decided that it's important for me. It was so bad there that Todd couldn't even stand it more than 20 minutes and he left early and walked home.

Anyway, I'd better get cracking. 4 days and counting... and then I AM SO ON VACATION!!!!

Blazing Ahead

2007-07-28T21:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I've completed my PA applications (to NINE programs!!!) in a record one week. I was in a huge hurry because my favorite program (a long shot - Yale) has a deadline for application submission of September 1. That might seem like a lot of time from now, but as you may know, I went to Evergreen, where they have no grades and my transcripts are a Tolstoyesque novel of narrative evaluations.... The central application service has to process my transcripts and spit out a GPA (?!) for me in the time before the deadline. So, not too optimistic about that, but fingers crossed. I've also had several friendly e-mails with the director of admissions there, so we'll see.

As far as my current work - I'm doing pretty well in O. Chem. I did OK on the first exam, not as well as I'd thought, but waaaay better than I felt about Physics. There is still hope for an A, though probably a low A, looming in my future.

I did get kinda screwed on part of my application to CASPA (the PA central application organization...) My letters of reference have to be in to the agency to pass my application on to my prospective programs. I had asked a former professor back in March if she would be able to write me a letter of recommendation. She agreed without hesitation and interviewed me for about an hour to get material for the letter.

I recently sent her an e-mail letting her know that I would still need that letter, but it would be for PA programs instead of med school. I didn't hear back for a couple days, so I called her office and left a message to the same effect. She then sent me an e-mail informing me that she had a family emergency and was having to leave town and would probably not be able to write me my letter of reference.

Now, I totally understand that emergencies happen and I feel for her, it sounded serious, whatever it was. But, I did ask her in MARCH and I assumed she would have had something written down by now that she could just send off. So I got screwed. It sucks, because I've been out of school so long that I don't have a relationship with any more of my former professors. All the recent classes I have are large lecture classes where the professor barely knows who I am.

My Physics professor has agreed to write my academic letter of reference, but it will be impersonal at best. But required, so not much I can do. I asked my O Chem prof to write one, I laid my situation on the line for him, but he didn't feel comfortable doing it, so I let him off the hook. But I have good ones coming from a former employer (and good friend) and another from Dr. C. at the Clinic, so I should be OK.

Fingers crossed, everyone! By this time next year, I could be starting school!

Lucy funny:
She climbed into bed with us the other morning to snuggle and Todd says dreamily, "This is Lucy, she's my daughter..."
Lucy retorts, "I think mama already knows that."

She cracks me up.

A changing of the plans

2007-07-22T21:07:00.000-07:00

So, you may wonder where the hell I've been lately. Or maybe nobody's really paying attention, but anyway, here goes. As you know, I've been struggling with my decision to go to med school ever since I made it. The thing is, I really want to be a primary care provider. I looked at Nurse Practitioner a while back and really decided that the nursing model is not for me. And then I looked at Physicians Assistant - essentially the same scope of practice as the NP - primary care (though PAs can have specialty areas), they can prescribe and diagnose - and I dismissed it out of hand because the UW school requires that you have 2 years full-time paid clinical experience before applying to the program.

Well, I've been rethinking my possibilities. I really love my relationship with my daughter. It completely freaks me out that I would be away from her for the better part of 7 years - or at best I would be peripherally there. I am not a peripheral parent. By the time I complete med school, Lucy would be 11 or 12. I'll be ready to hang out with her again just when she will be ready to say good bye and hang out with her friends instead. This does not suit me.

PA school lasts 2 years. It is intense, and though PAs are afforded the same scope of practice as NP's, the PA program is designed on the MD model instead of the nursing model, which suits me much better. So, what about those pesky 4000 hours (2 years) paid clinical experience? Well, I've been wrestling with that one now for a while.

One thing I realized is that we could move. I don't HAVE to go to UW for that. We could live anywhere for 2 years and if we don't like it, we'll return in 2 years. No biggie, really. There are schools that require less clinical experience (actually, they ALL require less than UW) so I'd be ready after a year of it. There are even schools that require NO clinical experience, and I'm applying now. Yes, NOW. There aren't many of those and they still recommend that you have the experience, but it's worth a shot.

While I'm applying, I've been trying to decide the best way to get the clinical experience with little or no training. Most "entry level" clinical jobs are things I'd hate, like phlebotomist, respiratory theapist, EMT, etc. And those requare training anyway. So I figure if I'm going to have to get training, I might as well find something i'd like to do for a couple years - so I'm going off to vocational school in the fall to get a certificate in Medical Assisting. It'll take a year, but then I'll have the certificate and if I haven't gotten into my first round of PA schools, I can get a job and begin getting experience.

I'll apply to the second lot of schools after my 6 - 12 months of experience and if that doesn't work, I'll keep on working as an MA until i'm eligible to apply to UW and then we'll just stay here!

I'm actually incredibly excited and relieved to have made this choice. It means I can still work towards doing what I love - working with people in a medical setting. I can still be a primary care "doc" - spending more time with patients than the MDs usually can and getting to know them a little bit better, performing procedures, etc. etc. etc. I can still get the type of education I want. But I don't have to devote my soul to becoming an MD.

Wish me luck on my new endeavor!

O Chem is going very well. I had my midterm last week, and it remains to be seen how well it's going (grades in on Tuesday) but I have a pretty good feeling about it. I really enjoy it and I'm so incredibly glad to be done with Physics forever. (Oh, didn't i mention, it's not required for PA - and neither is the MCAT!!!!)

Lucy is fabulous. She is having pooping problems lately though - she wants to learn to poop in the toilet, but she is struggling with some pretty bad constipation issues. She pooped a teeny tiny pea-sized poop in the toilet for the very first time (she cried the whole time, she is so scared for some reason, the poor thing - i had gotten her a dress she really wanted as "motivation" for pooping on the toilet so she really really wanted to do it, it was pretty hard for her). Anyway, there was much excitement over the pea-sized poop and she got her dress.

I promptly took her in her new dress to the farmer's market where she told complete strangers, "This is my new poop dress! I got it because I can poop in the toilet now!" Oh, the looks I got.

Where O Where Is My Summer Going?

2007-07-10T20:35:00.000-07:00

I just thought I'd post a post since I haven't posted any posts in a while and I'm wondering if people are wondering where have my posts gone... so here i am.

I'm back to training, and really I'm feeling better and better about my test the further away from it that I get. And I don't mean that I'm feeling better about my performance at the test, but that I've been able to absorb some of the many lessons from the test and I feel it was so important in my growth as a martial artist. I do feel I'm reaching a deeper level in my training and I can see how much of this path still remains for me. I had great fun this evening (despite temperatures at the school reaching into the 90s) as we practiced forms and sparring as a monkey or a crane. I was having great success as a monkey!

Organic Chemistry is fun too, but a bit scary. I'm quite nervous about the upcoming midterm. I know I always say blah blah blah about my tests, but I know the exams are going to be hard. We get these monster homeworks each week with a combination of book problems and the prof's own personal problems. His creations are long, detailed, complex and almost always unsolvable (by me). This does not bode well for me. Hopefully the curve will be steep.

We got a camper van. One of those cute little eurovan VW camper dealies. It's something I've always wanted and then when we could finally afford it, Todd was going to get it and i talked him out of it. We don't need more stuff! I'm going a little crazy with the accumulation of late, and frankly, i'm a little grossed out by it, but that's another story. Anyway, we began to drive by one several times and so finally i said, ok go look at it... so we got it and IT'S THE BEST THING WE'VE EVER GOTTEN.

Seriously. I don't drive it around town, in fact, so far I've never driven it about town, but we took it camping this weekend. We just went to shake it out, work out the bugs before our first big camping trip. We went someplace close by and set up shop. For those of you who don't know Lucy, she is a very sensitive person and also quite a city girl. I was a bit worried about how she would respond in the great outdoors. She is freaked out by bugs and noises and suchlike lately, so...

Well, she did great! I mean I worked pretty hard to make it as fun as possibly to get a positive review from her, but seemingly it worked. She loved sleeping in the van in her sleeping bag. She LOVED s'mores. And she loved learning how to pee outside. When we got home, she began to insist on sleeping in her sleeping bag every night. The only thing that bothered her was the popping sound that the fire makes. But I think with experience...

I wish my Summer were not filled with school so that I could take her camping every week! I think we may camp in the van on the street soon, we love it that much.

The three of us will be going again in a couple weeks for a longer jaunt - probably 3 nights a little further from home. I can't wait. Then in September, I'm going to an annual women's martial arts camp that will be held in Northern California this year. I'm going to drive the camper down and sleep in it (so I don't have to contend with a crowded dorm-like setting... i'm kinda over that...) and then Todd and Lu are going to fly down and meet me and we'll drive down to Monterey to see my brother and family - even my mom is flying out from Florida - and then the three of us will drive back, camping all the way! I can't wait.

So that is the update. I'm off now to study for next week's midterm.

Part I. Check.

2007-06-24T20:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. It was fawkin' hard. And in totally different ways than I expected.

First of all, I was tremendously nervous, and I've never been very nervous for one of my tests before, but this was the big one. I had been training like crazy for several months, working like a dog to get in awesome shape, and diligently training my injuries away. I had absolutely no time to myself between family, school, and training. It was all about this, and I truly didn't even realize it until after it was over.

She started me with forms, which was good, that was definitely one of the better parts of the test. Then punch counters (set responses to one or two punches to the face) - which is where it started to fall apart for me. I just wasn't feeling right, I wasn't hitting the targets just right and often not blocking. I just didn't feel like i was in my body, so it was almost like it had a split-second delay before I could respond.

Then there was street (more practical free-form street fighting against any one technique). Again, I was still not in my body and there was a delay. Professor (my Sifu's teacher - an honor to have her on my board)'s response to this was to have me spin around in circles around the perimeter of the room and then respond to an attack. Better. But I was losing faith in my ability to do this test.

Then sticky hands (close in technique where you focus on unbalancing and striking a partner while staying stuck together, touching). I spent about 5 minutes doing sticky hands with one of the black belts and that was when professor Bones got up and decided to do sticky hands with me. For about 10 minutes - whack to my face, slap! slap! punch to the gut. ow. I almost lost it - ran to get water and breathe, came back to everyone gearing up with sparring gear.

I had to spar everyone in the school one by one - the last person was a black belt and i was to demonstrate jamming. I made some crack about jamming using my face, which i then promptly did and got a forearm smash to the nose. Got up to continue fighting, realized I was dizzy and saw stars and then laid down with ice on my face. I was overwhelmed. It was not good.

But after about 10 minutes of sobbing in the bathroom and feeling like a fraud and knowing everyone was waiting for me, I went back out and went on with the test. Two-on-one sparring and then that part was over. After that, there was some teaching stuff where I had to demonstrate my teaching skills and then at the end, more forms while I answered questions about the art and my feelings about it. Then 10-15 minutes of horse stance answering more questions and that was that. It was over.

