Go Out With a BANG.

For those still hanging by a thread to see how I did this quarter:
Microbiology - 3.7
Lab - 3.3
and.... drumroll please....
Statistics - 3.9!!

I rock.

My Brain Shook

I'm done. I'm done! I'm DONE! I'm absolutely 100% completely done with being an undergrad. I took my last finals last week and now all I have to do is prepare my house, family, and self for moving across the country. I'm so glad! I'm not sure yet how I did overall, but I'm pretty confident I did well on my finals and finished out with a moderate bang. (is that a bing? a bap? whatever... i'm giddy)

In other news, well, there really is no other news. I was just feeling a bit neglectful of my blogging duties.

Today Lucy has been having a rough day. Well, we all have. She does something we don't like, we tell her not to do it in a grumpy way, which makes her do it again, because she feels bad and mad about having been told and then boom. A fight. It culminated tonight, after her best friend's birthday party and a long day of running around, cake, candy, and bad food.... Todd was clipping Stellaluna's (our black kitty) nails. Lucy made a loud noise which scared Stella. Stella scratched Todd. Todd told her in a grumpy way to not make noise and proceeded to continue with claw-clipping (i was *trying* to butt out) and she felt bad and mad and did another loud noise, the kitty really scratched todd and todd YELLED so LOUD!!!! I've never seen her yell at her like that ever... I've done it, but it's a first for papa...

Anyway, after the crying ended (major bigtime crying) and I was talking it over with her, she looked up at me with her tear-stained cheeks glistening and lip quivering and said, "He yelled so loud my brain shook."

Sometimes the imagery she comes up with astounds me. Especially in light of her extreme four-year-old behavior. She speaks with such clarity and beauty about feelings that she doesn't understand. It's miraculous.

Recently, she went through a phase when she was feeling not so well and I would pick her up at school and she looked so sad. Happy to see me, but like she was waking up from being sad. She told me each day, "I was feeling jealous for you." I thought she was just using the wrong word, a word I'd explained to her recently but that she wasn't grasping correctly. I would reply, "you missed me today?"
"Yes."

A couple of weeks later, I was alone in my car and the Writer's Almanac on NPR was on. It was Emily Dickenson's birthday and Garrison Keillor was reciting a poem, "The Last Night that She Lived". I realized that her word was so aptly chosen, it couldn't have been more real to what she was feeling. I was just too dense to understand. Not the last time, I'm sure.

The last Night that She lived
It was a Common Night
Except the Dying—this to Us
Made Nature different

We noticed smallest things—
Things overlooked before
By this great light upon our Minds
Italicized—as 'twere.

As We went out and in
Between Her final Room
And Rooms where Those to be alive
Tomorrow were, a Blame

That Others could exist
While She must finish quite
A Jealousy for Her arose
So nearly infinite—

We waited while She passed—
It was a narrow time—
Too jostled were Our Souls to speak
At length the notice came.

She mentioned, and forgot—
Then lightly as a Reed
Bent to the Water, struggled scarce—
Consented, and was dead—

And We—We placed the Hair—
And drew the Head erect—
And then an awful leisure was
Belief to regulate—

DUUUUUUUDE!

So, i went to Yale for the interview. It was awesome. First, some first-year students hosted a dinner for us interviewees - very informal, just a chance to ask a lot of questions and eat some free food and enjoy a free beer. I had been feeling a bit sick all day - some weird infection that I will get into later - but I managed to have a great time and get a lot out of it. The most remarkable thing was that all these students seemed, well, happy! They were all very happy, well-rounded, relaxed people who seemed to be very diligent intelligent people who also had time for lives outside of the classroom.

(This is in opposition to the first program (and most others) who tried to scare us all with how much we would be in class and pretty much have no time for outside activities. Students seemed less healthy and happy, and a bit overwhelmed....)

At any rate, I was very impressed with the caliber of the students I met and with how much they seemed to feel supported in this very intense program by faculty and each other.

That night, i had a fever and a bad stomach thing and I couldn't get to sleep until about 4:30 am. I had to get up at around 6 to get to my 8:00 interview - so needless to say, I was not in prime condition. I slogged my way there after being unable to eat breakfast or (gasp) drink a cup of coffee. I was incredibly nervous and shaky and exhausted and a bit out of it. Luckily, my interviews were early in the day - so I got them over with rather quickly.

The first one was with the program director. She also had someone following her around, so he chimed it a bit as well, but she was in charge. It was very relaxed (I wasn't) and conversational. I felt OK about it, but I also felt like i kind of babbled on a bit, being a little out of sorts. Anyway, the next interview went very well, it was much more "interviewy" - 3 PAs - a faculty member and 2 practicing clinicians - were asking me questions. I relaxed a bit and felt very good about this one. The rest of the day consisted of info sessions, lunch with students, sitting in on a lecture, and a tour. By the end of the day, I was absolutely sure this was the place for me. I was ready to blow off all other interviews and acceptances, even if I didn't get in, I would reapply next year. I loved it.

As I told the director at the end of my interview, it seemed to really live up to the "hype".
"We have a hype?" She asked, at which point I was certain I'd blown it.

I walked off to my hotel, not really knowing how I did, but feeling OK about it. I was told time and again that they would likely let me know one way or another by the end of next week or 2 weeks from now at the latest. I was ready for the torture of waiting 2 weeks.

I got back to the hotel, told my dad all about it (he'd been watching Lucy all day, since Todd had to go to Nashville for work) and called my mom to fill her in. I hung up the phone and saw that it was ringing with a connecticut area code - I thought it would be my friend Lisa. Or Yale to ask me for some more information on an essay they'd had me write. Or to reject me and get it over with.

It was Mary, the program director. She was calling to tell me how much she'd enjoyed meeting me. She went on to say that sometimes they like to call a few people they are particularly excited about right away to invite them to join the program. She said she hoped I would complete my PA training at Yale.

Oh. My. God.

I told her how excited I was and we had a short conversation after which I yelled and screamed and had a jump hug with Lucy and my dad.

I did it. I got into YALE!!!

I can't wait.

Chugga chugga choo chooooo

So now Cornell has contacted me for an interview as well! I'm not entirely keen on their program, it's very type-A, surgical focus, etc. etc. I mean the first year class days are Monday - Friday 8-5... in class... not to mention the time needed to study. Also, Cornell Medical School is in New York City, which i would love, but I think todd is extremely trepidatious about it. He loves his car and that would be a big deal. But... Well anyway, I'm interviewing there, just to see what it's all about. I'm still really hoping for YALE.

Did I already write about sweet Lucy's comment? She asked me when we were moving to Yale, and I told her that I hadn't been accepted yet, I was still just hoping to get in. She said, "Magic, magic, magic.... Mama get into YALE!" I love that girl.

She has been fantastic company lately. Like I said earlier to my friend Sarjan, having a four-year-old totally ROCKS.

I have been slacking on my kung fu lately... just don't have time for it between school and panicking about PA school and being a parent and whatnot. I did go last night and I learned a very cool knife form in its entirety. Sifu encouraged me to get a live blade to practice with. Yikes. I asked her after class about teaching while I'm away. I figure, I will have no time to really train on my own, but if I can commit to teaching a couple lunchtime classes per week, then I'll still be training! I got her seal of approval... she told me i'm certified to open my own school if i want. (i don't, but it's nice to be told that it's OK). So, i'm kind of vaguely thinking that's the direction my training will take while I'm in PA school - it will certainly take a backseat, but I don't want to lose it. It is part of who I am.

I've been doing well in my classes, but not as well as I keep expecting. There's still time, but Microbiology is the only one i'm vaguely certain of getting an A in... I will also be missing quite a lot of class to fly to the East coast for my interviews - 2 days the week after Thanksgiving (Yale) and two days the week after that (Cornell). Then the following week is finals week - it will be hard to focus. Still...

Then, if I get into Yale, the next six months are FREE - well aside from the packing, moving, school-hunting (for Lucy) and re-settling that will ensue - I just mean I won't need to be taking any more classes. Which would be nice.

We'll see.

Time to go put my little friend to bed.

Another Quick Update

Yale!

They contacted me for an interview. I interview on November 26th. I am VERY excited! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!

Wish me luck.

Are We There Yet?

Milestones here, some candy there... it's been a long couple of weeks.

I was accepted at Arcadia. I was going to turn them down until I received my official letter including an offer for a substantial scholarship and some mysterious "Merit Award". So I am giving them a second thought. I sent them a deposit, but am still hoping to get other offers for interviews at my top choices. Yale, where are you?!

I'm obsessively checking e-mail because Yale's timeline approaches completion... they said that we should be hearing regarding interviews by the end of October or early November - Halloween is tomorrow! Nobody has heard yet, according to a message board to which I'm subscribed. I'm also waiting to hear from George Washington in D.C. (i've kind of written that one off, they're already conducting interviews, but they've not yet rejected me) and Cornell, as well as the school in Boston. I'm interviewing in Philly in January.

Lucy turned 4!! She poops regularly in the toilet, is delightful fun, and will be a witch tomorrow for halloween. She told me yesterday that she wanted to be Batman instead, but I'm not buying any prefab plastic batman suit... I offered for her to be Batwitch - i could put the Batman emblem on her witch dress, but no dice. "That will be make me look crazy, mama!" Isn't that what Halloween is about?

Tomorrow her school does the best thing ever: All the kids go out in their costumes - ages 1-5 - and do a Halloween parade around the block. I think I will pee my pants.

School sucks.

I'm doing OK in Statistics. It's better than I thought it would be, but I haven't had any exams yet, so ask me next week (exam Friday).
I'm doing very well in Microbiology despite the fact that my prof could make the most interesting and exciting subject so boring i feel like repeatedly poking a pencil in my eyeballs for entertainment.
The one class I really enjoy - my microbiology lab - is going to be the death of me! I have totally SUCKED on all my quizzes and quizzes are what count. Those and the final exams. I mean, i LOVE the lab - it's interesting, I know what I'm doing, I really enjoy it, but i really suck at taking the tests in it. I will totally cry if i get a shitty grade in lab.

