Cute story...

I took Lucy to her a birthday party yesterday for the boy to whom I'm told she is engaged.  It was a regular party with 5 and 6-year olds bouncing off the walls for 2 hours.  They were doing this game where each kid would walk across this giant foam cylinder while the groupleader shook it and made them fall off.  When it was Lucy's turn, she fell and laughed hysterically and fell again and laughed hysterically and all the kids were laughing right along with her.  She came flopping joyfully off and sat back on the line near the boy and I heard him sigh dreamily to himself, "I'm gonna marry beautiful Lucy." 

I died a little.

Sloggin' through

Well, I feel I've been neglecting you, my faithful readers, so I thought I'd stop by and say hi.  Hi!

Let's see... I've been a little busy lately.  I'm kind of in school or studying or thinking about being in school or studying and that's my whole life.  Well, that and trying to still be a loving mom and sexy adoring wife.  To those ends, I think I've been marginally successful.

Lu is going through a very tough phase right now, hopefully coming out the other side of it.  She FREAKS OUT and throws tantrums and has discovered the joys of being obnoxious just to get on people's (my) nerves - things like sticking her butt in my face, licking, you know... fun.  I have discovered that 5 is the new 2.  

She knows my buttons too - I have a big button about her being spoiled.  I never had a lot of stuff growing up - I grew up with about 100 other kids  and we all had the same exact stuff - a deck of cards and that was about it.  It's been an ongoing challenge for me since Lucy was born - I love that I don't have to worry about money, I think it's amazing, but I also don't take it for granted and I work very hard so that Lucy won't take it for granted either.  I don't hand her everything she ever wants on a platter, I also don't get myself lots of toys and goods - I don't really want them and it's important for me to live simply.  It's important for me that Lucy know how to live simply. I know these are my issues and Lucy is who Lucy is, and that Lucy is FIVE and wants TOYS and CANDY just like any other five-year-old.  It still really gets to me when she throws a huge fit that I won't get her a new stuffed toy to fill her basket of one million "soft and squishy and cute" stuffed toys.

But as always, these phases last just long enough for me to want to tear all my hair out and defenestrate her and she begins to emerge on the other side, both of us worse for wear, but always closer than ever, both of us having worked out our stuff together.

At least that's the hope.  I'll keep you posted.

On other fronts - school is school.  It's winding down a bit - I have 3 finals over the next 2 weeks and then TWO WEEKS OFF with nothing more to do than snuggle with my family, sleep in (every other day, of course), work out, go for walks, see Santa (in Woodstock), visit with friends, read books, watch TV, drink wine with my dinner, smooch with my sweetie (who by the way is turning out to be a most excellent househusband - he even cooks!), take baths...

ah happiness.

If I can only get through Pharmacology, Research, and Anatomy... blech.

I am 3 down and 9 to go in the didactic year!!  Hooray!!

My dearest friend from Seattle (Mr. Kl8on) came for a visit with his cupcake (girlfriend) and we had a great time over Thanksgiving.  Lucy loves her uncle Clayton and they had a great time playing together.  I didn't get enough time with my friends, but it was so lovely to see and be with them.  They are wonderful and wonderful together.  It's good to see my friend so happy and challenged and healthy and growing....  I love my friend!  (and his cupcake of course)

OK, now i'm just procrastinating.  I have one more lab (tomorrow) and then all that is done!  Last week I pulled out a brain.  Now I must study Pharm and Research.  Here I go.  Bye.  Really.  Watch me work...

It's Official

Todd picked up my belt at kung fu last night and took this pic of it with his iPhone!

Hooooooray!

My baby is FIVE

Well, i can't believe it, but I have a five-year-old. Yep. Five.

We had a great time celebrating her birthday this weekend - we had a pool party at the Y. The kids swam for an hour and then stuffed themselves on cake and candy. I tried to make an octopus cake - we have a mold we used last year that worked great, but unfortunately, this time it got stuck in the pan, fell apart and then was frosted before it cooled, so it basically looked like a big pile of poo. So we got some cupcakes. Alas. It was going to be a good cake too...

I'm so proud of my little girl and who she is becoming. She is thoughtful, sweet, hilarious, sensitive and strong. I have been giving a lot of thought to that - she is really sensitive AND strong. She has the capacity to bend and change for others, she has a pulling desire to fit in and is easily hurt when she is rebuffed. She has however been able to stand strong, even to stand up to her sometimes-way-too-crotchety mama and still be open and friendly and wonderful.

We do fight sometimes and more often than in times past, I am short-tempered and preoccupied. I try not to be - I try to be fully here for her when I am here - dinner time, bedtime - but sometimes the other household things catch up with me and I find myself unable to give her a small smile of attention at her laundry basket antics when I'm frantically folding the tenth load of laundry on a Sunday night when I should really be studying for a Physiology exam that I am completely unprepared for. I answer her question with a sarcastic response and instead of being hurt and angry and going away, she is hurt and angry and says, "why do you have to talk so RUDE?"