That was how it looked from the inside. All that build up and each minor thing that went wrong was like a huge disappointment to me. It was all out of proportion and my emotions got the best of me at times. But each time I came back. Each time I was able to fight and was able to do everything that was asked of me. Each time I showed my spirit.

And I got my black belt. People swarmed me with hugs and congratulations and words of admiration and adulation and said I inspired them and all I could hear was the hum of my brain and feel like I wanted to cry and laugh and throw up.

I did it. I am a first degree black belt in kajukenbo. I am still filled with emotion as I write it.

In other news, I have decided to postpone my application to med school by a year. I am insanely trying to "review" for classes I still need to take while also taking those classes. I've finally realized that it's ridiculous and that if I wait one year, I will have actually completed the necessary material, and actually stand a chance of doing well.

With that decision, I feel slight disappointment that I can't get it all done and get the ball rolling, but I feel a huge relief that I have time to learn what I need to learn and that I can now take some time for myself, since I also won't be training every free moment.

My life is about to change.

The Moment of Truth

2007-06-22T17:49:00.000-07:00

Well, ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow is the day. I'm freaked out, excited, freaked out, nervous, ready, freaked out, impatient, freaked out, and oh yes, a little freaked out.

I'm in the best shape of my life, but my hips are really tight and injured. My back is almost 100% better. I'm exhausted and have not been sleeping very well in my freaked-outedness. I'm thrilled by how many people have said they're planning to come and feel tremendously supported. I'm thrilled my mom is here, my dad sent flowers, and all my ducks are in a row. This is seriously going to be the most difficult thing I've ever done. Seriously.

I'm a bit freaked out.

In other news, I started my MCAT class and Organic Chemistry this week. I absolutely love Organic Chemistry. Finally, something that makes sense to me, something I can sink my teeth into. On the other hand, I feel completely out of my league in preparing for the MCAT. For one thing, there are several things I haven't even learned yet. The Organic (1 - 2 quarters to go) Inorganic (1 more quarter) and the Physics (1 more quarter). I thought I'd pick it up as I go, but those things are CRAZY. And the other thing is biology, which is in my distant past and has changed tremendously since I took it.

With all that in mind, I'm seriously considering putting off my application for another year, so I can actually be prepared for the MCAT (you know, like after I've actually taken all the classes covered). Oy. I really want to be done with this pre-med stuff and apply for the real deal. But at the same time, I'm really treading water in the MCAT prep and I feel totally unprepared at times. This is a quandary.

But for now, I have other things to focus on.

Oh yes, there was an annoying drama involving Lucy's best friend and child care for the test. Suffice it to say that it involved a severe lack of consideration for the fact that I'm testing for my black belt tomorrow. In any case, I'm getting over it.

Today is my fabulous dear friend Clayton's birthday. I picked Lucy up from preschool early and we went to the Chocolate factory for a tour (and so that I could get Sifu a bunch of chocolate as an offering) where we all overdosed on chocolate. Came home, took a nap (ha ha) and went to get gifts for all members of the board. Todd's making a nice carbalicious supper, and I plan to go to bed early (ha ha).

Wish me luck. The next time I write, I will have completed one of the two goals outlined at the outset of this blog. Black belt. Check? Med school, next!

Funny Lucy quote of the day:
In the chocolate, upon being told that she was only allowed one more piece of chocolate (by me):
"One piece doesn't suit me!"

Creeping up

2007-06-16T21:25:00.001-07:00

Well, it's officially the one week countdown. Thus far, I've been relatively blasé about the test, i mean, not exactly, but I've been doing what i need to do and sort of even looking forward to it, inviting friends etc. Well, folks, it's officially time to PAAAAAANIC!!!!!

I mean seriously. I was sitting and talking with a friend yesterday and she asked me what is different about getting a black belt than getting any other rank. As I explained it to her, a fear grew in my belly that I would actually have to demonstrate some of these things.

When I was about to test for my brown belt, about two weeks before the test, I got an e-mail from Sifu saying that she was having doubts that I should test so early (it was quite close to my green belt test). She had some concerns about my fighting skills. I had a conversation with her later that day (after weeping like a little girl and then growing rapidly pissed off) and she gave me the option to test or to postpone. She was worried that it would not be a good test for me and that there would be a lot asked of me as far as my advanced fighting skills.

I decided to test, and after much getting over of the hurt feelings, I decided to totally kick its ass. I did it too. And it was a hard test. I can't tell you how many people came up to me afterwards, flabbergasted by the level of intensity demanded of me at that test. I think Sifu knew that she lit a fire under my ass and she wanted me to show it. I did. And then I knew that my black belt test was going to be a killer. I put that in the back of my mind.

I was explaning to my friend (and now to those of you who aren't in kung fu with me) about the difference between getting my black belt and reaching brown. First, there is no new material between brown and black, it's all about mastering material you already know. I thought I'd get bored with that, but I really didn't. I reached a couple plateaus, especially in my fighting skills, but I grew a lot this year. A lot.

I will be expected to show not just a knowledge of the material, which all previous ranks focus on, but now to allow the art to express itself through me, and to express it the way that I've taken it in. I will be faced with extremely difficult situations unfamiliar to me and asked to draw on all my skills without losing sight of the whole art by focusing on the difficulties or techniques. I have to do what I know. I need to show what I have.

I know I have a lot. But I also know that there is a LOT that i'm uncomfortable with. Throw me under a pile of people and ask me to get out from their grabs and chokes and I will do it. It might take a while, but I will do it. Hand them some knives and sticks and I tend to panic.

Sparring with one person, no problem. Throw in another and it's difficult. Add two or three more and it's no problem. (go figure) Give them some sticks and knives and, well.... you see where this is going. And I just have no idea what to expect.

Not to mention the exhaustion factor. This is a long, arduous test. I think Clayton and Julia's test was about 4 and a half hours. There were two of them, but I don't imagine it will be shorter with just me.

Oh yeah, did i mention that it will be JUST ME up there???

One thing I will say, though, is that I feel so totally supported my so many people right now. People are making a huge effort to support me in getting my black belt. One person is waiting a week to move into their new house that they just bought so they can be at the test. One person is skipping an annual party to be there. People have joined forces to make a nice party at a friend's house for afterwards and Clayton has offered to make invitations to that.

Dave has spent significant time training with me after hours and for long hours to help me prepare. Tristan has joined us when she can.

After some initial drama involving my husband and mom, my mom is coming from Florida. Tons of friends have said that they would be there to watch, even if just for a part of the test (did i mention that it's long?) including Dr. D from the clinic.

I am so grateful to have all that support.

I started my MCAT class (again). I feel stupid and like I can never get a good enough score on the exam. I took a practice Physics subject test today and got 38%. It was demoralizing. I know a lot of what I'm taking the class for is becoming comfortable with MCAT style questions (they like to be tricky) but still... demoralizing.

Monday I start O. Chem. I'd better get cracking! At least my studies will distract me from that PAAAAANIC!

Still Here...

2007-06-01T21:41:00.000-07:00

Things have been smooth and busy lately, hence the blog inactivity. I just wanted to mention that my test is in THREE WEEKS (from tomorrow)!!!! I'm feeling pretty good - I'm just training as much as possible while still getting another A in Physics (seriously) and also taking care of my little one.

Sarv was here for a couple weeks, which was great! We miss him. I'm feeling sad and empty-housed now that he's gone (and Todd is out and Lucy's asleep).

Lu has been a real doll these past couple weeks. I find that my patience is often quite limited lately, but I'm trying to get a handle on it. Tonight I joked with her about how my patience was getting smaller and was the size of a walnut, so if she didn't get her #$%&! pajamas on it would get even smaller. Well, kinda joked. She thought it was funny. She hadn't napped and was asleep in a few short minutes after hitting the pillow....

She's been preoccupied with death lately. It's disconcerting. It's hard for me to be reassuring when I'm so uncertain about my beliefs there. I tell her that only our body dies and that our spirit lives on afterwards. She also asks a lot of questions about people who have died, like Jimmy, her grandfather (Todd's dad), Grampa's parents and asks why they died. She doesn't want to die and is afraid of it.

We also talk about how to keep our bodies healthy, which is certainly where I feel much more comfortable. She's so confident in her understanding of that - "I'll never eat that bad junk food ever!" Tee hee. When she asked why her grandfather (Todd's dad again) got sick enough to die, I told her that he didn't take care of his body and did things that were very bad for it and eventually it couldn't repair itself. She then asked what sorts of things keep our body healthy (hurray!) and I told her about eating healthy grow foods and moving around and playing all the time. What fun!

So, did I mention that I'm testing for my black belt?

I had my last Physics class of the quarter today. Final's on Tuesday. As long as I don't totally screw the pooch on the final (possible) I'll be getting my A! Hurray! Who'da thunk...

Then the ridiculous MCAT prep class and O. Chem. My Summer is gonna suck. It may prove to be too much, in which case I'll have to decide whether or not to continue with O. Chem or the MCAT class. Dropping the MCAT class and postponing my MCAT basically postpones my med school application for a year. O. Chem can wait, but I wouldn't be able to take biochem in time, which would be a drag... I'm weighing my options and waiting to see just how completely crazy it is to do both. At least I won't be preparing for my black belt any more.

Lucy started kung fu! And she loves it. She is also doing gymnastics and she is fantastic! She really throws herself into it and has a great time. I'm so impressed by her. I'm letting her lead the way and let me know if she wants to let any of it go - there's a circus class I'd love for her to try, but seriously... anyway, she's so excited to go to both things that we have been unable to drop either. We'll see how it goes next session when she'll probably have a different teacher in gymnastics. That could change everything. Of course not with kung fu - Tristan teaches the little ones and she adores Tristan.

I guess that's the update for now....

Pluggin' Away

2007-05-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

Well, the countdown continues. 5 weeks and 4 days until my black belt test. Did you hear me, FIVE WEEKS AND FOUR DAYS!!!! Holy man.

My Mondays are pretty much all about training - I do about an hour of self-training at the school, followed by an hour of death-training with the trainer at the gym. Then, Physics, then in the evening 1 - 2 hours of kung fu class, and once a month (last night) there is brown/black belt class at 7 star which I also attend. I was VERY tired when I came home last night. I'm upping my personal training for the rest of this month to 2x/week. It's really helping with my conditioning, I can't imagine trying to do this without help!

On the upside - the test is at the beginning of the Summer, which means I get to show off my finely-tuned machine of a body for the remainder of swimsuit season. :)

There are only 3 more weeks left of the quarter - one more exam and then the final. I think I did pretty well on that last exam, but I won't know until tomorrow.

Tonight my dad arrives for 2 weeks! I'm very excited, as is Lucy. I told her she could stay up late and wait for him to arrive, so long as she has a nap at school today. Hurray for grampas and free babysitters! Heh.