In any case, I don't think i'll be at UW next quarter. I probably don't have to do school at all after this until I start PA school depending on where I go, but I think I'll do the medical assisting thing anyway, just in case. That should be fun. And the schedule is super-flexible, so i can have a whole day with Lucy again. Hurray!

Quickie

Got official acceptance from Arcadia. I think I will turn it down, but i'm not for sure yet.

Got another interview offer from another school in Philly. Still deciding when I'll go...

Still waiting to hear from Yale (they say late October/eary November but it doesn't feel too early to be obsessed with waiting.... I want Yale.

First exam in Micro today did not go as well as expected. Yada yada yada - we'll have to see about the curve. I *hate* this quarter. I'm so done doing PREREQUISITES! I'm ready for the real thing already!!!

Tick Tock Tick Tock...

So, my classes this quarter are B-O-R-I-N-G.. I have a feeling I won't do all that well - I'm so bored in both my lectures that on Friday I actually tried to write down the names of the 50 states (I came up with 49 - I STILL can't figure out what the last one is... I think we only really have 49 and I just never before bothered to count).

I flew out to Philly on Tuesday for my Arcadia interview, back here on Wednesday. It was exhausting. My interview went very well, the first professor with whom I interviewed practically told me i would get in - without actually telling me. ("you'll be hearing from us soon... I mean, I'm not supposed to say anything, but... you'll be hearing from us soon...). I liked the Professors, it's a highly ranked school, academically very good. There were some things about it though that made me think I would not be happy there.

First, I was very surprised at how young my interview group was. There were several people just finishing undergrad. This is not typical for PA school. Second, I sat in on a class. In a class of around 60 students, I saw one person of color. ONE. Of any color. It was a sea of white - not only just white, but blonde. The town seemed very remote and not at all, well, wonderful for me. The school was not particularly family-friendly (probably a side effect of the young factor). I asked about families and got the "Yes, there are people with kids and families - I don't know how they do it." (from students). And the final thing - a seemingly small thing - there was no recycling on campus. I don't know if they don't have recycling in that town, or what, but any answer I could come up with for it was, well, a tiny red flag. (Yes, I am a goddamned tree-hugging hippie.)

So, I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do if they accept me. Perhaps I will accept them and just wait and see what happens. I am not leaning towards them, but it was nice to go through the interview experience and feel successful.

I'm also considering alternate methods of entry - more gentle progress. I have applied to many schools - they all have a minimum of required clinical experience (I have almost none) - but that leaves out UW and many other schools that interest me. So, I'm thinking of taking some time here to become a medical assistant, actually GET the experience I need to get into a school of my choice. That means I'll have some experience, KNOW it's what I want to do, and be able to get in here or many other interesting places. It just puts it off for a few years... i have mixed feelings on this.

I mean, I want to START already. I'm done with prerequisites, so SICK of them. On the other hand, Lucy will be much more ready for me to be gone a LOT in a few years. The program is incredibly intense - class times are generally 8-5 each day - not to mention study time or any of that. I will be overwhelmed with work. If Lucy is 8 or 9, she will be in school herself, much more involved with her friends and school activities, much less in need for mama.

One thing that has sent my thoughts down this route is how she has been since school started. I don't have my mama day with her any more and I'm in school almost full-time. She has been a total nightmare. Screaming tantrum fits that are completely out of control and for seemingly no reason. I have been exhausted and unhappy and so has she. When I returned from my 2 days away, she had the biggest, longest fit ever. The next day after that, I made a huge effort to be there for her and snuggle and pay attention to her and she became a giant love bug. She is intense, sensitive, anxious and very tied to her mama.

I feel so torn about heading directly into such an intense program.

So here's the current plan: I wait.

If Yale contacts me for an interview, I will go and hope they love me. I think their program would be a wonderful fit for me and I would be insane to turn them down.

If they don't want me, I start M.A. training in January. I get a job the following January and work for a couple years in the field and then apply to programs that i really WANT. Then I go.

Less insane?

More inane?

WTF?

*sigh*

My friends B & K tied the knot last night. They had a gorgeous fun wedding. Katy glowed like crazy. It was great. Lucy wore this red and black plaid polyester number with a ribbon and frills. Even I have to admit she looked adorable (i initially wanted to barf when it was the one she picked out at the store). She wore her polka dot Vans and mardi gras shamrock beads. What a fashionista. When she saw Katy in her wedding dress, she dreamily sighed, "I need to get a dress like THAT, mama."

She's been on-and-off pooping in the toilet. Hurray! She made the switch completely for weeks but then had a difficult one that sent her back to diapers. Yesterday, she pooped in the toilet and she ran down to tell grampa, "It just came out so fast! It was like brown lightening shot out of my butt!"

I will leave you with that.

My First Rejection...

From University of New England (Portland, ME) arrived today. I didn't make it past the first cut to even be interviewed... so sad.

Humpty Dumpty Revisited

I have been feeling out of sorts lately. Not just a little, but real curl-up-in-a-ball-question-the-world-we-live-in-and-my-place-in-it out of sorts. Not only that, but I've discovered a nasty monster that lives inside me over which i have little control. I have been completely out of step with and disconnected from Lucy for many days, and the days were turning into something longer and I was beginning to feel disconnected from me and my friends and my life and my self.

My disconnect manifest itself in a fuse much shorter than is normal for me, and when the fuse came to its explosive demise, the monster emerged and I would say things to my child I didn't expect and be angry in ways I didn't understand. It was like I was standing outside my body until it was over. (Before anyone goes calling CPS, I just mean that I would yell at her at slight provocation - she tested me more than usual and I yelled - there was no hitting or abuse of any kind) It was just not ME in there and I was beginning to wonder if I would return or if for some reason I was sliding into a new me, one i didn't like too much.

I started school this morning and in an attempt to reconnect, I promised to pick Lucy up from school early and take her shoe shopping - she'd just outgrown 2 pairs of shoes this week. Then we were going to go Halloween decoration shopping. We arrived at Northgate mall, a place I've frequented probably twice in my life, but I figured it was an easy Nordstrom to get shoes and it was near the halloween store. As we drove through the parking lot, a couple was crossing into the mall. There was no crosswalk. They were not yet in the road (no, i did not nearly run them down). They flipped me off for not stopping to allow them to jaywalk.

I flipped back
(did i mention I was out of sorts?)

I took Lucy in for shoes
"mama, what did you do?"
"A rude gesture."
"What's a rude gesture?"
"It's like when you are angry and you feel like saying something mean without using words, it was maybe not the best way to express myself."
"oh."

It took for-fucking-ever for us to agree on shoes. She wanted pink sequin slippers. I wanted black vans with cherries. She wanted silver and pink (ugly!) mary janes, I showed her black ones. We FINALLY agreed on some bronze mary janes. I just wanted to get out of there. I carried her and our shoes out to the car.

Those fuckers keyed my car! And not just a little key scratch either. Nope, my mini was gouged all the way around. From rear bumper down the passenger side, across the hood and back again. As you might imagine, I was FURIOUS! That is an understatement. I felt so simultaneously outraged and impotent, I actually wished for very bad things to happen to these people. I'm not the kind of person who does that. I mean, I'm not superstitious, but I don't like to tempt fate, if you know what I mean. I sobbed in fury.

When I finally got hold of myself, I went back inside and to the security surveillance camera area. We spent a good half hour in there looking at footage and we were able to see the couple go to an entrance, meet up with two other people and then split off. The man of the couple went with another guy up and down aisles looking for my car. I'm sure they would not have bothered had I been driving a blue Honda sedan or Ford Taurus. But no, I have to drive a mini Cooper with checkers on the roof. Not hard to find.

They hid, made sure noone was looking and then walked all the way around it and hustled off.

And no, the camera does not zoom in, we could not see any faces, and we did not see where they went. It was all pretty low-tech. But it gave me time to calm down and people with whom to commiserate. Lucy and I grabbed a snack and drink in the food court, snuggled, and made our way back to my poor marred car.

On the way home, Lucy asked why they keyed my car.
"Well, sometimes when you say or do something mean to someone, they only feel mad and want to do or say something mean back to you. They did a mean thing. So I did a mean thing back. So then they did a really mean thing back. When someone does something mean to you like that, you have two choices. You can do something that's mean back to them or you can let it go and end it. I should have let it go and so that's what I'm going to do now." (feeling very proud of my little speach)
"Well, I think you should just run them over!"

?!

At least I got a good laugh over that one.

Then we talked about it some more and she had another solution. When I told her again that I was going to let it go, she said, "You could have said, 'I don't like it when you key my car, so can you please not do that any more?'"

Eureka!

As part of letting it go, we went to the park and then out to dinner. After sharing my tale of woe with friends and family, playing at the park and enjoying a delicious glass of wine with dinner, I was feeling much better. I sank back into myself and had a wonderful evening with Lucy. I didn't feel all tight and pinched inside and she didn't mess with me. All I needed was to be on the receiving end of a little spiteful vandalism to put it all back into place.

And it didn't hurt that Lucy pooped in the toilet at St. Clouds!

And that papa returned from four long days away.

The mundane housekeeping:
School started today.
Statistics seems as though it will be as boring as expected. The prof spent a good half the class time futzing with the computer and not getting it to work and then the second half holding our hands through a very short scientific article. Oh yes, and he has a terrible stutter... I have compassion for the man, but at 8:30 in the morning, I just need a little ZAP in my day....
Microbiology will probably be very much fun. My first lab is tomorrow and i think i get to swab things and make cultures. Huzzah!
No word from any other schools yet...

An Update of all Things

Well, vacation is nearly coming to a close. And, like most people, I didn't get anything done that I'd planned as far as projects around the house. Lucy and I drove to PAWMA in Petaluma CA, camped a coule days in the van, and then picked up papa from the airport and drove down to Monterey to spend a few days with my brother and his family. PAWMA camp was great, as usual. The classes were not as varied and exciting as in years past, for me at least, but I had a great time and my practice was invigorated.

