I am not an Impostor

Well, I'm here. I'm finally starting (sort of). I've spent the past week in Orientation with my fellow Yale PA program beginners and am now sufficiently terrified and ready to begin.

If I hear the words "rigorous", "demanding", or "intense" one more time, I think I'll have a heart attack.

But I'm ready to start. Orientation week was filled with information such as how to get around, how to navigate the computers and libraries, and how to use insurance. The final day, yesterday, was a good ending. The first half of the day was our orientation to the gross anatomy lab. Combined with the first year med students, we sat through an incredibly illuminating lecture on the gravity of the gift we were each about to receive (a body) and the depth and breadth of emotion that we might feel. It was incredibly heartfelt and by the end I sincerely felt immense gratitude for the gift. It is called a gift here and we use the word 'donor' instead of 'cadaver' which brings home the idea of the gift and reminds us that it is a gift.

I was nervous and scared, but also excited to meet my donor.

I won't go into details of my donor's features, for privacy's sake, but I did take a good long look at her face before I began to poke and prod. And before I privately named her 'Maude'. I think that's a fitting name.

I have 6 lab partners, but 1 didn't show, so I think I might be down to 5.

The afternoon was spent elsewhere on a challenge course at a local high school. The challenge course is a series of exercises, physical and otherwise, designed to pull a team together and allow that team to get to know the rest of the team members. I had a wonderful time, I did get to know more of the people in my my small class of 36 and am truly excited to begin working with this diverse group. There are many leaders (we did all get into this rigorous, intense, and demanding program), but with strikingly differing backgrounds. There are deeply religious people, political left-wingers, military people, the gamut. I enjoy being with (almost) all of them!

The challenge course was also the first time all week we were allowed out of our "business casual" clothing. Hooray for t-shirts! This also meant the unveiling of my tattoo. I got some comments, but no sneering. You never know.

I'm ready to begin. This week I begin Anatomy (with dissection) lab, Pathology, Microbiology, and Research Methods. I believe next week I'll begin Pharmacology. I'm only slightly panicked, but mostly I'm excited to see if I can do it. In the back of my mind, I am constantly worried that I'll be discovered. I'm an impostor. I shouldn't be here. I'll never be able to complete this.

I have to just keep telling myself, I AM NOT AN IMPOSTOR. I'll get through this. I'm ready.

The Heartbreak of Home

I'm in Seattle for a quick visit. It's my very first real vacation without Lucy, so essentially my first vacation in almost five years. By that, I mean my first vacation from getting up with her in the morning (I slept uninterrupted until 8 am this morning, Pacific time!), taking baths without her asking to come in, using the bathroom without someone pounding on the door, shouting "Are you pooping?!" This last because in our house it's acceptable to enter if someone is merely peeing, but pooping requires privacy, for the adults at least. I don't have to cook dinners, clean up after anyone, make sure nobody's bored, hurt, sick, grumpy, or angry.

It has taken me three days to get used to it. This morning, I got up (at 8), videochatted with my family for the first time ever, took a bath and read my book, and am now sitting down to blog.

While I am certainly glad to be here, it is heartbreaking for me in many ways. We only left here 3 months ago and it still feels like my home, but I don't get to go home to my family at the end of my day, I'm staying in a hotel, a guest. I am going to Kung Fu and am still warmly welcomed as a member of the community, but I am referred to as a "special guest", I am in town all week (tip your waitresses).

Yesterday, I had a mission. Lucy has been into body parts - anatomy and physiology and biology... specifically, circulation. We've been getting books from the library and she likes learning about all the stuff that I'm going to be learning about starting next week. She was very into blood cells and was drawing them constantly when I remembered that I'd seen some toy ones someplace in Seattle. I'd told her about it and in an effort to ease the pain of me being gone so long, I told her I'd get her one during my trip. This mission served as a way to explore the city as a visitor and gave me something to do.