I have been working hard on my AMCAS application (the central application for medical school). I have a pretty reasonable rough draft of my personal statement, which is the hard part. I have filled out *most* of the rest of it - now it's just a matter of fine-tuning and then of course waiting until August 20 to take my MCAT.

I've been feeling so committed to getting into medical school, that I realized that if i don't get in, I will be devastated.... let's not go there.

My Summer is going to be crazy. I think I will have to quit or at least minimize the clinic, which makes me utterly sad. But I need to do everything I can to crank the MCAT. I am so looking forward to that being over...

Well, time for me to get Grampa's bed and room ready.

The Ego Gets a Stroke

2007-05-11T20:25:00.000-07:00

In the clinic the other day, Dr. C took me aside to aske me what *I* thought about the other student - a Nurse Practitioner student who is doing a rotation in the peds clinic. Me, a premed with absolutely no training (yet). I gave her my opinion - basically that the student is nice, but that she relies mainly on her knowledge of text, follows the form she wants to fill out, and doesn't listen to the experience of the parents. This is clearly frustrating for parents, which (when she's taking a history) is usually when i step in basically to repeat something a parent said.

Anyway, Dr. C completely agreed with me and told me she was glad it wasn't just her, (there were some other things that bothered her as well) and she was going to have a talk with her.

*puffs chest out with pride*

I just felt like she really trusted my opinion and also that she viewed me as a capable person in the medical field. Hurray!

It's nice to get noticed.

Also, I sort of kicked my Physics test's ass today. Well, maybe not, but it felt pretty OK. It's so hard to tell.

Lucy is calling me, "I'm ready for you mama!!!!!" Time to put the little booger to bed.

More Angry Moments

2007-05-10T20:07:00.000-07:00

Lucy: I'm mad!
Papa: Why are you so mad?
Lucy: Because mama drank my FRICKIN' water!

New Forms of Protest

2007-05-06T12:11:00.000-07:00

I walked in to the house yesterday to find my daughter bare-bottomed.

"What happened to your pants?"
"I was so mad, I took off my pants."
"Oh."

The bipolar nature of being me

2007-04-30T20:54:00.000-07:00

I went to a medical school info session at my local med school of choice. It was really exciting! (No, i am being serious... i'm excited). The first half was a description of the curriculum here, which is really innovative and well-suited to me. Lots of small group learning and opportunities to work with underserved populations. I got all jittery thinking of myself as a medical student - imagining myself as one of those students, an actual member of a medical team. I'm all gooey about it.

The second half of the session was an admissions person describing what it takes to get in. As she went over everything, I began to feel comfortable, like yes, i am an extremely desirable candidate. I have good academic records, solid clinical experience, a long work history, an interesting background, etc. etc. Then at the Q & A at the end, I asked about Evergreen and what would be done with my transcripts.

(For those of you who don't know me personally, I went to the Evergreen State College as an undergrad. It is an alternative school, which focuses on collaborative interdisciplinary studies and also offers no grades. Students are given comprehensive written evaluations from each of their professors instead.)

I was essentially told that my transcripts would be ignored and that they would calculate a GPA estimate based on my MCAT scores. YIKES! Way to put double pressure on my MCAT!!!! That also means that they will ignore all the excellent grades I've gotten SINCE Evergreen - and the MCAT will be the only thing quantified - at least in the first round of the application process until they get to the interviews, assuming i make it that far.

Holy shit! I'd better get cracking.

So, yeah, that changes my focus a little. I mean, i still want to ace Physics and all the classes that follow, but I really need to start cracking down on MCAT studies NOW.

That's what I'm doing right now, by the way. :)

Lucy is no longer a nursling! The weaning process was SO much easier than I'd anticipated. We started a little over a week ago, I said she could get a Mater (truck from "Cars") when we went down to 2 times a day. That was relatively painless. Then on Friday night, I told her about Sally (Porsche from "Cars" - yes, i had a stash) - she could get Sally when we went down to one time a day. When she realized there were more cars to be had, she said she was ready to stop nursing, so I got out Doc and Lightening.

She fussed a little at bed time that night but i cuddled with her and told her that I knew it was really hard to make that decision and that she could nurse if she wanted to and I would put the cars away until she was ready. She wanted the cars more than nursing and so contented to snuggle.

There have been a couple moments like that, but she is seemingly at peace with no nursing! I thought I'd feel a little sad about it, but I'm so proud of her and I'm really just excited to move out of that phase of life. It'll be nice to have my boobs back to myself.

I know a lot of people question the fact that we nursed so long, but first I would like to say, well, basically, it's none of your business and so there. But since I just made it your business by writing about it publicly, I would just like to say that there is no other choice I would have made with this child. I have an incredibly attached, intelligent, articulate, and sensitive child who is also amazingly INDEPENDENT.

In many children, nursing is the only time they stop, settle, and relax. It is also a time to cuddle and connect with mama. We enjoyed that relationship for a long time and I know that if I'd tried to wean a year or even 6 months ago (i often suggested that we would soon stop and got a NOT YET type response) it would be met with terrible resistance and regression, as has been the case with transitions I've attempted to force or speed up with her. I know that we were both ready for this change because (knock wood) it has been absolutely painless. She has been a joy to be around and I think she is really proud of herself for making the decision to stop.

She turns 3 and a half, gets her first haircut (oh man it's cute), and quits nursing all in the same week!

Well back to the books.

Thoughts and Inspiration

2007-04-23T21:43:00.000-07:00

As any of you who have been reading my blog know, I've been tormented with whether or not to go to med school. I'm back. I'm forth. I'm in. I'm out... tormented is not an understatement.

Well, I've spent much of the week perusing a blog written by a mother of 3, who after staying at home with her children for several years and never felt quite settled (i'm paraphrasing, but only because I feel so familiar with it), tried and got in to her first choice medical school. The blog chronicles her from her interviews and application process through medical school, where she is MS3 (that med student, third year for the rest of y'all). It tells of the ups and downs, and they are extreme in the process, and I consistently feel like "yes! That's me! I CAN do this! And i WANT to do this!!!"

We'll see how I feel tomorrow. Wait, tomorrow is Kids Clinic, I will certainly feel this way tomorrow :)

I've been drawing parallels between reaching black belt in kung fu and becoming a doctor. Black belt is a goal I've held for 9 years. It always felt like, well, when I get a black belt, that will be huge. I'll know all I need to know - I mean, I never thought I would know all I need to know, but you know... that I will be THERE. Once I realized that I would NEVER know all I needed to know, I was much more open to learning all I could. I think in medicine it will be the same way.

It's easy to think that doctors should be at that place, should know everything. I think that attitude destroys a lot of doctors, makes them feel inadequate. Or many doctors feel that they are there and that makes them arrogant and lousy doctors because of their unwillingness to accept what they don't know.

There is a balance to be found. To know that you can never know enough. To allow that knowledge to keep you open to learning everything you want to know. Constant openness to learning, that's part of what makes a good doctor. One that knows she is not THERE, but relishes that instead of punishing herself.

I walk on either side of that line in kung fu a lot, and I'm sure I will with medicine as well.

/pontification

Got my grade back from the first physics exam. Did much better than expected. Stop laughing.

Overheard from my basement:
Papa drops something
Papa: Shit!
Lucy: Don't say shit. That's not nice. I don't say shit. I DON'T! I don't say shit. I don't say crock of shit either.

Where did she ever even HEAR that one?! Grampa?

Today Lucy is 3 and a half.
Today marks 2 months left until my black belt test. TWO!

p.s. Katy and Tiffany, two great ladies, tested for their orange belts last Thursday night. They were awesome. It was amazing to see how they've progressed, both with each their own strengths and weaknesses, from when they began a little over a year ago. Congratulations orangeys! Where have you been? We have yet to see the new belts ;)

Oh no, not again

2007-04-17T18:34:00.000-07:00

Just a short rant. Why does physics suck?

2nd quarter. I studied for the first exam AGAIN. I saw the tutor. I felt pretty comfortable and AGAIN i sat down and didn't even recognize what I was looking at.

This SUCKS! Seriously, I feel like I need to constantly be solving physics problems in all my spare time just to figure anything out. I forget instantly how to solve problems the moment I walk away. It's not good.

I'm feeling sorry for myself. Anyway, hopefully others will have felt the same way and the curve will be huge. You never know....

A funny story -

Yesterday, lucy was freaking out about a teeny tiny spider on the wall in the kitchen.

"Get it mama! Get it!"
(Tired morning mama) "Ok, OK, where is it? I don't know if i can get it."
"Papa gets them easy, get it!"
"OK, hang on."
As i reach for the spider with the paper towel and it's skittering around, she shouts, "Get it mama! It's UNSTOPPABLE!"

I'm still laughing about that one.

Less is More

2007-04-07T19:46:00.000-07:00

So I officially bit off more than I could chew.

I started the 2nd quarter of Organic Chem - I took a quarter of it at a different University about 5 years ago and did well, so i thought, sure, why not, i can totally pick up wherevery they left off. Well, I was tragically misguided - I spent a week trying to fill myself in on 2 quarters of Organic Chemistry at once. It was ridiculous. So I dropped that and entered the 2nd quarter of Physics instead. I was so happy to be doing something I recognized, I realized I was actually enjoying Physics! Ah the irony...

Then there is the MCAT class. I was in that for a week and I was not seeing my family at all. It was miserable. I had kung fu Tues and Thurs nights, and MCAT on Wednesday plus the occasional Monday - that coupled with being away from Lucy most days, I was not getting any good family time. I realized it was too much, I couldn't even keep up with my homework, much less enjoy my family. So I postponed the MCAT class until June, so I can focus on my kung fu training (2 and a half months and counting - but who's counting) and hopefully ace Physics while I'm at it.

That makes my MCAT class an intensive (M, W, F class - 3 hours each, it's completely insane) plus I'll be taking the first quarter of O Chem - so i'll be crazed during the summer, but at least I'll be done with my black belt test. And it's a day class, so I won't be gone from Lucy quite so much.

I ran 4 miles today with my friend Elise and then did all my forms for her on the pier. I don't think i've ever run 4 miles before! I was very proud of myself. Plus, she enjoyed watching my forms so much that she has decided to try kung fu starting on Monday. Hurray! And someone inside a restaurant overlooking the pier ran out to ask me what I was doing and to tell me that she had to try it herself, so I may have just landed us 2 new recruits. Awesome.

Lucy's been sick. I've been completely crazed. She wants only mama when she's sick and we haven't been sleeping very well. I accidentally dropped her this morning and to add injury to insult... i gave her a bloody nose. She was completely miserable with a snotting bloody nose all morning. She seems to be feeling better now, so i have hopes for this evening's sleep...

2 months 2 weeks and 2 days to black belt
4 and a half months to MCAT
and then
ONE GLORIOUS MONTH of vacation

Rollercoaster Ridin'

2007-04-01T21:04:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling as you slowly truck up to the top of the rollercoaster, terrified and thrilled, excited, elated, and a little bit sick just anticipating what is to come.... that's how i'm feeling lately.