I apologize.

We fight again getting ready for bed, but in the end, I calm down and she calms down and we have a nice time with books and stories and a good snuggle. I am proud of her. I know I can take some credit for who she is becoming. I know that my actions and words have an impact on her and I hope the loving caring mama ones surround her more than the biting tired cranky ones and that she knows how much I love her and how much what I am doing is because of her. Because I want her to know how wonderfully rewarding it is to do something so hard. I want her to know that she can be whatever she wants to be, not because I tell it to her but because she sees her mama working for it and loving it. And I want her to be proud of me.

I want her to be exactly who she is: An independent, enthusiastic, sensitive, caring, thoughtful, silly, creative person. I love you, my little Pumpkin Butt!

In other news: I am the micro master. I totally kicked ass on the microbiology exam. Not only that - everyone else seemed to really struggle with it. I am not an imposter.

I fear my day in the sun is soon to come to a close. The dreaded Physio (well, biochem, cell bio) exam is coming up on Thursday. Oy. I'll be glad to pass that one.

Halloween coming up Friday!

Todd is going to Seattle on Wednesday to celebrate Professor's 60th birthday celebration. All the Bones family Kung Fu schools will be represented - the smallest contingent coming from Ohana Kajukenbo in New Haven, CT. I used a sharpie to make an Ohana t-shirt so he can represent! I'm pretty excited about that. Also, Sifu promised me a new belt that says, "Sifu Hira". Hooray!

I had to cut down to one class per week, I'm just a little overwhelmed with school right now. But I am really happy with the turnout I'm getting and I'm so glad I'm able to continue in some capacity. Yay sifu hira!

10 days to election day: vote.

Rocks and Hard Places

Well, just a quick how-do-you-do while i take a break from Microbiology studies.

I didn't fare that well on my exam last week. I passed, but I expected to do much better and I was really quite thrown by it. I know a lot of it is because I hastily sped through and probably missed a couple just for going too quickly. But i can't blame it all on that. I was particularly down because all my friends to whom I'd explained the immune system and its workings, did much better than i did. It was a blow.

So I went home, downtrodden, but realizing I just need to study more. 4 hours a day isn't enough. And my time needs to be spent in a more organized way...

I arrived home... Lucy had been treating me poorly for a few days and we were butting heads. At one point in the evening, she suggested I go back to Seattle for another "alone" vacation so that she would be home with just daddy. She didn't say this to hurt my feelings, though at some level she knew it would. She said it because she saw how happy I was when I returned from my trip to Seattle and how good it was for me. But there was some of the other in there too.

She'd been throwing fits all over the place - sometimes like she used to when she was little. That night, after the vacation comment, she got mad at me when I told Papa about it. I sat her on my lap and told her I wasn't mad. She was visibly hurt and confused. I told her it seemed like she was pretty mad at me lately and asked her if that was true. She nodded. I asked her if she was just mad because she didn't get to spend very much time with me any more. She nodded again. I told her that I really didn't like it either, but that I was doing something very important for me. I also told her that when I do get to spend time with her, it's very special for me and I look forward to it every day. We had a nice snuggle and I put her to bed.

I feel so torn. I know I need to work harder to stay afloat in this program. I know I want to do it and honestly, I love every minute of what I'm doing. I just don't have enough time. I want to be a part, not a part, I want to be IN Lucy's life. I don't like that I'm not the one picking her up and dropping her off. I'm not the one taking her to the doctor. Not the one who gets to spend the fun vacation day with her. I have one day a week that is only about Lucy. No school. One day. It's wonderful, that day, but it's not enough.

I have dinner with her each night. And am with her until bedtime. I know we will survive this and we will be fine. It's just a really hard adjustment.

And that was the day last Thursday - simultaneously realizing that I need to spend more time studying and that my daughter is beginning to hate me because I'm not around.

That sounded bleaker than it really is. But that is how it felt that day.

I checked my phone right before going to bed that night and there was a text from one of my school friends: Enjoy your drink tonight, you deserve it. Thanks for all your help with Path.

It was exactly what I needed, just the brief thoughtfulness of a friend. I went to bed crying that night. I'm sure it won't be the last time...

However - this week I am renewed. I have a new method of studying - we'll see if it works. I'm trying to study only the material for the next 2 weeks tests on M, T, and W. Test is Th, and on Th, F and Sun I'll catch up on all the maintenance studying. We'll see how it works. Anatomy (gasp) exam on Thursday this week - lab practical and written. Oy.

On the bright side, I have NINE people on my kung fu roster. Hooray!!

FFFphplllllbbbt

So, I think that title pretty much says it all. I'm busy, exhausted, overwhelmed, and LOVING IT!