I've been thinking of directions I want to take my training and it was great to hobnob with all sorts of practitioners. One thing I realized as I watched all the demos on Saturday night was how incredibly awesome my particular art (Kajukenbo) is and in particular, our branch (Bones family Gaylord method). Even though I might need to add this and that from other arts, the thing that makes this art so special is that you can add others and use them to improve your Kajukenbo.

Speaking of demos, our demo ROCKED. We were certainly one of the crowd favorites and it went off nearly without a hitch. I was so jazzed. Unfortunately, there was a bit of a video glitch and it didn't get recorded, but trust me, we were great. Good music, headsprings, handsprings, sword play, staff work... oo la la.

Lucy and I flew back and papa drove the van up the coast for a little solo time. A few days after his return, the three of us took off for Albany so that we could meet my close friends' new baby, Ruby Rae. She was ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS. We all fell in love. I've met a lot of babies since Lucy came along, but this was the first one that got my ovaries jumping up and down, if you know what I mean. Thank goodness I have an IUD, or I would have been pregnant immediately.... well, maybe not, but I had a great time helping out with that baby.

We also visited our friends who moved away to Vermont. We met with them for an afternoon halfway between - and their daughter and ours had a great time. It was great for us to see them, but too short and then we said our goodbyes and headed back to NY. I took my dad in for his annual test (he has had bladder cancer in the past, and so has frequent checks) and it came out clear. Hurray for that! He spend the night in our hotel with us to celebrate and then he headed back down to Woodstock. We were there for a whirlwind 6 day trip and it was jam-packed with activity.

Then, back home with 6 days to spare before classes start: Microbiology with lab (hooray!) and Statistics (ew). I'll be taking 10 credits - twice as many as in quarters past.... we'll see how it goes. I'm a bit nervous, but I'd better get used to it.

Speaking of school, my applications were submitted on August 27 and I've already received my first call for an interview. I'm flying out to Philadelphia to interview at Arcadia. I never expected to hear so quickly, but I'm excited! I'm still very hopeful about Yale. I mean, not only is it a reputable program, but the location can't be beat. Accessible to NYC, my friends in Albany, my dad, my friends in Brattleboro... it's very central. One of my dear friends actually lives in New Haven, but unfortunately she is moving back to Berkeley next spring. Alas.

Back home, it's great to be back, eating good food and exercising once again. I made it back to kung fu this morning for the first time in nearly a month. It felt great. My friend B has started with us after supporting Clayton, his fiancée Katy, and me in the art for 8 years! He finally succumbed to the dark side and we are VERY glad to have him.

School Wednesday
Grampa arrives on Oct 2 for a month
First interview in Philly Oct 10 (flying out the 9th, back the 10th so that I miss a minimum of school, but still...)
Lucy pooped in the toilet when we were in NY, but now back at home is back to the diaper *sigh*
She is however completely out of diapers at night and has had nary an accident (furiously knocking wood)
Lucy and Kita had a playdate with papa at the zoo today. By all accounts they all had a great time together with much love to go around. Hurray for that!
I guess that's all the news that's hardly fit to print.

Signing off.

The Shame and the Vacation

So, I didn't do as well as I thought on my O. Chem. I was shocked, seriously, to find that I did so-so on BOTH finals and that I got a final grade of 3.0. I mean, I loved O. Chem, I thought I was doing well on the exams and then I come out with a B, I was surprised, let's leave it at that. I HATED Physics and managed to pull much higher grades in it. What's up with that?

Anyway, as soon as my last final was over, I ran up and grabbed Lucy and the two of us went on a road trip to Portland. We had a GREAT time! We hustled all over the city, stayed in a hotel and had room service, watched cartoons, ate ice cream and generally had a blast. We went down there for the original purpose of attending a friend's wedding, but we made a great vacation out of it. The wedding was awesome, by the way - I mean, how can you beat a wedding in which the bride walks down the aisle to AC/DC's Back in Black. Holy shit, that's the best walking-down-the-aisle song I've ever heard of. The juxtaposition of the blushing bride walking down amid pews of standing attendees, glowing with joy and BAOW-BANAOW-BANAOW....awesome.

Then we visited with my extremely pregnant former college roommate and her wonderful husband. Laura was always an outspoken, hilarious, witty, intelligent, and independent artist in college. Now she is an outspoken, hilarious, witty, intelligent, and independent public defender, wife, and mother-to-be. It's astounding to see someone so unchanging, so essentially the same amidst the changing roles she assumes. It was great fun to be with her again and she always makes me laugh (so does sam, her husband, who Lucy was really taken with - we spent much of the weekend discussing him as she tried to figure him out).

All in all, it was a much-needed mother-daughter experience.

I don't know if I ever followed up my whole reference letter saga - but my former professor who previously opted out recently sent me a letter informing me that she would indeed write the letter. Apparently, there were circumstances, devastating deaths in the family and she was suddenly adopting her 4-year-old niece having absolutely no experience with children and no friends with children. wow. So Lucy and I had a playdate with them the other day. The kids took a while to warm up to each other but were holding hands and chasing one another by the end of the afternoon. It was lovely. I truly cannot imagine what they are all going through.

Lucy and I are driving down to Petaluma, California on Thursday for PAMWA camp (http://www.pawma.org) and sleeping in our van for a few days while I train in various martial arts all day. My mom is flying out and will take Lucy during the day so I can really train all day. I love pawma camp, it's my favorite thing all year! I can't wait. This year, there will be 5 of us from Seattle Kajukenbo and we are doing a demo performance which is going to be COOL on Saturday night. Then Todd will fly down and meet us and we will drive to Monterey to see my brother and his kids. Lu has not seen her cousins since last time PAWMA was in CA, which was over 2 years ago, making her about 21 months old at the time. It will be a blast.

Speaking of Lucy (or Sally - have I mentioned that she changed her name?) - there has been no more pooping in the toilet. She claims she will do it when she is 4. I'm a bit concerned, as she is extremely anxious about it. She has a similar issue with blowing her nose, which is what really concerns me. I mean, she'll blow her nose now, but only after she screams and freaks out about it and refuses and is finally threatened with the nose snorker (the suction device used to snork snot out of babies' noses). She's got a phobia about it and I really think she is developing a similar phobia about pooping in the toilet. I'm growing concerned. I'm thinking if birthday comes and goes and this is still going on, I might want to seek some help, because I don't know what to do to help and to not make it worse at this point. And I really don't feature changing poopy diapers through grade school.

*sigh*

My close friend Sarjan had a beautiful baby girl yesterday. Actually, I don't know that she's beautiful, I haven't seen her, I can only imagine from the genes that went into her... She was 9 pounds 1 oz. Lucy, Todd, and I are flying out to NY shortly after our return from CA to see them all. I'm excited, but also exhausted thinking about all the traveling, travel food and bad nights of sleep ahead...

I suppose that is the update for now. My applications to schools are all submitted, now all I have to do is sit around and wait and wait and wait....

Can't talk. Studying.

Just wanted to mention that LUCY FINALLY POOPED IN THE TOILET! A real poop. A big one. Hurray!

I think i can i think i can i think i...

Well, I'm almost done with O. Chem. I have been studying for a couple hours with a friend, which was good, but also freaks me out a bit about how much I have left to do. I didn't realize how much a shorter quarter (2 weeks shorter) would make it SO MUCH CRAZIER. Ay. Well, Friday I'll be all done with it and I won't have any more O. Chem to do. One thing that is both annoying and exciting is that my prerequisites are different now for PA school than they were for med school. I never have to take another quarter of Physics. Hurray! But unfortunately, the prereq's are different for each program that I look at.

I've officially applied to 11 programs. Most of them on the East coast, a couple in the Southwest, but I'm thinking East Coast is my best bet. My current faves are Yale (long shot), MCPHS in Boston (could be a kind of long shot), George Washington University in DC (who knows?!). There is also a school in Maine, which is probably a better shot, but it is far away in Maine. There are also a couple in Philadelphia that appeal to me, so we'll see.

I have to take the GRE again, which is annoying, but my close friend Elise and I are going to take it together next month, which should be kinda fun.

The more progress with all this, the more I realize that it's the right decision for me. Becoming a PA will no doubt be extremely challenging and consuming, and take me away from Lucy more than I like, but for 2 (or possibly 3) years, it's doable. The light will be right there at the end of the tunnel and when I come out, I can practice in an area that needs me. I can finally be a contributing member of society again. I can do something meaningful, worthwhile, that i love... oh dare i dream....

Right now I'm procrastinating. I have a FAWKING hard exam coming up for O Chem followed by another FAWKING hard O Chem exam 2 days later. Todd is going on a kayak/camping trip on Wednesday so I had better use my time wisely, but right now (it is now the next day from when I began writing this one) my brain needs a little respite.

I can't wait until Friday afternoon. I'm picking Lucy up directly after my final exam and we're piling in to the car and driving down to Portland. We're officially going for a friend's wedding, but I'm making a weekend of it, going to see my old college roommate and dear friend who is about to pop out a new baby and hang out in a nice hotel with my lovely girl for the weekend. I'll probably never want to come back!!

Speaking of lovely girls... we've had more pooping problems. She didn't poop for FOUR days, she holds it when she's at school and then her body gets all messed up - also she's transitioning (mentally mostly) to toilet pooping and I don't know if you've picked this up, but she's a very intelligent, extremely sensitive, and quite an anxious little poopster. She's freaked out about pooping in the toilet, but she really wants to do it... it's stressful for her and all of us. Anyway, we are giving her mineral oil, per doctor's orders, and her poops are coming out finally. Phew. She even pooped a tiny pea-sized one into the toilet this morning. There was much hullaballoo over that and the fancy white dressed re-emerged from the drawer.

We went to the worst party ever yesterday. I won't go into detail to protect the innocent. Suffice it to say that one of Lucy's friends is turning into a real monster, such that I can't even stand to be around her and it pains me to see the way she treats Lucy and everyone around her. It's so hard not to intervene. I will not be making much effort to get them together in future. It is difficult due to other circumstances to maintain distance, but I have decided that it's important for me. It was so bad there that Todd couldn't even stand it more than 20 minutes and he left early and walked home.

