Well, the countdown continues. 5 weeks and 4 days until my black belt test. Did you hear me, FIVE WEEKS AND FOUR DAYS!!!! Holy man.
My Mondays are pretty much all about training - I do about an hour of self-training at the school, followed by an hour of death-training with the trainer at the gym. Then, Physics, then in the evening 1 - 2 hours of kung fu class, and once a month (last night) there is brown/black belt class at 7 star which I also attend. I was VERY tired when I came home last night. I'm upping my personal training for the rest of this month to 2x/week. It's really helping with my conditioning, I can't imagine trying to do this without help!
On the upside - the test is at the beginning of the Summer, which means I get to show off my finely-tuned machine of a body for the remainder of swimsuit season. :)
There are only 3 more weeks left of the quarter - one more exam and then the final. I think I did pretty well on that last exam, but I won't know until tomorrow.
Tonight my dad arrives for 2 weeks! I'm very excited, as is Lucy. I told her she could stay up late and wait for him to arrive, so long as she has a nap at school today. Hurray for grampas and free babysitters! Heh.
I have been working hard on my AMCAS application (the central application for medical school). I have a pretty reasonable rough draft of my personal statement, which is the hard part. I have filled out *most* of the rest of it - now it's just a matter of fine-tuning and then of course waiting until August 20 to take my MCAT.
I've been feeling so committed to getting into medical school, that I realized that if i don't get in, I will be devastated.... let's not go there.
My Summer is going to be crazy. I think I will have to quit or at least minimize the clinic, which makes me utterly sad. But I need to do everything I can to crank the MCAT. I am so looking forward to that being over...
Well, time for me to get Grampa's bed and room ready.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Friday, May 11, 2007
The Ego Gets a Stroke
In the clinic the other day, Dr. C took me aside to aske me what *I* thought about the other student - a Nurse Practitioner student who is doing a rotation in the peds clinic. Me, a premed with absolutely no training (yet). I gave her my opinion - basically that the student is nice, but that she relies mainly on her knowledge of text, follows the form she wants to fill out, and doesn't listen to the experience of the parents. This is clearly frustrating for parents, which (when she's taking a history) is usually when i step in basically to repeat something a parent said.
Anyway, Dr. C completely agreed with me and told me she was glad it wasn't just her, (there were some other things that bothered her as well) and she was going to have a talk with her.
*puffs chest out with pride*
I just felt like she really trusted my opinion and also that she viewed me as a capable person in the medical field. Hurray!
It's nice to get noticed.
Also, I sort of kicked my Physics test's ass today. Well, maybe not, but it felt pretty OK. It's so hard to tell.
Lucy is calling me, "I'm ready for you mama!!!!!" Time to put the little booger to bed.
Anyway, Dr. C completely agreed with me and told me she was glad it wasn't just her, (there were some other things that bothered her as well) and she was going to have a talk with her.
*puffs chest out with pride*
I just felt like she really trusted my opinion and also that she viewed me as a capable person in the medical field. Hurray!
It's nice to get noticed.
Also, I sort of kicked my Physics test's ass today. Well, maybe not, but it felt pretty OK. It's so hard to tell.
Lucy is calling me, "I'm ready for you mama!!!!!" Time to put the little booger to bed.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
More Angry Moments
Lucy: I'm mad!
Papa: Why are you so mad?
Lucy: Because mama drank my FRICKIN' water!
Papa: Why are you so mad?
Lucy: Because mama drank my FRICKIN' water!
Sunday, May 06, 2007
New Forms of Protest
I walked in to the house yesterday to find my daughter bare-bottomed.
"What happened to your pants?"
"I was so mad, I took off my pants."
"Oh."
"What happened to your pants?"
"I was so mad, I took off my pants."
"Oh."
Monday, April 30, 2007
The bipolar nature of being me
I went to a medical school info session at my local med school of choice. It was really exciting! (No, i am being serious... i'm excited). The first half was a description of the curriculum here, which is really innovative and well-suited to me. Lots of small group learning and opportunities to work with underserved populations. I got all jittery thinking of myself as a medical student - imagining myself as one of those students, an actual member of a medical team. I'm all gooey about it.
The second half of the session was an admissions person describing what it takes to get in. As she went over everything, I began to feel comfortable, like yes, i am an extremely desirable candidate. I have good academic records, solid clinical experience, a long work history, an interesting background, etc. etc. Then at the Q & A at the end, I asked about Evergreen and what would be done with my transcripts.
(For those of you who don't know me personally, I went to the Evergreen State College as an undergrad. It is an alternative school, which focuses on collaborative interdisciplinary studies and also offers no grades. Students are given comprehensive written evaluations from each of their professors instead.)
I was essentially told that my transcripts would be ignored and that they would calculate a GPA estimate based on my MCAT scores. YIKES! Way to put double pressure on my MCAT!!!! That also means that they will ignore all the excellent grades I've gotten SINCE Evergreen - and the MCAT will be the only thing quantified - at least in the first round of the application process until they get to the interviews, assuming i make it that far.
Holy shit! I'd better get cracking.
So, yeah, that changes my focus a little. I mean, i still want to ace Physics and all the classes that follow, but I really need to start cracking down on MCAT studies NOW.
That's what I'm doing right now, by the way. :)
Lucy is no longer a nursling! The weaning process was SO much easier than I'd anticipated. We started a little over a week ago, I said she could get a Mater (truck from "Cars") when we went down to 2 times a day. That was relatively painless. Then on Friday night, I told her about Sally (Porsche from "Cars" - yes, i had a stash) - she could get Sally when we went down to one time a day. When she realized there were more cars to be had, she said she was ready to stop nursing, so I got out Doc and Lightening.
She fussed a little at bed time that night but i cuddled with her and told her that I knew it was really hard to make that decision and that she could nurse if she wanted to and I would put the cars away until she was ready. She wanted the cars more than nursing and so contented to snuggle.
There have been a couple moments like that, but she is seemingly at peace with no nursing! I thought I'd feel a little sad about it, but I'm so proud of her and I'm really just excited to move out of that phase of life. It'll be nice to have my boobs back to myself.
I know a lot of people question the fact that we nursed so long, but first I would like to say, well, basically, it's none of your business and so there. But since I just made it your business by writing about it publicly, I would just like to say that there is no other choice I would have made with this child. I have an incredibly attached, intelligent, articulate, and sensitive child who is also amazingly INDEPENDENT.
In many children, nursing is the only time they stop, settle, and relax. It is also a time to cuddle and connect with mama. We enjoyed that relationship for a long time and I know that if I'd tried to wean a year or even 6 months ago (i often suggested that we would soon stop and got a NOT YET type response) it would be met with terrible resistance and regression, as has been the case with transitions I've attempted to force or speed up with her. I know that we were both ready for this change because (knock wood) it has been absolutely painless. She has been a joy to be around and I think she is really proud of herself for making the decision to stop.
She turns 3 and a half, gets her first haircut (oh man it's cute), and quits nursing all in the same week!
Well back to the books.
The second half of the session was an admissions person describing what it takes to get in. As she went over everything, I began to feel comfortable, like yes, i am an extremely desirable candidate. I have good academic records, solid clinical experience, a long work history, an interesting background, etc. etc. Then at the Q & A at the end, I asked about Evergreen and what would be done with my transcripts.
(For those of you who don't know me personally, I went to the Evergreen State College as an undergrad. It is an alternative school, which focuses on collaborative interdisciplinary studies and also offers no grades. Students are given comprehensive written evaluations from each of their professors instead.)
I was essentially told that my transcripts would be ignored and that they would calculate a GPA estimate based on my MCAT scores. YIKES! Way to put double pressure on my MCAT!!!! That also means that they will ignore all the excellent grades I've gotten SINCE Evergreen - and the MCAT will be the only thing quantified - at least in the first round of the application process until they get to the interviews, assuming i make it that far.
Holy shit! I'd better get cracking.
So, yeah, that changes my focus a little. I mean, i still want to ace Physics and all the classes that follow, but I really need to start cracking down on MCAT studies NOW.
That's what I'm doing right now, by the way. :)
Lucy is no longer a nursling! The weaning process was SO much easier than I'd anticipated. We started a little over a week ago, I said she could get a Mater (truck from "Cars") when we went down to 2 times a day. That was relatively painless. Then on Friday night, I told her about Sally (Porsche from "Cars" - yes, i had a stash) - she could get Sally when we went down to one time a day. When she realized there were more cars to be had, she said she was ready to stop nursing, so I got out Doc and Lightening.
