Moments of doubt

Still with the ups and downs. I mean, I still feel like this is it, but I now have real moments of doubt. Now the doubt isn't about whether or not I can do it, I really feel that I can, but I have momentary lapses into what-if territory.

What would it be like to just move to Italy for a couple years and travel around and discover new people, a new life?
What would it be like to travel around with Lucy and Todd, showing Lu the world and learning together?

What will it be like to be 40 and just starting a practice or career?
What will my family be like with all the time sacrifices I will be making?

If it is so hard to take one or two classes, what will it be like when I have an overfull load? Will i even have ANY time for myself? I have so little now.

Most of all, I know that being a stay-at-home mom is not for me. Not in the long run. I need something to sink my teeth into, something to feel passionate about, something to work on. Becoming a doctor is the peak of that reality. But I feel that if I don't make it, if I don't get in, if my relationship with Lucy suffers and my relationship with Todd falls apart and I have to quit... there are other options out there in the world.

I say that now. But only because I haven't been to the Kids Clinic in a couple weeks. Next Tuesday...

I didn't get to go back to Kung Fu today. I'm exhausted from the trip and the quarter. I was feeling a little something coming on so I stayed home. I also have this mysterious pain in my OTHER hip which is freaking me out. Jesus.

I'll go to the gym tomorrow and hopefully get a kung fu workout in sometime this weekend.

Time to go put the little miss to bed!