I've been going through quite a rigamarole just to get to volunteer at Harborview. First, I had to fill out a huge application which included a criminal background check and 2 letters of reference. About a month later, I got called in for an interview, no problem. Then 3 weeks after that, I had to attend a 2 and a half hour Harborview volunteer orientation at which point we went over my vaccination record and I got a TB scratch test.

The nurse that looked at my records noted that all the dates given for my vaccinations were estimates. Due to the fact that I grew up on a commune in oregon (see http://bluest-one.blogspot.com) and then moved around a lot, I don't have the foggiest idea of my vaccination records' whereabouts. Anyway, she was a tight-ass and grilled me about it. It's at the nurse's discretion whether or not they will accept the estimate or force you to get a titer blood test, and I could see this lady was not letting me off the hook.

"So, even though it was a commune, they didn't feel it was important to track your medical vaccination records?!"

Seriously. Can you believe this woman actually asked me this? I mean, not only was it a fucking COMMUNE in the middle of nowhere, but it's been extinct for 20 years. Seriously.

I told her no, but that i had obtained records before I attended my first college, and that i was certain i'd been vaccinated.

No dice.

So then, she does the scratch test, and because of my "checkered" past (again, seriously, 20 years ago), she wants me to undergo a second TB scratch test just to make sure, because "most encounters with TB occur in group living situations". Did she not understand that 20 years ago was, uh, 20 years ago!!!

So then I had to go in a couple days later to get that checked out and get blood drawn. Then I have to go in again on Wednesday to get the second scratch test and then go in two days after that to get the second test checked. And I haven't even been assigned my position yet!!!

I'm thinking I'll be in the burn research unit (yay, i get to wear salmon scrubs), but I won't know until all this rigamarole is done.

So, I've been busy with that. And realizing that studying for the MCAT before I've even taken any Physics yet (I start in January) is pretty much INSANE. I'm thinking I'll just skip the Physics portions, or blow through them as quickly as I can, and then come back to them after I've done some of the class. Probably not a bad idea.

And still trying to keep the house clean, do the laundry, do the shopping, take care of Lucy. Oh yeah, and get ready for my imminent black belt test. I did decide that it's insane to try to take pilates classes. I'm going to the gym when I can and going to class when I can, but seriously. There is not enough time in the day.

I've "night-weaned" lucy this week - no nursing after bedtime until after the alarm goes off. It's been hard some nights, great some nights, but definitely getting better. But her transitions are always difficult and true to form, she has been a complete and total NIGHTMARE this week (except today - she was delightful for most of today, just 2 or 3 short-lived fits).

I'm usually insanely patient with her, but i LOST it on her last Thursday. She'd been yelling at me about this and that all afternoon and I told her if she kept it up I was going to lose it. She kept it up.

I SCREAMED so loud, i don't even remember what i said. I kind of walked away from her, but there was no mistaking how pissed off I was. There was also a lot of swearing.

When I came back to her, I asked her whether that scared her a little when I yelled. She said yes and I said that I was sorry that she got scared, but the way she felt when I yelled like that was how she has been making me feel by yelling at me all afternoon (I was still pissed)

Then I went to kung fu.

It wasn't my shining moment of motherhood.

But it was reality.

I'm tired, I'm working hard, I feel exhausted, and I haven't even started school yet.

What am I thinking?!

Toils of toilets

So, i'm getting a little pushy about it, so what... I mean, i've had a very laissez-faire attitude towards potty training thus far, but with her third birthday rapidly approaching and absolutely NO sign of any interest in going pee or poop in the potty, I'm beginning to doubt my non-intrusive potty training methods. Don't get me wrong, she HAS peed in the potty. A handful of times. Starting around a year ago and then completely ceasing altogether. She peed in the potty to much raucous applause about two months ago, and since then not an inkling of interest.

She has cute Hello Kitty underpants that she has worn a handful of times, but she peed in them a couple times (after holding it for quite a long time and never wanting to use the potty) and since then has not even wanted to wear them. She has cute training pants and REALLY doesn't want to use those. I have offered her bribes - 3 stamps in a book for each poop in the potty and 1 stamp for each pee, upon collecting 20 stamps, she will get a roundhouse for her trains. The first time she poops in the potty, she will get a Diesel (one of the Thomas characters). She's super excited about the stuff, all of it, but absolutely does not want to pee or poop in the potty. She has not earned a single stamp.