She fussed a little at bed time that night but i cuddled with her and told her that I knew it was really hard to make that decision and that she could nurse if she wanted to and I would put the cars away until she was ready. She wanted the cars more than nursing and so contented to snuggle.
There have been a couple moments like that, but she is seemingly at peace with no nursing! I thought I'd feel a little sad about it, but I'm so proud of her and I'm really just excited to move out of that phase of life. It'll be nice to have my boobs back to myself.
I know a lot of people question the fact that we nursed so long, but first I would like to say, well, basically, it's none of your business and so there. But since I just made it your business by writing about it publicly, I would just like to say that there is no other choice I would have made with this child. I have an incredibly attached, intelligent, articulate, and sensitive child who is also amazingly INDEPENDENT.
In many children, nursing is the only time they stop, settle, and relax. It is also a time to cuddle and connect with mama. We enjoyed that relationship for a long time and I know that if I'd tried to wean a year or even 6 months ago (i often suggested that we would soon stop and got a NOT YET type response) it would be met with terrible resistance and regression, as has been the case with transitions I've attempted to force or speed up with her. I know that we were both ready for this change because (knock wood) it has been absolutely painless. She has been a joy to be around and I think she is really proud of herself for making the decision to stop.
She turns 3 and a half, gets her first haircut (oh man it's cute), and quits nursing all in the same week!
Well back to the books.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Thoughts and Inspiration
As any of you who have been reading my blog know, I've been tormented with whether or not to go to med school. I'm back. I'm forth. I'm in. I'm out... tormented is not an understatement.
Well, I've spent much of the week perusing a blog written by a mother of 3, who after staying at home with her children for several years and never felt quite settled (i'm paraphrasing, but only because I feel so familiar with it), tried and got in to her first choice medical school. The blog chronicles her from her interviews and application process through medical school, where she is MS3 (that med student, third year for the rest of y'all). It tells of the ups and downs, and they are extreme in the process, and I consistently feel like "yes! That's me! I CAN do this! And i WANT to do this!!!"
We'll see how I feel tomorrow. Wait, tomorrow is Kids Clinic, I will certainly feel this way tomorrow :)
I've been drawing parallels between reaching black belt in kung fu and becoming a doctor. Black belt is a goal I've held for 9 years. It always felt like, well, when I get a black belt, that will be huge. I'll know all I need to know - I mean, I never thought I would know all I need to know, but you know... that I will be THERE. Once I realized that I would NEVER know all I needed to know, I was much more open to learning all I could. I think in medicine it will be the same way.
It's easy to think that doctors should be at that place, should know everything. I think that attitude destroys a lot of doctors, makes them feel inadequate. Or many doctors feel that they are there and that makes them arrogant and lousy doctors because of their unwillingness to accept what they don't know.
There is a balance to be found. To know that you can never know enough. To allow that knowledge to keep you open to learning everything you want to know. Constant openness to learning, that's part of what makes a good doctor. One that knows she is not THERE, but relishes that instead of punishing herself.
I walk on either side of that line in kung fu a lot, and I'm sure I will with medicine as well.
/pontification
Got my grade back from the first physics exam. Did much better than expected. Stop laughing.
Overheard from my basement:
Papa drops something
Papa: Shit!
Lucy: Don't say shit. That's not nice. I don't say shit. I DON'T! I don't say shit. I don't say crock of shit either.
Where did she ever even HEAR that one?! Grampa?
Today Lucy is 3 and a half.
Today marks 2 months left until my black belt test. TWO!
p.s. Katy and Tiffany, two great ladies, tested for their orange belts last Thursday night. They were awesome. It was amazing to see how they've progressed, both with each their own strengths and weaknesses, from when they began a little over a year ago. Congratulations orangeys! Where have you been? We have yet to see the new belts ;)
Well, I've spent much of the week perusing a blog written by a mother of 3, who after staying at home with her children for several years and never felt quite settled (i'm paraphrasing, but only because I feel so familiar with it), tried and got in to her first choice medical school. The blog chronicles her from her interviews and application process through medical school, where she is MS3 (that med student, third year for the rest of y'all). It tells of the ups and downs, and they are extreme in the process, and I consistently feel like "yes! That's me! I CAN do this! And i WANT to do this!!!"
We'll see how I feel tomorrow. Wait, tomorrow is Kids Clinic, I will certainly feel this way tomorrow :)
I've been drawing parallels between reaching black belt in kung fu and becoming a doctor. Black belt is a goal I've held for 9 years. It always felt like, well, when I get a black belt, that will be huge. I'll know all I need to know - I mean, I never thought I would know all I need to know, but you know... that I will be THERE. Once I realized that I would NEVER know all I needed to know, I was much more open to learning all I could. I think in medicine it will be the same way.
It's easy to think that doctors should be at that place, should know everything. I think that attitude destroys a lot of doctors, makes them feel inadequate. Or many doctors feel that they are there and that makes them arrogant and lousy doctors because of their unwillingness to accept what they don't know.
There is a balance to be found. To know that you can never know enough. To allow that knowledge to keep you open to learning everything you want to know. Constant openness to learning, that's part of what makes a good doctor. One that knows she is not THERE, but relishes that instead of punishing herself.
I walk on either side of that line in kung fu a lot, and I'm sure I will with medicine as well.
/pontification
Got my grade back from the first physics exam. Did much better than expected. Stop laughing.
Overheard from my basement:
Papa drops something
Papa: Shit!
Lucy: Don't say shit. That's not nice. I don't say shit. I DON'T! I don't say shit. I don't say crock of shit either.
Where did she ever even HEAR that one?! Grampa?
Today Lucy is 3 and a half.
Today marks 2 months left until my black belt test. TWO!
p.s. Katy and Tiffany, two great ladies, tested for their orange belts last Thursday night. They were awesome. It was amazing to see how they've progressed, both with each their own strengths and weaknesses, from when they began a little over a year ago. Congratulations orangeys! Where have you been? We have yet to see the new belts ;)
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Oh no, not again
Just a short rant. Why does physics suck?
2nd quarter. I studied for the first exam AGAIN. I saw the tutor. I felt pretty comfortable and AGAIN i sat down and didn't even recognize what I was looking at.
This SUCKS! Seriously, I feel like I need to constantly be solving physics problems in all my spare time just to figure anything out. I forget instantly how to solve problems the moment I walk away. It's not good.
I'm feeling sorry for myself. Anyway, hopefully others will have felt the same way and the curve will be huge. You never know....
A funny story -
Yesterday, lucy was freaking out about a teeny tiny spider on the wall in the kitchen.
"Get it mama! Get it!"
(Tired morning mama) "Ok, OK, where is it? I don't know if i can get it."
"Papa gets them easy, get it!"
"OK, hang on."
As i reach for the spider with the paper towel and it's skittering around, she shouts, "Get it mama! It's UNSTOPPABLE!"
I'm still laughing about that one.
2nd quarter. I studied for the first exam AGAIN. I saw the tutor. I felt pretty comfortable and AGAIN i sat down and didn't even recognize what I was looking at.
This SUCKS! Seriously, I feel like I need to constantly be solving physics problems in all my spare time just to figure anything out. I forget instantly how to solve problems the moment I walk away. It's not good.
I'm feeling sorry for myself. Anyway, hopefully others will have felt the same way and the curve will be huge. You never know....
A funny story -
Yesterday, lucy was freaking out about a teeny tiny spider on the wall in the kitchen.
"Get it mama! Get it!"
(Tired morning mama) "Ok, OK, where is it? I don't know if i can get it."
"Papa gets them easy, get it!"
"OK, hang on."
As i reach for the spider with the paper towel and it's skittering around, she shouts, "Get it mama! It's UNSTOPPABLE!"
I'm still laughing about that one.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Less is More
So I officially bit off more than I could chew.
I started the 2nd quarter of Organic Chem - I took a quarter of it at a different University about 5 years ago and did well, so i thought, sure, why not, i can totally pick up wherevery they left off. Well, I was tragically misguided - I spent a week trying to fill myself in on 2 quarters of Organic Chemistry at once. It was ridiculous. So I dropped that and entered the 2nd quarter of Physics instead. I was so happy to be doing something I recognized, I realized I was actually enjoying Physics! Ah the irony...