Anyway, I'd better get cracking. 4 days and counting... and then I AM SO ON VACATION!!!!

Blazing Ahead

Well, I've completed my PA applications (to NINE programs!!!) in a record one week. I was in a huge hurry because my favorite program (a long shot - Yale) has a deadline for application submission of September 1. That might seem like a lot of time from now, but as you may know, I went to Evergreen, where they have no grades and my transcripts are a Tolstoyesque novel of narrative evaluations.... The central application service has to process my transcripts and spit out a GPA (?!) for me in the time before the deadline. So, not too optimistic about that, but fingers crossed. I've also had several friendly e-mails with the director of admissions there, so we'll see.

As far as my current work - I'm doing pretty well in O. Chem. I did OK on the first exam, not as well as I'd thought, but waaaay better than I felt about Physics. There is still hope for an A, though probably a low A, looming in my future.

I did get kinda screwed on part of my application to CASPA (the PA central application organization...) My letters of reference have to be in to the agency to pass my application on to my prospective programs. I had asked a former professor back in March if she would be able to write me a letter of recommendation. She agreed without hesitation and interviewed me for about an hour to get material for the letter.

I recently sent her an e-mail letting her know that I would still need that letter, but it would be for PA programs instead of med school. I didn't hear back for a couple days, so I called her office and left a message to the same effect. She then sent me an e-mail informing me that she had a family emergency and was having to leave town and would probably not be able to write me my letter of reference.

Now, I totally understand that emergencies happen and I feel for her, it sounded serious, whatever it was. But, I did ask her in MARCH and I assumed she would have had something written down by now that she could just send off. So I got screwed. It sucks, because I've been out of school so long that I don't have a relationship with any more of my former professors. All the recent classes I have are large lecture classes where the professor barely knows who I am.

My Physics professor has agreed to write my academic letter of reference, but it will be impersonal at best. But required, so not much I can do. I asked my O Chem prof to write one, I laid my situation on the line for him, but he didn't feel comfortable doing it, so I let him off the hook. But I have good ones coming from a former employer (and good friend) and another from Dr. C. at the Clinic, so I should be OK.

Fingers crossed, everyone! By this time next year, I could be starting school!

Lucy funny:
She climbed into bed with us the other morning to snuggle and Todd says dreamily, "This is Lucy, she's my daughter..."
Lucy retorts, "I think mama already knows that."

She cracks me up.

A changing of the plans

So, you may wonder where the hell I've been lately. Or maybe nobody's really paying attention, but anyway, here goes. As you know, I've been struggling with my decision to go to med school ever since I made it. The thing is, I really want to be a primary care provider. I looked at Nurse Practitioner a while back and really decided that the nursing model is not for me. And then I looked at Physicians Assistant - essentially the same scope of practice as the NP - primary care (though PAs can have specialty areas), they can prescribe and diagnose - and I dismissed it out of hand because the UW school requires that you have 2 years full-time paid clinical experience before applying to the program.

Well, I've been rethinking my possibilities. I really love my relationship with my daughter. It completely freaks me out that I would be away from her for the better part of 7 years - or at best I would be peripherally there. I am not a peripheral parent. By the time I complete med school, Lucy would be 11 or 12. I'll be ready to hang out with her again just when she will be ready to say good bye and hang out with her friends instead. This does not suit me.

PA school lasts 2 years. It is intense, and though PAs are afforded the same scope of practice as NP's, the PA program is designed on the MD model instead of the nursing model, which suits me much better. So, what about those pesky 4000 hours (2 years) paid clinical experience? Well, I've been wrestling with that one now for a while.

One thing I realized is that we could move. I don't HAVE to go to UW for that. We could live anywhere for 2 years and if we don't like it, we'll return in 2 years. No biggie, really. There are schools that require less clinical experience (actually, they ALL require less than UW) so I'd be ready after a year of it. There are even schools that require NO clinical experience, and I'm applying now. Yes, NOW. There aren't many of those and they still recommend that you have the experience, but it's worth a shot.

While I'm applying, I've been trying to decide the best way to get the clinical experience with little or no training. Most "entry level" clinical jobs are things I'd hate, like phlebotomist, respiratory theapist, EMT, etc. And those requare training anyway. So I figure if I'm going to have to get training, I might as well find something i'd like to do for a couple years - so I'm going off to vocational school in the fall to get a certificate in Medical Assisting. It'll take a year, but then I'll have the certificate and if I haven't gotten into my first round of PA schools, I can get a job and begin getting experience.

I'll apply to the second lot of schools after my 6 - 12 months of experience and if that doesn't work, I'll keep on working as an MA until i'm eligible to apply to UW and then we'll just stay here!

I'm actually incredibly excited and relieved to have made this choice. It means I can still work towards doing what I love - working with people in a medical setting. I can still be a primary care "doc" - spending more time with patients than the MDs usually can and getting to know them a little bit better, performing procedures, etc. etc. etc. I can still get the type of education I want. But I don't have to devote my soul to becoming an MD.

Wish me luck on my new endeavor!

O Chem is going very well. I had my midterm last week, and it remains to be seen how well it's going (grades in on Tuesday) but I have a pretty good feeling about it. I really enjoy it and I'm so incredibly glad to be done with Physics forever. (Oh, didn't i mention, it's not required for PA - and neither is the MCAT!!!!)

Lucy is fabulous. She is having pooping problems lately though - she wants to learn to poop in the toilet, but she is struggling with some pretty bad constipation issues. She pooped a teeny tiny pea-sized poop in the toilet for the very first time (she cried the whole time, she is so scared for some reason, the poor thing - i had gotten her a dress she really wanted as "motivation" for pooping on the toilet so she really really wanted to do it, it was pretty hard for her). Anyway, there was much excitement over the pea-sized poop and she got her dress.

I promptly took her in her new dress to the farmer's market where she told complete strangers, "This is my new poop dress! I got it because I can poop in the toilet now!" Oh, the looks I got.

Where O Where Is My Summer Going?

I just thought I'd post a post since I haven't posted any posts in a while and I'm wondering if people are wondering where have my posts gone... so here i am.

I'm back to training, and really I'm feeling better and better about my test the further away from it that I get. And I don't mean that I'm feeling better about my performance at the test, but that I've been able to absorb some of the many lessons from the test and I feel it was so important in my growth as a martial artist. I do feel I'm reaching a deeper level in my training and I can see how much of this path still remains for me. I had great fun this evening (despite temperatures at the school reaching into the 90s) as we practiced forms and sparring as a monkey or a crane. I was having great success as a monkey!

Organic Chemistry is fun too, but a bit scary. I'm quite nervous about the upcoming midterm. I know I always say blah blah blah about my tests, but I know the exams are going to be hard. We get these monster homeworks each week with a combination of book problems and the prof's own personal problems. His creations are long, detailed, complex and almost always unsolvable (by me). This does not bode well for me. Hopefully the curve will be steep.

We got a camper van. One of those cute little eurovan VW camper dealies. It's something I've always wanted and then when we could finally afford it, Todd was going to get it and i talked him out of it. We don't need more stuff! I'm going a little crazy with the accumulation of late, and frankly, i'm a little grossed out by it, but that's another story. Anyway, we began to drive by one several times and so finally i said, ok go look at it... so we got it and IT'S THE BEST THING WE'VE EVER GOTTEN.

Seriously. I don't drive it around town, in fact, so far I've never driven it about town, but we took it camping this weekend. We just went to shake it out, work out the bugs before our first big camping trip. We went someplace close by and set up shop. For those of you who don't know Lucy, she is a very sensitive person and also quite a city girl. I was a bit worried about how she would respond in the great outdoors. She is freaked out by bugs and noises and suchlike lately, so...

Well, she did great! I mean I worked pretty hard to make it as fun as possibly to get a positive review from her, but seemingly it worked. She loved sleeping in the van in her sleeping bag. She LOVED s'mores. And she loved learning how to pee outside. When we got home, she began to insist on sleeping in her sleeping bag every night. The only thing that bothered her was the popping sound that the fire makes. But I think with experience...

I wish my Summer were not filled with school so that I could take her camping every week! I think we may camp in the van on the street soon, we love it that much.

The three of us will be going again in a couple weeks for a longer jaunt - probably 3 nights a little further from home. I can't wait. Then in September, I'm going to an annual women's martial arts camp that will be held in Northern California this year. I'm going to drive the camper down and sleep in it (so I don't have to contend with a crowded dorm-like setting... i'm kinda over that...) and then Todd and Lu are going to fly down and meet me and we'll drive down to Monterey to see my brother and family - even my mom is flying out from Florida - and then the three of us will drive back, camping all the way! I can't wait.

So that is the update. I'm off now to study for next week's midterm.

Part I. Check.

Well, I did it. It was fawkin' hard. And in totally different ways than I expected.

First of all, I was tremendously nervous, and I've never been very nervous for one of my tests before, but this was the big one. I had been training like crazy for several months, working like a dog to get in awesome shape, and diligently training my injuries away. I had absolutely no time to myself between family, school, and training. It was all about this, and I truly didn't even realize it until after it was over.

She started me with forms, which was good, that was definitely one of the better parts of the test. Then punch counters (set responses to one or two punches to the face) - which is where it started to fall apart for me. I just wasn't feeling right, I wasn't hitting the targets just right and often not blocking. I just didn't feel like i was in my body, so it was almost like it had a split-second delay before I could respond.

Then there was street (more practical free-form street fighting against any one technique). Again, I was still not in my body and there was a delay. Professor (my Sifu's teacher - an honor to have her on my board)'s response to this was to have me spin around in circles around the perimeter of the room and then respond to an attack. Better. But I was losing faith in my ability to do this test.

Then sticky hands (close in technique where you focus on unbalancing and striking a partner while staying stuck together, touching). I spent about 5 minutes doing sticky hands with one of the black belts and that was when professor Bones got up and decided to do sticky hands with me. For about 10 minutes - whack to my face, slap! slap! punch to the gut. ow. I almost lost it - ran to get water and breathe, came back to everyone gearing up with sparring gear.

