Creeping up

Well, it's officially the one week countdown. Thus far, I've been relatively blasé about the test, i mean, not exactly, but I've been doing what i need to do and sort of even looking forward to it, inviting friends etc. Well, folks, it's officially time to PAAAAAANIC!!!!!

I mean seriously. I was sitting and talking with a friend yesterday and she asked me what is different about getting a black belt than getting any other rank. As I explained it to her, a fear grew in my belly that I would actually have to demonstrate some of these things.

When I was about to test for my brown belt, about two weeks before the test, I got an e-mail from Sifu saying that she was having doubts that I should test so early (it was quite close to my green belt test). She had some concerns about my fighting skills. I had a conversation with her later that day (after weeping like a little girl and then growing rapidly pissed off) and she gave me the option to test or to postpone. She was worried that it would not be a good test for me and that there would be a lot asked of me as far as my advanced fighting skills.

I decided to test, and after much getting over of the hurt feelings, I decided to totally kick its ass. I did it too. And it was a hard test. I can't tell you how many people came up to me afterwards, flabbergasted by the level of intensity demanded of me at that test. I think Sifu knew that she lit a fire under my ass and she wanted me to show it. I did. And then I knew that my black belt test was going to be a killer. I put that in the back of my mind.

I was explaning to my friend (and now to those of you who aren't in kung fu with me) about the difference between getting my black belt and reaching brown. First, there is no new material between brown and black, it's all about mastering material you already know. I thought I'd get bored with that, but I really didn't. I reached a couple plateaus, especially in my fighting skills, but I grew a lot this year. A lot.

I will be expected to show not just a knowledge of the material, which all previous ranks focus on, but now to allow the art to express itself through me, and to express it the way that I've taken it in. I will be faced with extremely difficult situations unfamiliar to me and asked to draw on all my skills without losing sight of the whole art by focusing on the difficulties or techniques. I have to do what I know. I need to show what I have.

I know I have a lot. But I also know that there is a LOT that i'm uncomfortable with. Throw me under a pile of people and ask me to get out from their grabs and chokes and I will do it. It might take a while, but I will do it. Hand them some knives and sticks and I tend to panic.

Sparring with one person, no problem. Throw in another and it's difficult. Add two or three more and it's no problem. (go figure) Give them some sticks and knives and, well.... you see where this is going. And I just have no idea what to expect.

Not to mention the exhaustion factor. This is a long, arduous test. I think Clayton and Julia's test was about 4 and a half hours. There were two of them, but I don't imagine it will be shorter with just me.

Oh yeah, did i mention that it will be JUST ME up there???

One thing I will say, though, is that I feel so totally supported my so many people right now. People are making a huge effort to support me in getting my black belt. One person is waiting a week to move into their new house that they just bought so they can be at the test. One person is skipping an annual party to be there. People have joined forces to make a nice party at a friend's house for afterwards and Clayton has offered to make invitations to that.

Dave has spent significant time training with me after hours and for long hours to help me prepare. Tristan has joined us when she can.

After some initial drama involving my husband and mom, my mom is coming from Florida. Tons of friends have said that they would be there to watch, even if just for a part of the test (did i mention that it's long?) including Dr. D from the clinic.

I am so grateful to have all that support.

I started my MCAT class (again). I feel stupid and like I can never get a good enough score on the exam. I took a practice Physics subject test today and got 38%. It was demoralizing. I know a lot of what I'm taking the class for is becoming comfortable with MCAT style questions (they like to be tricky) but still... demoralizing.

Monday I start O. Chem. I'd better get cracking! At least my studies will distract me from that PAAAAANIC!