Then there is the MCAT class. I was in that for a week and I was not seeing my family at all. It was miserable. I had kung fu Tues and Thurs nights, and MCAT on Wednesday plus the occasional Monday - that coupled with being away from Lucy most days, I was not getting any good family time. I realized it was too much, I couldn't even keep up with my homework, much less enjoy my family. So I postponed the MCAT class until June, so I can focus on my kung fu training (2 and a half months and counting - but who's counting) and hopefully ace Physics while I'm at it.
That makes my MCAT class an intensive (M, W, F class - 3 hours each, it's completely insane) plus I'll be taking the first quarter of O Chem - so i'll be crazed during the summer, but at least I'll be done with my black belt test. And it's a day class, so I won't be gone from Lucy quite so much.
I ran 4 miles today with my friend Elise and then did all my forms for her on the pier. I don't think i've ever run 4 miles before! I was very proud of myself. Plus, she enjoyed watching my forms so much that she has decided to try kung fu starting on Monday. Hurray! And someone inside a restaurant overlooking the pier ran out to ask me what I was doing and to tell me that she had to try it herself, so I may have just landed us 2 new recruits. Awesome.
Lucy's been sick. I've been completely crazed. She wants only mama when she's sick and we haven't been sleeping very well. I accidentally dropped her this morning and to add injury to insult... i gave her a bloody nose. She was completely miserable with a snotting bloody nose all morning. She seems to be feeling better now, so i have hopes for this evening's sleep...
2 months 2 weeks and 2 days to black belt
4 and a half months to MCAT
and then
ONE GLORIOUS MONTH of vacation
I started the 2nd quarter of Organic Chem - I took a quarter of it at a different University about 5 years ago and did well, so i thought, sure, why not, i can totally pick up wherevery they left off. Well, I was tragically misguided - I spent a week trying to fill myself in on 2 quarters of Organic Chemistry at once. It was ridiculous. So I dropped that and entered the 2nd quarter of Physics instead. I was so happy to be doing something I recognized, I realized I was actually enjoying Physics! Ah the irony...
Then there is the MCAT class. I was in that for a week and I was not seeing my family at all. It was miserable. I had kung fu Tues and Thurs nights, and MCAT on Wednesday plus the occasional Monday - that coupled with being away from Lucy most days, I was not getting any good family time. I realized it was too much, I couldn't even keep up with my homework, much less enjoy my family. So I postponed the MCAT class until June, so I can focus on my kung fu training (2 and a half months and counting - but who's counting) and hopefully ace Physics while I'm at it.
That makes my MCAT class an intensive (M, W, F class - 3 hours each, it's completely insane) plus I'll be taking the first quarter of O Chem - so i'll be crazed during the summer, but at least I'll be done with my black belt test. And it's a day class, so I won't be gone from Lucy quite so much.
I ran 4 miles today with my friend Elise and then did all my forms for her on the pier. I don't think i've ever run 4 miles before! I was very proud of myself. Plus, she enjoyed watching my forms so much that she has decided to try kung fu starting on Monday. Hurray! And someone inside a restaurant overlooking the pier ran out to ask me what I was doing and to tell me that she had to try it herself, so I may have just landed us 2 new recruits. Awesome.
Lucy's been sick. I've been completely crazed. She wants only mama when she's sick and we haven't been sleeping very well. I accidentally dropped her this morning and to add injury to insult... i gave her a bloody nose. She was completely miserable with a snotting bloody nose all morning. She seems to be feeling better now, so i have hopes for this evening's sleep...
2 months 2 weeks and 2 days to black belt
4 and a half months to MCAT
and then
ONE GLORIOUS MONTH of vacation
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Rollercoaster Ridin'
You know that feeling as you slowly truck up to the top of the rollercoaster, terrified and thrilled, excited, elated, and a little bit sick just anticipating what is to come.... that's how i'm feeling lately.
There was a belt test at the school Saturday - advanced belts all grunting and sweating to prove themselves to an enormous panel of black belts. It was a great test, inspiring and in the end, emotional. I laughed, I cried...
It was the last test before my test.
Holy shit.
My injuries have kept me from really pushing like i did before previous tests. My martial arts is improving, but I'm definitely not physically THERE yet. I can't really hold a horse stance (thank you hip dysplasia - maybe i should be put out to pasture like a german shephard), I can't do sweeps and I've said goodbye to most high kicks. Lately, I can't even do a roundhouse kick because of the new problem in my other hip.
Surprisingly, all this said, until now, I've been fairly optimistic about my test. Until now, I've been focused on feeling good, retraining my muscles to work correctly - getting out of pain, and for the most part, I'm able to keep my pain in check. Doing what i do now, that is, which is somewhat gingerly practicing the art of kung fu.
I now need to kick up my training a notch. I'm a little afraid I'll hurt myself and not be able to test.
More than a little afraid.
Then, of course, there are the skills.
Oh yes, and finding the TIME to train... how's that again?
I've literally mapped out my next two weeks: each day from Lucy drop-off to Lucy pick-up and then some - It is entirely filled with stuff I have to do - class stuff, MCAT prep class stuff, and kung fu training stuff.
The moment of truth is here. I have it planned out, down to the infinitesimal detail of how much of my homework I need to do each day for each class - now it's time to put it all into action and get ready for the black belt test and then shortly thereafter, the MCAT.
WHEEEEEEEEEEE!
There was a belt test at the school Saturday - advanced belts all grunting and sweating to prove themselves to an enormous panel of black belts. It was a great test, inspiring and in the end, emotional. I laughed, I cried...
It was the last test before my test.
Holy shit.
My injuries have kept me from really pushing like i did before previous tests. My martial arts is improving, but I'm definitely not physically THERE yet. I can't really hold a horse stance (thank you hip dysplasia - maybe i should be put out to pasture like a german shephard), I can't do sweeps and I've said goodbye to most high kicks. Lately, I can't even do a roundhouse kick because of the new problem in my other hip.
Surprisingly, all this said, until now, I've been fairly optimistic about my test. Until now, I've been focused on feeling good, retraining my muscles to work correctly - getting out of pain, and for the most part, I'm able to keep my pain in check. Doing what i do now, that is, which is somewhat gingerly practicing the art of kung fu.
I now need to kick up my training a notch. I'm a little afraid I'll hurt myself and not be able to test.
More than a little afraid.
Then, of course, there are the skills.
Oh yes, and finding the TIME to train... how's that again?
I've literally mapped out my next two weeks: each day from Lucy drop-off to Lucy pick-up and then some - It is entirely filled with stuff I have to do - class stuff, MCAT prep class stuff, and kung fu training stuff.
The moment of truth is here. I have it planned out, down to the infinitesimal detail of how much of my homework I need to do each day for each class - now it's time to put it all into action and get ready for the black belt test and then shortly thereafter, the MCAT.
WHEEEEEEEEEEE!
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Moments of doubt
Still with the ups and downs. I mean, I still feel like this is it, but I now have real moments of doubt. Now the doubt isn't about whether or not I can do it, I really feel that I can, but I have momentary lapses into what-if territory.
What would it be like to just move to Italy for a couple years and travel around and discover new people, a new life?
What would it be like to travel around with Lucy and Todd, showing Lu the world and learning together?
What will it be like to be 40 and just starting a practice or career?
What will my family be like with all the time sacrifices I will be making?
If it is so hard to take one or two classes, what will it be like when I have an overfull load? Will i even have ANY time for myself? I have so little now.
Most of all, I know that being a stay-at-home mom is not for me. Not in the long run. I need something to sink my teeth into, something to feel passionate about, something to work on. Becoming a doctor is the peak of that reality. But I feel that if I don't make it, if I don't get in, if my relationship with Lucy suffers and my relationship with Todd falls apart and I have to quit... there are other options out there in the world.
I say that now. But only because I haven't been to the Kids Clinic in a couple weeks. Next Tuesday...
I didn't get to go back to Kung Fu today. I'm exhausted from the trip and the quarter. I was feeling a little something coming on so I stayed home. I also have this mysterious pain in my OTHER hip which is freaking me out. Jesus.
I'll go to the gym tomorrow and hopefully get a kung fu workout in sometime this weekend.
Time to go put the little miss to bed!
What would it be like to just move to Italy for a couple years and travel around and discover new people, a new life?
What would it be like to travel around with Lucy and Todd, showing Lu the world and learning together?
