Well, I did it. It was fawkin' hard. And in totally different ways than I expected.
First of all, I was tremendously nervous, and I've never been very nervous for one of my tests before, but this was the big one. I had been training like crazy for several months, working like a dog to get in awesome shape, and diligently training my injuries away. I had absolutely no time to myself between family, school, and training. It was all about this, and I truly didn't even realize it until after it was over.
She started me with forms, which was good, that was definitely one of the better parts of the test. Then punch counters (set responses to one or two punches to the face) - which is where it started to fall apart for me. I just wasn't feeling right, I wasn't hitting the targets just right and often not blocking. I just didn't feel like i was in my body, so it was almost like it had a split-second delay before I could respond.
Then there was street (more practical free-form street fighting against any one technique). Again, I was still not in my body and there was a delay. Professor (my Sifu's teacher - an honor to have her on my board)'s response to this was to have me spin around in circles around the perimeter of the room and then respond to an attack. Better. But I was losing faith in my ability to do this test.
Then sticky hands (close in technique where you focus on unbalancing and striking a partner while staying stuck together, touching). I spent about 5 minutes doing sticky hands with one of the black belts and that was when professor Bones got up and decided to do sticky hands with me. For about 10 minutes - whack to my face, slap! slap! punch to the gut. ow. I almost lost it - ran to get water and breathe, came back to everyone gearing up with sparring gear.
I had to spar everyone in the school one by one - the last person was a black belt and i was to demonstrate jamming. I made some crack about jamming using my face, which i then promptly did and got a forearm smash to the nose. Got up to continue fighting, realized I was dizzy and saw stars and then laid down with ice on my face. I was overwhelmed. It was not good.
But after about 10 minutes of sobbing in the bathroom and feeling like a fraud and knowing everyone was waiting for me, I went back out and went on with the test. Two-on-one sparring and then that part was over. After that, there was some teaching stuff where I had to demonstrate my teaching skills and then at the end, more forms while I answered questions about the art and my feelings about it. Then 10-15 minutes of horse stance answering more questions and that was that. It was over.
That was how it looked from the inside. All that build up and each minor thing that went wrong was like a huge disappointment to me. It was all out of proportion and my emotions got the best of me at times. But each time I came back. Each time I was able to fight and was able to do everything that was asked of me. Each time I showed my spirit.
And I got my black belt. People swarmed me with hugs and congratulations and words of admiration and adulation and said I inspired them and all I could hear was the hum of my brain and feel like I wanted to cry and laugh and throw up.
I did it. I am a first degree black belt in kajukenbo. I am still filled with emotion as I write it.
In other news, I have decided to postpone my application to med school by a year. I am insanely trying to "review" for classes I still need to take while also taking those classes. I've finally realized that it's ridiculous and that if I wait one year, I will have actually completed the necessary material, and actually stand a chance of doing well.
With that decision, I feel slight disappointment that I can't get it all done and get the ball rolling, but I feel a huge relief that I have time to learn what I need to learn and that I can now take some time for myself, since I also won't be training every free moment.
My life is about to change.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
The Moment of Truth
Well, ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow is the day. I'm freaked out, excited, freaked out, nervous, ready, freaked out, impatient, freaked out, and oh yes, a little freaked out.
I'm in the best shape of my life, but my hips are really tight and injured. My back is almost 100% better. I'm exhausted and have not been sleeping very well in my freaked-outedness. I'm thrilled by how many people have said they're planning to come and feel tremendously supported. I'm thrilled my mom is here, my dad sent flowers, and all my ducks are in a row. This is seriously going to be the most difficult thing I've ever done. Seriously.
I'm a bit freaked out.
In other news, I started my MCAT class and Organic Chemistry this week. I absolutely love Organic Chemistry. Finally, something that makes sense to me, something I can sink my teeth into. On the other hand, I feel completely out of my league in preparing for the MCAT. For one thing, there are several things I haven't even learned yet. The Organic (1 - 2 quarters to go) Inorganic (1 more quarter) and the Physics (1 more quarter). I thought I'd pick it up as I go, but those things are CRAZY. And the other thing is biology, which is in my distant past and has changed tremendously since I took it.