There was a belt test at the school Saturday - advanced belts all grunting and sweating to prove themselves to an enormous panel of black belts. It was a great test, inspiring and in the end, emotional. I laughed, I cried...

It was the last test before my test.

Holy shit.

My injuries have kept me from really pushing like i did before previous tests. My martial arts is improving, but I'm definitely not physically THERE yet. I can't really hold a horse stance (thank you hip dysplasia - maybe i should be put out to pasture like a german shephard), I can't do sweeps and I've said goodbye to most high kicks. Lately, I can't even do a roundhouse kick because of the new problem in my other hip.

Surprisingly, all this said, until now, I've been fairly optimistic about my test. Until now, I've been focused on feeling good, retraining my muscles to work correctly - getting out of pain, and for the most part, I'm able to keep my pain in check. Doing what i do now, that is, which is somewhat gingerly practicing the art of kung fu.

I now need to kick up my training a notch. I'm a little afraid I'll hurt myself and not be able to test.

More than a little afraid.

Then, of course, there are the skills.

Oh yes, and finding the TIME to train... how's that again?

I've literally mapped out my next two weeks: each day from Lucy drop-off to Lucy pick-up and then some - It is entirely filled with stuff I have to do - class stuff, MCAT prep class stuff, and kung fu training stuff.

The moment of truth is here. I have it planned out, down to the infinitesimal detail of how much of my homework I need to do each day for each class - now it's time to put it all into action and get ready for the black belt test and then shortly thereafter, the MCAT.

WHEEEEEEEEEEE!

Moments of doubt

2007-03-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

Still with the ups and downs. I mean, I still feel like this is it, but I now have real moments of doubt. Now the doubt isn't about whether or not I can do it, I really feel that I can, but I have momentary lapses into what-if territory.

What would it be like to just move to Italy for a couple years and travel around and discover new people, a new life?
What would it be like to travel around with Lucy and Todd, showing Lu the world and learning together?

What will it be like to be 40 and just starting a practice or career?
What will my family be like with all the time sacrifices I will be making?

If it is so hard to take one or two classes, what will it be like when I have an overfull load? Will i even have ANY time for myself? I have so little now.

Most of all, I know that being a stay-at-home mom is not for me. Not in the long run. I need something to sink my teeth into, something to feel passionate about, something to work on. Becoming a doctor is the peak of that reality. But I feel that if I don't make it, if I don't get in, if my relationship with Lucy suffers and my relationship with Todd falls apart and I have to quit... there are other options out there in the world.

I say that now. But only because I haven't been to the Kids Clinic in a couple weeks. Next Tuesday...

I didn't get to go back to Kung Fu today. I'm exhausted from the trip and the quarter. I was feeling a little something coming on so I stayed home. I also have this mysterious pain in my OTHER hip which is freaking me out. Jesus.

I'll go to the gym tomorrow and hopefully get a kung fu workout in sometime this weekend.

Time to go put the little miss to bed!

Disconnect and Reconnect

2007-03-21T20:34:00.000-07:00

Spring Break!

Lucy and I just returned from a hectic 5-day trip to New Orleans where my small but tight-knit neurotic family goes each year to visit my great aunt Charlotte. I had just finished my first quarter at school and really needed a break. Not that I don't love my family, and of course Lucy, but traveling alone with my 3 year old across country was just not the relaxation I had in mind. But I love to see my family and Lucy was really excited about seeing her grampa, so off we went.

There was an unusual amount of family mishigas, and the schedule was truly hectic - I didn't even get to visit the quarter ONCE while I was there this time, my friends told me that meant I was truly a local. Our very expensive hotel room was another story (we stayed in 5 rooms in 3 nights) - adding to the frenzy that was my week. One thing I did not count on was how much I really needed that quality time with Lucy.

I still get to be with Lucy every afternoon plus half a day a week, but it has been stressful at times during the quarter. When I'm home I think about school and always have schoolwork to do. We go our separate ways during the week, as people do, and on the weekends I struggle to find time to study. It has been wonderful and rewarding and challenging and good for ME, but I do not get that much time with just Lucy and Mama.

I just got back from 5 days of Lucy and Mama. Aside from the transition day - the day after we arrived in New Orleans - Lucy was a delight. I found my patience. We played, made each other laugh, had great conversations and enjoyed each other's company. We got on each other's nerves from time to time, but I have to say, I loved my time with her. I needed that time with her.

I had been dreading the trip. I love to go to New Orleans, I love to spend time with the family, I just knew that I was exhausted and again, I just needed to relax.

But it was worth it.

Many things went wrong on this trip. The hotel, the car, the family. But the most important thing of all went right. It was worth it.

I'm so glad to be home.

I'm fucking tired.

And by the way a 3.6 in Physics. Do you believe that one?!

Next up: Organic Chemistry - the 2nd part in a 3 part series that I took at a different school over 5 years ago. Just a glutton for punishment, i am.

Back to kung fu tomorrow. Hurray!

The good, the bad, and the not so bad

2007-02-23T17:30:00.000-08:00

A recap of the past month...

Health/Body Stuff:
I was prescribed a huge dose of anti-inflammatories for my back problem (the disc issue). I was out of back pain for a couple weeks and happily taking naproxen (aleve) when i got this hideous stomach-ache which turned out to be a bleeding ulcer. yay.

So, now I'm on meds for my ulcer, which is healing nicely, but i'm experiencing a pain hangover in my back. Actually, I'm handling it OK, physical therapy seems to be helping and I had acupuncture today, which helped a lot. I think I can manage it.

My hip is in stasis - i seem to know what to do so as to not aggravate it too much, but I can no longer kick that high on the left. But surprisingly, i'm not that upset about that. I still do some things that bug it, but for the most part, like i said, stasis. I've been able to train with regular intensity lately.

I've signed up for many sessions with my trainer at the gym in preparation for my test, and he is WORKING me! It's great. I feel like my stamina at least, will be ready for black belt. (June 23!!!)

School/Pre-med Stuff:
My first test was quite the eye-opener. Well, I got myself a tutor and he has helped me figure out how to figure out problems. Also, just having more and more and more experience makes me much more comfortable in the language of Physics. After I got the graded on the curve (I got 12 points out of 40) I still managed to land a B or so. My second test went much better and I got 27 points out of 40, which landed me a high B and in the top 10% of the class! I can do this. My next exam will be next Friday and then only finals remain for this first quarter of school.

I start my MCAT review class in a week and that will add much joy and delight to my life.

I absolutely adore working the Kids Clinic. Every week, I drive up there and I am actually looking forward to my time there. I love all the kids and I'm learning what it's like to be a doctor. I love being a fly on the wall and every week I think to myself, Peds! I must do Peds! I almost can't imagine wanting to do anything else, but i'm sure i'll feel that way about more than one rotation. It's so exciting. And it makes me really feel positive about the direction I've chosen.

Now that I'm in it, my indecision is gone. I mean, I know there will be times, moments of doubt, but the longer I spend working towards it, the more confident I am that Medicine is what I'm meant to do. And that I'll be goddamned good at it. I am so relieved to feel that way!

Lucy Stuff:
Little miss Lu is doing great. She pees in the potty and now even at daycare and out in public. She still poops in diapers, but I'm not so concerned over that. All in good time.

She is hilarious and smart and keeps me busy all the time. I love her.

A funny story:
We were taking the bus to school a couple weeks ago, which is kind of an ordeal for us. We have to take the stroller to the bus shelter because it is about 1/2 a mile away and then we have to take 2 buses. But I like to take the bus and I like to not drive.

Included in tuition at UW is a bus pass. They send students a validation sticker each quarter to put on the ID card and that is supposed to let you ride the bus. I had been using my ID card all quarter not realizing that I didn't have the right sticker on it. I did have a sticker which displayed my name and that I was a student Winter quarter, but not the bus validation sticker. I had no idea.

I climb on the bus with Lucy and the stroller and bag of stuff and show the driver my pass. He asks to see it more closely so I hand it to him.

"This is not the right sticker." He helpfully informs me.
"Oh. Well, that is the one I got in the mail. Maybe because it's my first quarter, they send you the big sticker for the front..."
"Ma'am, I'm quite familiar with how these are supposed to look"
(Like I'm trying to scam the bus system for a free ride)
"Oh, well, that's the one they sent me, I don't have another sticker."
"I'm afraid you're going to have to pay bus fare, then."
Irately, "I don't have bus fare!"
"Well, then you're going to have to get off the bus."

I couldn't believe this guy. I was PISSED! I mean, even if i *was* trying to scam the bus system for $1.50 (which i wasn't) who the fuck would kick a student mother and her 3 year old off the bus?!

I grabbed Lucy, called the guy an asshole and dragged her and our stuff off the bus to wait for the next one. I was so pissed.

Lucy yells, "Why are we getting off the bus? I want to ride the bus RIGHT NOW! WHY DID HE TELL US TO GET OFF THE BUS?!"
"Because he's being a shithead," I told her, still within earshot.

We waited 15 minutes for the next bus and by the time it arrived, I had cooled off.

The next bus comes and since we're at the turnaround, the driver gets off the bus for his break. Lucy looks at him and says,
"The other brown one was being a shithead!"

Oh man. That's my girl.

That driver could not believe his ears. He asked me what she said, and so I had to tell him the whole story. He too couldn't believe what a shithead that other driver was being. He told me as long as I hadn't peed in my pants and wasn't completely drunk, I could ride the bus.

In other news, at 3.4 years old, my little lucy is learning to read. Of course she is ;)

Husband Stuff:
He's nice.

He's going through hard times and it's also hard for us to get much time together. The time we do spend together is nice and snuggly, but it's not often and our sleep schedules don't really coincide.

He's a great papa (he's up giving our crazy girl a bath before I put her to bed) and he loves his family.

But he's having a hard time and is going through stuff (and has been really for a couple years now).
We love him.

Other stuff:
Who has time for other stuff?

More wrenches in my machine

2007-01-24T21:00:00.000-08:00

So it turns out i have a fucking labral tear. Just like todd (i think it must be contagious. fucker.)

I seem to have caught it early that it could heal, provided i take real good care of it. Which is going to be really easy now that i have a fucking BLACK BELT TEST coming.

Oh yeah. And a disc problem. Seems that my back issue and hip issue are pretty unrelated and they both FUCKING SUCK ASSES as far as my kung fu training goes.

I'm going to quit harborview, basically so that I have time to do the Physical Therapy, deep tissue massage, acupuncture, and whatever the fuck it takes to care for my hip - so that I don't have to slow down on training and can take my test in 5 months.

Fuck.

Tomorrow: Physics. I'm going to flee when test scores are given.

Discouraged, disheartened, and dismayed

2007-01-23T19:47:00.002-08:00

Well, I took that first test. I studied my ass off. Had a study group on Sunday, studied late into last night, took the morning off from the hospital to study - which i did the whole time, and I finally felt sort of ready.