What will it be like to be 40 and just starting a practice or career?
What will my family be like with all the time sacrifices I will be making?
If it is so hard to take one or two classes, what will it be like when I have an overfull load? Will i even have ANY time for myself? I have so little now.
Most of all, I know that being a stay-at-home mom is not for me. Not in the long run. I need something to sink my teeth into, something to feel passionate about, something to work on. Becoming a doctor is the peak of that reality. But I feel that if I don't make it, if I don't get in, if my relationship with Lucy suffers and my relationship with Todd falls apart and I have to quit... there are other options out there in the world.
I say that now. But only because I haven't been to the Kids Clinic in a couple weeks. Next Tuesday...
I didn't get to go back to Kung Fu today. I'm exhausted from the trip and the quarter. I was feeling a little something coming on so I stayed home. I also have this mysterious pain in my OTHER hip which is freaking me out. Jesus.
I'll go to the gym tomorrow and hopefully get a kung fu workout in sometime this weekend.
Time to go put the little miss to bed!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Disconnect and Reconnect
Spring Break!
Lucy and I just returned from a hectic 5-day trip to New Orleans where my small but tight-knit neurotic family goes each year to visit my great aunt Charlotte. I had just finished my first quarter at school and really needed a break. Not that I don't love my family, and of course Lucy, but traveling alone with my 3 year old across country was just not the relaxation I had in mind. But I love to see my family and Lucy was really excited about seeing her grampa, so off we went.
There was an unusual amount of family mishigas, and the schedule was truly hectic - I didn't even get to visit the quarter ONCE while I was there this time, my friends told me that meant I was truly a local. Our very expensive hotel room was another story (we stayed in 5 rooms in 3 nights) - adding to the frenzy that was my week. One thing I did not count on was how much I really needed that quality time with Lucy.
I still get to be with Lucy every afternoon plus half a day a week, but it has been stressful at times during the quarter. When I'm home I think about school and always have schoolwork to do. We go our separate ways during the week, as people do, and on the weekends I struggle to find time to study. It has been wonderful and rewarding and challenging and good for ME, but I do not get that much time with just Lucy and Mama.
I just got back from 5 days of Lucy and Mama. Aside from the transition day - the day after we arrived in New Orleans - Lucy was a delight. I found my patience. We played, made each other laugh, had great conversations and enjoyed each other's company. We got on each other's nerves from time to time, but I have to say, I loved my time with her. I needed that time with her.
I had been dreading the trip. I love to go to New Orleans, I love to spend time with the family, I just knew that I was exhausted and again, I just needed to relax.
But it was worth it.
Many things went wrong on this trip. The hotel, the car, the family. But the most important thing of all went right. It was worth it.
I'm so glad to be home.
I'm fucking tired.
And by the way a 3.6 in Physics. Do you believe that one?!
Next up: Organic Chemistry - the 2nd part in a 3 part series that I took at a different school over 5 years ago. Just a glutton for punishment, i am.
Back to kung fu tomorrow. Hurray!
Lucy and I just returned from a hectic 5-day trip to New Orleans where my small but tight-knit neurotic family goes each year to visit my great aunt Charlotte. I had just finished my first quarter at school and really needed a break. Not that I don't love my family, and of course Lucy, but traveling alone with my 3 year old across country was just not the relaxation I had in mind. But I love to see my family and Lucy was really excited about seeing her grampa, so off we went.
There was an unusual amount of family mishigas, and the schedule was truly hectic - I didn't even get to visit the quarter ONCE while I was there this time, my friends told me that meant I was truly a local. Our very expensive hotel room was another story (we stayed in 5 rooms in 3 nights) - adding to the frenzy that was my week. One thing I did not count on was how much I really needed that quality time with Lucy.
I still get to be with Lucy every afternoon plus half a day a week, but it has been stressful at times during the quarter. When I'm home I think about school and always have schoolwork to do. We go our separate ways during the week, as people do, and on the weekends I struggle to find time to study. It has been wonderful and rewarding and challenging and good for ME, but I do not get that much time with just Lucy and Mama.
I just got back from 5 days of Lucy and Mama. Aside from the transition day - the day after we arrived in New Orleans - Lucy was a delight. I found my patience. We played, made each other laugh, had great conversations and enjoyed each other's company. We got on each other's nerves from time to time, but I have to say, I loved my time with her. I needed that time with her.
I had been dreading the trip. I love to go to New Orleans, I love to spend time with the family, I just knew that I was exhausted and again, I just needed to relax.
But it was worth it.
Many things went wrong on this trip. The hotel, the car, the family. But the most important thing of all went right. It was worth it.
I'm so glad to be home.
I'm fucking tired.
And by the way a 3.6 in Physics. Do you believe that one?!
Next up: Organic Chemistry - the 2nd part in a 3 part series that I took at a different school over 5 years ago. Just a glutton for punishment, i am.
Back to kung fu tomorrow. Hurray!
Friday, February 23, 2007
The good, the bad, and the not so bad
A recap of the past month...
Health/Body Stuff:
I was prescribed a huge dose of anti-inflammatories for my back problem (the disc issue). I was out of back pain for a couple weeks and happily taking naproxen (aleve) when i got this hideous stomach-ache which turned out to be a bleeding ulcer. yay.
So, now I'm on meds for my ulcer, which is healing nicely, but i'm experiencing a pain hangover in my back. Actually, I'm handling it OK, physical therapy seems to be helping and I had acupuncture today, which helped a lot. I think I can manage it.
My hip is in stasis - i seem to know what to do so as to not aggravate it too much, but I can no longer kick that high on the left. But surprisingly, i'm not that upset about that. I still do some things that bug it, but for the most part, like i said, stasis. I've been able to train with regular intensity lately.
I've signed up for many sessions with my trainer at the gym in preparation for my test, and he is WORKING me! It's great. I feel like my stamina at least, will be ready for black belt. (June 23!!!)
School/Pre-med Stuff:
My first test was quite the eye-opener. Well, I got myself a tutor and he has helped me figure out how to figure out problems. Also, just having more and more and more experience makes me much more comfortable in the language of Physics. After I got the graded on the curve (I got 12 points out of 40) I still managed to land a B or so. My second test went much better and I got 27 points out of 40, which landed me a high B and in the top 10% of the class! I can do this. My next exam will be next Friday and then only finals remain for this first quarter of school.
I start my MCAT review class in a week and that will add much joy and delight to my life.
I absolutely adore working the Kids Clinic. Every week, I drive up there and I am actually looking forward to my time there. I love all the kids and I'm learning what it's like to be a doctor. I love being a fly on the wall and every week I think to myself, Peds! I must do Peds! I almost can't imagine wanting to do anything else, but i'm sure i'll feel that way about more than one rotation. It's so exciting. And it makes me really feel positive about the direction I've chosen.
Now that I'm in it, my indecision is gone. I mean, I know there will be times, moments of doubt, but the longer I spend working towards it, the more confident I am that Medicine is what I'm meant to do. And that I'll be goddamned good at it. I am so relieved to feel that way!
Lucy Stuff:
Little miss Lu is doing great. She pees in the potty and now even at daycare and out in public. She still poops in diapers, but I'm not so concerned over that. All in good time.
She is hilarious and smart and keeps me busy all the time. I love her.
A funny story:
We were taking the bus to school a couple weeks ago, which is kind of an ordeal for us. We have to take the stroller to the bus shelter because it is about 1/2 a mile away and then we have to take 2 buses. But I like to take the bus and I like to not drive.
Included in tuition at UW is a bus pass. They send students a validation sticker each quarter to put on the ID card and that is supposed to let you ride the bus. I had been using my ID card all quarter not realizing that I didn't have the right sticker on it. I did have a sticker which displayed my name and that I was a student Winter quarter, but not the bus validation sticker. I had no idea.
I climb on the bus with Lucy and the stroller and bag of stuff and show the driver my pass. He asks to see it more closely so I hand it to him.
"This is not the right sticker." He helpfully informs me.
"Oh. Well, that is the one I got in the mail. Maybe because it's my first quarter, they send you the big sticker for the front..."
"Ma'am, I'm quite familiar with how these are supposed to look"
(Like I'm trying to scam the bus system for a free ride)
"Oh, well, that's the one they sent me, I don't have another sticker."
"I'm afraid you're going to have to pay bus fare, then."
Irately, "I don't have bus fare!"
