Humpty Dumpty Revisited

I have been feeling out of sorts lately. Not just a little, but real curl-up-in-a-ball-question-the-world-we-live-in-and-my-place-in-it out of sorts. Not only that, but I've discovered a nasty monster that lives inside me over which i have little control. I have been completely out of step with and disconnected from Lucy for many days, and the days were turning into something longer and I was beginning to feel disconnected from me and my friends and my life and my self.

My disconnect manifest itself in a fuse much shorter than is normal for me, and when the fuse came to its explosive demise, the monster emerged and I would say things to my child I didn't expect and be angry in ways I didn't understand. It was like I was standing outside my body until it was over. (Before anyone goes calling CPS, I just mean that I would yell at her at slight provocation - she tested me more than usual and I yelled - there was no hitting or abuse of any kind) It was just not ME in there and I was beginning to wonder if I would return or if for some reason I was sliding into a new me, one i didn't like too much.

I started school this morning and in an attempt to reconnect, I promised to pick Lucy up from school early and take her shoe shopping - she'd just outgrown 2 pairs of shoes this week. Then we were going to go Halloween decoration shopping. We arrived at Northgate mall, a place I've frequented probably twice in my life, but I figured it was an easy Nordstrom to get shoes and it was near the halloween store. As we drove through the parking lot, a couple was crossing into the mall. There was no crosswalk. They were not yet in the road (no, i did not nearly run them down). They flipped me off for not stopping to allow them to jaywalk.

I flipped back
(did i mention I was out of sorts?)

I took Lucy in for shoes
"mama, what did you do?"
"A rude gesture."
"What's a rude gesture?"
"It's like when you are angry and you feel like saying something mean without using words, it was maybe not the best way to express myself."
"oh."

It took for-fucking-ever for us to agree on shoes. She wanted pink sequin slippers. I wanted black vans with cherries. She wanted silver and pink (ugly!) mary janes, I showed her black ones. We FINALLY agreed on some bronze mary janes. I just wanted to get out of there. I carried her and our shoes out to the car.

Those fuckers keyed my car! And not just a little key scratch either. Nope, my mini was gouged all the way around. From rear bumper down the passenger side, across the hood and back again. As you might imagine, I was FURIOUS! That is an understatement. I felt so simultaneously outraged and impotent, I actually wished for very bad things to happen to these people. I'm not the kind of person who does that. I mean, I'm not superstitious, but I don't like to tempt fate, if you know what I mean. I sobbed in fury.

When I finally got hold of myself, I went back inside and to the security surveillance camera area. We spent a good half hour in there looking at footage and we were able to see the couple go to an entrance, meet up with two other people and then split off. The man of the couple went with another guy up and down aisles looking for my car. I'm sure they would not have bothered had I been driving a blue Honda sedan or Ford Taurus. But no, I have to drive a mini Cooper with checkers on the roof. Not hard to find.

They hid, made sure noone was looking and then walked all the way around it and hustled off.

And no, the camera does not zoom in, we could not see any faces, and we did not see where they went. It was all pretty low-tech. But it gave me time to calm down and people with whom to commiserate. Lucy and I grabbed a snack and drink in the food court, snuggled, and made our way back to my poor marred car.

On the way home, Lucy asked why they keyed my car.
"Well, sometimes when you say or do something mean to someone, they only feel mad and want to do or say something mean back to you. They did a mean thing. So I did a mean thing back. So then they did a really mean thing back. When someone does something mean to you like that, you have two choices. You can do something that's mean back to them or you can let it go and end it. I should have let it go and so that's what I'm going to do now." (feeling very proud of my little speach)
"Well, I think you should just run them over!"

?!

At least I got a good laugh over that one.

Then we talked about it some more and she had another solution. When I told her again that I was going to let it go, she said, "You could have said, 'I don't like it when you key my car, so can you please not do that any more?'"

Eureka!

As part of letting it go, we went to the park and then out to dinner. After sharing my tale of woe with friends and family, playing at the park and enjoying a delicious glass of wine with dinner, I was feeling much better. I sank back into myself and had a wonderful evening with Lucy. I didn't feel all tight and pinched inside and she didn't mess with me. All I needed was to be on the receiving end of a little spiteful vandalism to put it all back into place.

And it didn't hurt that Lucy pooped in the toilet at St. Clouds!

And that papa returned from four long days away.

The mundane housekeeping:
School started today.
Statistics seems as though it will be as boring as expected. The prof spent a good half the class time futzing with the computer and not getting it to work and then the second half holding our hands through a very short scientific article. Oh yes, and he has a terrible stutter... I have compassion for the man, but at 8:30 in the morning, I just need a little ZAP in my day....
Microbiology will probably be very much fun. My first lab is tomorrow and i think i get to swab things and make cultures. Huzzah!
No word from any other schools yet...