Well, just a quick how-do-you-do while i take a break from Microbiology studies.
I didn't fare that well on my exam last week. I passed, but I expected to do much better and I was really quite thrown by it. I know a lot of it is because I hastily sped through and probably missed a couple just for going too quickly. But i can't blame it all on that. I was particularly down because all my friends to whom I'd explained the immune system and its workings, did much better than i did. It was a blow.
So I went home, downtrodden, but realizing I just need to study more. 4 hours a day isn't enough. And my time needs to be spent in a more organized way...
I arrived home... Lucy had been treating me poorly for a few days and we were butting heads. At one point in the evening, she suggested I go back to Seattle for another "alone" vacation so that she would be home with just daddy. She didn't say this to hurt my feelings, though at some level she knew it would. She said it because she saw how happy I was when I returned from my trip to Seattle and how good it was for me. But there was some of the other in there too.
She'd been throwing fits all over the place - sometimes like she used to when she was little. That night, after the vacation comment, she got mad at me when I told Papa about it. I sat her on my lap and told her I wasn't mad. She was visibly hurt and confused. I told her it seemed like she was pretty mad at me lately and asked her if that was true. She nodded. I asked her if she was just mad because she didn't get to spend very much time with me any more. She nodded again. I told her that I really didn't like it either, but that I was doing something very important for me. I also told her that when I do get to spend time with her, it's very special for me and I look forward to it every day. We had a nice snuggle and I put her to bed.
I feel so torn. I know I need to work harder to stay afloat in this program. I know I want to do it and honestly, I love every minute of what I'm doing. I just don't have enough time. I want to be a part, not a part, I want to be IN Lucy's life. I don't like that I'm not the one picking her up and dropping her off. I'm not the one taking her to the doctor. Not the one who gets to spend the fun vacation day with her. I have one day a week that is only about Lucy. No school. One day. It's wonderful, that day, but it's not enough.
I have dinner with her each night. And am with her until bedtime. I know we will survive this and we will be fine. It's just a really hard adjustment.
And that was the day last Thursday - simultaneously realizing that I need to spend more time studying and that my daughter is beginning to hate me because I'm not around.
That sounded bleaker than it really is. But that is how it felt that day.
I checked my phone right before going to bed that night and there was a text from one of my school friends: Enjoy your drink tonight, you deserve it. Thanks for all your help with Path.
It was exactly what I needed, just the brief thoughtfulness of a friend. I went to bed crying that night. I'm sure it won't be the last time...
However - this week I am renewed. I have a new method of studying - we'll see if it works. I'm trying to study only the material for the next 2 weeks tests on M, T, and W. Test is Th, and on Th, F and Sun I'll catch up on all the maintenance studying. We'll see how it works. Anatomy (gasp) exam on Thursday this week - lab practical and written. Oy.
On the bright side, I have NINE people on my kung fu roster. Hooray!!
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3 comments:
I know you knew this was going to be hard, but I also know that dealing with the reality of the suckiness is a lot different than anticipating it.
However, I just wanted to say that you will get through this. You have a very strongly bonded and loving little family and you will find a way to deal with this together.
Also, please don't lose sight of the fact that for as painful as this is now for both you and Lucy, consider the kind of role model she has in you. She may be a little too young to understand this right now, but she won't be forever. You are teaching her that it really is possible to be everything you want to be.
Without being in the army. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)
Lastly, I love you and am gushing with pride and admiration for you.
Hira, I've never been in a position such as the one you are undertaking, but I do believe one day I will be...
The only offering I have presently is this: know that the quality of time you spend with Lucy is far more valuable than the quantity. The devotion you show her, however limited, when you are able to be with her fully, is worth far more than days-on-end spent being only 'kind of' there for her.
By way of example - something she can't maybe articular or fully appreciate yet, but she 'gets it' nonetheless - you're showing her that life is full of choices, and that it is never possible to choose one path without affecting another. Yet even amongst these choices, we can treat each moment as precious, give to it our full presence and attention, knowing that we have lived each day to the fullest, offered the greatest gifts we were able. In honoring our personal truth, we allow others to learn that our capacity to love and live is far greater than we ever imagined.
You're living a life of both-and, not either-or: devoting yourself to your own path in life when it is time to do that AND devoting your love and heart to your family when it is time to do that.
It is a wonder to behold.
You're a constant inspiration to me, my friend.
Your ability to pursue (and succeed at) all of these beautiful things paired with your deep honesty about the painful tensions that ensue, well, it's truly amazing.
West and Tiffany are right: Lucy is soaking up what it means to pursue happiness, watching you seek (and find) balance and joy along the way. You're setting an extraordinary example.
A rock and a hard place, indeed -- but tucked in between those, you find quiet moments to breathe and revel and hug your family tight.
Keep on keepin' on.
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