How can someone who says, "I don't like it when you keep telling me that (about going to the potty) over and over again. It's starting to make me a little bit mad," NOT want to go in the potty. I don't get it.
I asked her, "Does that make you feel too pressured?"
"Yes, I'm not ready to go in the potty!"

Sheesh.

So I decided to do this MCAT class online and all my class materials arrived yesterday. Holy shit, i have a stack of books a mile high, and this is just REVIEW, people, i mean, seriously.... I'm in for it.

I still haven't had the 3 hours to do the "mcat diagnostic" so i can't even really start yet, but I'm doing it tomorrow afternoon. Todd's taking lucy out in the afternoon and i'm gonna just do it, no matter how ridiculously stupid i feel. So there. Then i can actually start studying. I have just over 6 months to get ready. Might *just* be enough time.

Meanwhile, I'm getting excited to start volunteering at Harborview. I have an orientation on Wednesday afternoon, and after that I'll probably start pretty soon. I also have an application in to volunteer at an abortion clinic, so i might actually do both - 1 day at each place.

I sent out an e-mail to a local listserv - MadronaMoms, for moms in our neighborhood - to ask if anyone was an MD, ND, NP, or PA and a mom and if they would be willing to talk to me about it. I got over 20 responses!! and mostly from MDs. I seriously can't believe how many doctors live in this neighborhood and who are willing to talk to me. I'm meeting with one next week who has mentored people in my situation before, so that should be helpful. I'm also particularly excited to talk to one woman who e-mailed me and is a 2nd year med student with a 1 year old and was very enthusiastic.

I've heard a lot of "you have to really want it" (duh) and "it's hard work, but worth it" type rhetoric (kind of like what people tell you before you have a child) - but this was the first person who actually seemed excited about the PROCESS, which really is just as important to me as the end product. I mean, i'm not going to suffer through 2 years of prereq's, the MCAT, 4 years of med school, 3+ years of residency if i'm not enjoying myself in the meantime, right? Anyway...

So that's where that's at.

Yesterday in advanced class at KF, Laurie taught this esoteric energy class - i got there late, so i had to jump right in, which was certainly difficult... but then... we partnered up. I partnered with Clayton, we were to sit facing each other, about a foot between us and just look at each other. No judging, just taking in each other's energy and not having any thoughts about them or letting our thoughts go. Well, i have to say, i couldn't keep it together. It's like when you're a kid - you go to church (not in my case, but satsang on the commune had a similar effect - http://bluest-one.blogspot.com) and you just can't stop laughing.

I felt so incredibly disrespectful to Laurie, but i couldn't control myself. Finally, I took a deep breath and stared at his shoulders. If I don't look at his face, i told myself, i would be able to not laugh. How hard could it be? So slowly my eyes meandered up to his face, which was also cracking up and I lost it all over again. *sigh* Well, it was good to have a laugh...

Then he partnered with Tristan and I partnered with Dave. Now THEY were laughing and that made me laugh. But more or less, i was able to control myself the second time. Seriously.

Fun class, though. I stayed on for conditioning (i need it!) and regular class, i love having that long class. Once i get going, i feel like i could train all night. I almost stayed on afterwards, but i was hungry.

Lucy had a great week at daycare all week. I don't know what to do with that child. Just when you think you know someone...

I'd better be off - a zillion things to do before she wakes up.

Later... Forgot to mention 2 things
1. Did pilates. It was great. There were things that everyone in that class was doing that I not only could not do, but there was no sign of there ever being a hint of a point in time in the future in which i might be able to do them. But it was good. And my body did feel good. And then I got a massage from Katy, so i felt real good.

2. You have to read my friend's blog from yesterday (9/14). And whenever you think your family is nuts....http://nothingwittyleft.blogspot.com/
Holy. Fucking. shit.

The Calm After the Storm

So, after yesterday's initial dramatic entry to daycare, Lucy had one of her best days ever there - so I'm told by the daycare owner. She didn't cry at all after I left. Not only that, but daycare Jenny came over for the first time last night to babysit so Todd and i could go to Kung Fu and she had a GREAT time. (Background on this: Jenny has not been there usually on Lucy's days - Leah, the other assistant is always there - one time Jenny was there and she was not forewarned. All hell broke loose and from that day on, Lucy never wanted to see Jenny and would completely melt down when she saw her unexpectedly) Anyway, i think it was good for both of them - Apparently Jenny said to todd that "she is a completely different girl when she's not at daycare".