I went in, not feeling too bad, and we get the test. I look at the first problem. WHAT? OK. Don't panic. Move on to the next problem. WHAT? OK, maybe a little panic sets in. Do as much as I can. Move on. Third problem. WHAAAAAAAA?... OK... I can do this one. Vaguely. Not sure if the numbers pan out, but half an hour is up and only 20 minutes to go. Last problem... WHAT THE FUCK?! I didn't even know where to begin. Turns out I could have easily answered that last problem, but I misread the diagram and thought I didn't have the information which REALLY PISSES ME OFF.

I have never in my life had this experience. I've never tried anything, I mean really tried, and still been unable to do well. This is new and I have to say, extremely discouraging. I mean, what if this one class (well, 2 - 3 quarters of this one class) is the one thing between me and medical school. My grades are good other than this, mostly good anyway, but also I went to an undergraduate institution that didn't offer grades, but instead offered extensive written evaluations. They have nothing to quantify me by but all the postbac work that I am doing and have done and while most of it is (ahem) stellar, this is the SUCK. I definitely flunked this one. I give myself (generously) 30%. It is on a curve, but still...

I guess I need a tutor. This is so pathetic. I am taking ONE class, and I have barely enough time to keep up in it. And now. Shit.

But, good news. I've been given a black belt test date (estimate) of June 16. I can finally start panicking about that! Hurray! I'm really excited about it actually. I did skip class tonight, however, because i am also not feeling well.

WAAAAAAH!

Water water everywhere

2007-01-17T20:01:00.000-08:00

Guess who peed in the potty? Twice!

Yeah, my recent strategy must have paid off. That, or she's goddamned ready to pee in the potty already. She's been wearing underpants around the house for a few weeks - she'll tell me she has to go pee or poop and then make me put a diaper on. Fine. But lately, I've been telling her to take off her pants and undies and sit on the potty and wait until i'm done doing X, Y. or Z and then i'll get the diaper out. I've been dallying.

Tonight, she was watching her Lilo and Stitch and she had to pee, so I pulled my usual delay tactic - sit on the potty until i'm done knitting this row and then i'll get a diaper - she says, "no, i want to pee in the potty" all matter-of-fact-like. She sits down and BAM out comes the pee like she's been doing it all her life.

Then again at bedtime, BAM more pee.

Hurray!

Perhaps tomorrow will be a diaper free day? Dare I dream?

Physics still sucks. I can barely keep up. It's demoralizing.

My first exam is next Tuesday. Stay tuned.

Feeling Better

2007-01-12T21:00:00.000-08:00

Lucy's quote of the evening:
Mommy, you're not a penguin. You have a short nose and hair.

IH8 FZKS (warning, this is a little graphic... i'm sorry)

2007-01-09T21:07:00.000-08:00

Yes, that is going to be my new license plate....

This has been a rough day. Well, a rough week culminating in today being kind of a rough day. It started out with Lucy's huge rage against the daycare. She wailed her little heart out, which incidentally rips my little heart out all the way to school, clinging to me when I tried to leave. L-a, the daycare teacher that was solo first thing this morning, seemed a little preoccupied trying to entertain the seven other children that were already there so it was really hard to disengage lucy from my body. Finally, I had to hail the teacher and plead for her to comfort my child (I must say, I could have used a hug at this point, myself).

Then I hustled off to Harborview where I toil away in a back office on the burn floor. This was a bad weekend for the burn ICU - a 14 year old girl was babysitting her 4 young nieces and nephews, all toddlers/preschoolers, 2 pairs of siblings, when the house went up in flames. I think the aunt got out OK but it went up so fast, one child was lost at the scene and 3 are in the ICU. One most definitely won't make it - renal failure, guts in a bag outside the body cavity, limbs mostly gone, really really sad. The other two children will probably make it, but they are all severely burned.

I didn't go to the ICU, but the nurse I work with had just come back from rounds up there and shared with me the details. I got the feeling she needed to unload - no matter how long you are there, situations like that affect everyone deeply. She also tells me all the medical details, you know, why that baby's guts are outside the body cavity with such a severe burn.

Anyway, back on my floor, the regular burn floor, there were more babies which cried periodically throughout the day. I'm kinda used to that, but still in my state of mind this morning, it didn't help. There was a man on my floor who was moaning in pain ALL DAY LONG. And I mean moaning. "ow ow OOOOW ow ow. OW. ow ow OOOOOOW."

I got done there, grabbed a nasty sandwich on my way out and raced to Physics class where I nearly got knocked down and into traffic by some huge gusts of wind. I ran off to Physics, getting pelted by rain (oh yes, did I mention my tights shrunk in the wash, so i was at half-mast all day long?) and got there in the nick of time. I sat down and for 50 minutes i saw and heard

blah blah blah@#%Q$%@#$%FGKLNVNLKRWJ#$%iopjv writjtrwpoij5 bkmvpowj45 pwijg[pfjb sgjkj43ljt5 43w5 divided by and you can see why the velocity ADKALjt qjeqlknr vlk jponqortjqlk jrklj!@#$#$@%^$^% blah and so forth.

I just don't get it. I get the ideas... I understand what velocity is and acceleration and even free fall (oh man, my teacher's examples are all hilarious too) but the equations, i can't ever figure out which one to use when and WHY. It's dry and frankly I DON'T CARE ABOUT IT AT ALL.

So there.

I'm seriously questioning my plan here. I'm overwhelmed by an intro Physics class and it's all it's my ONLY CLASS! What am I thinking?! This is going to be my life, and it's going to get much much worse and it's going to last for NINE YEARS. WHY AM I DOING THIS??? It's already affecting my relationship with Lucy and that makes me sad. Maybe it's just today, but

When I picked her up from daycare, she was glad to see me, but shortly thereafter, things went south. In the car on the way home, she asked if she could watch a movie later. Yes, I said, after supper. NO. SHE WANTED ONE NOW. SHE WANTED ONE WHEN PAPA GOT HOME NOT AFTER SUPPER and so forth. I later asked her if she wanted to go for hot chocolate, a special treat we do about once a week. Well, that was met with enthusiasm, but she began a new rant about I WANT TO EAT SUPPER AT THE PURPLE TABLE NOT AT THE DINNER TABLE, I told her we were not eating supper in front of the TV, well, this turned into quite a screaming rage, I finally decided I didn't want to spend time with her at a place doing a special treat, I was feeling pretty thin on patience by now, well, that really freaked her out. I circled the block (by the way, i think i deserve some kind of award for NOT yelling at her at all) and said if she could calm down and be friendly with me, we could still do it, but I wasn't about to take her into a public place yelling like that and that I really didn't like to be treated that way. So we went.

We had a little good time, but I was wiped.

We came home whereupon we had another fight (to be fair, I was doing computer stuff - I have no time on my own to catch up on e-mail, do my finances, renew library books, shit like that - and not paying any attention to her for a while). She drew on my desk with a crayon, I flipped out and grabbed it from her after she refused to stop and clean it up.... then i got my very first

I DON'T LIKE YOU!

I almost cried. Not because I really felt she didn't like me, but because I feel like this is my new life now, I have no time, the time I do have I feel exhausted and wiped and pretty soon she will move on to
I hate you

I hope this is just the transition for me.

I am starting to understand some of my homework, maybe i'll get to actually enjoy it at some point.
Maybe lucy will settle in to daycare and our time together will be more joyous.

Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all.

School... here we go...

2007-01-03T11:17:00.000-08:00

So tomorrow is my official first day of classes. It's crazy, I only have one class (Physics with lab, assuming i get in - i'm non-matriculated, so currently on "standby" status...") and I'm going to be insanely busy.

Class every afternoon, harborview Tuesday mornings and the kids clinic on Friday mornings. Lucy's only in daycare 3 days a week right now, so I'm having to patch child care together for now - I have someone on Mondays and then Katy is going to watch her while i'm in class on Thursdays (meaning no naps on Thursdays probably...) I feel a bit stressed.

At the end of the quarter, I'm starting my MCAT class, which will be Wednesday evenings and will go on for 5 months.

I've applied to UW as a postbac (matriculated status) which would be great because then I wouldn't have to stress about standby status, but the chances are pretty slim so fingers crossed...

Lucy is back to hating daycare. We've been on the go pretty constantly for the past month, so I think it's hard for her to get back into the swing. But it certainly adds to my stress level - she screams and cries about it all morning and is clingy and sobbing when we drop her off. Of course, she's fine all day long, which is certainly a step up from the old daycare, but it's still a horrible way to start the mornings.

This morning over breakfast, I asked her, "So, who's your favorite daycare friend?"
Her reply: "I don't like daycare. Are you crazy?!"

*sigh*

I went back to kung fu last night after a much too long break. It was great! I'm so glad to be back, it felt sooooo gooooooood. I have a problem though, and I'm a bit scared about it. I've had this hip problem going on for a couple months. I've been working on it in physical therapy and it is getting better - mostly probably because I haven't been working it for a month or so - but she did a full assessment this morning and suggested that I still have a really big problem, and that I may have a labral tear (SHIT!!!) - that is what Todd had that ultimately forced him to two surgeries and to quit kung fu.

I CAN'T quit kung fu.

She said that she didn't think it was torn, but that it was a possibility - I'm going to see an orthopedist in a few weeks to give it his assessment. She thinks that for now, I just need to work really hard to get the muscles to function properly, if i want to continue with kung fu.

Man. This is NOT a good time to have an injury like that. I was really hoping it would just get better over time. SUCK!

So I'm a bit worried. But I'm doing what i can, physical therapy, orthopod, massage. I'm going to try to get in for acupuncture next week and see if that helps too. Whatever I can do...

It's good to be back. I'm glad to finally get started on school. Here we go!

I so totally rock

2006-11-19T20:47:00.000-08:00

I knitted this

Argh

2006-11-14T20:46:00.000-08:00

I wrote a LOOOOONG post about a week ago and then the internet ate it. Shit.

Anyway, here's the brief update:

I participated in a talk at UW for a graduate level epidemiology class on vaccines. I was on the panel with two other moms who had chosen either to not vaccinate or to partially vaccinate. Also on the panel was a very cool, very knowledgeable pediatrician who sees several kids whose parents choose not to vaccinate, but who herself vaccinated her children. She was so astoundingly educated on all sides of the vaccine debate, it was refreshing to meet a doc who believes people should be allowed to learn and make their own decisions.

I immediately approached her after the talk, introduced myself and asked if I could shadow her. She was very enthusiastic, loves teaching, often has students and gave me her card to call the office and begin. So i did. And I went. I shadowed her for the first time a few days later for a couple hours (Thank you clayton and melissa for babysitting - it was a holiday) and it was FANTASTIC!!! The experience completely reinvigorated me for med school. Huzzah!