This Thursday is my first (of many) exams. From here on out, we have at least one per week. It's a bit crazed. I'm feeling pretty good about Pathology (you all saw my nerdy immunology posting), though there is still some studying to be done for the next 2 days. Meanwhile, it will be closely followed by my nemesis, Anatomy. Written and Practical. Nemesis. And then...

In any case, I am so excited to be here, I am learning so much and I am STILL feeling good about it. My dad has been here helping out a few weeks, which has made it really easy on me, so I will be sad to see him go home next week. I pretty much get up, go to class, study... then I pick up Lucy around 5, hang out with her and the family until bedtime, whereupon I retreat to my office and study until the lids droop. Usually around 10:30. Lucy has gotten as much mama as she needs, but unfortunately, I think Papa Todd is getting the raw end of this. I have school, Lucy, and that's about it.

I had to cut out my Tuesday Kung Fu class since I am feeling a bit pressed upon. Starting next month, I'll just have once a week. On the bright side of that, I have fully eight people on my roster! It will be nice when they are all there on the same day. It will feel like a real kung fu class. I have 3 teenage girls - 8th graders, which makes me very happy. They are nerdy reader girls (they all know each other from a book club) and they are having a great time at kung fu! One of them told me this evening that she has tried a lot of different classes and she never stuck with it because none ever clicked for her. Until now. I can't tell you how happy that made me.

I am making friends as well, which makes the whole thing tolerable. I have my crowd and they are a diverse and wonderful people. I find myself laughing hysterically throughout the day, which honestly makes it all worth it.

In family news, I don't know if I've mentioned our Halloween costumes this year.... but stay posted for photos. I think they will be awesome. If you don't know, I will just tell you that Lucy has been obsessed with body parts, cells, blood, and germs...

I'd better get on the stick and make the costumes already!

And with that, my friends, I am headed back to another fun-filled late night of Anatomy and Pathology.... wish me luck on Thursday.

The Nerdiest Thing Ever. Or the Immune System in Five Minutes or Less

OK, so I'm warning all of you that this is very very nerdy. You might not want to go any further. But if you do, know that I experienced much joy writing this and I hope you all learn something.

Also, I'll give you the background. In our many classes, we have "learning objectives": Ten-thousand small things we need to know to pass the course. There are so many of them, our class decided to split them all up between us and enter them all in a google doc online. Some of them are as simple as "define necrosis". Others are not:i) In your own words, restate how the various components of the immune system interact when the body is presented with an antigen. This latter was my first assignment. And here, ladies and gentlemen is what happens when lack of sleep + extra coffee + a really complex topic + a sprinkling of sincere devotion to biology will get you.

I think if you ignore the terminology, you might like it too.
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First, a baddie (microbe or unwanted character of some kind) enters the scene and tries to get past the first lines of defense:
Skin, pH, sweat, tears, sebum all try to block his way.
He gets through the epithelium of the skin or GI and encounters the Innate Immune Response.

Innate Immune Response – Phagocytes (neutrophils and macrophages) see the baddie and his friends.
- Phagocytes will eat microbes and secrete cytokines, stimulating inflammation and a lymphocyte response (see below). There are also some specialized cells, Dendritic cells (more info below) and Natural Killer cells. NK cells march around the body just looking for baddies to kill.
- Complement system (proteins circulating in the body) will activate and take part in a number of activities including forming MAC – Membrane Attack Complex. MAC proteins see the baddies and attach to their membranes forming pores and ultimately lysis.
- Back to the dendritic cells – they are specialized cells that carry around chewed up antigens (proteins) that come from destroyed baddies. These dendritic cells are also known as Antigen Presenting Cells (APC’s) because, well, because they are cells that present antigens. They travel to the lymph nodes to present their chewed-up bits of bad guys to naïve T-cells. This stimulates proliferation and differentiation of T-cells.
- T-cells – now the T-cells become active T-cells. There are 2 kinds of active T-cells – T helper cells (CD4+) and T cytotoxic cells (CD8+). T cytotoxic cells kill (esp. virally) infected cells and tumors. T helper cells activate macrophages to become even more efficient killers and stimulate B-cells to enter clonal expansion and produce antibodies (more on this below)

Adaptive Immune Response –
- T-cells complex (get together) with B-cells and tell them (through the use of cytokine (chemical) messengers) to make antibodies.
- B-cells go into clonal expansion – this means they turn into plasma cells and make lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of antibodies against the antigen (remember the baddie?)
- Antibodies do all kinds of wonderful things and there are several different ones. Briefly, they neutralize baddies, opsonize (coat them so that they seem more delicious to macrophages), activate complement, protect against parasites, and protect newborns.

The body then hopefully returns to its basal state – the state of normalcy it held before. One difference is that it can now have memory cells. If the body encounters this particular kind of baddie again, it can skip over a bunch of steps and go straight into clonal expansion because it will now have memory cells.