This kind of makes me swing both ways here - she had a good day at daycare and now likes Jenny. But it is clear that she is a different girl when not at daycare and I wonder what's right for her. I'm keeping her there for this month just to see how it goes, but in the meantime i'm looking for the perfect nanny. It might even just be good to get her daycare days down to two and get a one-on-one or one-on-two share for another day, so it's more even. Just thinking here... In any case, this morning there were but two or three perfunctory and obligatory "i don't want to go to daycare"s, but without any real emotion behind it. And when we got there, she got right into the routine and didn't even notice when we left. PHEW!!

I signed up for an online MCAT class - I was going to to a classroom review class, but the only one that fit the schedule would have eaten up my entire Sunday afternoon, and this way i can do it on my own time, when Lucy's in daycare so i can spend some of my weekend with my family. The class thus far is very annoying - you have to do these long "diagnostic" tests before you start - they have an "increase your score" guarantee and they compare it to the diagnostic test - some guarantee - i haven't reviewed anything and i have to take these ridiculous tests that make me feel like a complete moron since i haven't taken the classes in 5-10 years (if ever - i haven't taken physics yet - i'm pretty much guessing on all those questions)

I'm going to take the 3 hour MCAT diagnostic today *sigh* - I took only the "science" diagnostics, now i have to do more science and all the rest... WTF?! and THEN i can finally start reviewing. Retarded.

Had great KF classes last night - Todd and I went to regular class at SK (our school) - Sifu taught and it was a great class. Fun warmup (LOTS of kicking, man i really need to get my kicks back in order) followed by takedown punch counters. I worked with Todd on the takedowns, which was great, nice to feel like i can take a big guy down.

Then i rushed off to 7 star's Black/Brown class - I am always humbled in that group - we have very few advanced belts, so at this point i'm kind of a big fish at the school - in the 7 star class i'm very junior, i learn a lot from those ladies. We did sticky hands - with joint locks, unbalancing/takedowns, yielding, then we did bunkai on a wun hop form (we did limpo), then we did sticky hands wun hop style, then we did a really fun drill where one partner would kick the other and the other would try to get joint locks, yield or a takedown (slowly, of course). I partnered with Sifu Michelle, who is always great to partner with, very encouraging - which is good for me (i need encouragement!!). Then we did sticky hands incorporating all those other things. FUN!

I really enjoy doing those advanced classes, but I also feel very humbled (no, not humiliated) and not at all ready for black belt. I could wait another year...

Tonight is Sigung's stick class, but Todd is doing a golf tournament with his company, so he probably won't be back in time for either of us to go... That's OK, tomorrow I'm planning on self-training and trying a pilates class.

OK, well, at this point I'm just procrastinating the 15 item list that I have for today and tomorrow... here goes.

One of Those Days

You know those days, the ones you tend to call "just one of those days", well...

First, Lucy collapsed into sobs upon learning it was a daycare day. Throughout the two hours of getting ready - diapers, getting dressed, my shower, fixing breakfast, more diapers, nursing - there was the constant interjection of "I DON'T WANNA GO TO DAYCARE!" and "can we read some books before we go?" "can we nurse from both boobs before we go?" "I'm just playing with my trains for a few minutes first" "can we I DON'T WANNA GO TO DAYCARE!"

We finally got loaded up into the car and she sobbed the whole way to daycare, wailing "I WANT TO STAY WITH YOU TOAY MAMAAAAA!" When we got into daycare, it was the usual morning dropoff chaos, a boy a little older than lucy was crying for his daddy, and somebody had taken a REALLY stinky poop that was filling the whole house with an unbelievable stench. Lucy added to the chaos her own brand of sadness and it was a complete picture. She seemed ok when i left, though, distracted by talking about Octopuses - she has new octopus shoes she was proud to show off and she told Kathy about the big octopus she saw at the aquarium "yesterday" (the generic word for something that happened before today) and they have eight long arms called tentacles!

So I needed the gym after that. I had packed my bag so i was ready to go - i got down there, found a parking space and went inside. Got down to the lockers, changed, got my iPod ready and then looked for my shoes. SHIT! I forgot my gym shoes. Not only that, but the little scrap of paper that has my workout on it seems to have been lost. I'm lost without it, but I suppose i'll manage somehow.