I had to spar everyone in the school one by one - the last person was a black belt and i was to demonstrate jamming. I made some crack about jamming using my face, which i then promptly did and got a forearm smash to the nose. Got up to continue fighting, realized I was dizzy and saw stars and then laid down with ice on my face. I was overwhelmed. It was not good.

But after about 10 minutes of sobbing in the bathroom and feeling like a fraud and knowing everyone was waiting for me, I went back out and went on with the test. Two-on-one sparring and then that part was over. After that, there was some teaching stuff where I had to demonstrate my teaching skills and then at the end, more forms while I answered questions about the art and my feelings about it. Then 10-15 minutes of horse stance answering more questions and that was that. It was over.

That was how it looked from the inside. All that build up and each minor thing that went wrong was like a huge disappointment to me. It was all out of proportion and my emotions got the best of me at times. But each time I came back. Each time I was able to fight and was able to do everything that was asked of me. Each time I showed my spirit.

And I got my black belt. People swarmed me with hugs and congratulations and words of admiration and adulation and said I inspired them and all I could hear was the hum of my brain and feel like I wanted to cry and laugh and throw up.

I did it. I am a first degree black belt in kajukenbo. I am still filled with emotion as I write it.

In other news, I have decided to postpone my application to med school by a year. I am insanely trying to "review" for classes I still need to take while also taking those classes. I've finally realized that it's ridiculous and that if I wait one year, I will have actually completed the necessary material, and actually stand a chance of doing well.

With that decision, I feel slight disappointment that I can't get it all done and get the ball rolling, but I feel a huge relief that I have time to learn what I need to learn and that I can now take some time for myself, since I also won't be training every free moment.

My life is about to change.

The Moment of Truth

Well, ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow is the day. I'm freaked out, excited, freaked out, nervous, ready, freaked out, impatient, freaked out, and oh yes, a little freaked out.

I'm in the best shape of my life, but my hips are really tight and injured. My back is almost 100% better. I'm exhausted and have not been sleeping very well in my freaked-outedness. I'm thrilled by how many people have said they're planning to come and feel tremendously supported. I'm thrilled my mom is here, my dad sent flowers, and all my ducks are in a row. This is seriously going to be the most difficult thing I've ever done. Seriously.

I'm a bit freaked out.

In other news, I started my MCAT class and Organic Chemistry this week. I absolutely love Organic Chemistry. Finally, something that makes sense to me, something I can sink my teeth into. On the other hand, I feel completely out of my league in preparing for the MCAT. For one thing, there are several things I haven't even learned yet. The Organic (1 - 2 quarters to go) Inorganic (1 more quarter) and the Physics (1 more quarter). I thought I'd pick it up as I go, but those things are CRAZY. And the other thing is biology, which is in my distant past and has changed tremendously since I took it.

With all that in mind, I'm seriously considering putting off my application for another year, so I can actually be prepared for the MCAT (you know, like after I've actually taken all the classes covered). Oy. I really want to be done with this pre-med stuff and apply for the real deal. But at the same time, I'm really treading water in the MCAT prep and I feel totally unprepared at times. This is a quandary.

But for now, I have other things to focus on.

Oh yes, there was an annoying drama involving Lucy's best friend and child care for the test. Suffice it to say that it involved a severe lack of consideration for the fact that I'm testing for my black belt tomorrow. In any case, I'm getting over it.

Today is my fabulous dear friend Clayton's birthday. I picked Lucy up from preschool early and we went to the Chocolate factory for a tour (and so that I could get Sifu a bunch of chocolate as an offering) where we all overdosed on chocolate. Came home, took a nap (ha ha) and went to get gifts for all members of the board. Todd's making a nice carbalicious supper, and I plan to go to bed early (ha ha).

Wish me luck. The next time I write, I will have completed one of the two goals outlined at the outset of this blog. Black belt. Check? Med school, next!

Funny Lucy quote of the day:
In the chocolate, upon being told that she was only allowed one more piece of chocolate (by me):
"One piece doesn't suit me!"

Creeping up

Well, it's officially the one week countdown. Thus far, I've been relatively blasé about the test, i mean, not exactly, but I've been doing what i need to do and sort of even looking forward to it, inviting friends etc. Well, folks, it's officially time to PAAAAAANIC!!!!!

I mean seriously. I was sitting and talking with a friend yesterday and she asked me what is different about getting a black belt than getting any other rank. As I explained it to her, a fear grew in my belly that I would actually have to demonstrate some of these things.

When I was about to test for my brown belt, about two weeks before the test, I got an e-mail from Sifu saying that she was having doubts that I should test so early (it was quite close to my green belt test). She had some concerns about my fighting skills. I had a conversation with her later that day (after weeping like a little girl and then growing rapidly pissed off) and she gave me the option to test or to postpone. She was worried that it would not be a good test for me and that there would be a lot asked of me as far as my advanced fighting skills.

I decided to test, and after much getting over of the hurt feelings, I decided to totally kick its ass. I did it too. And it was a hard test. I can't tell you how many people came up to me afterwards, flabbergasted by the level of intensity demanded of me at that test. I think Sifu knew that she lit a fire under my ass and she wanted me to show it. I did. And then I knew that my black belt test was going to be a killer. I put that in the back of my mind.

I was explaning to my friend (and now to those of you who aren't in kung fu with me) about the difference between getting my black belt and reaching brown. First, there is no new material between brown and black, it's all about mastering material you already know. I thought I'd get bored with that, but I really didn't. I reached a couple plateaus, especially in my fighting skills, but I grew a lot this year. A lot.

I will be expected to show not just a knowledge of the material, which all previous ranks focus on, but now to allow the art to express itself through me, and to express it the way that I've taken it in. I will be faced with extremely difficult situations unfamiliar to me and asked to draw on all my skills without losing sight of the whole art by focusing on the difficulties or techniques. I have to do what I know. I need to show what I have.

I know I have a lot. But I also know that there is a LOT that i'm uncomfortable with. Throw me under a pile of people and ask me to get out from their grabs and chokes and I will do it. It might take a while, but I will do it. Hand them some knives and sticks and I tend to panic.

Sparring with one person, no problem. Throw in another and it's difficult. Add two or three more and it's no problem. (go figure) Give them some sticks and knives and, well.... you see where this is going. And I just have no idea what to expect.

Not to mention the exhaustion factor. This is a long, arduous test. I think Clayton and Julia's test was about 4 and a half hours. There were two of them, but I don't imagine it will be shorter with just me.

Oh yeah, did i mention that it will be JUST ME up there???

One thing I will say, though, is that I feel so totally supported my so many people right now. People are making a huge effort to support me in getting my black belt. One person is waiting a week to move into their new house that they just bought so they can be at the test. One person is skipping an annual party to be there. People have joined forces to make a nice party at a friend's house for afterwards and Clayton has offered to make invitations to that.

Dave has spent significant time training with me after hours and for long hours to help me prepare. Tristan has joined us when she can.

After some initial drama involving my husband and mom, my mom is coming from Florida. Tons of friends have said that they would be there to watch, even if just for a part of the test (did i mention that it's long?) including Dr. D from the clinic.

I am so grateful to have all that support.

I started my MCAT class (again). I feel stupid and like I can never get a good enough score on the exam. I took a practice Physics subject test today and got 38%. It was demoralizing. I know a lot of what I'm taking the class for is becoming comfortable with MCAT style questions (they like to be tricky) but still... demoralizing.

Monday I start O. Chem. I'd better get cracking! At least my studies will distract me from that PAAAAANIC!

Still Here...

Things have been smooth and busy lately, hence the blog inactivity. I just wanted to mention that my test is in THREE WEEKS (from tomorrow)!!!! I'm feeling pretty good - I'm just training as much as possible while still getting another A in Physics (seriously) and also taking care of my little one.

Sarv was here for a couple weeks, which was great! We miss him. I'm feeling sad and empty-housed now that he's gone (and Todd is out and Lucy's asleep).

Lu has been a real doll these past couple weeks. I find that my patience is often quite limited lately, but I'm trying to get a handle on it. Tonight I joked with her about how my patience was getting smaller and was the size of a walnut, so if she didn't get her #$%&! pajamas on it would get even smaller. Well, kinda joked. She thought it was funny. She hadn't napped and was asleep in a few short minutes after hitting the pillow....

She's been preoccupied with death lately. It's disconcerting. It's hard for me to be reassuring when I'm so uncertain about my beliefs there. I tell her that only our body dies and that our spirit lives on afterwards. She also asks a lot of questions about people who have died, like Jimmy, her grandfather (Todd's dad), Grampa's parents and asks why they died. She doesn't want to die and is afraid of it.

We also talk about how to keep our bodies healthy, which is certainly where I feel much more comfortable. She's so confident in her understanding of that - "I'll never eat that bad junk food ever!" Tee hee. When she asked why her grandfather (Todd's dad again) got sick enough to die, I told her that he didn't take care of his body and did things that were very bad for it and eventually it couldn't repair itself. She then asked what sorts of things keep our body healthy (hurray!) and I told her about eating healthy grow foods and moving around and playing all the time. What fun!

So, did I mention that I'm testing for my black belt?

I had my last Physics class of the quarter today. Final's on Tuesday. As long as I don't totally screw the pooch on the final (possible) I'll be getting my A! Hurray! Who'da thunk...

Then the ridiculous MCAT prep class and O. Chem. My Summer is gonna suck. It may prove to be too much, in which case I'll have to decide whether or not to continue with O. Chem or the MCAT class. Dropping the MCAT class and postponing my MCAT basically postpones my med school application for a year. O. Chem can wait, but I wouldn't be able to take biochem in time, which would be a drag... I'm weighing my options and waiting to see just how completely crazy it is to do both. At least I won't be preparing for my black belt any more.

