Still with the ups and downs. I mean, I still feel like this is it, but I now have real moments of doubt. Now the doubt isn't about whether or not I can do it, I really feel that I can, but I have momentary lapses into what-if territory.
What would it be like to just move to Italy for a couple years and travel around and discover new people, a new life?
What would it be like to travel around with Lucy and Todd, showing Lu the world and learning together?
What will it be like to be 40 and just starting a practice or career?
What will my family be like with all the time sacrifices I will be making?
If it is so hard to take one or two classes, what will it be like when I have an overfull load? Will i even have ANY time for myself? I have so little now.
Most of all, I know that being a stay-at-home mom is not for me. Not in the long run. I need something to sink my teeth into, something to feel passionate about, something to work on. Becoming a doctor is the peak of that reality. But I feel that if I don't make it, if I don't get in, if my relationship with Lucy suffers and my relationship with Todd falls apart and I have to quit... there are other options out there in the world.
I say that now. But only because I haven't been to the Kids Clinic in a couple weeks. Next Tuesday...
I didn't get to go back to Kung Fu today. I'm exhausted from the trip and the quarter. I was feeling a little something coming on so I stayed home. I also have this mysterious pain in my OTHER hip which is freaking me out. Jesus.
I'll go to the gym tomorrow and hopefully get a kung fu workout in sometime this weekend.
Time to go put the little miss to bed!
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Disconnect and Reconnect
Spring Break!
Lucy and I just returned from a hectic 5-day trip to New Orleans where my small but tight-knit neurotic family goes each year to visit my great aunt Charlotte. I had just finished my first quarter at school and really needed a break. Not that I don't love my family, and of course Lucy, but traveling alone with my 3 year old across country was just not the relaxation I had in mind. But I love to see my family and Lucy was really excited about seeing her grampa, so off we went.
There was an unusual amount of family mishigas, and the schedule was truly hectic - I didn't even get to visit the quarter ONCE while I was there this time, my friends told me that meant I was truly a local. Our very expensive hotel room was another story (we stayed in 5 rooms in 3 nights) - adding to the frenzy that was my week. One thing I did not count on was how much I really needed that quality time with Lucy.
I still get to be with Lucy every afternoon plus half a day a week, but it has been stressful at times during the quarter. When I'm home I think about school and always have schoolwork to do. We go our separate ways during the week, as people do, and on the weekends I struggle to find time to study. It has been wonderful and rewarding and challenging and good for ME, but I do not get that much time with just Lucy and Mama.
I just got back from 5 days of Lucy and Mama. Aside from the transition day - the day after we arrived in New Orleans - Lucy was a delight. I found my patience. We played, made each other laugh, had great conversations and enjoyed each other's company. We got on each other's nerves from time to time, but I have to say, I loved my time with her. I needed that time with her.
I had been dreading the trip. I love to go to New Orleans, I love to spend time with the family, I just knew that I was exhausted and again, I just needed to relax.
But it was worth it.
Many things went wrong on this trip. The hotel, the car, the family. But the most important thing of all went right. It was worth it.
I'm so glad to be home.
I'm fucking tired.
And by the way a 3.6 in Physics. Do you believe that one?!
Next up: Organic Chemistry - the 2nd part in a 3 part series that I took at a different school over 5 years ago. Just a glutton for punishment, i am.
Back to kung fu tomorrow. Hurray!
Lucy and I just returned from a hectic 5-day trip to New Orleans where my small but tight-knit neurotic family goes each year to visit my great aunt Charlotte. I had just finished my first quarter at school and really needed a break. Not that I don't love my family, and of course Lucy, but traveling alone with my 3 year old across country was just not the relaxation I had in mind. But I love to see my family and Lucy was really excited about seeing her grampa, so off we went.
There was an unusual amount of family mishigas, and the schedule was truly hectic - I didn't even get to visit the quarter ONCE while I was there this time, my friends told me that meant I was truly a local. Our very expensive hotel room was another story (we stayed in 5 rooms in 3 nights) - adding to the frenzy that was my week. One thing I did not count on was how much I really needed that quality time with Lucy.
I still get to be with Lucy every afternoon plus half a day a week, but it has been stressful at times during the quarter. When I'm home I think about school and always have schoolwork to do. We go our separate ways during the week, as people do, and on the weekends I struggle to find time to study. It has been wonderful and rewarding and challenging and good for ME, but I do not get that much time with just Lucy and Mama.
I just got back from 5 days of Lucy and Mama. Aside from the transition day - the day after we arrived in New Orleans - Lucy was a delight. I found my patience. We played, made each other laugh, had great conversations and enjoyed each other's company. We got on each other's nerves from time to time, but I have to say, I loved my time with her. I needed that time with her.
I had been dreading the trip. I love to go to New Orleans, I love to spend time with the family, I just knew that I was exhausted and again, I just needed to relax.
But it was worth it.
Many things went wrong on this trip. The hotel, the car, the family. But the most important thing of all went right. It was worth it.
I'm so glad to be home.
I'm fucking tired.
And by the way a 3.6 in Physics. Do you believe that one?!
Next up: Organic Chemistry - the 2nd part in a 3 part series that I took at a different school over 5 years ago. Just a glutton for punishment, i am.
Back to kung fu tomorrow. Hurray!
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