Well, i needed new shoes anyway, so I decided to go up to the Running Company and get a new pair, forgetting about my freakishly small feet and the impossibility of finding shoes at a store (thank god for zappos.com). I walk in, tell the guy my size and he says, "hmmm.... lets see what we have..." and comes out with 3 boxes! "You found something!" I exclaim, but he pulls out a size 5 and a half and two size 6 pairs... i try them on to humor him, he tries to convince me that i need 3/4 of an inch past my big toe, i thank him and leave.

Another errand, as long as i'm on the hill - we need a new sleeper couch and there's a sleep store up on Pine. I go in and check it out. They have 3 sleeper couches - one that's incredibly hard and uncomfortable as a sleeper and as a sofa and two that are ok as sofas but terrible beds. OY!

0 for 3

I came home.

My first day off and I'm not getting anything done.

Perhaps I'll go for a bike ride or something
And make my MCAT study plan and start studying Physics
And finish washing the sheets, make the beds, clean the kitchen and ...
And find a nanny
and sign up for the AWMAI conference and 7 star weekend

And so forth

And it's already noon!

At least tonight i have regular class and then black/brown class at 7 star.

The Wheel Keeps Turning, Can't Slow Down

So after a week or so of freaking out about my decisions, I've finally calmed down and am excited about the whole med school prospect again. As I said before, I'm just going one step at a time, can't wait to start volunteering so that I can get some hands on experience and see for myself
A. what's out there aside from being a doctor
and
B. Whether or not working in medicine is really for me.

I daydream about it all day. Down to thoughts of wearing the dorky short white coat that students wear and having my very own stethoscope. *sigh*.

Clayton's going to help me with yet another résumé so i can get another volunteer application in to the abortion clinic.

Meanwhile, I have to figure out something workable for Lucy's care. She's in daycare right now, but after 6 months, she still dreads going, and has long crying jags throughout the day, in addition to the usual crying fits she has when i leave her. It's horrible, as much for me as for her i think. Even though daycare has been closed for 2 weeks, she still wakes up every morning and the first thing she asks is, "is it a daycare day?" and when I say no, she goes on with her day in a jolly way, but tomorrow I dread the question and have to cheerfully say YES and I know she will cry about it and and and....

I just think that she does better in a smaller group or one-on-one, so even though I know she will miss her daycare friends, I think she will be happier overall if we find a nanny instead, at least for some of the time. I will just have to make sure that she gets enough socializing in other ways because she really is social and she really does love her friends. I hate to split her up from Kita, but that is the way of things...

Jennifer, who used to train with us at kung fu might be a workable nanny, but we haven't been able to work out a time for her to come over and meet with us and see how lucy is with her to see if it would work, which in itself is a sketchy thing, just because, well, if she has no time to even meet with us, how will she have time to work for us... but she had doggie problems, so hopefully that will be resolved and all will be well. I've never had to shop for a nanny before, it's kind of a scary prospect. I've been trolling craigslist to no avail so far, but...

Ach.

Tomorrow though, on happier notes, is a daycare day, which for me means going to the gym, taking care of myself and having my first day to myself in what seems like a million years. I had all last weekend to myself, so i don't know what i'm bitching about, but this week was hard with daycare closed and Todd went away for a couple days and lucy was a particular monster this week (well, she had EXTREME ups and downs this week, i should say, she was a wonderful fun angel on Friday, for example...)

I have decided that while I will still be going to the gym, my big fitness focus isn't about strength or even cardio training for the test, i feel i get that from just doing the kung fu, but i think I will do some pilates - i really want to make sure my core is strong, work on my posture and balance and make my back NOT HURT. I really think pilates will help. So maybe i'll try to do that tomorrow...

I tested for my brown belt 6 months ago, so I'm just waiting waiting waiting for the axe to drop and that date for my test to be set....

Also, we have a sitter coming over tomorrow evening (Jenny from daycare - giving her a try, also to get lucy used to her...) so that Todd and I can both go to Kung Fu, which is a RARE occurrence. Should be fun. Then I rush off to the other kung fu school to go to their brown/black class... by the end of tomorrow i'll miss lucy so much i won't want to bring her to kung fu on tuesday :(

Enough for today.

Just getting started

So, I've decided to blog this current year... I have big changes ahead, some huge goals, some challenges, and hopefully a whole lot of fun.