Doctor D not only let me follow her around, but encouraged me to talk to patients, listen to chests on stethoscopes, inspect bum rashes and look in mouths and ears. Very exciting. I will be going back Friday and then not again until January (she has another student in there for December). The one day I spent there certainly made me consider peds... but we'll see when I actually get into rotations how much i can take sick kids...

At the hospital, I went on rounds last week and was informed that I will start taking BPs of burn patients who are enrolled in the next study (beginning January) so that will give me some more patient contact there as well. Hurray! But mostly I'm still doing paperwork. It's truly neverending.

Lucy is doing WONDERFULLY at her new daycare (knocking on wood furiously). There have been almost NO tears at all, she has good days and is not at all traumatized. Wow. WTF took me so long to change. Seriously. I love this place. She has already learned to put on her coat by herself (do you remember when you learned to flip a coat upside down over your head? Well, it's the friggin cutest thing ever) and they really do encourage self-sufficiency there. I'm so happy with the place.

We're going on a big vacation next week - first to Florida to see bubbie and nonnie (my mom and grandmother) and then all 5 of us (4 generations of Gilbertsen-Bluestone-Streiker-Peller women plus Todd) are heading over to Miami and off on a cruise! I'm very much looking forward to a nice long vacation. Aaaaahhhh

I'm at a kung fu plateau at the moment. I've been training often and hard and I've really focused on my sparring skills - I know that's what Sifu wants to see me improve and i really really have... a lot... - but everything else has faltered. And now my body is beginning to rebel against all the pressure I'm placing on it. I'm beginning to wonder if i haven't strained my groin, but anyway, my hip is in a lot of pain when I do certain things. It all started when I started PT, which has helped my back, but perhaps since it's no longer compensating for my hips, they are paying dearly. Alas. I'll see a doctor if it doesn't get better with the two week vacation from KF.

I've been training at the gym as well - ran into Master Eddie, my TKD instructor from a couple years back, at the gym. It was great to see him, and he was enthusiastic about my black belt test and promised to come and check it out when it ever gets set up. OY. I'm still waiting to find out and that's really beginning to drive me nuts. I realize that I won't hear until a few months before the test, so probably not until January at least, but still... it's driving me nuts not knowing.

I skipped class yesterday AND today (went to the gym today) but i'm giving my hip a little rest.

Anyway, that's the update. In a nutshell. I'm frantic the rest of the week getting everything ready for the trip, plus I have the hospital tomorrow and Doctor D on Friday.... Did i mention that I've switched Lucy over to Doctor D? We'll be going to see her in a few weeks. I love her.

The Art of Not Being There

2006-10-23T13:55:00.000-07:00

Instead of panicking about what I'm going to be when I grow up, I've decided to Not Make Any Decisions. In doing so, I've made a few stress-relieving decisions.

1. If I go to school at all, I really want to go to med school. It is where my interests and passions lie, so I'm going to have to go for it. I just decided (in not making any decisions) that I will take it easier on myself, which means:

2. I won't take the MCAT until at least August this year. I can still apply for the same year, I just won't be early. That gives me time to actually take Physics before I start cramming for a test that includes Physics. Duh.

3. I will only apply to UW. While it was fun to daydream that I would go to Dartmouth or move to Burlington, I think it was incredibly stressful for me and for Todd to think, well, we might not even be here in (x) years if i get into school and blah blah blah. I want to go to UW. I will do my best to get in here - the program is fantastic and I don't want to leave my home and support system. It is so important to have the support of my community and the Kung Fu community when I do this - as well as the support of my family. Phew. I fell better already.

In deciding to go for UW, the classload I need is significantly reduced. I only need to do the prereq's for one school, which means, well, Physics in the Winter. Physics in the Spring. and then DONE! Totally doable.

4. I will take a real MCAT class. I need the help of an actual teacher. But in the meantime, I'll do as much of my online class as I can (skipping Physics) and thus, I will totally kick the MCAT's ass come August.

Meanwhile, back in Kung Fu.... I taught a couple classes on the Art of Not Being There. I didn't call them that, but after they were over, I realized that was what I was doing. I taught a sparring class on footwork, ways to move out of the way, deception and dancing. Defense without having to be caught in hard-blocks all the time.

It was afterwards that I realized that The Art of Not Being There is also the Art of Not Making Decisions. A whole lot less effort and a whole lot more effective.

Today is my girl's third birthday. For her nap, she laid down for her diaper change, picked out three books which we read in bed, and she nursed to sleep with no fuss at all. The terrible twos over today? Ha ha...

P.S. We got Lucy in to that wonderful daycare. She starts at the beginning of November - a week from Wednesday. Hurray!!!!

Med what?

2006-10-18T10:18:00.000-07:00

So, i'm reconsidering the whole Med school thing.

I'm freaking out! I am just realizing how stressed out I am now and I'm not even in any classes yet. I'm spread too thin. I also realized that Kung Fu is not just "important to me", but it's part of who I am. I've been doing it for nearly 8 years and if I go to medical school, something will have to give and it will be kung fu. I can't be a balanced person without it! No, that's not it, I am not a HAPPY person without it. I go nuts when I don't get to class for a week, i can't imagine missing out on it for 7 years.

So, I'm revisiting the Nurse Practitioner idea. I still get direct patient care. I still get to be a primary provider and depending on the program (i really like UW's program here) I can even be a specialist (they call it a focal area). There is a focal area in Cardiology, which i can do with a Medical Genetics minor - it seems like a really great option. It combines my need for the academic-research side of me with my real desire to help people in their lifestyle. Plus, the more I do it, the more i realize I will probably want to work in a hospital/clinic environment. I can also pursue and include my interests in nutrition and exercise...

The first 5 quarters are intensely full-time, but after that, I can complete the masters portion of the program part-time. It's much more flexible than going to med school.

I still have some prerequisites, but they are different, so I have to decide soon so that I can figure out which class to take.

All I do know is that I want to do something, I want to work in health care, and I don't want to have to work for a doctor - NP's can practice autonomously, PA's cannot.

I'm going crazy trying to figure it all out, but for now, the NP idea, while a compromise from being a DOCTOR, will allow me to have more balance in my life ultimately and during the training (apart from the first 5 quarters).

Hark the herald daycare sings

2006-10-12T13:14:00.000-07:00

We went to visit a new daycare possibility today - oh man, it was GREAT. Todd and Sarv and Lucy and I all went - Lucy played happily in all the rooms and the playground while the grownups talked. It was a bigger place - different rooms for all the age groups - but a similar ratio. 12 kids to 2 teachers in her group's room. We first met the director, a lovely woman who had nothing but great things to say about their philosophy. It's all about emotional development, allowing the kids to do what they do best and not interfering, facilitating communication, and most of all, playing.

(in other words, no pressure or academic "achievement" bullshit)

They don't do time-outs or other punitive actions to get them to do what grownups want them to do and they help the kids make their own decisions

Then Anne, the other director-type, gave us the tour.

It's clean! And spacious. And the caregivers are loving and wonderful.

It's across the street from UW.

It's fantastic.

I swear, while Anne was talking to me, after a while it wasn't words that I was hearing, but a soft hum that turned into glorious music as the angels sung.

There is more and more at her current daycare that bugs me and all those issues are addressed here, and more... it's what I want for Lucy.

I know the transition will be very difficult, they always are, but in the long run it's really going to be worth it. I know it's a good place, I can feel it.

Now we just have to hope that we get in. There is no space right now, but they are doing a little shuffling around so she said there might be space soon. I just need to call her next week to find out. Fingers are very very crossed.

Harborview is great. Yesterday I still did charts, but I'm increasingly grateful that charts is my intro to the burn floor. I see burn victims in the hall, and hear children crying, I'm definitely not quite ready to go on rounds. I'm slowly being introduced to what it's all about by being on the floor and reading charts. Soon I'll be ready for rounds, but not yet.

Tomorrow: more charts, i'm sure.

I work with an extremely irritating territorial premed student who is there ALL THE TIME. I think she must not have a life outside of academia. I think she is increasingly annoyed that I know what I'm doing (it's really not that hard) and that i've only been there for 3 days - she didn't have to hold my hand after the first day.

Anyway, other than that, it's fantastic.

I went to the gym a couple days ago - a session with my trainer, Matt... I'm so fucking sore right now. Yesterday, I could seriously barely walk. But it's good for me, right?

Oy.

There is a big weekend of training coming up - 7 star's 25th anniversary - Koré is coming, as well as several hand-to-hand people and there will be a big gala on Saturday night complete with demos from all around. Should be really fun and I'm almost certain that Sifu and Sifu Michelle will be promoted to 5th degree since Sigung (excuse me, PROFESSOR) just got promoted. to 8th degree. Yay!

First day!

2006-10-04T20:04:00.000-07:00

So I started up at Harborview today. You know how first days usually involve a lot of introductions, tours, and clockwatching? Well, my day was nothing at all like that. I arrived at the Burn Research office and presented myself whereupon I was immediately installed in front of a computer checking patient charts and filling in missing info. It took a little while to figure out what the hell I was doing, but it was pretty interesting, reading through all that material, seeing all the stories, accidents, suicide attempts, arson mishaps, etc., that brought people in to Harborview from all over the four-state area (Alaska, Washington, Idaho, Montana).

The first chart I started reading was a 2-year-old girl. Fortunately, just as my heart nearly leapt out of my chest thinking about a little Lucy getting admitted to the burn unit, that chart got taken away from me and I moved on to some grownups. Much easier to handle at first anyway.

I started to think about the compassion issue. It would be easy to detach oneself from the stories that make the patient a person, to just see them as the injury or illness, but that isn't who I am. Maintaining compassion and a sense of each person is just as important as treating the illness - just as important to that person's overall wellness. Anyway, I had some time while reading charts to pontificate to myself.

A couple hours of that and we went down to a talk - the chief resident at Charity hospital in New Orleans was giving a talk on disaster preparedness. He had amazing stories and accompanying slides from the Katrina disaster. Incredible.

Then back to charts - only this time with archived charts - old school thick paper charts - from 1989.

Then all of a sudden the day was over! I've never had a first day go so quickly. It was exhilarating! It's very cool to work in such a fast-paced environment and with such interesting people. I think I will actually like working in a hospital.

In other news: Lucy peed in the potty last night!

I have given up all hope of trying to do pilates - I'm not sure what I was thinking. I have absolutely no free time whatsoever between volunteering, studying for the MCAT and training in kung fu. I'm falling behind on MCAT studies and I think I will be hard pressed to get the scores I need, but I do have a lot of time so we'll see.

I'm looking at another daycare for Lucy. I'm crazy to change her situation, I know I am, now that she's finally enjoying her daycare, but there are enough things about her daycare that bug me to warrant it. It's dirty and unhygienic, in my opinion, for one thing. Also, there are no older kids there - she will outgrow it by next year anyway. I'm looking at a place in the U district that's bigger, but same ratio. It's supposed to be fantastic. We'll see. They currently have no room anyway, so we'll have to see what all happens with all that.

That's all for now. someone just yelled, "MAMA COME UP!!!"

