How Much We Owe to All Our Partners

Here's a letter I sent to my Sifu regarding my first Orange belt test as a Sifu and what I learned (which was not at all what I expected).

So my tester did wonderfully - excellent instincts, fantastic spirit, really above and beyond. Todd and 2 other students were there to participate and support, so it ended up being a really great test. My (first) true test as a Sifu came afterwards. Sort of.

So, one of the participants was my childhood friend Sarjan. She was one of my first students, but then she got pregnant and had baby #2 and has had health problems, so hasn't been training in some time. But she came because she wanted to be supportive and possibly get back into the game. It suited her well. Anyway, during sparring, Jenny (the tester) has this instinct to go inside and hook high kicks which works really well with big guys like todd and the other guy, but Sarjan had not been training much or for a long time and Jenny ended up briefly grabbing hold of her leg, Sarjan fell on outstretched hand. She seemed fine, and left a bit early and Jenny finished her test wonderfully. I thought nothing of it -

Until Sarjan called me to tell me she broke her arm. I felt so awful - she is my friend and she came to support me and to support Jenny - and I let her just get out there and spar, and what am I teaching these people anyway... I wrestled with that one all night and then I finally spoke to Sarjan this evening. And while this is kind of a weird case, since Sarjan is my friend and she's new to kung fu - I came to realize that Jenny did great, she didn't do anything wrong. If anything, her instincts were well beyond her level, she was never out of control even when she was clearly very tired and her skills were right there. I played all the mental movies of all the tests I did or participated in, all the injuries that occurred, and this one was no more or less somebody's fault. In kung fu, you can get hurt. I broke my arm in the same humiliating way in a tae kwon do tournament. That shit happens.

My talk with Sarjan was so hard for me - I ended up being very clear that it wasn't my fault or Jenny's fault (when I say childhood friend, i mean the kind that knows you in ways that are old and painful sometimes if you know what I mean - nobody knows me like she does - this was not an easy conversation) - but she was feeling wronged and like there was something preventable in what happened. I was like two people - the friend that feels incredibly sorry that she is in pain and her life will suck for several weeks and feeling like i had something to do with that. And the person who teaches kung fu and has been injured and punched in the face and had my ego pulled out from under me too many times to count - that one knows that shit happens. And we really do learn from it. Every time.

I heard Professor telling me so what if i'm punched in the nose, i don't just get a time out - what if that happens on the street? I heard myself apologizing for breaking Paul's eardrum during his green belt test. I felt myself get enraged at Greg for hitting me so hard in the neck. All of those things played through my mind and I realized they make me the martial artist I am, for better or worse.

I also learned that I need to spend more time teaching my students to fall and what to do when they get under a kick.

I think I just grew a little today :)

Thank you Sifu! I miss you.

Hira