With all that in mind, I'm seriously considering putting off my application for another year, so I can actually be prepared for the MCAT (you know, like after I've actually taken all the classes covered). Oy. I really want to be done with this pre-med stuff and apply for the real deal. But at the same time, I'm really treading water in the MCAT prep and I feel totally unprepared at times. This is a quandary.
But for now, I have other things to focus on.
Oh yes, there was an annoying drama involving Lucy's best friend and child care for the test. Suffice it to say that it involved a severe lack of consideration for the fact that I'm testing for my black belt tomorrow. In any case, I'm getting over it.
Today is my fabulous dear friend Clayton's birthday. I picked Lucy up from preschool early and we went to the Chocolate factory for a tour (and so that I could get Sifu a bunch of chocolate as an offering) where we all overdosed on chocolate. Came home, took a nap (ha ha) and went to get gifts for all members of the board. Todd's making a nice carbalicious supper, and I plan to go to bed early (ha ha).
Wish me luck. The next time I write, I will have completed one of the two goals outlined at the outset of this blog. Black belt. Check? Med school, next!
Funny Lucy quote of the day:
In the chocolate, upon being told that she was only allowed one more piece of chocolate (by me):
"One piece doesn't suit me!"
I'm in the best shape of my life, but my hips are really tight and injured. My back is almost 100% better. I'm exhausted and have not been sleeping very well in my freaked-outedness. I'm thrilled by how many people have said they're planning to come and feel tremendously supported. I'm thrilled my mom is here, my dad sent flowers, and all my ducks are in a row. This is seriously going to be the most difficult thing I've ever done. Seriously.
I'm a bit freaked out.
In other news, I started my MCAT class and Organic Chemistry this week. I absolutely love Organic Chemistry. Finally, something that makes sense to me, something I can sink my teeth into. On the other hand, I feel completely out of my league in preparing for the MCAT. For one thing, there are several things I haven't even learned yet. The Organic (1 - 2 quarters to go) Inorganic (1 more quarter) and the Physics (1 more quarter). I thought I'd pick it up as I go, but those things are CRAZY. And the other thing is biology, which is in my distant past and has changed tremendously since I took it.
With all that in mind, I'm seriously considering putting off my application for another year, so I can actually be prepared for the MCAT (you know, like after I've actually taken all the classes covered). Oy. I really want to be done with this pre-med stuff and apply for the real deal. But at the same time, I'm really treading water in the MCAT prep and I feel totally unprepared at times. This is a quandary.
But for now, I have other things to focus on.
Oh yes, there was an annoying drama involving Lucy's best friend and child care for the test. Suffice it to say that it involved a severe lack of consideration for the fact that I'm testing for my black belt tomorrow. In any case, I'm getting over it.
Today is my fabulous dear friend Clayton's birthday. I picked Lucy up from preschool early and we went to the Chocolate factory for a tour (and so that I could get Sifu a bunch of chocolate as an offering) where we all overdosed on chocolate. Came home, took a nap (ha ha) and went to get gifts for all members of the board. Todd's making a nice carbalicious supper, and I plan to go to bed early (ha ha).
Wish me luck. The next time I write, I will have completed one of the two goals outlined at the outset of this blog. Black belt. Check? Med school, next!
Funny Lucy quote of the day:
In the chocolate, upon being told that she was only allowed one more piece of chocolate (by me):
"One piece doesn't suit me!"
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Creeping up
Well, it's officially the one week countdown. Thus far, I've been relatively blasé about the test, i mean, not exactly, but I've been doing what i need to do and sort of even looking forward to it, inviting friends etc. Well, folks, it's officially time to PAAAAAANIC!!!!!
I mean seriously. I was sitting and talking with a friend yesterday and she asked me what is different about getting a black belt than getting any other rank. As I explained it to her, a fear grew in my belly that I would actually have to demonstrate some of these things.