2006-09-25T20:50:00.000-07:00

I've been going through quite a rigamarole just to get to volunteer at Harborview. First, I had to fill out a huge application which included a criminal background check and 2 letters of reference. About a month later, I got called in for an interview, no problem. Then 3 weeks after that, I had to attend a 2 and a half hour Harborview volunteer orientation at which point we went over my vaccination record and I got a TB scratch test.

The nurse that looked at my records noted that all the dates given for my vaccinations were estimates. Due to the fact that I grew up on a commune in oregon (see http://bluest-one.blogspot.com) and then moved around a lot, I don't have the foggiest idea of my vaccination records' whereabouts. Anyway, she was a tight-ass and grilled me about it. It's at the nurse's discretion whether or not they will accept the estimate or force you to get a titer blood test, and I could see this lady was not letting me off the hook.

"So, even though it was a commune, they didn't feel it was important to track your medical vaccination records?!"

Seriously. Can you believe this woman actually asked me this? I mean, not only was it a fucking COMMUNE in the middle of nowhere, but it's been extinct for 20 years. Seriously.

I told her no, but that i had obtained records before I attended my first college, and that i was certain i'd been vaccinated.

No dice.

So then, she does the scratch test, and because of my "checkered" past (again, seriously, 20 years ago), she wants me to undergo a second TB scratch test just to make sure, because "most encounters with TB occur in group living situations". Did she not understand that 20 years ago was, uh, 20 years ago!!!

So then I had to go in a couple days later to get that checked out and get blood drawn. Then I have to go in again on Wednesday to get the second scratch test and then go in two days after that to get the second test checked. And I haven't even been assigned my position yet!!!

I'm thinking I'll be in the burn research unit (yay, i get to wear salmon scrubs), but I won't know until all this rigamarole is done.

So, I've been busy with that. And realizing that studying for the MCAT before I've even taken any Physics yet (I start in January) is pretty much INSANE. I'm thinking I'll just skip the Physics portions, or blow through them as quickly as I can, and then come back to them after I've done some of the class. Probably not a bad idea.

And still trying to keep the house clean, do the laundry, do the shopping, take care of Lucy. Oh yeah, and get ready for my imminent black belt test. I did decide that it's insane to try to take pilates classes. I'm going to the gym when I can and going to class when I can, but seriously. There is not enough time in the day.

I've "night-weaned" lucy this week - no nursing after bedtime until after the alarm goes off. It's been hard some nights, great some nights, but definitely getting better. But her transitions are always difficult and true to form, she has been a complete and total NIGHTMARE this week (except today - she was delightful for most of today, just 2 or 3 short-lived fits).

I'm usually insanely patient with her, but i LOST it on her last Thursday. She'd been yelling at me about this and that all afternoon and I told her if she kept it up I was going to lose it. She kept it up.

I SCREAMED so loud, i don't even remember what i said. I kind of walked away from her, but there was no mistaking how pissed off I was. There was also a lot of swearing.

When I came back to her, I asked her whether that scared her a little when I yelled. She said yes and I said that I was sorry that she got scared, but the way she felt when I yelled like that was how she has been making me feel by yelling at me all afternoon (I was still pissed)

Then I went to kung fu.

It wasn't my shining moment of motherhood.

But it was reality.

I'm tired, I'm working hard, I feel exhausted, and I haven't even started school yet.

What am I thinking?!

Toils of toilets

2006-09-19T17:50:00.000-07:00

So, i'm getting a little pushy about it, so what... I mean, i've had a very laissez-faire attitude towards potty training thus far, but with her third birthday rapidly approaching and absolutely NO sign of any interest in going pee or poop in the potty, I'm beginning to doubt my non-intrusive potty training methods. Don't get me wrong, she HAS peed in the potty. A handful of times. Starting around a year ago and then completely ceasing altogether. She peed in the potty to much raucous applause about two months ago, and since then not an inkling of interest.

She has cute Hello Kitty underpants that she has worn a handful of times, but she peed in them a couple times (after holding it for quite a long time and never wanting to use the potty) and since then has not even wanted to wear them. She has cute training pants and REALLY doesn't want to use those. I have offered her bribes - 3 stamps in a book for each poop in the potty and 1 stamp for each pee, upon collecting 20 stamps, she will get a roundhouse for her trains. The first time she poops in the potty, she will get a Diesel (one of the Thomas characters). She's super excited about the stuff, all of it, but absolutely does not want to pee or poop in the potty. She has not earned a single stamp.

How can someone who says, "I don't like it when you keep telling me that (about going to the potty) over and over again. It's starting to make me a little bit mad," NOT want to go in the potty. I don't get it.
I asked her, "Does that make you feel too pressured?"
"Yes, I'm not ready to go in the potty!"

Sheesh.

2006-09-15T13:29:00.000-07:00

So I decided to do this MCAT class online and all my class materials arrived yesterday. Holy shit, i have a stack of books a mile high, and this is just REVIEW, people, i mean, seriously.... I'm in for it.

I still haven't had the 3 hours to do the "mcat diagnostic" so i can't even really start yet, but I'm doing it tomorrow afternoon. Todd's taking lucy out in the afternoon and i'm gonna just do it, no matter how ridiculously stupid i feel. So there. Then i can actually start studying. I have just over 6 months to get ready. Might *just* be enough time.

Meanwhile, I'm getting excited to start volunteering at Harborview. I have an orientation on Wednesday afternoon, and after that I'll probably start pretty soon. I also have an application in to volunteer at an abortion clinic, so i might actually do both - 1 day at each place.

I sent out an e-mail to a local listserv - MadronaMoms, for moms in our neighborhood - to ask if anyone was an MD, ND, NP, or PA and a mom and if they would be willing to talk to me about it. I got over 20 responses!! and mostly from MDs. I seriously can't believe how many doctors live in this neighborhood and who are willing to talk to me. I'm meeting with one next week who has mentored people in my situation before, so that should be helpful. I'm also particularly excited to talk to one woman who e-mailed me and is a 2nd year med student with a 1 year old and was very enthusiastic.

I've heard a lot of "you have to really want it" (duh) and "it's hard work, but worth it" type rhetoric (kind of like what people tell you before you have a child) - but this was the first person who actually seemed excited about the PROCESS, which really is just as important to me as the end product. I mean, i'm not going to suffer through 2 years of prereq's, the MCAT, 4 years of med school, 3+ years of residency if i'm not enjoying myself in the meantime, right? Anyway...

So that's where that's at.

Yesterday in advanced class at KF, Laurie taught this esoteric energy class - i got there late, so i had to jump right in, which was certainly difficult... but then... we partnered up. I partnered with Clayton, we were to sit facing each other, about a foot between us and just look at each other. No judging, just taking in each other's energy and not having any thoughts about them or letting our thoughts go. Well, i have to say, i couldn't keep it together. It's like when you're a kid - you go to church (not in my case, but satsang on the commune had a similar effect - http://bluest-one.blogspot.com) and you just can't stop laughing.

I felt so incredibly disrespectful to Laurie, but i couldn't control myself. Finally, I took a deep breath and stared at his shoulders. If I don't look at his face, i told myself, i would be able to not laugh. How hard could it be? So slowly my eyes meandered up to his face, which was also cracking up and I lost it all over again. *sigh* Well, it was good to have a laugh...

Then he partnered with Tristan and I partnered with Dave. Now THEY were laughing and that made me laugh. But more or less, i was able to control myself the second time. Seriously.

Fun class, though. I stayed on for conditioning (i need it!) and regular class, i love having that long class. Once i get going, i feel like i could train all night. I almost stayed on afterwards, but i was hungry.

Lucy had a great week at daycare all week. I don't know what to do with that child. Just when you think you know someone...

I'd better be off - a zillion things to do before she wakes up.

Later... Forgot to mention 2 things
1. Did pilates. It was great. There were things that everyone in that class was doing that I not only could not do, but there was no sign of there ever being a hint of a point in time in the future in which i might be able to do them. But it was good. And my body did feel good. And then I got a massage from Katy, so i felt real good.

2. You have to read my friend's blog from yesterday (9/14). And whenever you think your family is nuts....http://nothingwittyleft.blogspot.com/
Holy. Fucking. shit.

The Calm After the Storm

2006-09-12T10:45:00.000-07:00

So, after yesterday's initial dramatic entry to daycare, Lucy had one of her best days ever there - so I'm told by the daycare owner. She didn't cry at all after I left. Not only that, but daycare Jenny came over for the first time last night to babysit so Todd and i could go to Kung Fu and she had a GREAT time. (Background on this: Jenny has not been there usually on Lucy's days - Leah, the other assistant is always there - one time Jenny was there and she was not forewarned. All hell broke loose and from that day on, Lucy never wanted to see Jenny and would completely melt down when she saw her unexpectedly) Anyway, i think it was good for both of them - Apparently Jenny said to todd that "she is a completely different girl when she's not at daycare".

This kind of makes me swing both ways here - she had a good day at daycare and now likes Jenny. But it is clear that she is a different girl when not at daycare and I wonder what's right for her. I'm keeping her there for this month just to see how it goes, but in the meantime i'm looking for the perfect nanny. It might even just be good to get her daycare days down to two and get a one-on-one or one-on-two share for another day, so it's more even. Just thinking here... In any case, this morning there were but two or three perfunctory and obligatory "i don't want to go to daycare"s, but without any real emotion behind it. And when we got there, she got right into the routine and didn't even notice when we left. PHEW!!

I signed up for an online MCAT class - I was going to to a classroom review class, but the only one that fit the schedule would have eaten up my entire Sunday afternoon, and this way i can do it on my own time, when Lucy's in daycare so i can spend some of my weekend with my family. The class thus far is very annoying - you have to do these long "diagnostic" tests before you start - they have an "increase your score" guarantee and they compare it to the diagnostic test - some guarantee - i haven't reviewed anything and i have to take these ridiculous tests that make me feel like a complete moron since i haven't taken the classes in 5-10 years (if ever - i haven't taken physics yet - i'm pretty much guessing on all those questions)

I'm going to take the 3 hour MCAT diagnostic today *sigh* - I took only the "science" diagnostics, now i have to do more science and all the rest... WTF?! and THEN i can finally start reviewing. Retarded.

Had great KF classes last night - Todd and I went to regular class at SK (our school) - Sifu taught and it was a great class. Fun warmup (LOTS of kicking, man i really need to get my kicks back in order) followed by takedown punch counters. I worked with Todd on the takedowns, which was great, nice to feel like i can take a big guy down.

Then i rushed off to 7 star's Black/Brown class - I am always humbled in that group - we have very few advanced belts, so at this point i'm kind of a big fish at the school - in the 7 star class i'm very junior, i learn a lot from those ladies. We did sticky hands - with joint locks, unbalancing/takedowns, yielding, then we did bunkai on a wun hop form (we did limpo), then we did sticky hands wun hop style, then we did a really fun drill where one partner would kick the other and the other would try to get joint locks, yield or a takedown (slowly, of course). I partnered with Sifu Michelle, who is always great to partner with, very encouraging - which is good for me (i need encouragement!!). Then we did sticky hands incorporating all those other things. FUN!