"Well, then you're going to have to get off the bus."
I couldn't believe this guy. I was PISSED! I mean, even if i *was* trying to scam the bus system for $1.50 (which i wasn't) who the fuck would kick a student mother and her 3 year old off the bus?!
I grabbed Lucy, called the guy an asshole and dragged her and our stuff off the bus to wait for the next one. I was so pissed.
Lucy yells, "Why are we getting off the bus? I want to ride the bus RIGHT NOW! WHY DID HE TELL US TO GET OFF THE BUS?!"
"Because he's being a shithead," I told her, still within earshot.
We waited 15 minutes for the next bus and by the time it arrived, I had cooled off.
The next bus comes and since we're at the turnaround, the driver gets off the bus for his break. Lucy looks at him and says,
"The other brown one was being a shithead!"
Oh man. That's my girl.
That driver could not believe his ears. He asked me what she said, and so I had to tell him the whole story. He too couldn't believe what a shithead that other driver was being. He told me as long as I hadn't peed in my pants and wasn't completely drunk, I could ride the bus.
In other news, at 3.4 years old, my little lucy is learning to read. Of course she is ;)
Husband Stuff:
He's nice.
He's going through hard times and it's also hard for us to get much time together. The time we do spend together is nice and snuggly, but it's not often and our sleep schedules don't really coincide.
He's a great papa (he's up giving our crazy girl a bath before I put her to bed) and he loves his family.
But he's having a hard time and is going through stuff (and has been really for a couple years now).
We love him.
Other stuff:
Who has time for other stuff?
Health/Body Stuff:
I was prescribed a huge dose of anti-inflammatories for my back problem (the disc issue). I was out of back pain for a couple weeks and happily taking naproxen (aleve) when i got this hideous stomach-ache which turned out to be a bleeding ulcer. yay.
So, now I'm on meds for my ulcer, which is healing nicely, but i'm experiencing a pain hangover in my back. Actually, I'm handling it OK, physical therapy seems to be helping and I had acupuncture today, which helped a lot. I think I can manage it.
My hip is in stasis - i seem to know what to do so as to not aggravate it too much, but I can no longer kick that high on the left. But surprisingly, i'm not that upset about that. I still do some things that bug it, but for the most part, like i said, stasis. I've been able to train with regular intensity lately.
I've signed up for many sessions with my trainer at the gym in preparation for my test, and he is WORKING me! It's great. I feel like my stamina at least, will be ready for black belt. (June 23!!!)
School/Pre-med Stuff:
My first test was quite the eye-opener. Well, I got myself a tutor and he has helped me figure out how to figure out problems. Also, just having more and more and more experience makes me much more comfortable in the language of Physics. After I got the graded on the curve (I got 12 points out of 40) I still managed to land a B or so. My second test went much better and I got 27 points out of 40, which landed me a high B and in the top 10% of the class! I can do this. My next exam will be next Friday and then only finals remain for this first quarter of school.
I start my MCAT review class in a week and that will add much joy and delight to my life.
I absolutely adore working the Kids Clinic. Every week, I drive up there and I am actually looking forward to my time there. I love all the kids and I'm learning what it's like to be a doctor. I love being a fly on the wall and every week I think to myself, Peds! I must do Peds! I almost can't imagine wanting to do anything else, but i'm sure i'll feel that way about more than one rotation. It's so exciting. And it makes me really feel positive about the direction I've chosen.
Now that I'm in it, my indecision is gone. I mean, I know there will be times, moments of doubt, but the longer I spend working towards it, the more confident I am that Medicine is what I'm meant to do. And that I'll be goddamned good at it. I am so relieved to feel that way!
Lucy Stuff:
Little miss Lu is doing great. She pees in the potty and now even at daycare and out in public. She still poops in diapers, but I'm not so concerned over that. All in good time.
She is hilarious and smart and keeps me busy all the time. I love her.
A funny story:
We were taking the bus to school a couple weeks ago, which is kind of an ordeal for us. We have to take the stroller to the bus shelter because it is about 1/2 a mile away and then we have to take 2 buses. But I like to take the bus and I like to not drive.
Included in tuition at UW is a bus pass. They send students a validation sticker each quarter to put on the ID card and that is supposed to let you ride the bus. I had been using my ID card all quarter not realizing that I didn't have the right sticker on it. I did have a sticker which displayed my name and that I was a student Winter quarter, but not the bus validation sticker. I had no idea.
I climb on the bus with Lucy and the stroller and bag of stuff and show the driver my pass. He asks to see it more closely so I hand it to him.
"This is not the right sticker." He helpfully informs me.
"Oh. Well, that is the one I got in the mail. Maybe because it's my first quarter, they send you the big sticker for the front..."
"Ma'am, I'm quite familiar with how these are supposed to look"
(Like I'm trying to scam the bus system for a free ride)
"Oh, well, that's the one they sent me, I don't have another sticker."
"I'm afraid you're going to have to pay bus fare, then."
Irately, "I don't have bus fare!"
"Well, then you're going to have to get off the bus."
I couldn't believe this guy. I was PISSED! I mean, even if i *was* trying to scam the bus system for $1.50 (which i wasn't) who the fuck would kick a student mother and her 3 year old off the bus?!
I grabbed Lucy, called the guy an asshole and dragged her and our stuff off the bus to wait for the next one. I was so pissed.
Lucy yells, "Why are we getting off the bus? I want to ride the bus RIGHT NOW! WHY DID HE TELL US TO GET OFF THE BUS?!"
"Because he's being a shithead," I told her, still within earshot.
We waited 15 minutes for the next bus and by the time it arrived, I had cooled off.
The next bus comes and since we're at the turnaround, the driver gets off the bus for his break. Lucy looks at him and says,
"The other brown one was being a shithead!"
Oh man. That's my girl.
That driver could not believe his ears. He asked me what she said, and so I had to tell him the whole story. He too couldn't believe what a shithead that other driver was being. He told me as long as I hadn't peed in my pants and wasn't completely drunk, I could ride the bus.
In other news, at 3.4 years old, my little lucy is learning to read. Of course she is ;)
Husband Stuff:
He's nice.
He's going through hard times and it's also hard for us to get much time together. The time we do spend together is nice and snuggly, but it's not often and our sleep schedules don't really coincide.
He's a great papa (he's up giving our crazy girl a bath before I put her to bed) and he loves his family.
But he's having a hard time and is going through stuff (and has been really for a couple years now).
We love him.
Other stuff:
Who has time for other stuff?
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
More wrenches in my machine
So it turns out i have a fucking labral tear. Just like todd (i think it must be contagious. fucker.)
I seem to have caught it early that it could heal, provided i take real good care of it. Which is going to be really easy now that i have a fucking BLACK BELT TEST coming.
Oh yeah. And a disc problem. Seems that my back issue and hip issue are pretty unrelated and they both FUCKING SUCK ASSES as far as my kung fu training goes.
I'm going to quit harborview, basically so that I have time to do the Physical Therapy, deep tissue massage, acupuncture, and whatever the fuck it takes to care for my hip - so that I don't have to slow down on training and can take my test in 5 months.
Fuck.
Tomorrow: Physics. I'm going to flee when test scores are given.
I seem to have caught it early that it could heal, provided i take real good care of it. Which is going to be really easy now that i have a fucking BLACK BELT TEST coming.
Oh yeah. And a disc problem. Seems that my back issue and hip issue are pretty unrelated and they both FUCKING SUCK ASSES as far as my kung fu training goes.
I'm going to quit harborview, basically so that I have time to do the Physical Therapy, deep tissue massage, acupuncture, and whatever the fuck it takes to care for my hip - so that I don't have to slow down on training and can take my test in 5 months.
Fuck.
Tomorrow: Physics. I'm going to flee when test scores are given.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Discouraged, disheartened, and dismayed
Well, I took that first test. I studied my ass off. Had a study group on Sunday, studied late into last night, took the morning off from the hospital to study - which i did the whole time, and I finally felt sort of ready.
I went in, not feeling too bad, and we get the test. I look at the first problem. WHAT? OK. Don't panic. Move on to the next problem. WHAT? OK, maybe a little panic sets in. Do as much as I can. Move on. Third problem. WHAAAAAAAA?... OK... I can do this one. Vaguely. Not sure if the numbers pan out, but half an hour is up and only 20 minutes to go. Last problem... WHAT THE FUCK?! I didn't even know where to begin. Turns out I could have easily answered that last problem, but I misread the diagram and thought I didn't have the information which REALLY PISSES ME OFF.