Lucy started kung fu! And she loves it. She is also doing gymnastics and she is fantastic! She really throws herself into it and has a great time. I'm so impressed by her. I'm letting her lead the way and let me know if she wants to let any of it go - there's a circus class I'd love for her to try, but seriously... anyway, she's so excited to go to both things that we have been unable to drop either. We'll see how it goes next session when she'll probably have a different teacher in gymnastics. That could change everything. Of course not with kung fu - Tristan teaches the little ones and she adores Tristan.

I guess that's the update for now....

Pluggin' Away

Well, the countdown continues. 5 weeks and 4 days until my black belt test. Did you hear me, FIVE WEEKS AND FOUR DAYS!!!! Holy man.

My Mondays are pretty much all about training - I do about an hour of self-training at the school, followed by an hour of death-training with the trainer at the gym. Then, Physics, then in the evening 1 - 2 hours of kung fu class, and once a month (last night) there is brown/black belt class at 7 star which I also attend. I was VERY tired when I came home last night. I'm upping my personal training for the rest of this month to 2x/week. It's really helping with my conditioning, I can't imagine trying to do this without help!

On the upside - the test is at the beginning of the Summer, which means I get to show off my finely-tuned machine of a body for the remainder of swimsuit season. :)

There are only 3 more weeks left of the quarter - one more exam and then the final. I think I did pretty well on that last exam, but I won't know until tomorrow.

Tonight my dad arrives for 2 weeks! I'm very excited, as is Lucy. I told her she could stay up late and wait for him to arrive, so long as she has a nap at school today. Hurray for grampas and free babysitters! Heh.

I have been working hard on my AMCAS application (the central application for medical school). I have a pretty reasonable rough draft of my personal statement, which is the hard part. I have filled out *most* of the rest of it - now it's just a matter of fine-tuning and then of course waiting until August 20 to take my MCAT.

I've been feeling so committed to getting into medical school, that I realized that if i don't get in, I will be devastated.... let's not go there.

My Summer is going to be crazy. I think I will have to quit or at least minimize the clinic, which makes me utterly sad. But I need to do everything I can to crank the MCAT. I am so looking forward to that being over...

Well, time for me to get Grampa's bed and room ready.

The Ego Gets a Stroke

In the clinic the other day, Dr. C took me aside to aske me what *I* thought about the other student - a Nurse Practitioner student who is doing a rotation in the peds clinic. Me, a premed with absolutely no training (yet). I gave her my opinion - basically that the student is nice, but that she relies mainly on her knowledge of text, follows the form she wants to fill out, and doesn't listen to the experience of the parents. This is clearly frustrating for parents, which (when she's taking a history) is usually when i step in basically to repeat something a parent said.

Anyway, Dr. C completely agreed with me and told me she was glad it wasn't just her, (there were some other things that bothered her as well) and she was going to have a talk with her.

*puffs chest out with pride*

I just felt like she really trusted my opinion and also that she viewed me as a capable person in the medical field. Hurray!

It's nice to get noticed.

Also, I sort of kicked my Physics test's ass today. Well, maybe not, but it felt pretty OK. It's so hard to tell.

Lucy is calling me, "I'm ready for you mama!!!!!" Time to put the little booger to bed.

More Angry Moments

Lucy: I'm mad!
Papa: Why are you so mad?
Lucy: Because mama drank my FRICKIN' water!

New Forms of Protest

I walked in to the house yesterday to find my daughter bare-bottomed.

"What happened to your pants?"
"I was so mad, I took off my pants."
"Oh."

The bipolar nature of being me

I went to a medical school info session at my local med school of choice. It was really exciting! (No, i am being serious... i'm excited). The first half was a description of the curriculum here, which is really innovative and well-suited to me. Lots of small group learning and opportunities to work with underserved populations. I got all jittery thinking of myself as a medical student - imagining myself as one of those students, an actual member of a medical team. I'm all gooey about it.

The second half of the session was an admissions person describing what it takes to get in. As she went over everything, I began to feel comfortable, like yes, i am an extremely desirable candidate. I have good academic records, solid clinical experience, a long work history, an interesting background, etc. etc. Then at the Q & A at the end, I asked about Evergreen and what would be done with my transcripts.

(For those of you who don't know me personally, I went to the Evergreen State College as an undergrad. It is an alternative school, which focuses on collaborative interdisciplinary studies and also offers no grades. Students are given comprehensive written evaluations from each of their professors instead.)

I was essentially told that my transcripts would be ignored and that they would calculate a GPA estimate based on my MCAT scores. YIKES! Way to put double pressure on my MCAT!!!! That also means that they will ignore all the excellent grades I've gotten SINCE Evergreen - and the MCAT will be the only thing quantified - at least in the first round of the application process until they get to the interviews, assuming i make it that far.

Holy shit! I'd better get cracking.

So, yeah, that changes my focus a little. I mean, i still want to ace Physics and all the classes that follow, but I really need to start cracking down on MCAT studies NOW.

That's what I'm doing right now, by the way. :)

Lucy is no longer a nursling! The weaning process was SO much easier than I'd anticipated. We started a little over a week ago, I said she could get a Mater (truck from "Cars") when we went down to 2 times a day. That was relatively painless. Then on Friday night, I told her about Sally (Porsche from "Cars" - yes, i had a stash) - she could get Sally when we went down to one time a day. When she realized there were more cars to be had, she said she was ready to stop nursing, so I got out Doc and Lightening.

She fussed a little at bed time that night but i cuddled with her and told her that I knew it was really hard to make that decision and that she could nurse if she wanted to and I would put the cars away until she was ready. She wanted the cars more than nursing and so contented to snuggle.

There have been a couple moments like that, but she is seemingly at peace with no nursing! I thought I'd feel a little sad about it, but I'm so proud of her and I'm really just excited to move out of that phase of life. It'll be nice to have my boobs back to myself.

I know a lot of people question the fact that we nursed so long, but first I would like to say, well, basically, it's none of your business and so there. But since I just made it your business by writing about it publicly, I would just like to say that there is no other choice I would have made with this child. I have an incredibly attached, intelligent, articulate, and sensitive child who is also amazingly INDEPENDENT.

In many children, nursing is the only time they stop, settle, and relax. It is also a time to cuddle and connect with mama. We enjoyed that relationship for a long time and I know that if I'd tried to wean a year or even 6 months ago (i often suggested that we would soon stop and got a NOT YET type response) it would be met with terrible resistance and regression, as has been the case with transitions I've attempted to force or speed up with her. I know that we were both ready for this change because (knock wood) it has been absolutely painless. She has been a joy to be around and I think she is really proud of herself for making the decision to stop.

She turns 3 and a half, gets her first haircut (oh man it's cute), and quits nursing all in the same week!

Well back to the books.

Thoughts and Inspiration

As any of you who have been reading my blog know, I've been tormented with whether or not to go to med school. I'm back. I'm forth. I'm in. I'm out... tormented is not an understatement.

Well, I've spent much of the week perusing a blog written by a mother of 3, who after staying at home with her children for several years and never felt quite settled (i'm paraphrasing, but only because I feel so familiar with it), tried and got in to her first choice medical school. The blog chronicles her from her interviews and application process through medical school, where she is MS3 (that med student, third year for the rest of y'all). It tells of the ups and downs, and they are extreme in the process, and I consistently feel like "yes! That's me! I CAN do this! And i WANT to do this!!!"

We'll see how I feel tomorrow. Wait, tomorrow is Kids Clinic, I will certainly feel this way tomorrow :)

I've been drawing parallels between reaching black belt in kung fu and becoming a doctor. Black belt is a goal I've held for 9 years. It always felt like, well, when I get a black belt, that will be huge. I'll know all I need to know - I mean, I never thought I would know all I need to know, but you know... that I will be THERE. Once I realized that I would NEVER know all I needed to know, I was much more open to learning all I could. I think in medicine it will be the same way.

It's easy to think that doctors should be at that place, should know everything. I think that attitude destroys a lot of doctors, makes them feel inadequate. Or many doctors feel that they are there and that makes them arrogant and lousy doctors because of their unwillingness to accept what they don't know.

There is a balance to be found. To know that you can never know enough. To allow that knowledge to keep you open to learning everything you want to know. Constant openness to learning, that's part of what makes a good doctor. One that knows she is not THERE, but relishes that instead of punishing herself.

I walk on either side of that line in kung fu a lot, and I'm sure I will with medicine as well.

/pontification

Got my grade back from the first physics exam. Did much better than expected. Stop laughing.

Overheard from my basement:
Papa drops something
Papa: Shit!
Lucy: Don't say shit. That's not nice. I don't say shit. I DON'T! I don't say shit. I don't say crock of shit either.

Where did she ever even HEAR that one?! Grampa?

Today Lucy is 3 and a half.
Today marks 2 months left until my black belt test. TWO!

p.s. Katy and Tiffany, two great ladies, tested for their orange belts last Thursday night. They were awesome. It was amazing to see how they've progressed, both with each their own strengths and weaknesses, from when they began a little over a year ago. Congratulations orangeys! Where have you been? We have yet to see the new belts ;)

Oh no, not again

Just a short rant. Why does physics suck?

2nd quarter. I studied for the first exam AGAIN. I saw the tutor. I felt pretty comfortable and AGAIN i sat down and didn't even recognize what I was looking at.

This SUCKS! Seriously, I feel like I need to constantly be solving physics problems in all my spare time just to figure anything out. I forget instantly how to solve problems the moment I walk away. It's not good.

I'm feeling sorry for myself. Anyway, hopefully others will have felt the same way and the curve will be huge. You never know....

A funny story -

Yesterday, lucy was freaking out about a teeny tiny spider on the wall in the kitchen.

"Get it mama! Get it!"
(Tired morning mama) "Ok, OK, where is it? I don't know if i can get it."
"Papa gets them easy, get it!"
"OK, hang on."
As i reach for the spider with the paper towel and it's skittering around, she shouts, "Get it mama! It's UNSTOPPABLE!"

I'm still laughing about that one.

Less is More

So I officially bit off more than I could chew.