And that is it in a nutshell.

Learning to Learn

Well, i'm in it now. It's 9:15 and I'm taking a 10 minute break from studying to blog. I'm taking Physiology, Pathology, Pharmacology, Research, Anatomy with dissection, and Microbiology for now. It's fast and it's furious, but I'm loving it! Every day I'm reminded of the gravity of what I'm doing. I'll hear words like, "When you're prescribing these for your patients, you have to remember x,y, and z....." and I'll think to myself, Holy shit, I'm going to have patients, this is real, this matters, and holy shit, I'm going to have patients!

Lucy's transition to Kindergarten is going rather smoothly so far. I mean, it's hard for her and transitions are hard for everyone, for all of us, but it's a great place and I'm glad she's there. They have "sight word cans" where they put all the words they can recognize by sight. Her first sight word, aside from Lucy, is squid. Her Uncle Clayton will like that ;)

She stays all day, generally 8 - 5, which is a long day for me and for her, but it's necessary for now. I take all my time outside of class to study so that when I'm with her, I can really be with her. Then back to the books after she goes to bed.

I'm having a hard time keeping up, I can't yet go into depth in my studies, the volume of material is just so incredible. However, I'm doing my best, I'm studying hard, and I'm keeping my head above water. I'm kind of a big-picture learner, so hopefully the gaps will fill in over time. I just really have no idea what to expect as far as exams and whatnot... I'm starting a study group this weekend, I think that will be helpful.

Tomorrow in Anatomy lab - the first cut. Yikes! We do all sorts of exploration of the thorax and abdomen, we get to pull out some guts and look for an appendix... I'm excited, but very nervous.

Just one last story before I head back to the books:

The other night we were having supper and Lucy took a swig of water that went down the wrong pipe. I asked her, "are you OK? Did it go down the wrong pipe?"
And she replied, "Yeah mama, it didn't go down my esophagus."
I love her.

So of course I answered, "Oh, did it go down your trachea?"
"Yeah. I'm OK."

I am not an Impostor

Well, I'm here. I'm finally starting (sort of). I've spent the past week in Orientation with my fellow Yale PA program beginners and am now sufficiently terrified and ready to begin.

If I hear the words "rigorous", "demanding", or "intense" one more time, I think I'll have a heart attack.

But I'm ready to start. Orientation week was filled with information such as how to get around, how to navigate the computers and libraries, and how to use insurance. The final day, yesterday, was a good ending. The first half of the day was our orientation to the gross anatomy lab. Combined with the first year med students, we sat through an incredibly illuminating lecture on the gravity of the gift we were each about to receive (a body) and the depth and breadth of emotion that we might feel. It was incredibly heartfelt and by the end I sincerely felt immense gratitude for the gift. It is called a gift here and we use the word 'donor' instead of 'cadaver' which brings home the idea of the gift and reminds us that it is a gift.

I was nervous and scared, but also excited to meet my donor.

I won't go into details of my donor's features, for privacy's sake, but I did take a good long look at her face before I began to poke and prod. And before I privately named her 'Maude'. I think that's a fitting name.

I have 6 lab partners, but 1 didn't show, so I think I might be down to 5.

The afternoon was spent elsewhere on a challenge course at a local high school. The challenge course is a series of exercises, physical and otherwise, designed to pull a team together and allow that team to get to know the rest of the team members. I had a wonderful time, I did get to know more of the people in my my small class of 36 and am truly excited to begin working with this diverse group. There are many leaders (we did all get into this rigorous, intense, and demanding program), but with strikingly differing backgrounds. There are deeply religious people, political left-wingers, military people, the gamut. I enjoy being with (almost) all of them!

The challenge course was also the first time all week we were allowed out of our "business casual" clothing. Hooray for t-shirts! This also meant the unveiling of my tattoo. I got some comments, but no sneering. You never know.

I'm ready to begin. This week I begin Anatomy (with dissection) lab, Pathology, Microbiology, and Research Methods. I believe next week I'll begin Pharmacology. I'm only slightly panicked, but mostly I'm excited to see if I can do it. In the back of my mind, I am constantly worried that I'll be discovered. I'm an impostor. I shouldn't be here. I'll never be able to complete this.

I have to just keep telling myself, I AM NOT AN IMPOSTOR. I'll get through this. I'm ready.

The Heartbreak of Home

I'm in Seattle for a quick visit. It's my very first real vacation without Lucy, so essentially my first vacation in almost five years. By that, I mean my first vacation from getting up with her in the morning (I slept uninterrupted until 8 am this morning, Pacific time!), taking baths without her asking to come in, using the bathroom without someone pounding on the door, shouting "Are you pooping?!" This last because in our house it's acceptable to enter if someone is merely peeing, but pooping requires privacy, for the adults at least. I don't have to cook dinners, clean up after anyone, make sure nobody's bored, hurt, sick, grumpy, or angry.