I have never in my life had this experience. I've never tried anything, I mean really tried, and still been unable to do well. This is new and I have to say, extremely discouraging. I mean, what if this one class (well, 2 - 3 quarters of this one class) is the one thing between me and medical school. My grades are good other than this, mostly good anyway, but also I went to an undergraduate institution that didn't offer grades, but instead offered extensive written evaluations. They have nothing to quantify me by but all the postbac work that I am doing and have done and while most of it is (ahem) stellar, this is the SUCK. I definitely flunked this one. I give myself (generously) 30%. It is on a curve, but still...
I guess I need a tutor. This is so pathetic. I am taking ONE class, and I have barely enough time to keep up in it. And now. Shit.
But, good news. I've been given a black belt test date (estimate) of June 16. I can finally start panicking about that! Hurray! I'm really excited about it actually. I did skip class tonight, however, because i am also not feeling well.
WAAAAAAH!
I went in, not feeling too bad, and we get the test. I look at the first problem. WHAT? OK. Don't panic. Move on to the next problem. WHAT? OK, maybe a little panic sets in. Do as much as I can. Move on. Third problem. WHAAAAAAAA?... OK... I can do this one. Vaguely. Not sure if the numbers pan out, but half an hour is up and only 20 minutes to go. Last problem... WHAT THE FUCK?! I didn't even know where to begin. Turns out I could have easily answered that last problem, but I misread the diagram and thought I didn't have the information which REALLY PISSES ME OFF.
I have never in my life had this experience. I've never tried anything, I mean really tried, and still been unable to do well. This is new and I have to say, extremely discouraging. I mean, what if this one class (well, 2 - 3 quarters of this one class) is the one thing between me and medical school. My grades are good other than this, mostly good anyway, but also I went to an undergraduate institution that didn't offer grades, but instead offered extensive written evaluations. They have nothing to quantify me by but all the postbac work that I am doing and have done and while most of it is (ahem) stellar, this is the SUCK. I definitely flunked this one. I give myself (generously) 30%. It is on a curve, but still...
I guess I need a tutor. This is so pathetic. I am taking ONE class, and I have barely enough time to keep up in it. And now. Shit.
But, good news. I've been given a black belt test date (estimate) of June 16. I can finally start panicking about that! Hurray! I'm really excited about it actually. I did skip class tonight, however, because i am also not feeling well.
WAAAAAAH!
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Water water everywhere
Guess who peed in the potty? Twice!
Yeah, my recent strategy must have paid off. That, or she's goddamned ready to pee in the potty already. She's been wearing underpants around the house for a few weeks - she'll tell me she has to go pee or poop and then make me put a diaper on. Fine. But lately, I've been telling her to take off her pants and undies and sit on the potty and wait until i'm done doing X, Y. or Z and then i'll get the diaper out. I've been dallying.
Tonight, she was watching her Lilo and Stitch and she had to pee, so I pulled my usual delay tactic - sit on the potty until i'm done knitting this row and then i'll get a diaper - she says, "no, i want to pee in the potty" all matter-of-fact-like. She sits down and BAM out comes the pee like she's been doing it all her life.
Then again at bedtime, BAM more pee.
Hurray!
Perhaps tomorrow will be a diaper free day? Dare I dream?
Physics still sucks. I can barely keep up. It's demoralizing.
My first exam is next Tuesday. Stay tuned.
Yeah, my recent strategy must have paid off. That, or she's goddamned ready to pee in the potty already. She's been wearing underpants around the house for a few weeks - she'll tell me she has to go pee or poop and then make me put a diaper on. Fine. But lately, I've been telling her to take off her pants and undies and sit on the potty and wait until i'm done doing X, Y. or Z and then i'll get the diaper out. I've been dallying.
Tonight, she was watching her Lilo and Stitch and she had to pee, so I pulled my usual delay tactic - sit on the potty until i'm done knitting this row and then i'll get a diaper - she says, "no, i want to pee in the potty" all matter-of-fact-like. She sits down and BAM out comes the pee like she's been doing it all her life.
Then again at bedtime, BAM more pee.
Hurray!
Perhaps tomorrow will be a diaper free day? Dare I dream?
Physics still sucks. I can barely keep up. It's demoralizing.
My first exam is next Tuesday. Stay tuned.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Feeling Better
Lucy's quote of the evening:
Mommy, you're not a penguin. You have a short nose and hair.
Mommy, you're not a penguin. You have a short nose and hair.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
IH8 FZKS (warning, this is a little graphic... i'm sorry)
Yes, that is going to be my new license plate....
This has been a rough day. Well, a rough week culminating in today being kind of a rough day. It started out with Lucy's huge rage against the daycare. She wailed her little heart out, which incidentally rips my little heart out all the way to school, clinging to me when I tried to leave. L-a, the daycare teacher that was solo first thing this morning, seemed a little preoccupied trying to entertain the seven other children that were already there so it was really hard to disengage lucy from my body. Finally, I had to hail the teacher and plead for her to comfort my child (I must say, I could have used a hug at this point, myself).
Then I hustled off to Harborview where I toil away in a back office on the burn floor. This was a bad weekend for the burn ICU - a 14 year old girl was babysitting her 4 young nieces and nephews, all toddlers/preschoolers, 2 pairs of siblings, when the house went up in flames. I think the aunt got out OK but it went up so fast, one child was lost at the scene and 3 are in the ICU. One most definitely won't make it - renal failure, guts in a bag outside the body cavity, limbs mostly gone, really really sad. The other two children will probably make it, but they are all severely burned.
I didn't go to the ICU, but the nurse I work with had just come back from rounds up there and shared with me the details. I got the feeling she needed to unload - no matter how long you are there, situations like that affect everyone deeply. She also tells me all the medical details, you know, why that baby's guts are outside the body cavity with such a severe burn.
Anyway, back on my floor, the regular burn floor, there were more babies which cried periodically throughout the day. I'm kinda used to that, but still in my state of mind this morning, it didn't help. There was a man on my floor who was moaning in pain ALL DAY LONG. And I mean moaning. "ow ow OOOOW ow ow. OW. ow ow OOOOOOW."
I got done there, grabbed a nasty sandwich on my way out and raced to Physics class where I nearly got knocked down and into traffic by some huge gusts of wind. I ran off to Physics, getting pelted by rain (oh yes, did I mention my tights shrunk in the wash, so i was at half-mast all day long?) and got there in the nick of time. I sat down and for 50 minutes i saw and heard
blah blah blah@#%Q$%@#$%FGKLNVNLKRWJ#$%iopjv writjtrwpoij5 bkmvpowj45 pwijg[pfjb sgjkj43ljt5 43w5 divided by and you can see why the velocity ADKALjt qjeqlknr vlk jponqortjqlk jrklj!@#$#$@%^$^% blah and so forth.
I just don't get it. I get the ideas... I understand what velocity is and acceleration and even free fall (oh man, my teacher's examples are all hilarious too) but the equations, i can't ever figure out which one to use when and WHY. It's dry and frankly I DON'T CARE ABOUT IT AT ALL.
So there.
I'm seriously questioning my plan here. I'm overwhelmed by an intro Physics class and it's all it's my ONLY CLASS! What am I thinking?! This is going to be my life, and it's going to get much much worse and it's going to last for NINE YEARS. WHY AM I DOING THIS??? It's already affecting my relationship with Lucy and that makes me sad. Maybe it's just today, but
When I picked her up from daycare, she was glad to see me, but shortly thereafter, things went south. In the car on the way home, she asked if she could watch a movie later. Yes, I said, after supper. NO. SHE WANTED ONE NOW. SHE WANTED ONE WHEN PAPA GOT HOME NOT AFTER SUPPER and so forth. I later asked her if she wanted to go for hot chocolate, a special treat we do about once a week. Well, that was met with enthusiasm, but she began a new rant about I WANT TO EAT SUPPER AT THE PURPLE TABLE NOT AT THE DINNER TABLE, I told her we were not eating supper in front of the TV, well, this turned into quite a screaming rage, I finally decided I didn't want to spend time with her at a place doing a special treat, I was feeling pretty thin on patience by now, well, that really freaked her out. I circled the block (by the way, i think i deserve some kind of award for NOT yelling at her at all) and said if she could calm down and be friendly with me, we could still do it, but I wasn't about to take her into a public place yelling like that and that I really didn't like to be treated that way. So we went.