I really enjoy doing those advanced classes, but I also feel very humbled (no, not humiliated) and not at all ready for black belt. I could wait another year...

Tonight is Sigung's stick class, but Todd is doing a golf tournament with his company, so he probably won't be back in time for either of us to go... That's OK, tomorrow I'm planning on self-training and trying a pilates class.

OK, well, at this point I'm just procrastinating the 15 item list that I have for today and tomorrow... here goes.

One of Those Days

2006-09-11T11:50:00.000-07:00

You know those days, the ones you tend to call "just one of those days", well...

First, Lucy collapsed into sobs upon learning it was a daycare day. Throughout the two hours of getting ready - diapers, getting dressed, my shower, fixing breakfast, more diapers, nursing - there was the constant interjection of "I DON'T WANNA GO TO DAYCARE!" and "can we read some books before we go?" "can we nurse from both boobs before we go?" "I'm just playing with my trains for a few minutes first" "can we I DON'T WANNA GO TO DAYCARE!"

We finally got loaded up into the car and she sobbed the whole way to daycare, wailing "I WANT TO STAY WITH YOU TOAY MAMAAAAA!" When we got into daycare, it was the usual morning dropoff chaos, a boy a little older than lucy was crying for his daddy, and somebody had taken a REALLY stinky poop that was filling the whole house with an unbelievable stench. Lucy added to the chaos her own brand of sadness and it was a complete picture. She seemed ok when i left, though, distracted by talking about Octopuses - she has new octopus shoes she was proud to show off and she told Kathy about the big octopus she saw at the aquarium "yesterday" (the generic word for something that happened before today) and they have eight long arms called tentacles!

So I needed the gym after that. I had packed my bag so i was ready to go - i got down there, found a parking space and went inside. Got down to the lockers, changed, got my iPod ready and then looked for my shoes. SHIT! I forgot my gym shoes. Not only that, but the little scrap of paper that has my workout on it seems to have been lost. I'm lost without it, but I suppose i'll manage somehow.

Well, i needed new shoes anyway, so I decided to go up to the Running Company and get a new pair, forgetting about my freakishly small feet and the impossibility of finding shoes at a store (thank god for zappos.com). I walk in, tell the guy my size and he says, "hmmm.... lets see what we have..." and comes out with 3 boxes! "You found something!" I exclaim, but he pulls out a size 5 and a half and two size 6 pairs... i try them on to humor him, he tries to convince me that i need 3/4 of an inch past my big toe, i thank him and leave.

Another errand, as long as i'm on the hill - we need a new sleeper couch and there's a sleep store up on Pine. I go in and check it out. They have 3 sleeper couches - one that's incredibly hard and uncomfortable as a sleeper and as a sofa and two that are ok as sofas but terrible beds. OY!

0 for 3

I came home.

My first day off and I'm not getting anything done.

Perhaps I'll go for a bike ride or something
And make my MCAT study plan and start studying Physics
And finish washing the sheets, make the beds, clean the kitchen and ...
And find a nanny
and sign up for the AWMAI conference and 7 star weekend

And so forth

And it's already noon!

At least tonight i have regular class and then black/brown class at 7 star.

The Wheel Keeps Turning, Can't Slow Down

2006-09-10T20:28:00.000-07:00

So after a week or so of freaking out about my decisions, I've finally calmed down and am excited about the whole med school prospect again. As I said before, I'm just going one step at a time, can't wait to start volunteering so that I can get some hands on experience and see for myself
A. what's out there aside from being a doctor
and
B. Whether or not working in medicine is really for me.

I daydream about it all day. Down to thoughts of wearing the dorky short white coat that students wear and having my very own stethoscope. *sigh*.

Clayton's going to help me with yet another résumé so i can get another volunteer application in to the abortion clinic.

Meanwhile, I have to figure out something workable for Lucy's care. She's in daycare right now, but after 6 months, she still dreads going, and has long crying jags throughout the day, in addition to the usual crying fits she has when i leave her. It's horrible, as much for me as for her i think. Even though daycare has been closed for 2 weeks, she still wakes up every morning and the first thing she asks is, "is it a daycare day?" and when I say no, she goes on with her day in a jolly way, but tomorrow I dread the question and have to cheerfully say YES and I know she will cry about it and and and....

I just think that she does better in a smaller group or one-on-one, so even though I know she will miss her daycare friends, I think she will be happier overall if we find a nanny instead, at least for some of the time. I will just have to make sure that she gets enough socializing in other ways because she really is social and she really does love her friends. I hate to split her up from Kita, but that is the way of things...

Jennifer, who used to train with us at kung fu might be a workable nanny, but we haven't been able to work out a time for her to come over and meet with us and see how lucy is with her to see if it would work, which in itself is a sketchy thing, just because, well, if she has no time to even meet with us, how will she have time to work for us... but she had doggie problems, so hopefully that will be resolved and all will be well. I've never had to shop for a nanny before, it's kind of a scary prospect. I've been trolling craigslist to no avail so far, but...

Ach.

Tomorrow though, on happier notes, is a daycare day, which for me means going to the gym, taking care of myself and having my first day to myself in what seems like a million years. I had all last weekend to myself, so i don't know what i'm bitching about, but this week was hard with daycare closed and Todd went away for a couple days and lucy was a particular monster this week (well, she had EXTREME ups and downs this week, i should say, she was a wonderful fun angel on Friday, for example...)

I have decided that while I will still be going to the gym, my big fitness focus isn't about strength or even cardio training for the test, i feel i get that from just doing the kung fu, but i think I will do some pilates - i really want to make sure my core is strong, work on my posture and balance and make my back NOT HURT. I really think pilates will help. So maybe i'll try to do that tomorrow...

I tested for my brown belt 6 months ago, so I'm just waiting waiting waiting for the axe to drop and that date for my test to be set....

Also, we have a sitter coming over tomorrow evening (Jenny from daycare - giving her a try, also to get lucy used to her...) so that Todd and I can both go to Kung Fu, which is a RARE occurrence. Should be fun. Then I rush off to the other kung fu school to go to their brown/black class... by the end of tomorrow i'll miss lucy so much i won't want to bring her to kung fu on tuesday :(

Enough for today.

Just getting started

2006-09-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

So, I've decided to blog this current year... I have big changes ahead, some huge goals, some challenges, and hopefully a whole lot of fun.

I am thinking about medical school. Am I completely insane?! I'm 31, i have to take Physics and the MCAT (this spring for the MCAT, Physics all year long), which means that I can apply in the Spring for Fall 2008. I will 33 and my daughter will be almost 5. Which means that I will be finished with medical school and residency when I'm 40. And Lucy is 12 or 13. Oy! Yes, I am certainly crazy.

But I've been rotating around this one for a long time. I know I love science. I know i love learning about the human body and Physiology and its chemistry. And that I would be good at it. Goddammit, I KNOW I would be good at it. I keep trying to talk myself into other things that would be less demanding, or at least less all-at-once-and-for-fucking-ever. Like Nurse Practitioner - it's just NOT the body of knowledge that I want to have. Naturopath - not enough clinical practice. I'd feel unprepared. I thought about research - i NEED to work with people. So... I keep coming back to this.

Did I mention i have a toddler/preschooler at home? Not to mention, a very high-energy little girl who loves her mama and needs her a lot. And I love her and need her, too! I know it will be hard, but I also really know that I need to do something that makes me feel fulfilled, and also to show her that she can do whatever she wants, even if she comes to it late or from a "nontraditional" place. I love her more than I can possibly say and our relationship is so important to me, I am very worried that our relationship will suffer when I'm overloaded with studies or in long rotations where I am missing out on big events in her life. Not to mention my relationship with my (as yet) very supportive Todd. If my relationships suffer too much, I will put it off or change my direction, it is that important to me. But...

And then there is the thing of my martial arts. I am a brown belt in Kajukenbo/Chuan Fa Kung Fu, it has taken me about 8 years to get here and I am very focused on my training. Kung Fu is what gives me the power and energy to get through all the rest of my life right now and I don't know if I could stand to lose it. But I try not to think about that right now, there are 2 years where I will only be in school part-time and will be able to continue my training completely. If I am in med school, I will need the balancing effects of my training to remain sane, but I will certainly not have time for it, especially once i get to residency. But of course, I am thinking far far ahead of myself.

First things first, getting in... Oy again!

I am going to be taking an MCAT class starting in October. Considering I won't have had any Physics until January, that should be quite interesting :/
Then Physics in Spring and Summer, finishing out the year
Biochemistry in Fall and Winter of the next year
I am going to take the MCAT in May and begin the application process, which consists of
Sending in the application to AMCAS for my selected schools and waiting for requests for secondary applications
Sending in secondary applications to the schools that request them, which will include my beautifully crafted letter of intent and letters of reference from Very Important People.
Then I will wait until someone requests an interview. At which point I will go out and buy a suit and get a haircut (and lip and chin wax... tee hee)
I will wow them at the interviews with my stunning wit and thorough knowledge of their academic program.
Then I will wait.
And wait.
And check the mail.
And wait some more.
And hope against hope that I don't get on a waitlist for a school that could call me 2 weeks before school starts to get me AND MY FAMILY to move out of state. (C'mon, you don't think I'd actually get into UW, do you?!)

So, that's the plan.

Meanwhile, though no date for my black belt test has been set, my brown was in March and I expect to be testing for black sometime next Spring. So I am starting big big training now. Right now, I'm going to class as much as I can, teaching a bit, self training once a week, going to the gym once/twice a week, and working on some hardcore stuff with some other advanced belts twice a month. At least that's the plan.

Just got back from PAWMA last weekend, it was awesome as usual. I am awestruck and inspired by the myriad of women who have devoted so much of their lives to martial arts training and to sharing their arts with other women. I love PAWMA. I love spending 3-4 days training 6 hours a day, getting tastes of other arts and meeting other women who are as passionate about sharing their arts as I am. I'm still high from the experience.

Which gets me back to: am i completely insane?! Part of me thinks I should can the whole med school thing, pursue my kung fu training, and someday open my own school. But I get as lit up from learning, from studying, as I do from learning my kung fu. I wish there were 2 of me sometimes.

My current plan is to move forward on the whole med school thing and do what i need to do for that. I am going to be volunteering at Harborview, starting soon, and I will be taking that opportunity to see what it's like to work in a hospital, and to find out if there are other health care possibilities that excite me, or whether I really feel compelled to be doctor, which is what i think now - I know there is a lot of glory that i'm casting over the idea of becoming a doctor, and I want to make sure that is not what is compelling me to do it. Working in the hospital for a while should let me know that, I think.

And I have 2 years to train in kung fu with all that i have.

I am scared. I am excited. But I am scared.