I started the 2nd quarter of Organic Chem - I took a quarter of it at a different University about 5 years ago and did well, so i thought, sure, why not, i can totally pick up wherevery they left off. Well, I was tragically misguided - I spent a week trying to fill myself in on 2 quarters of Organic Chemistry at once. It was ridiculous. So I dropped that and entered the 2nd quarter of Physics instead. I was so happy to be doing something I recognized, I realized I was actually enjoying Physics! Ah the irony...

Then there is the MCAT class. I was in that for a week and I was not seeing my family at all. It was miserable. I had kung fu Tues and Thurs nights, and MCAT on Wednesday plus the occasional Monday - that coupled with being away from Lucy most days, I was not getting any good family time. I realized it was too much, I couldn't even keep up with my homework, much less enjoy my family. So I postponed the MCAT class until June, so I can focus on my kung fu training (2 and a half months and counting - but who's counting) and hopefully ace Physics while I'm at it.

That makes my MCAT class an intensive (M, W, F class - 3 hours each, it's completely insane) plus I'll be taking the first quarter of O Chem - so i'll be crazed during the summer, but at least I'll be done with my black belt test. And it's a day class, so I won't be gone from Lucy quite so much.

I ran 4 miles today with my friend Elise and then did all my forms for her on the pier. I don't think i've ever run 4 miles before! I was very proud of myself. Plus, she enjoyed watching my forms so much that she has decided to try kung fu starting on Monday. Hurray! And someone inside a restaurant overlooking the pier ran out to ask me what I was doing and to tell me that she had to try it herself, so I may have just landed us 2 new recruits. Awesome.

Lucy's been sick. I've been completely crazed. She wants only mama when she's sick and we haven't been sleeping very well. I accidentally dropped her this morning and to add injury to insult... i gave her a bloody nose. She was completely miserable with a snotting bloody nose all morning. She seems to be feeling better now, so i have hopes for this evening's sleep...

2 months 2 weeks and 2 days to black belt
4 and a half months to MCAT
and then
ONE GLORIOUS MONTH of vacation

Rollercoaster Ridin'

You know that feeling as you slowly truck up to the top of the rollercoaster, terrified and thrilled, excited, elated, and a little bit sick just anticipating what is to come.... that's how i'm feeling lately.

There was a belt test at the school Saturday - advanced belts all grunting and sweating to prove themselves to an enormous panel of black belts. It was a great test, inspiring and in the end, emotional. I laughed, I cried...

It was the last test before my test.

Holy shit.

My injuries have kept me from really pushing like i did before previous tests. My martial arts is improving, but I'm definitely not physically THERE yet. I can't really hold a horse stance (thank you hip dysplasia - maybe i should be put out to pasture like a german shephard), I can't do sweeps and I've said goodbye to most high kicks. Lately, I can't even do a roundhouse kick because of the new problem in my other hip.

Surprisingly, all this said, until now, I've been fairly optimistic about my test. Until now, I've been focused on feeling good, retraining my muscles to work correctly - getting out of pain, and for the most part, I'm able to keep my pain in check. Doing what i do now, that is, which is somewhat gingerly practicing the art of kung fu.

I now need to kick up my training a notch. I'm a little afraid I'll hurt myself and not be able to test.

More than a little afraid.

Then, of course, there are the skills.

Oh yes, and finding the TIME to train... how's that again?

I've literally mapped out my next two weeks: each day from Lucy drop-off to Lucy pick-up and then some - It is entirely filled with stuff I have to do - class stuff, MCAT prep class stuff, and kung fu training stuff.

The moment of truth is here. I have it planned out, down to the infinitesimal detail of how much of my homework I need to do each day for each class - now it's time to put it all into action and get ready for the black belt test and then shortly thereafter, the MCAT.

WHEEEEEEEEEEE!

Moments of doubt

Still with the ups and downs. I mean, I still feel like this is it, but I now have real moments of doubt. Now the doubt isn't about whether or not I can do it, I really feel that I can, but I have momentary lapses into what-if territory.

What would it be like to just move to Italy for a couple years and travel around and discover new people, a new life?
What would it be like to travel around with Lucy and Todd, showing Lu the world and learning together?

What will it be like to be 40 and just starting a practice or career?
What will my family be like with all the time sacrifices I will be making?

If it is so hard to take one or two classes, what will it be like when I have an overfull load? Will i even have ANY time for myself? I have so little now.

Most of all, I know that being a stay-at-home mom is not for me. Not in the long run. I need something to sink my teeth into, something to feel passionate about, something to work on. Becoming a doctor is the peak of that reality. But I feel that if I don't make it, if I don't get in, if my relationship with Lucy suffers and my relationship with Todd falls apart and I have to quit... there are other options out there in the world.

I say that now. But only because I haven't been to the Kids Clinic in a couple weeks. Next Tuesday...

I didn't get to go back to Kung Fu today. I'm exhausted from the trip and the quarter. I was feeling a little something coming on so I stayed home. I also have this mysterious pain in my OTHER hip which is freaking me out. Jesus.

I'll go to the gym tomorrow and hopefully get a kung fu workout in sometime this weekend.

Time to go put the little miss to bed!

Disconnect and Reconnect

Spring Break!

Lucy and I just returned from a hectic 5-day trip to New Orleans where my small but tight-knit neurotic family goes each year to visit my great aunt Charlotte. I had just finished my first quarter at school and really needed a break. Not that I don't love my family, and of course Lucy, but traveling alone with my 3 year old across country was just not the relaxation I had in mind. But I love to see my family and Lucy was really excited about seeing her grampa, so off we went.

There was an unusual amount of family mishigas, and the schedule was truly hectic - I didn't even get to visit the quarter ONCE while I was there this time, my friends told me that meant I was truly a local. Our very expensive hotel room was another story (we stayed in 5 rooms in 3 nights) - adding to the frenzy that was my week. One thing I did not count on was how much I really needed that quality time with Lucy.

I still get to be with Lucy every afternoon plus half a day a week, but it has been stressful at times during the quarter. When I'm home I think about school and always have schoolwork to do. We go our separate ways during the week, as people do, and on the weekends I struggle to find time to study. It has been wonderful and rewarding and challenging and good for ME, but I do not get that much time with just Lucy and Mama.

I just got back from 5 days of Lucy and Mama. Aside from the transition day - the day after we arrived in New Orleans - Lucy was a delight. I found my patience. We played, made each other laugh, had great conversations and enjoyed each other's company. We got on each other's nerves from time to time, but I have to say, I loved my time with her. I needed that time with her.

I had been dreading the trip. I love to go to New Orleans, I love to spend time with the family, I just knew that I was exhausted and again, I just needed to relax.

But it was worth it.

Many things went wrong on this trip. The hotel, the car, the family. But the most important thing of all went right. It was worth it.

I'm so glad to be home.

I'm fucking tired.

And by the way a 3.6 in Physics. Do you believe that one?!

Next up: Organic Chemistry - the 2nd part in a 3 part series that I took at a different school over 5 years ago. Just a glutton for punishment, i am.

Back to kung fu tomorrow. Hurray!

The good, the bad, and the not so bad

A recap of the past month...

Health/Body Stuff:
I was prescribed a huge dose of anti-inflammatories for my back problem (the disc issue). I was out of back pain for a couple weeks and happily taking naproxen (aleve) when i got this hideous stomach-ache which turned out to be a bleeding ulcer. yay.

So, now I'm on meds for my ulcer, which is healing nicely, but i'm experiencing a pain hangover in my back. Actually, I'm handling it OK, physical therapy seems to be helping and I had acupuncture today, which helped a lot. I think I can manage it.

My hip is in stasis - i seem to know what to do so as to not aggravate it too much, but I can no longer kick that high on the left. But surprisingly, i'm not that upset about that. I still do some things that bug it, but for the most part, like i said, stasis. I've been able to train with regular intensity lately.

I've signed up for many sessions with my trainer at the gym in preparation for my test, and he is WORKING me! It's great. I feel like my stamina at least, will be ready for black belt. (June 23!!!)

School/Pre-med Stuff:
My first test was quite the eye-opener. Well, I got myself a tutor and he has helped me figure out how to figure out problems. Also, just having more and more and more experience makes me much more comfortable in the language of Physics. After I got the graded on the curve (I got 12 points out of 40) I still managed to land a B or so. My second test went much better and I got 27 points out of 40, which landed me a high B and in the top 10% of the class! I can do this. My next exam will be next Friday and then only finals remain for this first quarter of school.

I start my MCAT review class in a week and that will add much joy and delight to my life.

I absolutely adore working the Kids Clinic. Every week, I drive up there and I am actually looking forward to my time there. I love all the kids and I'm learning what it's like to be a doctor. I love being a fly on the wall and every week I think to myself, Peds! I must do Peds! I almost can't imagine wanting to do anything else, but i'm sure i'll feel that way about more than one rotation. It's so exciting. And it makes me really feel positive about the direction I've chosen.

Now that I'm in it, my indecision is gone. I mean, I know there will be times, moments of doubt, but the longer I spend working towards it, the more confident I am that Medicine is what I'm meant to do. And that I'll be goddamned good at it. I am so relieved to feel that way!

Lucy Stuff:
Little miss Lu is doing great. She pees in the potty and now even at daycare and out in public. She still poops in diapers, but I'm not so concerned over that. All in good time.

She is hilarious and smart and keeps me busy all the time. I love her.

A funny story:
We were taking the bus to school a couple weeks ago, which is kind of an ordeal for us. We have to take the stroller to the bus shelter because it is about 1/2 a mile away and then we have to take 2 buses. But I like to take the bus and I like to not drive.

Included in tuition at UW is a bus pass. They send students a validation sticker each quarter to put on the ID card and that is supposed to let you ride the bus. I had been using my ID card all quarter not realizing that I didn't have the right sticker on it. I did have a sticker which displayed my name and that I was a student Winter quarter, but not the bus validation sticker. I had no idea.

I climb on the bus with Lucy and the stroller and bag of stuff and show the driver my pass. He asks to see it more closely so I hand it to him.