First, I took a bus to UW bookstore, which is where I initially saw the plush RBC. It is one of the 'giant microbe' line that is mostly made up of various plush anthropomorphized germs. I dug through their entire selection and they had no blood cells, red or otherwise.

I looked online and saw that someone had picked up a giant microbe from Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe on the waterfront. I called them and asked if they had any RBCs, and was told that yes, they had 4 in stock. The next day, I hoofed all the way downtown, through Pike Place Market, down under, to the waterfront, past the Aquarium... and on to the Shoppe. All along the way, I was filled with a sense of mournful loss - I used to bus with Lucy here, I took her here for doughnuts, we spent many gloom-filled days at the aquarium...

Finally, I arrived at the Shoppe. I looked through their entire selection of large fuzzy microbes. No RBC's. They did have a WBC, but that's not what she wanted. I picked one up anyway. I went to a very grumpy old lady who was restocking things and told her that I'd called and was looking for an RBC from their giant microbe selection and was told that they had some in stock.

"Nobody told me!"
"Well, do you have any in stock?"
"Sigh. You want a red one? You didn't see any red ones?"
"Not a red 'one'. A Red Blood Cell."
"You looked?"
"Yes."
Pause. Stare.
"You want me to go look in the back?!"
Pause.
"Yes, that would be nice. I'd really appreciate it."
"There are lots of red ones here."
Pause.
Stare.
"I need a RED BLOOD CELL."

Another man comes out, seemingly the one who told me they had it in stock. He was apologetic, but equally perplexed as to why I need a particular one.

I tried to explain, holding up the White Blood cell I'd found. "You have the white blood cell, but I want the red one."
"You know, they don't usually come in different colors."
At this point, I found it really difficult to have compassion for them.

After gently explaining the difference between White and Red Blood cells and that they are actually different entities, the grumpy lady comes down carrying an enormous box full of plush germs. No RBC's.
Three separate times, she held out a WBC and said, "You want this one?"

The man in charge apologized for my trip.
"You have no idea how far I've come," I told him.
He must have felt guilty because he then called the distributor and came back with a list of all the retailers in Seattle that had the giant microbes.
I heartily thanked him and then went outside to phone.

I called them all, and none had the RBC.
Finally I called the UW bookstore, on the off chance they'd had a delivery or had a big backstock. I was on hold for 20 minutes, but an RBC was located in backstock! They held it for me and I went up and got it, walking far in the rain, taking 2 buses...

All the while, Lucy's school - I was actually too forlorn to go in and say hello to her teachers. Maybe later.
The parking lot attendant at the bookstore asked me, "Where's the baby?"
He is a lovely man, I've had many conversations with him - Lucy in the backseat, anxious to go home at the end of her day. He is divorced and has a little girl Lucy's age, he is from Northern Africa and is going back to school part time.

I miss that Lucy.

This morning, I hooked up the iChat, and videochatted with Todd and Lu. I showed her the RBC (his name is Airbubble). And then the WBC. She loves them and can't wait to have them. She shouted, "That white blood cell looks hungry! He needs some germs!"

I guess that will require another trip to the bookstore.

I feel sad that I am a guest here. Sad for all the reminders of the daily life I had here which are gone in a flash. Sad that I feel so comfortable here, navigating the buses, walking the streets because this is my home, but it isn't any more. (Compare trash all over the coastline and thrown carelessly from cars with the new law that there will be no foam or plastic at restaurants in Seattle any more *sigh*. UW has already gone 100% compostable)

But i'm thrilled to spend time with Clayton. I got to meet his new paramour, who is a lovely, beautiful, vivacious, intelligent woman (my assessment of the short time I spent with her over dinner last night). I'm excited to see Elise today. I'm glad to be training in the Fu with my Fu family and it is wonderful to still be in my room at 11 am after relaxing and sleeping in and taking baths and reading and....

I will be so glad to get home. Home. My new home. The place where my family is.