It has taken me three days to get used to it. This morning, I got up (at 8), videochatted with my family for the first time ever, took a bath and read my book, and am now sitting down to blog.

While I am certainly glad to be here, it is heartbreaking for me in many ways. We only left here 3 months ago and it still feels like my home, but I don't get to go home to my family at the end of my day, I'm staying in a hotel, a guest. I am going to Kung Fu and am still warmly welcomed as a member of the community, but I am referred to as a "special guest", I am in town all week (tip your waitresses).

Yesterday, I had a mission. Lucy has been into body parts - anatomy and physiology and biology... specifically, circulation. We've been getting books from the library and she likes learning about all the stuff that I'm going to be learning about starting next week. She was very into blood cells and was drawing them constantly when I remembered that I'd seen some toy ones someplace in Seattle. I'd told her about it and in an effort to ease the pain of me being gone so long, I told her I'd get her one during my trip. This mission served as a way to explore the city as a visitor and gave me something to do.

First, I took a bus to UW bookstore, which is where I initially saw the plush RBC. It is one of the 'giant microbe' line that is mostly made up of various plush anthropomorphized germs. I dug through their entire selection and they had no blood cells, red or otherwise.

I looked online and saw that someone had picked up a giant microbe from Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe on the waterfront. I called them and asked if they had any RBCs, and was told that yes, they had 4 in stock. The next day, I hoofed all the way downtown, through Pike Place Market, down under, to the waterfront, past the Aquarium... and on to the Shoppe. All along the way, I was filled with a sense of mournful loss - I used to bus with Lucy here, I took her here for doughnuts, we spent many gloom-filled days at the aquarium...

Finally, I arrived at the Shoppe. I looked through their entire selection of large fuzzy microbes. No RBC's. They did have a WBC, but that's not what she wanted. I picked one up anyway. I went to a very grumpy old lady who was restocking things and told her that I'd called and was looking for an RBC from their giant microbe selection and was told that they had some in stock.

"Nobody told me!"
"Well, do you have any in stock?"
"Sigh. You want a red one? You didn't see any red ones?"
"Not a red 'one'. A Red Blood Cell."
"You looked?"
"Yes."
Pause. Stare.
"You want me to go look in the back?!"
Pause.
"Yes, that would be nice. I'd really appreciate it."
"There are lots of red ones here."
Pause.
Stare.
"I need a RED BLOOD CELL."

Another man comes out, seemingly the one who told me they had it in stock. He was apologetic, but equally perplexed as to why I need a particular one.

I tried to explain, holding up the White Blood cell I'd found. "You have the white blood cell, but I want the red one."
"You know, they don't usually come in different colors."
At this point, I found it really difficult to have compassion for them.

After gently explaining the difference between White and Red Blood cells and that they are actually different entities, the grumpy lady comes down carrying an enormous box full of plush germs. No RBC's.
Three separate times, she held out a WBC and said, "You want this one?"

The man in charge apologized for my trip.
"You have no idea how far I've come," I told him.
He must have felt guilty because he then called the distributor and came back with a list of all the retailers in Seattle that had the giant microbes.
I heartily thanked him and then went outside to phone.

I called them all, and none had the RBC.
Finally I called the UW bookstore, on the off chance they'd had a delivery or had a big backstock. I was on hold for 20 minutes, but an RBC was located in backstock! They held it for me and I went up and got it, walking far in the rain, taking 2 buses...

All the while, Lucy's school - I was actually too forlorn to go in and say hello to her teachers. Maybe later.
The parking lot attendant at the bookstore asked me, "Where's the baby?"
He is a lovely man, I've had many conversations with him - Lucy in the backseat, anxious to go home at the end of her day. He is divorced and has a little girl Lucy's age, he is from Northern Africa and is going back to school part time.

I miss that Lucy.

This morning, I hooked up the iChat, and videochatted with Todd and Lu. I showed her the RBC (his name is Airbubble). And then the WBC. She loves them and can't wait to have them. She shouted, "That white blood cell looks hungry! He needs some germs!"

I guess that will require another trip to the bookstore.

I feel sad that I am a guest here. Sad for all the reminders of the daily life I had here which are gone in a flash. Sad that I feel so comfortable here, navigating the buses, walking the streets because this is my home, but it isn't any more. (Compare trash all over the coastline and thrown carelessly from cars with the new law that there will be no foam or plastic at restaurants in Seattle any more *sigh*. UW has already gone 100% compostable)

But i'm thrilled to spend time with Clayton. I got to meet his new paramour, who is a lovely, beautiful, vivacious, intelligent woman (my assessment of the short time I spent with her over dinner last night). I'm excited to see Elise today. I'm glad to be training in the Fu with my Fu family and it is wonderful to still be in my room at 11 am after relaxing and sleeping in and taking baths and reading and....