When I was about to test for my brown belt, about two weeks before the test, I got an e-mail from Sifu saying that she was having doubts that I should test so early (it was quite close to my green belt test). She had some concerns about my fighting skills. I had a conversation with her later that day (after weeping like a little girl and then growing rapidly pissed off) and she gave me the option to test or to postpone. She was worried that it would not be a good test for me and that there would be a lot asked of me as far as my advanced fighting skills.
I decided to test, and after much getting over of the hurt feelings, I decided to totally kick its ass. I did it too. And it was a hard test. I can't tell you how many people came up to me afterwards, flabbergasted by the level of intensity demanded of me at that test. I think Sifu knew that she lit a fire under my ass and she wanted me to show it. I did. And then I knew that my black belt test was going to be a killer. I put that in the back of my mind.
I was explaning to my friend (and now to those of you who aren't in kung fu with me) about the difference between getting my black belt and reaching brown. First, there is no new material between brown and black, it's all about mastering material you already know. I thought I'd get bored with that, but I really didn't. I reached a couple plateaus, especially in my fighting skills, but I grew a lot this year. A lot.
I will be expected to show not just a knowledge of the material, which all previous ranks focus on, but now to allow the art to express itself through me, and to express it the way that I've taken it in. I will be faced with extremely difficult situations unfamiliar to me and asked to draw on all my skills without losing sight of the whole art by focusing on the difficulties or techniques. I have to do what I know. I need to show what I have.
I know I have a lot. But I also know that there is a LOT that i'm uncomfortable with. Throw me under a pile of people and ask me to get out from their grabs and chokes and I will do it. It might take a while, but I will do it. Hand them some knives and sticks and I tend to panic.
Sparring with one person, no problem. Throw in another and it's difficult. Add two or three more and it's no problem. (go figure) Give them some sticks and knives and, well.... you see where this is going. And I just have no idea what to expect.
Not to mention the exhaustion factor. This is a long, arduous test. I think Clayton and Julia's test was about 4 and a half hours. There were two of them, but I don't imagine it will be shorter with just me.
Oh yeah, did i mention that it will be JUST ME up there???
One thing I will say, though, is that I feel so totally supported my so many people right now. People are making a huge effort to support me in getting my black belt. One person is waiting a week to move into their new house that they just bought so they can be at the test. One person is skipping an annual party to be there. People have joined forces to make a nice party at a friend's house for afterwards and Clayton has offered to make invitations to that.
Dave has spent significant time training with me after hours and for long hours to help me prepare. Tristan has joined us when she can.
After some initial drama involving my husband and mom, my mom is coming from Florida. Tons of friends have said that they would be there to watch, even if just for a part of the test (did i mention that it's long?) including Dr. D from the clinic.
I am so grateful to have all that support.
I started my MCAT class (again). I feel stupid and like I can never get a good enough score on the exam. I took a practice Physics subject test today and got 38%. It was demoralizing. I know a lot of what I'm taking the class for is becoming comfortable with MCAT style questions (they like to be tricky) but still... demoralizing.
Monday I start O. Chem. I'd better get cracking! At least my studies will distract me from that PAAAAANIC!
I mean seriously. I was sitting and talking with a friend yesterday and she asked me what is different about getting a black belt than getting any other rank. As I explained it to her, a fear grew in my belly that I would actually have to demonstrate some of these things.
When I was about to test for my brown belt, about two weeks before the test, I got an e-mail from Sifu saying that she was having doubts that I should test so early (it was quite close to my green belt test). She had some concerns about my fighting skills. I had a conversation with her later that day (after weeping like a little girl and then growing rapidly pissed off) and she gave me the option to test or to postpone. She was worried that it would not be a good test for me and that there would be a lot asked of me as far as my advanced fighting skills.