We had a little good time, but I was wiped.
We came home whereupon we had another fight (to be fair, I was doing computer stuff - I have no time on my own to catch up on e-mail, do my finances, renew library books, shit like that - and not paying any attention to her for a while). She drew on my desk with a crayon, I flipped out and grabbed it from her after she refused to stop and clean it up.... then i got my very first
I DON'T LIKE YOU!
I almost cried. Not because I really felt she didn't like me, but because I feel like this is my new life now, I have no time, the time I do have I feel exhausted and wiped and pretty soon she will move on to
I hate you
I hope this is just the transition for me.
I am starting to understand some of my homework, maybe i'll get to actually enjoy it at some point.
Maybe lucy will settle in to daycare and our time together will be more joyous.
Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all.
This has been a rough day. Well, a rough week culminating in today being kind of a rough day. It started out with Lucy's huge rage against the daycare. She wailed her little heart out, which incidentally rips my little heart out all the way to school, clinging to me when I tried to leave. L-a, the daycare teacher that was solo first thing this morning, seemed a little preoccupied trying to entertain the seven other children that were already there so it was really hard to disengage lucy from my body. Finally, I had to hail the teacher and plead for her to comfort my child (I must say, I could have used a hug at this point, myself).
Then I hustled off to Harborview where I toil away in a back office on the burn floor. This was a bad weekend for the burn ICU - a 14 year old girl was babysitting her 4 young nieces and nephews, all toddlers/preschoolers, 2 pairs of siblings, when the house went up in flames. I think the aunt got out OK but it went up so fast, one child was lost at the scene and 3 are in the ICU. One most definitely won't make it - renal failure, guts in a bag outside the body cavity, limbs mostly gone, really really sad. The other two children will probably make it, but they are all severely burned.
I didn't go to the ICU, but the nurse I work with had just come back from rounds up there and shared with me the details. I got the feeling she needed to unload - no matter how long you are there, situations like that affect everyone deeply. She also tells me all the medical details, you know, why that baby's guts are outside the body cavity with such a severe burn.
Anyway, back on my floor, the regular burn floor, there were more babies which cried periodically throughout the day. I'm kinda used to that, but still in my state of mind this morning, it didn't help. There was a man on my floor who was moaning in pain ALL DAY LONG. And I mean moaning. "ow ow OOOOW ow ow. OW. ow ow OOOOOOW."
I got done there, grabbed a nasty sandwich on my way out and raced to Physics class where I nearly got knocked down and into traffic by some huge gusts of wind. I ran off to Physics, getting pelted by rain (oh yes, did I mention my tights shrunk in the wash, so i was at half-mast all day long?) and got there in the nick of time. I sat down and for 50 minutes i saw and heard
blah blah blah@#%Q$%@#$%FGKLNVNLKRWJ#$%iopjv writjtrwpoij5 bkmvpowj45 pwijg[pfjb sgjkj43ljt5 43w5 divided by and you can see why the velocity ADKALjt qjeqlknr vlk jponqortjqlk jrklj!@#$#$@%^$^% blah and so forth.
I just don't get it. I get the ideas... I understand what velocity is and acceleration and even free fall (oh man, my teacher's examples are all hilarious too) but the equations, i can't ever figure out which one to use when and WHY. It's dry and frankly I DON'T CARE ABOUT IT AT ALL.
So there.
I'm seriously questioning my plan here. I'm overwhelmed by an intro Physics class and it's all it's my ONLY CLASS! What am I thinking?! This is going to be my life, and it's going to get much much worse and it's going to last for NINE YEARS. WHY AM I DOING THIS??? It's already affecting my relationship with Lucy and that makes me sad. Maybe it's just today, but
When I picked her up from daycare, she was glad to see me, but shortly thereafter, things went south. In the car on the way home, she asked if she could watch a movie later. Yes, I said, after supper. NO. SHE WANTED ONE NOW. SHE WANTED ONE WHEN PAPA GOT HOME NOT AFTER SUPPER and so forth. I later asked her if she wanted to go for hot chocolate, a special treat we do about once a week. Well, that was met with enthusiasm, but she began a new rant about I WANT TO EAT SUPPER AT THE PURPLE TABLE NOT AT THE DINNER TABLE, I told her we were not eating supper in front of the TV, well, this turned into quite a screaming rage, I finally decided I didn't want to spend time with her at a place doing a special treat, I was feeling pretty thin on patience by now, well, that really freaked her out. I circled the block (by the way, i think i deserve some kind of award for NOT yelling at her at all) and said if she could calm down and be friendly with me, we could still do it, but I wasn't about to take her into a public place yelling like that and that I really didn't like to be treated that way. So we went.
We had a little good time, but I was wiped.
We came home whereupon we had another fight (to be fair, I was doing computer stuff - I have no time on my own to catch up on e-mail, do my finances, renew library books, shit like that - and not paying any attention to her for a while). She drew on my desk with a crayon, I flipped out and grabbed it from her after she refused to stop and clean it up.... then i got my very first
I DON'T LIKE YOU!
I almost cried. Not because I really felt she didn't like me, but because I feel like this is my new life now, I have no time, the time I do have I feel exhausted and wiped and pretty soon she will move on to
I hate you
I hope this is just the transition for me.
I am starting to understand some of my homework, maybe i'll get to actually enjoy it at some point.
Maybe lucy will settle in to daycare and our time together will be more joyous.
Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
School... here we go...
So tomorrow is my official first day of classes. It's crazy, I only have one class (Physics with lab, assuming i get in - i'm non-matriculated, so currently on "standby" status...") and I'm going to be insanely busy.
Class every afternoon, harborview Tuesday mornings and the kids clinic on Friday mornings. Lucy's only in daycare 3 days a week right now, so I'm having to patch child care together for now - I have someone on Mondays and then Katy is going to watch her while i'm in class on Thursdays (meaning no naps on Thursdays probably...) I feel a bit stressed.
At the end of the quarter, I'm starting my MCAT class, which will be Wednesday evenings and will go on for 5 months.
I've applied to UW as a postbac (matriculated status) which would be great because then I wouldn't have to stress about standby status, but the chances are pretty slim so fingers crossed...
Lucy is back to hating daycare. We've been on the go pretty constantly for the past month, so I think it's hard for her to get back into the swing. But it certainly adds to my stress level - she screams and cries about it all morning and is clingy and sobbing when we drop her off. Of course, she's fine all day long, which is certainly a step up from the old daycare, but it's still a horrible way to start the mornings.
This morning over breakfast, I asked her, "So, who's your favorite daycare friend?"
Her reply: "I don't like daycare. Are you crazy?!"
*sigh*
I went back to kung fu last night after a much too long break. It was great! I'm so glad to be back, it felt sooooo gooooooood. I have a problem though, and I'm a bit scared about it. I've had this hip problem going on for a couple months. I've been working on it in physical therapy and it is getting better - mostly probably because I haven't been working it for a month or so - but she did a full assessment this morning and suggested that I still have a really big problem, and that I may have a labral tear (SHIT!!!) - that is what Todd had that ultimately forced him to two surgeries and to quit kung fu.
I CAN'T quit kung fu.
She said that she didn't think it was torn, but that it was a possibility - I'm going to see an orthopedist in a few weeks to give it his assessment. She thinks that for now, I just need to work really hard to get the muscles to function properly, if i want to continue with kung fu.
Man. This is NOT a good time to have an injury like that. I was really hoping it would just get better over time. SUCK!
So I'm a bit worried. But I'm doing what i can, physical therapy, orthopod, massage. I'm going to try to get in for acupuncture next week and see if that helps too. Whatever I can do...
It's good to be back. I'm glad to finally get started on school. Here we go!
Class every afternoon, harborview Tuesday mornings and the kids clinic on Friday mornings. Lucy's only in daycare 3 days a week right now, so I'm having to patch child care together for now - I have someone on Mondays and then Katy is going to watch her while i'm in class on Thursdays (meaning no naps on Thursdays probably...) I feel a bit stressed.
At the end of the quarter, I'm starting my MCAT class, which will be Wednesday evenings and will go on for 5 months.
I've applied to UW as a postbac (matriculated status) which would be great because then I wouldn't have to stress about standby status, but the chances are pretty slim so fingers crossed...