I will be so glad to get home. Home. My new home. The place where my family is.

Catching Up - A New Haven Rant followed by the Plus Side

Well, we've moved to New Haven. I pretty much hate it here - the drivers are insane (seriously, it's anarchy on the roads, meaningless red lights + no helmet laws = well, i guess I'll see some head trauma when i get to rotations), there is no decent, halfway decent, or somewhat approachable natural foods store or local produce of any kind anywhere, recycling is a joke, and the people in my neighborhood are weird. By weird i mean, well, lets put it this way - I have a rather large tattoo on my right arm. This is a pretty stuffy neighborhood - it's middle class, but unbeknownst to me before I moved here, Connecticut is conservative... i get LOOKS on my tattoo. No comments, no questions, just looks. The men leer at me. They are all middle aged, married men and i can almost hear them daydreaming about the 'wild child' who just moved in next door.

It's creepy. They try to have long conversations full of small talk with me (without mentioning but also staring at my large tattoo). I've never had so much meaningless small talk either.

Lucy and I ride our xtracycle (big bike that she can sit on the back of http://www.xtracycle.com) a lot, which is really nice. We live in a pretty flat and low-key part of town, so that's fun. I had planned on riding everywhere, but I'm seriously terrified of the drivers here. I've been to Boston, Boston's traffic is controlled and temperate when compared to New Haven drivers. Oh, have i mentioned the amounts of garbage on the streets?! I am honestly SHOCKED at how many times I've seen people toss their bags of garbage out their windows. I seriously can't believe it. Which goes to the maddening and awfully saddening amounts of trash on the shoreline.

New Haven is blessed with a lovely shoreline which it largely ignores. West Haven and East Haven each have nice beaches, which would be fantastic and idyllic were it not for the tons of waste and human refuse lining the shores. It's disheartening, discouraging, and unpleasant.

But there are redeeming factors in this town as well, and I'm getting used to it here.

My dear friends Joe and Sarjan and their fun and forceful daughter Ruby have moved here as well. I have gotten to spend some real quality time with them which I haven't had with Sarjan since we were 16. Lucy adores Ruby (who is 11 months) and is constantly angling to spend more time with her. She is a wonderful big sister.

I have a Kung Fu school!

I taught a workshop a couple weeks ago and Sarjan signed up as did two others plus Todd. They have all signed on to continue with classes and I have had a few serious inquiries about classes to continue. I am enjoying it tremendously! I can't say how much this has changed my life here. I was miserable without kung fu - I missed Seattle so much, my friends, my Kung Fu family, my quality of life! Well, I don't know if you know this, but I heart Kung Fu. And it is coming through in my classes - having all my workshop participants continue with classes is truly divine. I can't believe how this has all worked out too.

I mean, one day, I was walking down the street in the main part of my neighborhood and I noticed a yoga/dance studio space that said it offered studio rentals. 3 weeks later, voilà! Ohana Kajukenbo is born.

More on Ohana in a later entry, for now that is enough dear reader. I am exhausted from a trip to Middletown where there is a truly fantastic children's museum to which i will most certainly return.

In summary, New Haven sucks, life is good.

Back and Forth

I've been languishing on this blog mostly because I'm focusing on my other one for the time being... I guess you'll have to follow me on both for now!

Not much other news - getting ready to move - 2 and a half weeks! Our big going-away party is this weekend. Grampa is coming out to lend a hand while we get the final things all ready to go. Holy crap, it's really happening!

My favorite latest Lucy conversation:

"Mama, how are we alive?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know, I mean, what is it that makes us be alive?"

Anyone out there have a good answer for that one?

The Ranch Revisited

I used to work on another blog about my childhood on a religious commune in Oregon. I have lately been thinking about continuing that blog while I'm waiting for school to begin. Recent events in Texas have given me fodder for my re-introduction to that blog, so I would like to point you, my few but dedicated and valued readers, to my other blog.

http://www.bluest-one.blogspot.com

Another Good Reason for Me to go to PA School

My husband just super-glued his thumb together after slicing it open. With Super Glue.

Down Ovary!

I am home after a very short stay in the hospital whereupon an ovary plus growth plus fallopian tube were yanked from my insides. The surgery went very well, textbook they said, and I'm home resting (un)comfortably. I have the unfortunate biology that doesn't get any good feelings from percocet (pain pills), aside from the actual killing of the pain, which is a good feeling, don't get me wrong - but i also get extremely nauseous and dizzy. So, today, 2 days after the yanking of the said parts, I'm weaning myself off the percocet. I keep telling myself I'll take one because I'm in pain, but then i remember the nausea and dizziness and I am postponing as much as I can. It's 12:42.

I haven't pooped since Wednesday, which is the day I spent in the bathroom with the euphemistic "bowel prep kit" which sounds much more fun than it is.