I am thinking about medical school. Am I completely insane?! I'm 31, i have to take Physics and the MCAT (this spring for the MCAT, Physics all year long), which means that I can apply in the Spring for Fall 2008. I will 33 and my daughter will be almost 5. Which means that I will be finished with medical school and residency when I'm 40. And Lucy is 12 or 13. Oy! Yes, I am certainly crazy.

But I've been rotating around this one for a long time. I know I love science. I know i love learning about the human body and Physiology and its chemistry. And that I would be good at it. Goddammit, I KNOW I would be good at it. I keep trying to talk myself into other things that would be less demanding, or at least less all-at-once-and-for-fucking-ever. Like Nurse Practitioner - it's just NOT the body of knowledge that I want to have. Naturopath - not enough clinical practice. I'd feel unprepared. I thought about research - i NEED to work with people. So... I keep coming back to this.

Did I mention i have a toddler/preschooler at home? Not to mention, a very high-energy little girl who loves her mama and needs her a lot. And I love her and need her, too! I know it will be hard, but I also really know that I need to do something that makes me feel fulfilled, and also to show her that she can do whatever she wants, even if she comes to it late or from a "nontraditional" place. I love her more than I can possibly say and our relationship is so important to me, I am very worried that our relationship will suffer when I'm overloaded with studies or in long rotations where I am missing out on big events in her life. Not to mention my relationship with my (as yet) very supportive Todd. If my relationships suffer too much, I will put it off or change my direction, it is that important to me. But...

And then there is the thing of my martial arts. I am a brown belt in Kajukenbo/Chuan Fa Kung Fu, it has taken me about 8 years to get here and I am very focused on my training. Kung Fu is what gives me the power and energy to get through all the rest of my life right now and I don't know if I could stand to lose it. But I try not to think about that right now, there are 2 years where I will only be in school part-time and will be able to continue my training completely. If I am in med school, I will need the balancing effects of my training to remain sane, but I will certainly not have time for it, especially once i get to residency. But of course, I am thinking far far ahead of myself.

First things first, getting in... Oy again!

I am going to be taking an MCAT class starting in October. Considering I won't have had any Physics until January, that should be quite interesting :/
Then Physics in Spring and Summer, finishing out the year
Biochemistry in Fall and Winter of the next year
I am going to take the MCAT in May and begin the application process, which consists of
Sending in the application to AMCAS for my selected schools and waiting for requests for secondary applications
Sending in secondary applications to the schools that request them, which will include my beautifully crafted letter of intent and letters of reference from Very Important People.
Then I will wait until someone requests an interview. At which point I will go out and buy a suit and get a haircut (and lip and chin wax... tee hee)
I will wow them at the interviews with my stunning wit and thorough knowledge of their academic program.
Then I will wait.
And wait.
And check the mail.
And wait some more.
And hope against hope that I don't get on a waitlist for a school that could call me 2 weeks before school starts to get me AND MY FAMILY to move out of state. (C'mon, you don't think I'd actually get into UW, do you?!)

So, that's the plan.

Meanwhile, though no date for my black belt test has been set, my brown was in March and I expect to be testing for black sometime next Spring. So I am starting big big training now. Right now, I'm going to class as much as I can, teaching a bit, self training once a week, going to the gym once/twice a week, and working on some hardcore stuff with some other advanced belts twice a month. At least that's the plan.

Just got back from PAWMA last weekend, it was awesome as usual. I am awestruck and inspired by the myriad of women who have devoted so much of their lives to martial arts training and to sharing their arts with other women. I love PAWMA. I love spending 3-4 days training 6 hours a day, getting tastes of other arts and meeting other women who are as passionate about sharing their arts as I am. I'm still high from the experience.

Which gets me back to: am i completely insane?! Part of me thinks I should can the whole med school thing, pursue my kung fu training, and someday open my own school. But I get as lit up from learning, from studying, as I do from learning my kung fu. I wish there were 2 of me sometimes.

My current plan is to move forward on the whole med school thing and do what i need to do for that. I am going to be volunteering at Harborview, starting soon, and I will be taking that opportunity to see what it's like to work in a hospital, and to find out if there are other health care possibilities that excite me, or whether I really feel compelled to be doctor, which is what i think now - I know there is a lot of glory that i'm casting over the idea of becoming a doctor, and I want to make sure that is not what is compelling me to do it. Working in the hospital for a while should let me know that, I think.

And I have 2 years to train in kung fu with all that i have.

I am scared. I am excited. But I am scared.