Lucy is back to hating daycare. We've been on the go pretty constantly for the past month, so I think it's hard for her to get back into the swing. But it certainly adds to my stress level - she screams and cries about it all morning and is clingy and sobbing when we drop her off. Of course, she's fine all day long, which is certainly a step up from the old daycare, but it's still a horrible way to start the mornings.
This morning over breakfast, I asked her, "So, who's your favorite daycare friend?"
Her reply: "I don't like daycare. Are you crazy?!"
*sigh*
I went back to kung fu last night after a much too long break. It was great! I'm so glad to be back, it felt sooooo gooooooood. I have a problem though, and I'm a bit scared about it. I've had this hip problem going on for a couple months. I've been working on it in physical therapy and it is getting better - mostly probably because I haven't been working it for a month or so - but she did a full assessment this morning and suggested that I still have a really big problem, and that I may have a labral tear (SHIT!!!) - that is what Todd had that ultimately forced him to two surgeries and to quit kung fu.
I CAN'T quit kung fu.
She said that she didn't think it was torn, but that it was a possibility - I'm going to see an orthopedist in a few weeks to give it his assessment. She thinks that for now, I just need to work really hard to get the muscles to function properly, if i want to continue with kung fu.
Man. This is NOT a good time to have an injury like that. I was really hoping it would just get better over time. SUCK!
So I'm a bit worried. But I'm doing what i can, physical therapy, orthopod, massage. I'm going to try to get in for acupuncture next week and see if that helps too. Whatever I can do...
It's good to be back. I'm glad to finally get started on school. Here we go!
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Argh
I wrote a LOOOOONG post about a week ago and then the internet ate it. Shit.
Anyway, here's the brief update:
I participated in a talk at UW for a graduate level epidemiology class on vaccines. I was on the panel with two other moms who had chosen either to not vaccinate or to partially vaccinate. Also on the panel was a very cool, very knowledgeable pediatrician who sees several kids whose parents choose not to vaccinate, but who herself vaccinated her children. She was so astoundingly educated on all sides of the vaccine debate, it was refreshing to meet a doc who believes people should be allowed to learn and make their own decisions.
I immediately approached her after the talk, introduced myself and asked if I could shadow her. She was very enthusiastic, loves teaching, often has students and gave me her card to call the office and begin. So i did. And I went. I shadowed her for the first time a few days later for a couple hours (Thank you clayton and melissa for babysitting - it was a holiday) and it was FANTASTIC!!! The experience completely reinvigorated me for med school. Huzzah!
Doctor D not only let me follow her around, but encouraged me to talk to patients, listen to chests on stethoscopes, inspect bum rashes and look in mouths and ears. Very exciting. I will be going back Friday and then not again until January (she has another student in there for December). The one day I spent there certainly made me consider peds... but we'll see when I actually get into rotations how much i can take sick kids...
At the hospital, I went on rounds last week and was informed that I will start taking BPs of burn patients who are enrolled in the next study (beginning January) so that will give me some more patient contact there as well. Hurray! But mostly I'm still doing paperwork. It's truly neverending.
Lucy is doing WONDERFULLY at her new daycare (knocking on wood furiously). There have been almost NO tears at all, she has good days and is not at all traumatized. Wow. WTF took me so long to change. Seriously. I love this place. She has already learned to put on her coat by herself (do you remember when you learned to flip a coat upside down over your head? Well, it's the friggin cutest thing ever) and they really do encourage self-sufficiency there. I'm so happy with the place.
We're going on a big vacation next week - first to Florida to see bubbie and nonnie (my mom and grandmother) and then all 5 of us (4 generations of Gilbertsen-Bluestone-Streiker-Peller women plus Todd) are heading over to Miami and off on a cruise! I'm very much looking forward to a nice long vacation. Aaaaahhhh
I'm at a kung fu plateau at the moment. I've been training often and hard and I've really focused on my sparring skills - I know that's what Sifu wants to see me improve and i really really have... a lot... - but everything else has faltered. And now my body is beginning to rebel against all the pressure I'm placing on it. I'm beginning to wonder if i haven't strained my groin, but anyway, my hip is in a lot of pain when I do certain things. It all started when I started PT, which has helped my back, but perhaps since it's no longer compensating for my hips, they are paying dearly. Alas. I'll see a doctor if it doesn't get better with the two week vacation from KF.
I've been training at the gym as well - ran into Master Eddie, my TKD instructor from a couple years back, at the gym. It was great to see him, and he was enthusiastic about my black belt test and promised to come and check it out when it ever gets set up. OY. I'm still waiting to find out and that's really beginning to drive me nuts. I realize that I won't hear until a few months before the test, so probably not until January at least, but still... it's driving me nuts not knowing.
I skipped class yesterday AND today (went to the gym today) but i'm giving my hip a little rest.
Anyway, that's the update. In a nutshell. I'm frantic the rest of the week getting everything ready for the trip, plus I have the hospital tomorrow and Doctor D on Friday.... Did i mention that I've switched Lucy over to Doctor D? We'll be going to see her in a few weeks. I love her.
Anyway, here's the brief update:
I participated in a talk at UW for a graduate level epidemiology class on vaccines. I was on the panel with two other moms who had chosen either to not vaccinate or to partially vaccinate. Also on the panel was a very cool, very knowledgeable pediatrician who sees several kids whose parents choose not to vaccinate, but who herself vaccinated her children. She was so astoundingly educated on all sides of the vaccine debate, it was refreshing to meet a doc who believes people should be allowed to learn and make their own decisions.
I immediately approached her after the talk, introduced myself and asked if I could shadow her. She was very enthusiastic, loves teaching, often has students and gave me her card to call the office and begin. So i did. And I went. I shadowed her for the first time a few days later for a couple hours (Thank you clayton and melissa for babysitting - it was a holiday) and it was FANTASTIC!!! The experience completely reinvigorated me for med school. Huzzah!
Doctor D not only let me follow her around, but encouraged me to talk to patients, listen to chests on stethoscopes, inspect bum rashes and look in mouths and ears. Very exciting. I will be going back Friday and then not again until January (she has another student in there for December). The one day I spent there certainly made me consider peds... but we'll see when I actually get into rotations how much i can take sick kids...
At the hospital, I went on rounds last week and was informed that I will start taking BPs of burn patients who are enrolled in the next study (beginning January) so that will give me some more patient contact there as well. Hurray! But mostly I'm still doing paperwork. It's truly neverending.
Lucy is doing WONDERFULLY at her new daycare (knocking on wood furiously). There have been almost NO tears at all, she has good days and is not at all traumatized. Wow. WTF took me so long to change. Seriously. I love this place. She has already learned to put on her coat by herself (do you remember when you learned to flip a coat upside down over your head? Well, it's the friggin cutest thing ever) and they really do encourage self-sufficiency there. I'm so happy with the place.
We're going on a big vacation next week - first to Florida to see bubbie and nonnie (my mom and grandmother) and then all 5 of us (4 generations of Gilbertsen-Bluestone-Streiker-Peller women plus Todd) are heading over to Miami and off on a cruise! I'm very much looking forward to a nice long vacation. Aaaaahhhh
I'm at a kung fu plateau at the moment. I've been training often and hard and I've really focused on my sparring skills - I know that's what Sifu wants to see me improve and i really really have... a lot... - but everything else has faltered. And now my body is beginning to rebel against all the pressure I'm placing on it. I'm beginning to wonder if i haven't strained my groin, but anyway, my hip is in a lot of pain when I do certain things. It all started when I started PT, which has helped my back, but perhaps since it's no longer compensating for my hips, they are paying dearly. Alas. I'll see a doctor if it doesn't get better with the two week vacation from KF.
I've been training at the gym as well - ran into Master Eddie, my TKD instructor from a couple years back, at the gym. It was great to see him, and he was enthusiastic about my black belt test and promised to come and check it out when it ever gets set up. OY. I'm still waiting to find out and that's really beginning to drive me nuts. I realize that I won't hear until a few months before the test, so probably not until January at least, but still... it's driving me nuts not knowing.
I skipped class yesterday AND today (went to the gym today) but i'm giving my hip a little rest.
Anyway, that's the update. In a nutshell. I'm frantic the rest of the week getting everything ready for the trip, plus I have the hospital tomorrow and Doctor D on Friday.... Did i mention that I've switched Lucy over to Doctor D? We'll be going to see her in a few weeks. I love her.
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