It's Saturday.

So, long story short - growth = gone. Hurray! Growth = benign. Double Hurray! Belly = yucky pain and bloating :( Pills = nausea and dizziness but no pain - a wash. Flowers on my doorstep, phone calls from friends, and being waited on hand and foot = a wonderful side effect to surgery. Thank you all for the love and support.

Proud and Mushy

First, I want to catch up on the ovary thing - I had my visit with the oncologist. I really liked him and feel very reassured that what I have is not cancer. He seemed quite positive based on blood tests, pt history, etc. On the other hand, he felt fairly certain that he would have to remove my entire ovary while he was in there. It won't affect my fertility (well, by 1/2 it will, but in the long run, whatever) or hormones, it's just a little jarring to have my girl-parts removed. I will miss you, little Right-y!

I will be in for surgery on April 10. Wish me luck, i'm quite nervous.

On Sunday, it just so happened to be Easter Sunday, which we don't celebrate or observe in any real way, Lucy, Todd, and I went out for Brunch at our very favorite local haunt. (http://www.stclouds.com). On our way, an older gent with a grizzly white beard and ratty clothes approached us. He seemed friendly and obviously homeless. He gave us a long story which amounted of course to being hungry and without money. We listened to him and told him that we would bring him some food after our breakfast if he was still around.

Through breakfast, Lucy had many questions. Does that man have no house? Does he live on the street? When we told her about the mean world and how sometimes no matter what people do, things happen to them where they end up without money and without a house and they need our help, the help of people who have money and houses. People who are lucky like us. She was so thoughtful about this. She was glad we would bring him food and she insisted on drawing a picture for him, too.

She said, "When I go home, I will get my piggy bank and count the money in it and bring it to him."
"When we move to Connecticut, that man can have our house."

The thing that was so amazing about her response was that it came from a place of love and compassion. Totally. There was no guilt or remorse or discomfort or pretense or fear in her response. She had generous concern for the welfare of this man. In her heart she knew that she wanted to make him feel better.

When we were done with our lunch, we went out in the rain with a boxed veggie omelette breakfast. The man was still out there on the street, and he was clearly grateful for the food. But I think he was more grateful for the way Lucy talked to him, openly and again without pretense or fear. She said she wanted to draw him a picture. He looked so genuinely pleased by her presence as he squatted low to hear what she had to say. I think it was this interaction between them that meant more to him than the simple gesture of food.

How I love that little being!

On and Ovaries

So, I've been kinda busy with, well, nothing. It's hard to remember to blog when life has no exact rhythm and is more up and down and focus-free. Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed it, and I've remained somehow completely busy, but it's not the same as having a predictable (though stressful) school or work schedule.

That said, I'm also having some freaky health issues. Those of you who have known me for some time know that I've had this silly ovarian cyst for years. In fact, I went the ER on my wedding night 5 years ago to find out what the pain in the abdomen was. I've been following it with a gynecologist since that time and recently went for a formal followup ultrasound. Long story short, it is now classified as a "complex, septated ovarian mass", which means that there are walls (septations) and that it has some fluid-filled and some solid compartments. New to this ultrasound, they ran a doppler and found that there is blood flow to the mass. These things are not good.

So I have to get it removed.

The gynecologist said i had to see an oncologist, which is the first thing that made me freak out. Of course, the word oncology being synonymous with cancer and certain death, I began to mentally plot out my funeral and make arrangements for Lucy and Todd's care (what, you think they take care of themselves?) Then the earliest the oncologist could get me in was April 10, over a month away, and the earliest they could schedule surgery would probably be mid-May, perilously close to our departure date.

I freaked out.

When I calmed myself down, I managed to remember (with Todd's help) that I have connections in the Medical world who could probably point me to someone with more immediate availability. I called Dr. C and she recommended this guy who is apparently top dog around here in gynecological oncology and he is getting me in tomorrow for the consult and April 10 for the surgery. Phew.

I am going back and forth between being relatively secure that this thing is benign and totally freaking out and trying to figure out how long chemo treatment will last and what other treatment I will have to endure... I will keep you posted, but I do think chances are good in my favor. My age, the fact that I have carried a child, the lack of ovarian cancer in my family and the family history non-malignant ovarian growths (my mom) all play out in my favor. But there is always a chance (furiously knocking on wood).

Other than that, our move date looms near.... 2.5 months to go! We fly out to New Haven in a couple weeks to sign for our house and register Lucy for school (she got into the good school we liked... Hurray for public school!)

I got this awesome xtracycle attached to my bike (http://www.xtracycle.com) and there are some ape-hanger handlebars so Lucy can ride on it. It rocks! New Haven is relatively flat so I imagine that Lucy and I will make many bike trips here and there and I will certainly ride to school when weather permits.