"This is not the right sticker." He helpfully informs me.
"Oh. Well, that is the one I got in the mail. Maybe because it's my first quarter, they send you the big sticker for the front..."
"Ma'am, I'm quite familiar with how these are supposed to look"
(Like I'm trying to scam the bus system for a free ride)
"Oh, well, that's the one they sent me, I don't have another sticker."
"I'm afraid you're going to have to pay bus fare, then."
Irately, "I don't have bus fare!"
"Well, then you're going to have to get off the bus."

I couldn't believe this guy. I was PISSED! I mean, even if i *was* trying to scam the bus system for $1.50 (which i wasn't) who the fuck would kick a student mother and her 3 year old off the bus?!

I grabbed Lucy, called the guy an asshole and dragged her and our stuff off the bus to wait for the next one. I was so pissed.

Lucy yells, "Why are we getting off the bus? I want to ride the bus RIGHT NOW! WHY DID HE TELL US TO GET OFF THE BUS?!"
"Because he's being a shithead," I told her, still within earshot.

We waited 15 minutes for the next bus and by the time it arrived, I had cooled off.

The next bus comes and since we're at the turnaround, the driver gets off the bus for his break. Lucy looks at him and says,
"The other brown one was being a shithead!"

Oh man. That's my girl.

That driver could not believe his ears. He asked me what she said, and so I had to tell him the whole story. He too couldn't believe what a shithead that other driver was being. He told me as long as I hadn't peed in my pants and wasn't completely drunk, I could ride the bus.

In other news, at 3.4 years old, my little lucy is learning to read. Of course she is ;)

Husband Stuff:
He's nice.

He's going through hard times and it's also hard for us to get much time together. The time we do spend together is nice and snuggly, but it's not often and our sleep schedules don't really coincide.

He's a great papa (he's up giving our crazy girl a bath before I put her to bed) and he loves his family.

But he's having a hard time and is going through stuff (and has been really for a couple years now).
We love him.

Other stuff:
Who has time for other stuff?

More wrenches in my machine

So it turns out i have a fucking labral tear. Just like todd (i think it must be contagious. fucker.)

I seem to have caught it early that it could heal, provided i take real good care of it. Which is going to be really easy now that i have a fucking BLACK BELT TEST coming.

Oh yeah. And a disc problem. Seems that my back issue and hip issue are pretty unrelated and they both FUCKING SUCK ASSES as far as my kung fu training goes.

I'm going to quit harborview, basically so that I have time to do the Physical Therapy, deep tissue massage, acupuncture, and whatever the fuck it takes to care for my hip - so that I don't have to slow down on training and can take my test in 5 months.

Fuck.

Tomorrow: Physics. I'm going to flee when test scores are given.

Discouraged, disheartened, and dismayed

Well, I took that first test. I studied my ass off. Had a study group on Sunday, studied late into last night, took the morning off from the hospital to study - which i did the whole time, and I finally felt sort of ready.

I went in, not feeling too bad, and we get the test. I look at the first problem. WHAT? OK. Don't panic. Move on to the next problem. WHAT? OK, maybe a little panic sets in. Do as much as I can. Move on. Third problem. WHAAAAAAAA?... OK... I can do this one. Vaguely. Not sure if the numbers pan out, but half an hour is up and only 20 minutes to go. Last problem... WHAT THE FUCK?! I didn't even know where to begin. Turns out I could have easily answered that last problem, but I misread the diagram and thought I didn't have the information which REALLY PISSES ME OFF.

I have never in my life had this experience. I've never tried anything, I mean really tried, and still been unable to do well. This is new and I have to say, extremely discouraging. I mean, what if this one class (well, 2 - 3 quarters of this one class) is the one thing between me and medical school. My grades are good other than this, mostly good anyway, but also I went to an undergraduate institution that didn't offer grades, but instead offered extensive written evaluations. They have nothing to quantify me by but all the postbac work that I am doing and have done and while most of it is (ahem) stellar, this is the SUCK. I definitely flunked this one. I give myself (generously) 30%. It is on a curve, but still...

I guess I need a tutor. This is so pathetic. I am taking ONE class, and I have barely enough time to keep up in it. And now. Shit.

But, good news. I've been given a black belt test date (estimate) of June 16. I can finally start panicking about that! Hurray! I'm really excited about it actually. I did skip class tonight, however, because i am also not feeling well.

WAAAAAAH!

Water water everywhere

Guess who peed in the potty? Twice!

Yeah, my recent strategy must have paid off. That, or she's goddamned ready to pee in the potty already. She's been wearing underpants around the house for a few weeks - she'll tell me she has to go pee or poop and then make me put a diaper on. Fine. But lately, I've been telling her to take off her pants and undies and sit on the potty and wait until i'm done doing X, Y. or Z and then i'll get the diaper out. I've been dallying.

Tonight, she was watching her Lilo and Stitch and she had to pee, so I pulled my usual delay tactic - sit on the potty until i'm done knitting this row and then i'll get a diaper - she says, "no, i want to pee in the potty" all matter-of-fact-like. She sits down and BAM out comes the pee like she's been doing it all her life.

Then again at bedtime, BAM more pee.

Hurray!

Perhaps tomorrow will be a diaper free day? Dare I dream?

Physics still sucks. I can barely keep up. It's demoralizing.

My first exam is next Tuesday. Stay tuned.

Feeling Better

Lucy's quote of the evening:
Mommy, you're not a penguin. You have a short nose and hair.

IH8 FZKS (warning, this is a little graphic... i'm sorry)

Yes, that is going to be my new license plate....

This has been a rough day. Well, a rough week culminating in today being kind of a rough day. It started out with Lucy's huge rage against the daycare. She wailed her little heart out, which incidentally rips my little heart out all the way to school, clinging to me when I tried to leave. L-a, the daycare teacher that was solo first thing this morning, seemed a little preoccupied trying to entertain the seven other children that were already there so it was really hard to disengage lucy from my body. Finally, I had to hail the teacher and plead for her to comfort my child (I must say, I could have used a hug at this point, myself).

Then I hustled off to Harborview where I toil away in a back office on the burn floor. This was a bad weekend for the burn ICU - a 14 year old girl was babysitting her 4 young nieces and nephews, all toddlers/preschoolers, 2 pairs of siblings, when the house went up in flames. I think the aunt got out OK but it went up so fast, one child was lost at the scene and 3 are in the ICU. One most definitely won't make it - renal failure, guts in a bag outside the body cavity, limbs mostly gone, really really sad. The other two children will probably make it, but they are all severely burned.

I didn't go to the ICU, but the nurse I work with had just come back from rounds up there and shared with me the details. I got the feeling she needed to unload - no matter how long you are there, situations like that affect everyone deeply. She also tells me all the medical details, you know, why that baby's guts are outside the body cavity with such a severe burn.

Anyway, back on my floor, the regular burn floor, there were more babies which cried periodically throughout the day. I'm kinda used to that, but still in my state of mind this morning, it didn't help. There was a man on my floor who was moaning in pain ALL DAY LONG. And I mean moaning. "ow ow OOOOW ow ow. OW. ow ow OOOOOOW."

I got done there, grabbed a nasty sandwich on my way out and raced to Physics class where I nearly got knocked down and into traffic by some huge gusts of wind. I ran off to Physics, getting pelted by rain (oh yes, did I mention my tights shrunk in the wash, so i was at half-mast all day long?) and got there in the nick of time. I sat down and for 50 minutes i saw and heard

blah blah blah@#%Q$%@#$%FGKLNVNLKRWJ#$%iopjv writjtrwpoij5 bkmvpowj45 pwijg[pfjb sgjkj43ljt5 43w5 divided by and you can see why the velocity ADKALjt qjeqlknr vlk jponqortjqlk jrklj!@#$#$@%^$^% blah and so forth.

I just don't get it. I get the ideas... I understand what velocity is and acceleration and even free fall (oh man, my teacher's examples are all hilarious too) but the equations, i can't ever figure out which one to use when and WHY. It's dry and frankly I DON'T CARE ABOUT IT AT ALL.

So there.

I'm seriously questioning my plan here. I'm overwhelmed by an intro Physics class and it's all it's my ONLY CLASS! What am I thinking?! This is going to be my life, and it's going to get much much worse and it's going to last for NINE YEARS. WHY AM I DOING THIS??? It's already affecting my relationship with Lucy and that makes me sad. Maybe it's just today, but

When I picked her up from daycare, she was glad to see me, but shortly thereafter, things went south. In the car on the way home, she asked if she could watch a movie later. Yes, I said, after supper. NO. SHE WANTED ONE NOW. SHE WANTED ONE WHEN PAPA GOT HOME NOT AFTER SUPPER and so forth. I later asked her if she wanted to go for hot chocolate, a special treat we do about once a week. Well, that was met with enthusiasm, but she began a new rant about I WANT TO EAT SUPPER AT THE PURPLE TABLE NOT AT THE DINNER TABLE, I told her we were not eating supper in front of the TV, well, this turned into quite a screaming rage, I finally decided I didn't want to spend time with her at a place doing a special treat, I was feeling pretty thin on patience by now, well, that really freaked her out. I circled the block (by the way, i think i deserve some kind of award for NOT yelling at her at all) and said if she could calm down and be friendly with me, we could still do it, but I wasn't about to take her into a public place yelling like that and that I really didn't like to be treated that way. So we went.

We had a little good time, but I was wiped.

We came home whereupon we had another fight (to be fair, I was doing computer stuff - I have no time on my own to catch up on e-mail, do my finances, renew library books, shit like that - and not paying any attention to her for a while). She drew on my desk with a crayon, I flipped out and grabbed it from her after she refused to stop and clean it up.... then i got my very first

I DON'T LIKE YOU!

I almost cried. Not because I really felt she didn't like me, but because I feel like this is my new life now, I have no time, the time I do have I feel exhausted and wiped and pretty soon she will move on to
I hate you

I hope this is just the transition for me.

I am starting to understand some of my homework, maybe i'll get to actually enjoy it at some point.
Maybe lucy will settle in to daycare and our time together will be more joyous.

Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all.