I decided to test, and after much getting over of the hurt feelings, I decided to totally kick its ass. I did it too. And it was a hard test. I can't tell you how many people came up to me afterwards, flabbergasted by the level of intensity demanded of me at that test. I think Sifu knew that she lit a fire under my ass and she wanted me to show it. I did. And then I knew that my black belt test was going to be a killer. I put that in the back of my mind.
I was explaning to my friend (and now to those of you who aren't in kung fu with me) about the difference between getting my black belt and reaching brown. First, there is no new material between brown and black, it's all about mastering material you already know. I thought I'd get bored with that, but I really didn't. I reached a couple plateaus, especially in my fighting skills, but I grew a lot this year. A lot.
I will be expected to show not just a knowledge of the material, which all previous ranks focus on, but now to allow the art to express itself through me, and to express it the way that I've taken it in. I will be faced with extremely difficult situations unfamiliar to me and asked to draw on all my skills without losing sight of the whole art by focusing on the difficulties or techniques. I have to do what I know. I need to show what I have.
I know I have a lot. But I also know that there is a LOT that i'm uncomfortable with. Throw me under a pile of people and ask me to get out from their grabs and chokes and I will do it. It might take a while, but I will do it. Hand them some knives and sticks and I tend to panic.
Sparring with one person, no problem. Throw in another and it's difficult. Add two or three more and it's no problem. (go figure) Give them some sticks and knives and, well.... you see where this is going. And I just have no idea what to expect.
Not to mention the exhaustion factor. This is a long, arduous test. I think Clayton and Julia's test was about 4 and a half hours. There were two of them, but I don't imagine it will be shorter with just me.
Oh yeah, did i mention that it will be JUST ME up there???
One thing I will say, though, is that I feel so totally supported my so many people right now. People are making a huge effort to support me in getting my black belt. One person is waiting a week to move into their new house that they just bought so they can be at the test. One person is skipping an annual party to be there. People have joined forces to make a nice party at a friend's house for afterwards and Clayton has offered to make invitations to that.
Dave has spent significant time training with me after hours and for long hours to help me prepare. Tristan has joined us when she can.
After some initial drama involving my husband and mom, my mom is coming from Florida. Tons of friends have said that they would be there to watch, even if just for a part of the test (did i mention that it's long?) including Dr. D from the clinic.
I am so grateful to have all that support.
I started my MCAT class (again). I feel stupid and like I can never get a good enough score on the exam. I took a practice Physics subject test today and got 38%. It was demoralizing. I know a lot of what I'm taking the class for is becoming comfortable with MCAT style questions (they like to be tricky) but still... demoralizing.
Monday I start O. Chem. I'd better get cracking! At least my studies will distract me from that PAAAAANIC!
Friday, June 01, 2007
Still Here...
Things have been smooth and busy lately, hence the blog inactivity. I just wanted to mention that my test is in THREE WEEKS (from tomorrow)!!!! I'm feeling pretty good - I'm just training as much as possible while still getting another A in Physics (seriously) and also taking care of my little one.
Sarv was here for a couple weeks, which was great! We miss him. I'm feeling sad and empty-housed now that he's gone (and Todd is out and Lucy's asleep).
Lu has been a real doll these past couple weeks. I find that my patience is often quite limited lately, but I'm trying to get a handle on it. Tonight I joked with her about how my patience was getting smaller and was the size of a walnut, so if she didn't get her #$%&! pajamas on it would get even smaller. Well, kinda joked. She thought it was funny. She hadn't napped and was asleep in a few short minutes after hitting the pillow....
She's been preoccupied with death lately. It's disconcerting. It's hard for me to be reassuring when I'm so uncertain about my beliefs there. I tell her that only our body dies and that our spirit lives on afterwards. She also asks a lot of questions about people who have died, like Jimmy, her grandfather (Todd's dad), Grampa's parents and asks why they died. She doesn't want to die and is afraid of it.
We also talk about how to keep our bodies healthy, which is certainly where I feel much more comfortable. She's so confident in her understanding of that - "I'll never eat that bad junk food ever!" Tee hee. When she asked why her grandfather (Todd's dad again) got sick enough to die, I told her that he didn't take care of his body and did things that were very bad for it and eventually it couldn't repair itself. She then asked what sorts of things keep our body healthy (hurray!) and I told her about eating healthy grow foods and moving around and playing all the time. What fun!