I am beginning to grow deeply sad about leaving the life I've made for myself here in Seattle for the past 14 years and don't know whether or not we will return... we just might! My friends, kung fu, small things like the restaurants I go to and the parks we play in... *sigh*

But, there are many things I'm looking forward to in New Haven. Having a built-in community of friends is pretty amazing - Joe, Sarj, and Lisa will all be there. My dad close by... it will be pretty great.

Corrections

I read it on the internets so it must be true!

Well, I just wanted to correct my previous blog on 2 counts. Shannon Harps's (the stabbing victim) killer was found and arrested.
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2004145603_webharps25m.html

There were two men shot at Philly's - only the owner was killed. The other man, presumably a customer but possibly an employee, is in critical condition at Harborview.

Where's my handbasket?

I just got back from Kung Fu where I learned that the new owner of Philly's Best, the sandwich institution on 23rd and Union was shot dead at 11:45 am yesterday in the shop. I don't know what I find most alarming about this. He is the second owner of the shop to be shot dead - the previous owner was killed 4 years ago in a robbery, I believe. This was not a robbery, apparently, it was personal.

The killer was on a rampage - first he went to his girlfriend's apartment and shot the place up, nobody was there. Then, he had some beef with the Philly's guy and so went straight there and killed him and a customer. In the late morning, broad daylight, weekday, right before the lunch rush.

One month ago, a young woman almost exactly my age was carrying groceries to her apartment on Capitol Hill, the wacky east-village-like white ghetto of Seattle. A man came up to her, stabbed her to death amidst her screams and before witnesses, ran off and was not ever caught. This death deeply affected me. I could be that woman. I lived on Capitol Hill for many years and have always wanted to move back there, I love the hill. I would not think twice of being on the street at 7 pm alone and unarmed.

This woman's death has brought a new sincerity to my kung fu training. I have always questioned myself, would I truly be able to defend myself against an assailant? Would I have the stomach to rip someone's eyes out, break their knees, their nose? I could never picture it, no, that's not it, I could never FEEL it. When I read about the woman on Capitol Hill, I knew that i could. I KNOW that I could. That I would fight against an assailant with all the tools that I have.

I bring that to my training now. When I practice street-fighting techniques, it no longer feels like playacting. I can feel the results of my attacks without it actually occurring. When I elbow someone's jaw (with friendly contact), I feel it breaking. I feel myself smashing it in, and instead of feeling frightened or disgusted, I feel empowered. I know that I have some tools to help me against an attacker.

i also realize the fragility of my body against any attacker who is on drugs or is carrying weapons or has friends. I know that my little body stands little chance against many things and I also know that I am likely to lose a real fight that befalls me. I also know that I will have the spirit to say to an attacker, YOU PICKED THE WRONG BITCH TO FUCK WITH TODAY and i will fight them with all the tools that I have. That woman's death reminds me of that fighting spirit.

I am scared that so many violent and horrific things are happening so close to me, all around me. I am terrified for Lucy and the world that sometimes seems so uncaring and upside-down. I am grateful for the tools I have, but I am never going to stop getting new tools, new weapons, new abilities to protect myself and my family. The world may seem like it's going to hell in a handbasket right now, but I am going to do what I can to keep it a good and safe place for me and my family to live.

My thoughts are with the families of the victims tonight and my heart goes out to all of them.

Shiva

While I was in Connecticut scoping out kindergartens for Lucy, I learned that my beloved companion of 13 + years was killed by some sort of wild creature in the neighborhood.

Shiva has been with me longer than anyone I know, - 13 years, minus the few he spent with my brother while I went to college. He was adopted by Todd, who loved him as much as I did.

I got him when he was a sickly but wily little orange kitten. He had a cold of some sort that lasted for so long that it scarred his tear ducts and was plagued his entire life with a drippy eye. It was because of this that I became interested in nutrition and supplements (for pets) which led to my general interest in nutrition and health, which in turn leads me to where I am today.

He slept on my pillow when he was tiny and gradually grew and grew until he took over the whole thing and I had to get one of my own. He slept next to me until Lucy was born at which point he took a hiatus from the screaming and then from the bouncing and general loudness of children. He recently began to join me in bed again each night even if just for a quick scratch and purrfest.

He wasn't too crazy about the new addition we got to the family last year, either. Stellaluna tamed him, and though he pretended to merely tolerate her, but I knew he secretly loved her.

Though he was a curmudgeon, he always knew when I was sad or sick and came to sit and cuddle with me. He killed MANY rats since moving in here and left them partially eaten or intact as lovely gifts. I joked that the rats had an uprising and ultimately got him back in the end. You never know...

He began to become more ornery of late, pissing on the oven when we were too slow in feeding him. Though impatient about food, he also became more affectionate as he grew older. Sitting with us on the couch to get scratched and to fart.

I miss him terribly. I loved him as a real member of my family and it is hard for me to come home without his warm greeting.