So, did I mention that I'm testing for my black belt?
I had my last Physics class of the quarter today. Final's on Tuesday. As long as I don't totally screw the pooch on the final (possible) I'll be getting my A! Hurray! Who'da thunk...
Then the ridiculous MCAT prep class and O. Chem. My Summer is gonna suck. It may prove to be too much, in which case I'll have to decide whether or not to continue with O. Chem or the MCAT class. Dropping the MCAT class and postponing my MCAT basically postpones my med school application for a year. O. Chem can wait, but I wouldn't be able to take biochem in time, which would be a drag... I'm weighing my options and waiting to see just how completely crazy it is to do both. At least I won't be preparing for my black belt any more.
Lucy started kung fu! And she loves it. She is also doing gymnastics and she is fantastic! She really throws herself into it and has a great time. I'm so impressed by her. I'm letting her lead the way and let me know if she wants to let any of it go - there's a circus class I'd love for her to try, but seriously... anyway, she's so excited to go to both things that we have been unable to drop either. We'll see how it goes next session when she'll probably have a different teacher in gymnastics. That could change everything. Of course not with kung fu - Tristan teaches the little ones and she adores Tristan.
I guess that's the update for now....
Sarv was here for a couple weeks, which was great! We miss him. I'm feeling sad and empty-housed now that he's gone (and Todd is out and Lucy's asleep).
Lu has been a real doll these past couple weeks. I find that my patience is often quite limited lately, but I'm trying to get a handle on it. Tonight I joked with her about how my patience was getting smaller and was the size of a walnut, so if she didn't get her #$%&! pajamas on it would get even smaller. Well, kinda joked. She thought it was funny. She hadn't napped and was asleep in a few short minutes after hitting the pillow....
She's been preoccupied with death lately. It's disconcerting. It's hard for me to be reassuring when I'm so uncertain about my beliefs there. I tell her that only our body dies and that our spirit lives on afterwards. She also asks a lot of questions about people who have died, like Jimmy, her grandfather (Todd's dad), Grampa's parents and asks why they died. She doesn't want to die and is afraid of it.
We also talk about how to keep our bodies healthy, which is certainly where I feel much more comfortable. She's so confident in her understanding of that - "I'll never eat that bad junk food ever!" Tee hee. When she asked why her grandfather (Todd's dad again) got sick enough to die, I told her that he didn't take care of his body and did things that were very bad for it and eventually it couldn't repair itself. She then asked what sorts of things keep our body healthy (hurray!) and I told her about eating healthy grow foods and moving around and playing all the time. What fun!
So, did I mention that I'm testing for my black belt?
I had my last Physics class of the quarter today. Final's on Tuesday. As long as I don't totally screw the pooch on the final (possible) I'll be getting my A! Hurray! Who'da thunk...
Then the ridiculous MCAT prep class and O. Chem. My Summer is gonna suck. It may prove to be too much, in which case I'll have to decide whether or not to continue with O. Chem or the MCAT class. Dropping the MCAT class and postponing my MCAT basically postpones my med school application for a year. O. Chem can wait, but I wouldn't be able to take biochem in time, which would be a drag... I'm weighing my options and waiting to see just how completely crazy it is to do both. At least I won't be preparing for my black belt any more.
Lucy started kung fu! And she loves it. She is also doing gymnastics and she is fantastic! She really throws herself into it and has a great time. I'm so impressed by her. I'm letting her lead the way and let me know if she wants to let any of it go - there's a circus class I'd love for her to try, but seriously... anyway, she's so excited to go to both things that we have been unable to drop either. We'll see how it goes next session when she'll probably have a different teacher in gymnastics. That could change everything. Of course not with kung fu - Tristan teaches the little ones and she adores Tristan.
I guess that's the update for now....
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